


Love & Hate and Friends & Lovers

by mafkaast



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternative Lifestyles, Enemies to Lovers, Friends With Benefits, Friendship/Love, High School, Love/Hate, M/M, Music genre Hardcore, Partying, Special friendship, special bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-23
Updated: 2015-02-28
Packaged: 2018-01-09 18:36:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 96,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1149431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mafkaast/pseuds/mafkaast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In his last year of high school, Louis needs to finish school without his group of friends. Louis has absolutely no connection with his classmates. He feels as if everyone is against him because of his appearance and his love for hardcore music. Especially Zayn, a Pakistani Muslim. Luckily, Louis has his best friend Hazza who is always there for him. They have a special bond that no one understands.<br/>Everything changes when Louis has to do an assignment with Zayn.</p><p>Or the one were Louis is a gabber who loves Hazza with whole his heart but might also fall in love with Zayn.</p><p>OR you can watch the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nfgp8MCd0HY</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Masters of Hardcore

**Author's Note:**

> This story is partly about a music genre and the lifestyle that belongs to it: hardcore. A few years ago (and still a bit) hardcore music was very popular in my country; the Netherlands.  
> It's not the main focus of this story, but I want to explain a few terms in case you don't know what they mean: 
> 
> Gabber (I believe it is a Dutch word): people who listen to hardcore music, go to parties and live a certain lifestyle (mainly appearance-wise). There are people who associate being a gabber/hardcore fan with being a racist. 
> 
> Hardcore party: I don't exactly know what the right term is for a hardcore party in English; maybe rave? But to make it more clear I decided to use the term hardcore party. It's basically a party at a club, hallway or outside where DJ's play hardcore music and substyles. Hardcore parties are associated with consuming lots of drugs.
> 
> Hakken/Hakkûh (also a Dutch word): It's a special way of 'dancing' that people do on hardcore parties. 
> 
> Aside from some chapters that are about hardcore and the prejudices that go along with it, the story also partly is about a Pakistani Muslim and his family. I don't know much about the Muslim religion, but I did do a little research to make it more realistic (hopefully).
> 
> In no way this story or parts of this story are meant to offend anyone. 
> 
> Lastly: hope you enjoy!
> 
> Mafkaast ©  
> Don't copy/repost this story!

“What time will you be home?” my mother yells at me from the living room.  
“Sometime!” I scream back at her. She always asks, like every caring mother would do, how late I’ll be back. Only, the time doesn’t really matter to her anymore. By now she knows that I always party till the morning hours.  
“Have fun! Hakkûh!”  
“Haha, will do,” I laugh before closing the front door.  
I walk to my bike, thinking about my family. Even if I sometimes hate my father, can’t stand my little brother or think my mother worries too much, most of the time I’m thankful. We are like a normal family, in a standard house with an average income. I don’t have anything to complain about it.  
“Hello Lou!” the neighbor waves at me as she takes the garbage out.  
While I step on my bike, ready to go, I wave back and smile at her. I like Helena. She is a nice woman without any judgment about me. And believe me; it’s unique for someone like me. A lot of people have judgments whenever they see me. They have called me all different kinds of names. Mostly they call me a racist. I try not to listen to it, I try to ignore it, but sometimes I fail. It’s quite painful to hear people calling you awful names, it can really hurt.  
The reason people call me a racist is because I’m a gabber. They associate being a gabber with being a racist and why? Because I listen to hardcore music, am proud of my country, wear Maxxies (Nike Air Max Shoes), shaved the sides of my head and because I wear sporty outfits. People assume just because of those trades, that I’m a racist. This is bullocks. I just love hardcore music and have a group of friends with whom I share this passion.  
It’s been several years that I’m utterly in love with the music. I still can’t have enough of it. I still crave for the music and everything that comes along with it. This probably has a lot to do with my age. I’m only seventeen. This is totally crap sometimes, because for a lot of parties you have to be at least eighteen. I have a fake ID, but that doesn’t always work. Apparently I have a childish look on me, even if I look pretty rugged if I say so myself. Apart from the occasional rejection at the entrance of a party; it is the most amazing feeling in the world. I want to drag every single person to a hardcore party. First of all I think that a lot of the assumptions and prejudices will stop. People can finally see with their own eyes that most of us are just trying to enjoy life. Secondly there is absolutely nothing like it. The atmosphere is so unique, so amazing. You can never understand how it feels unless you have been to one of them.

Across the bridge, second street to the left, the first street to the right: The Alinstreet, number nineteen. Arrived. I step off my bike and lock it.  
“Hey Lou, I was already waiting for you,” Harry greets me as he walks over to me and kisses me on the mouth. It’s a soft kiss on my lips.  
“Hey Hazza, how are you?”  
“I’m fucking great! Look at my shoes,” Harry says happily, beaming like a five year old.  
I look down at his shoes and smile. He has a new pair of Maxxies. The shoes are black, but on the outside there are red-white-blue stripes: the Maxx Air Holland.  
“Nice! But you already have so many Maxxies, better buy those shoes for me from now on,” I say teasingly.  
Harry laughs along with me. He knows I don’t mean it. I don’t want any present from Harry.  
Although… that is not entirely true. A few years ago he bought me a beautiful necklace. It’s a simple silver necklace with a very small, light blue heart. When he gave that to me he said that it reminded him of my eyes. The heart symbolized the love he has for me and the big place I have in his heart.  
I love it so much that there hasn’t been one single say that I haven’t worn it. People might call it gay, or ridiculously romantic, but I don’t fucking care. They can fuck off; I love it.  
“What are you doing?”  
I smile and show Harry the necklace.  
He shrugs. “It’s just silver. It will never describe how I feel about you,” he states in all seriousness.  
His words hit me like a ton of bricks. They touch me in a way nobody will ever understand. Today even more than usual.  
He doesn’t have to tell me he loves me, because I already know he does, but it’s still a pleasant surprise to hear him say those lovely words. I also love him so dearly, more than anyone else in my life.  
“Shall we go?” Harry asks as he puts an arm around my waist. I lean into his touch and put my own arm around his hip. I’m very clingy and needy, especially around Harry. He doesn’t mind it at all, because he is just the same around me. We always touch and need to be in each other’s space. It’s Hazza and Lou. It always was and will always be. 

As we walk towards Niall’s house we talk about the party we’re about to go to. I’m so frigging thrilled for tonight, mostly because my favorite DJ is playing: DJ Endymion. Since the beginning of my summer vacation I’ve been looking forward to this day.  
But even though I’ve probably never been so excited, I’m also dreading it. I’m dreading the upcoming Monday. In a few days I’ll be back at school again. I tried to postpone my worries, but the feelings are now rushing back in. I’m so anxious for this year, since it’s the first year without my group of friends. Harry, Emma and Liam have graduated high school last year. Niall was in the same year as me, but he quit school. He said he didn’t need school and is busy with other things. It’s not like his parents really care. But I do. It will be so awful without the warm company of my dear friends.  
“I’m going to miss you like crazy. And of course the rest as well,” I sigh deeply.  
Harry pinches my waist soothingly and kisses my right temple. “It’s going to be okay Lou, just one more year!” he tries to comfort me.  
Like always it helps a bit, just a tiny bit. Even though Harry is so sweet and is always there to comfort me, he won’t be around like he used to be. I won’t seem him during lunch break and we can’t ride to school together like we used to do. Just thinking about it, I feel a lump in my throat.  
“Lou? Stop worrying. We are going to Masters of Hardcore! You are going to forget everything!”  
I nod in agreement. Those worries are for later, right now I’m going to enjoy this night.

We arrive at Emma’s home and I ring the doorbell. As usual we gather at her place, because it’s in-between were the rest of the group lives. Besides, she lives in the most amazing villa you can imagine. Niall and Liam are probably already here. They live near each other, just like Harry and I.  
Harry and I live just a few blocks away from each other. I’ve ‘met’ Harry in kindergarten. We instantly clicked, or so I’ve been told. We were always on each other’s side, always together. We grew up together and couldn’t bear being without each other for one fucking day. We were inseparable.  
All of that changed when he went to junior high. That was when he first started to listen to hardcore music. He was influenced by two people from his class: Liam and Emma. In less than a few months he became a full on gabber and spent loads of his time with Liam and Emma. Back then I didn’t like his kind of music. I was more into pop music, mostly because I went along with what everyone else listened to. Harry and I never broke contact, but we didn’t see each other as much anymore. It’s not like we wanted to be apart, but somehow we kind of grew apart. Every time we wanted to meet up one of us had other plans. His weekends were suddenly filled with hardcore parties and chilling out at someone’s place. My weekends were filled with playing football and watching movies.  
But, our lifestyles couldn’t keep us away from each other. After almost one year of seeing each other on an irregular basis we missed each other like crazy. I felt lonely without my Hazza and apparently so did Harry. The moment we rekindled our friendship we became more intimate. From the start of our friendship our relationship was already very intimate, but after missing each other and growing older it turned into more. We always touched and leaned into each other, hugged at the weirdest moments, kissed whenever we needed some comfort, playfully teased each other by groping and we did other ‘friendly’ stuff. With the way we interacted, and still interact, everyone always assumes we are in a relationship. But we aren’t, not really. We are just Hazza and Louis. We didn’t care what people thought of us and we still don’t care. We are happy with the way our relation is. Maybe it’s a tad weird for most people, but we feel comfortable with each other.  
Slowly, after getting more in touch with Harry again, I got into the hardcore scene. Soon I felt like I belonged somewhere. I never felt like that, except with Harry. That year I became friends with a gabber at my class; Niall. And quickly after that our close group had formed. The group consists of Harry, Liam, Niall, Emma and I. I’m so incredible grateful with my friends. They are the most loyal friends I ever had. I always have them on my side. The hardcore scene gave me the best group of friends and a place where I belong. I felt so happy. Besides that, there is of course the music. It took some time to get used to it, but now I think it’s the most incredible music in existence. When I hear the bass I feel like I’m in a different world. I am in a trance. I don’t hear the bass: I feel it!  
“Finally,” Emma says as she opens the door.  
I chuckle and engulf her with a tight hug.  
“I’m so excited,” she whispers in my ear.  
“Is Michael coming?”  
She nods and widely smiles at me. Her boyfriend Michael doesn’t like, or better said, hates hardcore music. Emma always tries to convince him to go along to a party, but he never does. Apparently her persuasion finally worked.  
Liam and Niall walk towards us. “Lou! Hazza! Shall we go to our café before heading to MASTERS OF HARDCORE!” Niall says excitedly as he screams the last words.  
We all laugh at his excitement and nod. As usual we go to café Plo. It has become our café.

\-----

After a few hours of chilling, drinking, talking and laughing we are on our way to the party. We drive to Amsterdam, where the party will take place. It’s already one o’clock so the party is most likely already in full swing. Bitch drove together with her boyfriend Michael, so we will see her at the club.  
Liam is driving since he is the only one in the group with a driver’s license. He is nineteen years old, just like Emma. Liam is the calmest of the group. He is a bit more reserved, but definitely not boring. Especially when it comes to parties, somehow he changes in someone else. I don’t know if it’s the alcohol or the drugs, but he goes wild and dances like a maniac.  
Niall on the other hand is always extremely loud and carefree. I’m positive that he has ADHD. Niall is always bouncing around and it seems like he is never tired. Not that I mind, I think it’s amazing. He always gives me positive energy. Besides, I’m also a very loud and energetic person.  
Emma, or Bitch as I like to call her, is the craziest, smartest and richest of our group. She is very serious when it comes to school, but whenever she is at a party she instantly goes wild and crazy. She always says whatever she thinks and can be pretty bitchy, therefore her nickname Bitch. But she is an extremely loyal friend.  
I’m so luckily with my group of friends; I love them so much!

\-----

We finally arrive after driving for almost an hour. Liam easily parks the car between two other cars.  
When I step out of the car I can already hear the bass, making me aroused. Yes aroused. The feeling I get whenever I go to a hardcore party is magnificent, it gives me chills. Just thinking about it gives me such a kick.  
Harry wraps his arm around my waist and with the rest of the group we walk (Niall is bouncing up and down, practically skipping and enthusiastically screaming to other party guests) towards the club.  
We give the doorkeeper our tickets and get ready for the round of patrol. At parties like Masters of Hardcore there are always security guards who check us and our belongings on drugs. It’s a common fact that a lot of people consume XTC, speed and cocaine at hardcore parties. The security guard feels my arms, torso and legs before gesturing me to move along.  
We walk further into the hall and I don’t only hear the bass, I even slightly feel the vibration. We take our stuff like our mobile phones and jackets and put them in a locker.  
“I’ll keep the key,” Harry says as he puts it in his pocket. 

We walk into one of the three areas. The whole place is surrounded with loads of people dancing, jumping and hakken and it feels amazing.  
At Masters of Hardcore there are 3 areas with different kinds of music. One area has DJ’s who play early-hardcore, the other one (I believe we are in this area) have the more average hardcore music and the last area mostly has terror and speedcore. The substyles terror and speedcore have an extremely quick bass drum, it’s really fast and hard. If I want to dance on it I really need to take an XTC pill for the energy. For now I want to try to have fun without drugs; only a couple of beers. I’m almost certain Harry won’t take a pill. He doesn’t really like drugs and only tried it for a couple of times. At most parties he only takes a few beers, tops. Niall on the other hand always takes at least one XTC pill or some speed. He can’t even party without anymore. Emma also takes a lot of pills and stuff, but tonight she won’t because her boyfriend is here. Liam only takes it occasionally, like I do.  
We walk through the area, in-between people jumping up and down, towards the bar.  
Liam orders 6 beers for all of us, but Emma and Michael are nowhere to be found.

After we finish our drinks, giving Niall and Liam the two extra beers, we walk near the stage where the DJ is playing. When we are a few inches away from the stage, I feel the bass beating in my chest. When I first felt the vibration so strongly I was a bit scared, but Harry told me it was normal. After a while you get used to it and even start to like it. You really do; the vibration, the pounding, it’s a whole new feeling, a new experience; I love it!  
We all start to dance or hakken as they call it. We are just going crazy; yelling, jumping and going with the moment. Just like everybody else who is here for the music and for having fun.  
“Where is Bitch?” I yell. I haven’t seen her since we drove to the club.  
Harry and Liam shrug and Niall doesn’t even hear my question.  
“I’ll go find her,” I say to Harry. “You guys stay here?”  
He nods and returns to dance.

I look around at all the three areas, the smoking room, the chill area and even the toilets, but I can’t find her. I shouldn’t be so surprised; she is one of the 20.000 people at this party. She is however with Michael, who doesn’t really look like the typical guest for these parties.  
Well… she is with Michael so she’s probably alright.  
I go back to the group, greeting Harry with a small kiss. Niall jumps up and down in front of me, sticking his tongue out. Without noticing I start to move as well, my feet just go with the beat. In an instant, going automatically, I dance along with the rest.

After a while of dancing I start to feel tired. I decide to sit at the tribune, looking at the wonderful sight in front of me. It’s amazing to just sit and admire. This gigantic place is filled with people dancing, music blasting from the speakers and lights that move along with the beat. It is however not the smartest move to sit when you already feel tired. It only makes you feel more exhausted and you suddenly start noticing that your legs are starting to give up on you. Bloody legs! My favorite DJ still has to play!  
As I look around me I see some people ‘sneakily’ negotiating with some drugs. It’s so incredible tempting to just walk to one of them and buy one pill. A boost would be so fucking great right now.  
“How are you feeling?” Harry asks as he sits down beside me.  
I can’t hear him over the loud music, but the small concern in his eyes tells me enough. I smile at him in response, but the tiredness is probably very noticeable because he speaks up: “I don’t mind if you take one, but take on from Robin. We know he doesn’t sell garbage.”  
I nod excitedly and give him a soft kiss on the mouth before jumping down, already feeling more energetic just by the idea of getting this amazing drug in my system.

\-----

It’s an hour after I took an XTC pill and I’m in a state of euphoria. I feel wonderful, like I’m living on cloud nine. The feeling is so wonderful and opens my mind, my vision. I can’t think straight (oh yeah pun so intended) and I feel so light and feathery. I feel like love is surrounding me, it’s everywhere.  
The music is literally running through my veins as my feet go along with the music. The loud beat, along with the light shows with lasers and the drugs, I feel like I’m in a sort of trance. I just keep going and going. I don’t even feel that my eyes are trembling or that my mouth is dry. The first time it happened I completely freaked out, but now I don’t even care. I just feel so fantastic, like nothing can stop me. I’m just dancing like my life depends on it and I forget about everything.  
As I turn a bit to the left I suddenly see a girl that looks familiar. I focus my eyes to look at the girl. With wide eyes I stare at her in surprise: it’s Emma! How come I haven’t seen her yet? How come? She is kissing Michael! Kissing! So I just worried for nothing right? Ah well who cares, who cares! She is in love, in love! She is alive and in love with her boyfriend.  
I walk towards her and hug her tightly, feeling butterflies in my stomach.  
“There you are, I didn’t see you! I looked everywhere you know? But I couldn’t find you so I started dancing, you know?” I ramble on. After a while she doesn’t even listen anymore and turns around to kiss her boyfriend again. But I don’t care. She is in love and I feel ecstatic.


	2. First week of school

In utter exhaustion I answer the phone without looking who is calling.  
 _“Hey,” I answer with a loud yawn. I have barely slept tonight, because I was worried about today. Today is the start of the new school year, and more than ever before, I absolutely hate it._  
 _“Hey Lou,” Harry says in a warm tone._  
 _“Hey Hazza,” I reply, smiling just by hearing his voice._  
 _“I just wanted to wish you good luck today!”_  
 _He is such a sweetheart. “Thank you.” I sigh. “You too of course, first day of college.”_  
 _“Thanks. I’ll be alright, what about you?” he asks with concern in his voice._  
 _“I don’t know,” I say in all honesty. “I haven’t slept at all. I just know they are going to hate me, like always.”_  
 _“Don’t say that Lou, just don’t immediately shut people out. And believe me, if they know you like I do, they would love you.”_  
 _I smile widely. “Thank you Haz, you always know how to make me feel better. A bit at least.”_  
 _He hums. “I’ll be thinking of you okay?”_  
 _“Same. I’ll speak to you soon, bye Haz!”_  
 _“Bye Lou, I love you.”_  
 _“Me too!” I instantly reply._  
 _“Uh... what was that?” He asks slightly indignant._  
 _“I love you too Hazz,” I giggle._  
 _“Good,” he answers satisfied. I can practically hear him smile through the phone._  
 _“Bye Lou.”_  
 _“Bye Haz.”_  
I hang up, feeling a little bit better.  
As I walk downstairs I get greeted by my little brother Thomas. “Lou!” he yells at me. “Lou, play?”  
Thomas is my adopted brother. My parents wanted to have another child but after years of attempts to conceive they gave up. They decided to adopt, which also took years because of all the procedures. But finally after almost ten years they adopted a little boy and named him Thomas. Thomas was just a few weeks old when they adopted him. He is from Nigeria. Apparently his own parents didn’t want him; how fucking cruel is that? He is now 3 years old. Or at least I think so… I really have no idea. I hate the name Thomas. It doesn’t suit him.  
When I don’t answer to my little brother he pulls at my shirt. “Lou! Play!” he whines.  
“No!” I hiss at him. I instantly regret taking my anxiety out on him.  
“No Tom, maybe later okay?” I say, trying to sound a bit nicer although I’m still on edge. Harry helped me to calm down but that only lasted for a couple of minutes.  
As I walk towards the kitchen the worry kicks in again.  
“Is someone stressed?” my dad asks me.  
I roll my eyes at him; you think?  
I quickly grab a toast and an apple. “I’m off!” I yell as I walk away and slam the door.  
I take my bike from the garage and try to put the key in the lock; failing miserably because of my trembling hands. I can’t unlock my own damn bike!  
“Fuck,” I scream.  
After a few attempts it finally works and I immediately drive away as fast as I can. I don’t want to be late, not on my first day of school.

\-----

When I finally arrive at school, completely out of breath, I instantly feel a nasty atmosphere. I look around me and quickly spot the standard place. Till last year it was the place me and my group hung out. Just beside the backdoor, so we could easily go outside to smoke. I think back about the laughs we shared as a group and suddenly loneliness washes over me. I will no longer have Harry, Emma, Liam or Niall beside me. From now on I will be completely alone at this frigging school. I swallow and try hard not to cry.  
I walk towards the electronic board which welcomes us instead of the principal or teachers. I received a letter that said which class I’ll be in. 4F. The only think I can think of is 4 Fuck. The screen changes after a couple of seconds, revealing the classrooms we have to go to. Class 4F = Room: A09  
Along with a swarm of other students I walk to corridor A. Everyone is chatting and laughing, talking about their summer. I want to yell at Niall for quitting school and ditching me. If he didn’t leave school I wouldn’t feel the way I do now. I wouldn’t feel so lonely.  
Someone pushes me and I quickly look at the person who did it. “For fuck's sake, watch where you’re going dickhead!” I yell at the boy.  
“Wanker!” the boy yells back.  
Before I can even reply he walks inside a classroom.  
“Bastard,” I mutter under my breath.  
Thanks to my sudden irritation I’m completely lost; what was my classroom again? A07? I don’t know for sure. Should I walk back to the board just to make sure? I don’t want to walk in the wrong classroom, but what if I’m late?  
The nerves take over and my mind is racing, but my body is frozen. Come on Tomlinson, do something!  
I decide to go to the board. I quickly make my way back to check my classroom. Class 4F = Room: A09. Oh yeah! How could I have been so stupid?

As I run back to corridor A, repeating my classroom number in my head, I notice that the hall is empty. Crap. I’m late.  
I stand before my classroom, which is already closed. I desperately wanted to be on time, but as usual things don’t go as I plan. The nerves run through my whole body. I need to open the door and everyone will look at me. I try to have an ‘I don’t care’ attitude but honestly most of the time I feel angry or upset. This year even more because I don’t have the support of my friends.  
I open the door with clammy hands. As the door slowly opens I already see a few faces staring directly at me. I quickly shut the door and look at the teacher.  
“You’re late, mister…?”  
“Tomlinson, Tomlinson,” I repeat. Fucking hell; why am I repeating my own name?  
“Okay, just take a seat over here,” he points to an empty table.  
I swiftly look around the classroom. Everyone is sitting next to someone else. I’ll be sitting alone. Of fucking course.  
I sit down at my spot, tears swelling up in my eyes. Together with the nerves, the lack of sleep and the loneliness I feel, I can’t hold them back in. I start to cry.  
Great Tomlinson, just great. What a fantastic start.

\-----

I throw my backpack somewhere in the living room. I’m mad, frustrated and sad. I feel like I need to cry once again. I fucking can’t stop crying! What a bloody awful day! I sigh deeply and I run my fingers through my hair in frustration.  
“Louis?” my mother calls me.  
“Yeah,” I sniff.  
“Oh dear, what’s the matter?” my mother asks me concerned, quickly walking over to me.  
I panic. She can’t know what happened today. I know my mother, if she knows he will be in my business the whole frigging time. She will be so worried.  
“Nothing,” I reply with a shrug, trying to act nonchalant.  
“Are you sure?”  
“Oh yeah,” I nod as I sit down at the couch. “I just have a bit of an allergy I guess.”  
“Yeah… you’re probably right,” she says with uncertainty in her voice, still looking at me with worry in her eyes.  
I try to fake a smile, but it feels more like a grimace.  
“Anyway,” she continues. “Your father has a dinner meeting with his biggest client. He asked me to join.”  
This happens a lot so I’m not surprised. “Okay,” I’ll take care of Tom.”  
“Thank you dear,” she replies, slightly bending over to give me a kiss on the cheek. “You know where the money is right?”  
“I know mum, it’s going to be alright. I’m going to check on Tom right now.” I quickly emerge from the room before she can say or ask me anything else.  
As much as I want her warmth and her comfort, I know she will worry too much if I tell her what happened. All I want right now is my Hazza. I need him so much, but I know he is at college. If I would call him and tell him I’m not alright he would literally just walk out of school and come to me. He is such a sweetheart.

I walk upstairs to Thomas’ room. Thomas is probably asleep. I open the door and as quietly as possible I walk over to his bed.  
He is in a very deep sleep, his mouth slightly hangs open. He looks peaceful. Like a little kid with no worries. I wish I could be a kid again. Be a kid and enjoy life without obligations, without judgments. But as always I don’t get what I want. I’m not a little kid anymore, I’m a teenager. A teenager who feels like he doesn’t belong. Or at least not at school. The other students don’t understand me, or better said they don’t even try. I pretend not to be hurt, but it does hurt. Feeling alone is a shitty feeling. And I’m not just lonely; I can see that they hate my guts. My eyes sting again so I quickly walk out of his room. Thomas can’t see me cry.  
I’ll just go to my own room and listen to some music to calm me down.

\----------

When I wake up my eyes feel swollen: they feel thick and sticky. And just like that I remember everything that happened yesterday. I cried. I frigging cried like a little baby at my first day of school. And why? Because I felt lonely. Fucking wimp!  
On one hand I’m pissed and ashamed at myself for being so weak, on the other hand I’m fucking mad at all those stupid teenagers in my class. Why? I don’t even know myself. It's just a feeling I have, a feeling of hate. Hate towards those ignorant, stupid people.  
Okay, maybe you think that with the way I talk I’m the person with prejudices, but I immediately saw and felt that they didn’t like me. They only stared at me as I was crying like a little baby. They could at least exchange one single word with me. Instead I heard them whisper about me.  
I probably already have a nickname in my class: crybaby. Fuck that shit! Should I be thankful that my nickname isn’t ‘fucking racist’ or ‘faggot’? Now I’m just a wimp, a softy. It’s really strange for me since I’m normally the more aggressive one.  
I pull the sheets closer around me, trying to comfort myself by being completely wrapped up in my sheets.  
“Louis Tomlinson,” I say to myself as I look up at the ceiling. “You have to go to school, you can do it!” I know that if I don’t go to school today that it will be more difficult each time I postpone. And everyone will assume I’m scared and that is not going to happen! I’m not afraid of some judgmental, annoying children!  
“Lou! Come play!” Thomas whines, who without noticing suddenly stands in front of me. He pulls the sheets off of me.  
I scream because it’s fucking cold. I look at him with anger in my eyes. “Stop it!” I scream.  
He flinches and walks away in defeat, making me feel guilty straight away. I should go to him and give him a hug, but instead I pull the sheets up again and decide to go back to sleep. I don’t give a crap about school. 

\-----

At a rapid pace I cycle to school. I’m completely out of breath and my legs start to ache.  
When my mother found out I was still in bed, she became furious. She basically dragged me out of bed and ordered me to get ready in 15 minutes. 15 minutes, it’s fucking ridiculous!  
I’m racing around the corner and almost hit a car. For a very short moment I feel my heart drop. In panic I grab the handles of the front brake, immediately getting to a stop.  
The driver honks at me and gestures something with an angry face.  
The moment of angst is gone the minute I see the driver’s angry face. “Dickhead!” I scream at him.  
“Woken up on the wrong side of the bed?”  
Taken by surprise, I look beside me. His face seems familiar, but I can’t place it. I don’t reply to him, I am just looking at my own hands, feeling a bit irritated and confused.  
“I’m Zayn, we are in the same class,” he explains as he stands beside me with his own bicycle.  
“Oh,” is all I manage to get out. What does he want from me? I’m getting nervous because of this boy and I just want to get out of here.  
“Okay, I’ll see you soon than I guess,” I say uncomfortably, quickly riding away from him. I don’t need company, especially not from someone of my class.

When I’m finally at school, I lock my bike and run towards my classroom. Thankfully it’s the same classroom as yesterday, so I shouldn’t have any trouble finding it.  
I storm into the classroom and directly sit down in my seat.  
“What a fag!” I hear a male’s voice whisper, laughing along with someone else.  
I quickly turn around to the voice and walk up to the boy. Looking intensely in his eyes I hiss: “Shut your mouth wanker. If you ever look, laugh or say anything to me again, I’m going to beat you up so hard you’re going to end in the hospital.”  
Surprisingly he looks flabbergasted and nods without saying another word.  
‘Great done Tomlinson,’ internally I give myself a pat on the shoulder.  
“Mister Tomlinson,” a warning tone calls me.  
I quickly turn around and am faced with my teacher, apparently called Ms. Boonstra.  
“Yes ma’am?” I ask.  
“Today you are barely on time and immediately start to threat another student. I advise you to be careful or otherwise there will be consequences.”  
I threatened another student? He was the one that fucking called me a fag.  
“Do you understand me?” she asks me sternly, looking snobbish.  
“Yes Ms. Boonstra,” I answer fake-politely.  
I sit down at my seat again as she begins her lesson. Just by the way she looked at me I could tell she doesn’t like me. And luckily for me she is my teacher geography and mentor of this year. Fucking great!  
There is a knock on the door before what’s-his-name-again enters the room. It’s the boy who randomly started talking to me.  
“I’m sorry I’m late Ms. Boonstra,” he apologizes.  
“It’s okay mister Malik. Please have a seat,” she says with a friendly smile.  
Fucking bitch! This is absolutely insane. I was on time today but I got a lecture and this Malik guy is late, but only gets a nice smile. I fucking hate her. My expectations have been confirmed again. This year is going to be hellish.  
Malik walks to his seat and I quickly take a glance. Just a neutral glance, nothing special. This morning I didn’t really look at him, I was too busy trying not to get run over by a car. As I look I notice that he sits down next to the guy that called me a fag! No frigging way!  
Before I can look away this Malik guy looks back at me. His beautiful dark eyes are staring directly at me. I gulp. His eyes are fucking stunning. Hastily I turn around and stare at my table. 

One by one people come to the front of the classroom to introduce themselves. It’s Ms. Boonstra special way of ‘bonding’. Ugh. I listen to a few introductions and sigh. Everyone is saying the same boring shit and all of them like the same bloody awful music. It really doesn’t come as a surprise that no one likes hardcore music, but it seems that everyone is into fucking pop music.  
Because everyone is listing to the people in front of them I dare to look around a bit. Somehow my eyes keep drifting towards this Malik guy, wanting to stare at his beautiful eyes again. He stands up and walks to the front.  
“Uhhh… I’m Zayn Malik. I’m 17 years old and I’ve been born and raised in Utrecht. My hobbies are reading, chilling and I like to sing,” he says, seemingly nervous.  
“Okay Zayn, thank you very much. Does anyone have a question for mister Malik?” Ms. Boonstra asks and she looks at me. What does that fucking bitch look at me for? If she somehow even remotely thinks I’m interested in this boy or anyone else in this class, she is just frigging stupid. I don’t like these people, I don’t want to know things about them and I certainly don’t care about them.  
“Tomlinson, you’re up next,” she says harshly. I can hear by her voice and by looking at her how much she already hates my guts. Honestly, I don’t care. I hate her just as much.  
I walk to the front and feel the nerves rushing in. I nervously look around. My legs are wobbling a bit and I feel slightly agitated.  
Suddenly I remember the little voice in my head that said ‘you can do this’. I’m just going to show this bloody teacher and those crappy fellow students who I am, show them that I’m not afraid or bothered by any of them.  
“I’m Louis and I don’t really know what to say. I think this is a weird. But anyway, as you probably guessed by my appearance I’m a gabber. I like hardcore music and thanks to the music I now have the best group of friends. I like to go to parties and hang out with my friends,” I say without hesitation. “Oh, and I’m not a racist,” I add, ending my little introduction.  
Everybody is quiet and some of them look at me completely baffled. Ms. Boonstra looks at me in pure disgust.  
Zayn is the first person to react to my words. “You are right, not all gabbers are racists, but the majority of them are.”  
“No!” I say harshly. “That’s utter bullshit. We are just proud of our country, but we don’t have anything against other people.”  
“But,” he interjects. “If you asks two groups of people, one being the gabbers and the others being classical music fans, more gabbers would be racist.”  
“I’m sorry?” I reply irritated. “Have you done research or something?”  
He shakes his head. “No, I’m just telling the truth,” he explains calmly.  
His ‘calm’ attitude and fucked up words are making me angry. “No! You are just being an annoying child. You are the one who prejudices gabbers when you don’t even know them!” I scream at him. I feel my heart pounding in my chest.  
“Oh? So you are saying gabbers don’t have those?”  
“Yeah!” everyone shouts, agreeing with Zayn.  
Without saying another word, I furiously walk to my table, grab my stuff and start to walk out of the room. Ms. Boonstra calls me, but I ignore her as I slam the door. I don’t care about her, or anyone. They can all fuck themselves!

“Louis!” A voice calls me. I immediately recognize the voice, since I just had an argument with the person behind this voice. I stop walking and turn around.  
“What?” I say with clear irritation in my voice. Just one wrong word and I’m going to fucking hit this beautiful son of a bitch!  
He grabs me by my shoulders and looks into my eyes. His touch gives me an unnerving tingling sensation, almost electric.  
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think it would get so out of control.”  
He looks sincere, but I’m still so furious. “Sorry?” I say mocking and I laugh at him. “Who do you think you are? Why did you do it? I didn’t do anything to you,” I spit.  
“I know, but I just needed to say it.”  
“Oh you just needed to say it? Well you can’t always say what you want, because that is racism! But if nice and good Zayn has an opinion it is okay?” I say in an outraged tone.  
“Hey, now you have to stop. I just said sorry,” he replies bitterly.  
“As if sorry is going to make a difference!” I yell at him.  
“Fuck you,” he hisses.  
I narrow my eyes at him, giving him the death stare. Adrenaline flows through my system and my body feels like it’s on fire. A whole different feeling than I felt when he touched me.


	3. Hazza

It’s Friday afternoon and I’m on my way home, but I’m still full of mixed emotions. Because it feels like I have no one at the moment and I really need to blow of some steam, I decide to make a detour. I have to do deal with my emotions somehow and whenever I’m on my bike I forget everything else. I can just focus on the ride, on the physical movement, riding against the hard wind that is blowing in my face.  
The first week of school is over and I couldn’t be more grateful. After the first two horrible days things became a little better. As far as being ignored by everyone is something better… Thankfully being neglected includes that Zayn Malik guy. He doesn’t talk to or looks at me, he seems offended. Honestly I don’t give a fuck. I don’t care about school and I certainly don’t care about my class mates.  
It still hurts sometimes though. Last year Niall and I became classmates and after two years of sitting alone I was so freaking happy to have a friend at my side. Everyone hated us, but we had so much fun being mischievous. It was my best school year: having Niall as a classmate and seeing all my friends during lunch break.  
Thursday I made an awful attempt of making new friends. I saw a group of smokers outside and I tried to make conversation with them. By making conversation I mean that I smoked a cigarette just a few inches away from them and waited for them to talk to me. But they didn’t even give me a glance or a simple hello. They ignored me like everyone else in this hell hole. And I was too fucking scared to talk to them. Instead, like every other day this week, I wandered around the school halls until lunch break was finally over. It was fucking pathetic. It’s completely different from last year. Last year I was very social, spontaneous and loud. But that was only because I felt comfortable and wanted thanks to my lovely friends.  
Now I’m all alone…  
I really do feel alone. I have texted my friends on our group app but I haven’t seen anyone, not even Harry, since last weekend! Harry is very busy adjusting to his first week of college, but I’m still angry at him for not noticing how much I need him. He probably thinks I should tell him if I want something from him, but I don’t feel like it. He should understand that I need him and he should be the one that asks me to come over. He should know without really knowing… yeah I know it’s stupid. But just thinking about it makes me pissed. It makes me so freaking mad because it feels like he doesn’t care. Why doesn’t he come over? Why can’t he see that I feel lonely?  
I’m so bloody furious because this week has been a disaster and it’s only the beginning. Harry is the only one who can calm me down when I feel like this, but he isn’t around. Fuck!  
“Stop thinking about him,” I hiss to myself.

I’m riding on my bicycle like a mad man, trying to stop my thoughts. I race through small streets and difficult sandy paths, feeling the adrenaline rush. For a brief moment I forget my anger and am focused on racing around without falling.  
When I arrive at the end of a sandy path that leads to a park I stop. I step of my bike, but still holding the handles as I look around me. The only things I hear are the sounds of birds chirping and in the distance I hear cars. Looking above me I see some birds flying. Birds are free. They can go wherever they want and nobody would stop them. I wish I was free like a bird.  
The serene environment doesn’t help me at all. It makes me feel even more depressed, lonely and pissed. I look at my bike and suddenly I kick it so hard it falls over, taking my aggression out on my bike. That doesn’t help either. For fuck’s sake. I’ll just go home, to whatever.

\----------

Harry has his arm wrapped around my waist, while I sit closely next to him almost on his lap. He strokes my hair as we sit together, pretending to watch some stupid show on television.  
Just moments after my outburst that included being pissed at Harry he fucking called! He called because he wanted to know how I was doing and wanted to see me. I ended up crying on the phone. I cried because I felt so lonely, because school sucks and mostly I cried because I missed Harry. We talked at least two hours until he calmed me down enough to make it through Friday, since I couldn’t come over because he had to work on Friday night.  
But here I am on a Saturday afternoon, cuddling with Harry. When I arrived I sobbed in his arms. After a few soothing words, comfort and hugs I felt better. At least I wasn’t crying anymore. Apparently that is something to be proud of these days.  
“Are you okay?” Harry asks me again, now that I’m finally able to answer with more than hiccups and tears.  
I shrug. “Honestly… no. I hate school and everyone hates me. And I never see you guys anymore!” I mutter with a sad pout. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but it just hurts so badly.  
“I’m here right now, aren’t I?” he says slightly offended.  
“Yes you are, but I just feel so fucking lonely,” I sigh deeply.  
He kisses the side of my head. “I know Lou, I hate it. If there is anything I can do, tell me.”  
I crawl closer in his lap and put my arms around him. “Just being here with you is enough,” I smile at him.  
“And if those stupid fuckers like Zayn ever say or do anything to you I’ll teach them!” he exclaims with clear anger in his voice.  
I laugh at his reaction, feeling relieved. Harry would practically do anything for me. It’s so great to have such an amazing friend. Yesterday I might have felt differently, but that was just because I can’t live without my Hazza. I need him in my life.  
“You are so amazing Haz. I don’t know what I would do without you,” I state completely sincere.  
“Damn right!” he agrees half-serious. “You can’t live without me.”  
“Yeez, I know. You don’t have to rub it in my face,” I chuckle.  
“But I can’t live without you either. I love you.”  
“I love you back,” I declare, turning my body to give him a kiss on the mouth.

We snuggle on his beanbag and talk about his first week of college. Of course he made friends the minute he walked into the room. Somehow people don’t care he is a gabber, he always charms his way around. I don’t believe that a single person who has met Harry doesn’t instantly like him. He is like a magnet, he forcefully pulls you in. Believe me, I know.  
“I’m happy for you,” I comment supportive, although the underlying tone is slightly bitter.  
“Thanks Lou, I wish I could say the same to you.”  
“As long as I have you it’s okay. I missed you like crazy, but of course I understand that you are very busy.”  
“It’s a pleasure to hear you say you missed me,” he grins momentarily before frowning. “That sounded awful, you know what I mean,” he chuckles.  
I nod, I do know what he means. That’s another amazing thing about our friendship, we always understand each other perfectly, even when we were younger. When we were around seven years old we had our own sign language. We talked to each other through our own invented sign language. Apparently it looked so real that people actually believed we were deaf! It was our secret code which only Harry and I understood. It was amazing and just thinking back about it, a giggle escapes my mouth.  
But… at this age it’s not tolerable to communicate like that anymore. It would look weird and people would judge us if they find out it’s not real sign language. People will judge me even more than they already do. I hate how judgmental people are, just by looking at someone they have a certain image about someone. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those old times. As a child your life is so much easier. You enjoy life and don’t have to take things seriously. You can be who you are and people don’t judge. But everything changes when you hit puberty. You suddenly care and worry about everything and everyone is in your business. You can’t be yourself, you need to belong to certain people. It’s annoying as hell.  
“Don’t frown Lou, you don’t want to have wrinkles at your age right?” Harry teases me.  
I frown deeper and stick my tongue out. “I want to be a kid again,” I whine. “I want to jump around, be me and not get judge. I want to laugh, sing and danc-,”  
Harry kisses me on my mouth, making me stop mid-sentence. You would think this is a moment of affection, but it’s probably just his way to stop me from whining and talking.  
I don’t give him the reaction he wants; keeping my mouth shut and not moving along.  
“Grmph,” he groans.  
I smile into the kiss as he tries to make me snog him back; without results.  
“You tease,” he whispers as he moves away.  
I shrug casually. “Kids don’t snog Hazza. That is something for adults.” I smile at him, blinking my eyes as I try to look as innocent as possible.  
He rolls his eyes at me. “You’re impossible,” he sighs.  
But I can see the adoration in his eyes, the love. He missed me just as much as I missed him.  
“I love you,” I whisper sweetly, pressing my lips on his and softly biting his under lip. I open my mouth to give him entrance, but before he can slide his tongue in my mouth I detach my lips.  
Swaying my hips in a teasing manner I stand up and walk away with a big grin on my face and a happier feeling inside of me.  
“Awh!” he yells frustrated. “Don’t leave me hanging like this!

\----------

_When my mother answers my call she immediately says: “let me guess, you want to stay at Harry’s house again?”_  
 _You can’t keep things from your mother, you just can’t. She always knows everything._  
 _“Hello to you too mum… and yes?” I ask sweetly._  
 _“But you have school tomorrow,” she argues._  
 _“I know but I have all my books in my locker and I promise I’ll go to bed on time. I don’t want to be late for school.” I really don’t want to be late for school since my first class is geography from the one and only: Ms. Boonstra. If I’m late, I’m sure she will have a fabulous punishment waiting for me. I can literally see her evil grin just thinking about it. I shiver slightly and try to push her out of my mind. “Pretty please?” I plead._  
 _She chuckles at my desperate tone. “Alright love, go have fun.”_  
 _“Thank you mum! I’ll be home tomorrow!” I scream excitedly._

I plop down on Harry’s beanbag. I always wanted a beanbag in my bedroom, but I don’t have enough space for it. Especially not for this large one which is made for two persons to sit on. It’s my regular place whenever I’m in Harry’s room; I always sit on it with the three of us. No I don’t have a second personality, I’m talking about Harry and Harry’s (don’t let Anne hear me say this) cat Dusty. It’s such an adorable little cat. He is very cuddly and whenever he isn’t outside he always comes to sit with me and Harry. I really love cats and other animals but we can’t have pets because my stupid father is allergic to them. So whenever I’m at Harry’s place I always cuddle with little Dusty. He always purrs very loudly as I suffocate him with my massages and kisses.  
Harry sits down right beside me and automatically puts his arm around my shoulder. I lean towards him and move my head to his chest.  
When people see me and Harry together they always think that we are a couple, a young couple in love. Or as our friends like to call us: an old married couple. But it’s not like that. We aren’t really a couple; we just have a very special friendship. Okay… there is some sort of crush and there is definitely love, but it’s something you can’t put a label on. We are just happy the way we are.  
“Want to watch a movie? I’ve just downloaded a few new ones,” he proposes.  
I nod. “Okay, but I have to sleep around 12 o’clock. I promised my mum and more importantly I really need to be on time at school tomorrow.”  
“Okay,” he shrugs indifferently.  
Harry doesn’t seem to understand the problem here. “No you don’t understand, I really need to be on time. My first lesson is from that bitch I talked about.”  
He nods empathic. “What subject does she give?”  
“Geography. Seriously, if I would have known she gave these classes I would have never chosen that subject.”  
He laughs understandingly and gives me a kiss on my mouth. This time I let him kiss me and I kiss him back with passion. It's a kiss full of meaning. A kiss of gratitude, love and the best friendship ever. 

We’re watching this extremely boring movie, which I can’t follow even if I tried. Instead of looking at the movie, I cuddle with Harry and Dusty. I take Harry’s hand and start to play with it. Somehow his hands fascinate me. They are so manly, big and strong, but at the same time they feel so incredible soft. I keep playing with his hands until the movie is finished.  
Harry turns his head and looks at me. “This movie really touched you, didn’t it?” he asks sarcastically.  
I nod seriously. “Oh yeah, it was very… uhmm manly?”  
“Are you talking about the movie or about me?” he questions with a smirk.  
“I was talking about the movie, definitely not about you.”  
“Oh really?” he stands up from the beanbag, grabs me by the waist and throws me on the bed. “Time to sleep young man!” he announces, his tone strict.  
“Don’t manhandle me!” I say playfully outraged.  
He just chuckles, gets out of his clothes and lies down on the bed beside me, getting under the blanket.  
I take off my shirt and crawl under the blanket as well and reposition myself until I’m facing Harry.  
Apparently people think it’s weird that we sleep together, mainly because of the fact that Harry sleeps naked, but I don’t agree. I don’t agree and honestly I don’t care. I sleep better with him beside me.  
Harry quickly falls asleep (as usual). As for me, I always turn in my bed, thinking and worrying, until I finally drift off to sleep, which most of the time takes about an hour.  
Except when I'm with Harry. I just look at him for a moment and somehow seeing Harry gives me comfort and makes me fall in sleep very quickly.  
I stare at a sleeping Harry, his bare chest is slightly visible above the blankets. I love to look at Harry and admire his beauty. Harry has a very manly body (although I will never give him the satisfaction by saying this out loud). He is tall, muscular and has these amazing broad shoulders, as well as his amazing big hands which I can’t get enough of. But above all, he has a gorgeous face. He has the most beautiful emerald green eyes, a funny quirky nose, the most perfect lips and to top it all he has such beautiful half-long curly hair.  
Okay, okay… I know. I sound like I am in love with him, but that is really not the case. I love him and I fully admire him for who he is. Whenever I’m with Harry I’m completely happy and satisfied. I love him when I look at him, when I talk with him or laugh and I even love it when I cry with him.  
The idea to live without Harry is just unbearable. To be completely honest, I’m more scared of losing Harry, than I am about losing my parents. I can’t picture my life without him.  
I cuddle tightly against him and press my face into his chest. No matter what happens, I'll always have Harry.


	4. The assignment

“How many of you have already read the study guide?” Ms. Boonstra questions as she looks at her students with a stern look. Miraculously she doesn’t directly look in my direction with an evil glare.  
Everybody keeps quiet.  
“Nobody? Not even you Kim?” she asks, seemingly unpleasant surprised.  
I look at Kim who is shaking her head in shame, already having a red blush on her cheeks. “No I didn’t,” she stutters, a scared tone in her voice.  
“I’m very disappointed,” Ms. Boonstra states bluntly before focusing her attention on the whole class. “If you guys had bothered to read the guide, you would have known that you guys have to do an assignment this semester. This is a very important project, which counts for twenty-five percent of your whole grade. So if you screw this up, you will most likely fail my class.”  
Internally I roll my eyes at her. She is such a negative bitch. Seriously, nothing positive comes out of that ugly, tiny mouth.  
“It’s a collaboration project,” she continues in a demanding voice. “You will work in pairs of two. I’ve already assigned you in teams and I don’t want to hear any complains. If you disagree with my choices it’s your own problem. Not mine.”  
This time, as she says those words, she looks directly at me. I can’t find any sort of emotion in those creepy eyes.  
I sit restless at my chair and my legs are bouncing up and down: what is she up to? Probably something nasty, she loves to torment me.

Names go by, annoying students pass, but I haven’t heard my name yet. With gritted teeth and slightly trembling hands I await until I’ll finally hear her call my name.  
“Nick Grimshaw will collaborate with…”  
I look at Nick fucking Grimshaw with his arrogant and stupid hipster face. As usual he is clinged to his phone; probably scrolling on Grindr to find some desperate boy who he can fuck (although I’m probably the only one, surprisingly, that knows he is gay). I’m absolutely certain that Ms. Boonstra will call my name. That Bitch really likes to ruin my life.  
“… with Adam Slang.”  
My mouth falls open in complete shock. I’m stunned. She knows, from barely a few classes, how much I already hate Grimshaw. But astonishingly she didn’t pair me with him.  
I look over at Grimshaw, who looks far too happy with the choice. He’ll probably try to seduce this Adam with his bizarre flirtation techniques. I hope that this Adam kid will kick him in the balls.  
A heavy weight falls off my shoulders, since I know I don’t have to work with Nick.  
Somewhat less stressed I await for my name to be called. I’m not that worried or bothered anymore. The people I hate the most in the class, which is around fifty percent, are already assigned. Finally I have some luck!  
As far as you can call it luck. It still sucks that we have to do an assignment in pairs, knowing I have to work with someone who hates me. Knowing nobody likes me.  
“Kim, you will work with Zayn.”  
Thank god, another big relief. Although Ms. Boonstra might be crazy, she isn’t that foolish. After our first encounter she knows that we can’t work together. If we would work together we would probably end up in a hospital.  
With her head bowed down Kim walks towards Ms. Boonstra. She whispers a few things in the teacher’s ear and I can see Ms. Boonstra listing attentively and nodding frantically. On the face of my worst teacher of all times a grin appears. She looks at me with a wicked, evil grin. No. No way! She wouldn’t, would she?  
“I just talked with Kim. She really wants to work with Anna on this project and she gave me some very valid reasons, therefor I've accepted it. That means that Kim will work with Anna and Zayn will work with Louis.”  
Tears form in my eyes. My head feels like it’s about to explode and I want to scream from the top of my lungs. AHHH! How could she do this! I look at her direction and I see hateful, sadistic eyes penetrate me. It had to be like this. She… Boonstra did this on purpose! Why? Why the fuck would she do something like this? Is this some sort of sick joke?  
Well… who cares? It’s a fact. I have to work with Zayn. Zayn is even worse than Grimshaw. Zayn is a racist. A fucking racist about gabbers.  
Shit. I nervously ran my fingers through my hair, trying not to cry, not to scream.  
“Ms. Boonstra,” Zayn speaks up as he stands up from his chair. “I really don’t want to bother you, but this can’t work. I understand that Kim might have some good reasons why she wants to work with Anna, but I really can’t work with Louis, I can't work with a racist.”  
Done. That’s it. He said it. The room falls completely silent. Even Ms. Boonstra, who has an opinion about everything, is quiet for a brief moment.

\----------

With the most terrible headache I ever experienced in my life I awake. My head is throbbing painfully and tears uncontrollably fall down on my pillow. The more I feel awake, the more pain I feel. I feel cramp all over my body and it feels like my whole body is bruised.  
I carefully open my eyes and look at my body. The first thing I notice is that my hand is wrapped in some sort of bandage. Next to my bed is a bin full of vomit. Just by the sight I get nauseous again. My head is spinning. I feel terribly sick and I groan in pain. Why? What the fuck happened to me?  
“Mum,” I shout in panic.  
“Boobear?” my mother calls me softly as she enters the door. As she steps in front of my bed she looks at me with one of those worried looks. This is not a good sign.  
“How are you feeling?” she questions concerned.  
“I don’t know,” I reply confused. “I just have so much pain,” I whine, already feeling exhausted again.  
“Do you want to eat something? Or want to sleep again?”  
I shake my head, as carefully as possible because of my immense headache. “No. I want to know what happened, why I lie here like this.”  
My mother shakes her head, faintly smiling at me. “Just go to sleep again sweetheart. We’ll talk later.”  
As she walks away she adds, “oh and if there is anything you need, just ring the little bell.”  
As I turn my head to the side I see the familiar bell on my nightstand, which my mother always used when I was sick as a little kid. I could just ring if I needed something. Of course as a child I rang it for the most stupid things, but I won’t be doing that now. I can’t even think about something I can tease my mother with by ringing. I’m just too tired and too much in pain.  
Before I know it I fall into a deep troubled sleep.

\----------

I finally know what happened. After nearly one week! The last couple of days I basically walked around my house like a zombie. I was in severe pain, had no appetite and I was constantly tired. And believe me; being exhausted and sleepy is an exception for someone like me. I’m never tired; I always have lots of energy in me.  
When I finally heard what happened I was shocked, stunned. Apparently it happened at Ms. Boonstra’s class, what a surprise right? Zayn had gone in protest when he heard that he had to work with me. He was furious. He absolutely didn’t want to work with me. Of course I felt the same way, but I just kept my mouth shut. Well… that was until Zayn called me a racist and Ms. Boonstra agreed with him. I don’t know exactly what happened, but apparently I punched Zayn. From what I’ve heard Zayn couldn’t control his anger when I had hit him. It doesn’t come as a surprise to me, since he is such an aggressive person. And after the first two punches, the fight supposedly got really bad.  
Thanks to the fight, which I barely remember, I have bruises all over my body, scraped knuckles and a minor concussion. Oh yeah, and I got expelled for two whole weeks! The only good thing about this whole mess is that Zayn got expelled as well.  
I haven’t even told you the worst part yet. Once we get back after two weeks of suspension we still have to do the assignment together! So the fight didn’t help a bloody thing.  
It is official: I despise Zayn and Ms. Boonstra. I fucking hate them! Because of those stupid and ignorant motherfuckers I was so sick and hurt this week. It’s their entire fault. And now I have to stay another week at home! And I’m already going out of my mind!  
“ARGHH!” I scream very loudly. I clench my aching fists in anger, pure anger.  
I hear very quick and loud, pounding footsteps running up the stairs. My mother immediately storms in my room, completely out of breath. I’m taken by surprise that she is so exhausted, since my mother has a great condition. Maybe she doesn’t feel so good? I really don’t know.  
“Are you okay?” she asks worried.  
My hands are still trembling and my muscles are still tightened. I shake my head, “to be honest, no. I’m so angry and I don’t know what to do about it.”  
She sits down on my bed beside me and she opens her arms for an embrace. I quickly fall into her arms and hug her as tight as possible. I’m so happy that my mum is here.  
“You’re going to be alright. You just have to ignore people who judge you without knowing you. The people, who did bother to know you, know how great you are,” she assures comforting while she soothingly rubs my back.  
“Speaking of which, there are some friends of you who are dying to see you again.”  
I turn around and there they are: my dearest friend Harry (who came by every single day even though I was too sick to really notice him), my girlfriend Bitch, my crazy party friend Nialler and sweet, reliable Liam.  
“Hey lads!” I beam and for the first time this week I feel truly happy.

\----------

Completely out of breath we sit down on a bench in the park. Well to be honest, only I am exhausted. Harry isn’t even in the slightest bit tired.  
“Jeez Lou, I don’t recognize you like this.”  
I playfully hit his arm. “Hey! It was a long walk,” I argue although I know he is right. I don’t even recognize myself.  
“I know right? Normally I can’t even be in the house for one day, imagine being stuck in my house for a whole week! I’m still surprised I didn’t get insane.”  
“How do you know you didn’t get wacky?” Harry questions with a sly smile.  
“Twat!” I reply mock-insulted.  
“I’m surprised as well, you are even worse than your mother!” he laughs.  
I laugh along with him. We both know how restless my mother can be.  
The fresh air and the walk with Harry make me feel better and a lot less angry.  
That is until Harry has to ruin the nice moment by saying: “I can’t believe they still want you to do that project with that Muslim guy!” he spits.  
I only shrug in response. I don’t know why, but I don’t feel that mad at Zayn anymore.  
“After he called you a bloody racist!” Harry adds, voice full or hate.  
“Yeah, but what can you do huh?” I ask metaphorically.  
“I can beat him up for you?” he suggests with a serious expression.  
With a nervous smile I look up at him. “I think he already got a good beating. I’ll figure something out.” I want to end the conversation. I love the fact that Harry would do anything for me, even beat up a guy, but somehow this doesn’t feel good and I can’t tell you why.  
He nods frantically as he speaks: “yeah you really have to figure something out; you really can’t work with such a piece of shit!”  
“I know,” I reply in a dismissive tone. I want to stop thinking about this Zayn and his gorgeous, but hateful eyes. Whoa? Did I just say gorgeous? I fucking hate that boy! Just because he might be attractive in some way (just a little… really) doesn’t mean anything.  
Fuck! Stop thinking about the boy who has beaten you up. I just hope I have beaten him up at least equally.  
“So how was your week?” I ask mainly to distract myself.  
“Alright,” he shrugs. “Just studying and studying and visiting a friend who didn’t even notice me.”  
“Shut up,” I reply, playfully elbowing him in his side.  
“Although,” he adds with a grin, “Something very good happened.”  
I glance at him in anticipation. Looking at his beaming face, it has to be something big. “What happened?”  
“My best friend in the whole world got beaten up and-,” he begins his story before I interrupt him. “Tell me something I don’t know!”  
“Okay, fine. There was this contest on Partyflock for VIP-tickets of Awakenings and I fucking won!”  
“WHOA!” I scream excitedly. Awakenings is like the most amazing party ever. It’s in this huge, old factory and the best DJ’s from all around the world always come! And besides that they always have these incredible light shows!”  
“But I only have two tickets,” he sobs sadly. “So who should I bring with me?”  
“Hmm, let me think about that,” I mumble, pretending to ponder about this particular hard question.  
After a moment I sigh deeply and groan, “I really don’t know.”  
“Okay I’ll give you a hint,” he speaks as he comes closer to me and whispers in my ear, “it’s a boy with the most beautiful blue eyes and longest eyelashes on a boy I have ever seen.”  
That’s not true I think. Zayn has the longest eyelashes I’ve ever seen on a boy.  
“Fuck!” I hiss.  
Completely confused he stares at my little outburst.  
Partly ashamed I look back. “Sorry, I’m just so excited! Thank you so much Haz!” I give him a quick hug and to emphasize that I am really thankful I scream loudly: “WAUS!”  
The word Waus has different meanings. It can mean that you have taken something like XTC and you’re feeling Waus, like the feeling of being stoned when you smoke weed. But it can also mean something like; awesome, great, fantastic!  
“Great isn’t it? I won it for you.” He kisses my right temple.  
I want to give him a kiss back but suddenly he stands up from the bench.  
“Sorry Lou, but I really have to go. I have classes and I already missed one of them.”  
Harry wants to walk away but when he sees I don’t follow he turns around. “Please Lou, don’t joke around. I really have to go,” he pleads.  
“Yeah I know,” I nod understandingly. “I think I’m just going to stay here for a while longer.”  
He frowns at me in concern. “Are you sure?”  
“I’m sure.”  
He cocks an eyebrow at me, still looking unsure.  
“I’m not disabled! I’m just a bit tired that’s all.”  
Eventually he nods and with a serious expression on his face he says: “okay, but if anything happens, call me!”  
Harry gives me a quick kiss on the mouth before walking away.  
“Bye Haz!” I yell after him.

The moment he is out of sight loneliness washes over me. Why do I always have to be so stubborn? Now I have to walk back home by myself! Ugh. Can people somehow not listen to me for a change?  
I stand up from the bench and walk back home with furious steps.  
“Hey,” a voice calls quietly.  
Or at least I think I heard a voice. It was so soft and barely audible and now I start to doubt myself. Maybe it was a voice within? Well… that wouldn’t be good, considering I heard or thought I heard a woman’s voice. I look to my left and suddenly see a particular tall girl (I hate tall girls) looking at me with big, terrified eyes. She nervously glances at me, but doesn’t say a single word.  
Questionable I look back, waiting for her to say something but all she does is stare at me with creepy, shy eyes. It makes me feel irritated.  
“What do you want?” I sneer.  
She looks away and finally starts to talk. Although it’s still extremely soft, her voice sounds a bit steadier. “I’m Anna. I’m in the same class as you. We would do that assignment together,” she explains.  
I feel anger boil inside of me. If this stupid bitch just decided to work with me I wouldn’t have been expelled for two weeks, I wouldn’t have had a small concussion and wouldn’t have had to lie in my bed for over a week. And above all, I wouldn’t have had to work with Zayn.  
“So what’s your point?” I ask impatiently.  
“I’m sorry,” she whispers.  
“You should be!” I shout at her.  
She quickly nods and rides away on her stupid bicycle.  
“What a twat,” I mumble. I certainly won’t admit that I feel slightly guilty for my behavior after her poor apology, since I have chosen to not give a crap about any of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the people who have read it: do you like it? (or not?) Please tell me =)  
> I really hope people will bother to read it, because I feel excited about this story! But if no one reads it, why would I post it?
> 
> And for those of you who want more Zouis action: be patient!


	5. Liam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would really appreciate it if you would take the time to comment or leave kudos when you like my story!

“Tom, leave me the fuck alone!” I hiss at my little brother. I know that you might think I have anger issues, but really I don’t. People are just in my way, that’s all. Just like my brother Thomas. Why does he always have to bother me at the most awful times?  
Thomas ignores my needs as he jumps on my bed. “Nooo,” he whines. “We play!”  
“MUM!” I scream from my bedroom. “How can I stop him?”  
“Louis, stop! He is not an object that you can command,” she yells from the bathroom.  
“I know that! I wasn’t doing that! AHHH!” I scream frustrated. “I just want him to leave me alone, I want to sleep.”  
“You can’t expect him to understand that, he just wants to play,” my mother says as she walks inside my room.  
I sigh deeply. “I know, but it’s just freaking annoying.” He always has to wake me up in the early mornings with his exciting little voice. I hate early mornings. So technically he is the problem for my temper, because I can’t have a normal night of sleep.  
“Lou?” Thomas begs as he shows his superman doll at me. “Play?”  
“Why don’t you play with him?” my mother suggests. “It’s not like you have to get up for school or anything.”  
“Okay fine,” I groan.  
Thomas jumps excitedly and somehow I feel a small smile appear on my face. My little brother can be a little piece of shit, but all he wants is to play with me. He wants to spend time with me. And just like my mother said so casually a minute ago; it’s not like I have to go to school or anything.  
This is my second week of suspension. I have 6 more days to go before I have to go to school again. Six more days before I have to work with Zayn on our assignment. I don’t want to admit it, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Most of the time I fucking hate it and I think about ways to get out of it, but there is also a very small part of me that is actually looking forward to it. I’m definitely not going to tell anyone about that little part of me that seems a bit excited. I’ve discussed it with myself and have come to the conclusion that I’m only slightly thrilled about it because I like to fight and get furious. I like to argue and Zayn is the perfect candidate to lash out to and yell at him. Besides, he probably feels the same way. So in a weird was this is a win-win situation. 

\-----

As it turns out, Liam has stopped his study Economics. He didn’t like it and he just didn’t feel like it was the right path for him. Or so I’ve heard from Harry.  
Liam is a regular guest at the sport club and they offered him a job. Lucky bastard! He will start next week. So that leaves Liam a week at home. Just like me.  
I’m on my way to his house. I asked him if I could come over and he happily agreed. It will be weird, because in all those years that we have been friends I’ve never been along with him. He is the only one in the group that I haven’t hung out with by myself; we were always with the group. I really don’t know what to expect. We shall see….

I take a deep breath before I ring his doorbell. Liam opens the door almost immediately.  
“Hey Lou,” he smiles.  
“Hey.”  
I follow Liam inside to the living room. I’ve been at his house before, but normally his family and our other friends are here as well. Now, everyone is at school or at work. It’s so quiet and it feels kind of awkward.  
I sit down on the couch and I look around me. After looking at random stuff like a wooden table and a vintage lamp my eyes drift off to Liam.  
“Do you want something to drink?” he asks me as I study his face. Liam has a square jawline and thick eyebrows which make him look very masculine. But he also has large, brown eyes that radiate kindness and thicker lips that are formed into a friendly smile which makes him look softer. It’s an interesting combination of hard and soft. Of course I already know all of this, since I’ve known him for a couple of years. However, I’ve never looked at him with so much detail. Studying his face is not what I normally do whenever we hang out. But I just need to look at something, I need to do something and at the moment Liam is the only thing that fascinates me.  
“Some coke please,” I reply with an awkward smile. 

When Liam returns with the drinks he sits down next to me but with a rather large distance. He hands me my drink and we briefly smile at each other.  
There is an awkward vibe in the room. I don’t know why it feels so tense, so weird, but I think it’s because we miss Emma’s blunt remarks, Niall’s hyperactive behavior and Harry’s weird stories.  
I take a gulp from my drink and notice that Liam is drinking water.  
“You’re drinking water?” I ask teasingly.  
“Yes,” he laughs. “I try to live healthier; less partying and training harder.”  
“Training for the gym?”  
He nods. “Yeah, you probably heard from Hazza right?”  
“He said you got a job at your gym, congrats!”  
He smiles widely. “Thanks, I’m so happy. At first I can only work as an assistant-personal trainer, since I haven’t gotten the right diploma, but I’m going to follow courses so after a while I can be a personal trainer.”  
“That’s great, especially when your study didn’t seem to work out.”  
“Yeah,” he agrees. “I just don’t think college is for me.”  
“Same here, can’t I be a professional partygoer?” I question teasingly. The tension seems to be gone and the conversation is flowing nicely.  
Liam laughs. “Yeah maybe you can, I think you would be amazing.”  
“Thanks,” I beam.  
“But anyway,” he continues. “I really want to be taken seriously at the gym, so I have to get more muscular, built up you,” he explains.  
I’ve never seen Liam without his shirt on, he isn’t a nudist like Harry is, but I have seen his biceps through his shirts. He seems pretty muscular to me. “I think you’re alright.”  
Without any warning he suddenly takes off his shirt and an inaudible gasp escapes my mouth. For fuck’s sake Liam has such a wonderful body!  
Liam explains what areas he needs to work on, but honestly I’m barely listing as I stare at his body. If I don’t stop myself I’m going to drool, but I can’t take my eyes off of him. His muscles are dragging me towards them.  
“Well… as far as I can see,” I admit in a squeaky, high-pitched voice, “You don’t have to do a lot more training.”  
He chuckles at my reaction. “I don’t think you’ve seen the guys I’ll be working with. They are really big and have like less than 5 percent body fat.”  
He puts his shirt back on. Bummer.  
“I think your body looks perfect,” I flop out. Jeez, what am I thinking complimenting my friends’ body?  
Liam coughs and scratches the back of his neck in what seems discomfort.  
We sit there for a while in an awkward silence.  
  
“So, how are you?” he asks me after a while.  
“Me?” I stammer in surprise. The question comes out of the blue and I really don’t know how to answer it. I don’t feel really good after everything that has happened, but I think I feel slightly better now that I don’t have to constantly lie in my bed. “I’m alright.”  
“Alright? What’s wrong Louis?” he inquires, looking at me with a serious and supportive expression.  
I’m perplexed by his interest. Normally we don’t talk about personal stuff. And whenever one of us is down we try to cheer the person up by, of course: hardcore music, beer and weed.  
I start talking and unintentionally I tell the whole story. I don’t leave out a single detail. It’s such a relief to finally tell everything. It comes up like vomit, I keep talking and talking. And Liam listens very attentively.  
When I’m finally ready with the whole story, which mostly was about that Zayn guy, he speaks up: “can I be honest? I think you should do that assignment with Zayn. You can at least try.”  
Now it’s my turn to listing attentively to what he has to say. I’m already thankful by his first words. He is the first person out of the group who doesn’t immediately starts to shout angrily at Zayn for calling me a racist.  
“You’ll always have people at school or later at work who you don’t like, but you still have to deal and work with them. And maybe he isn’t that bad,” he continues.  
I nod. I feel so relieved with this answer. I don’t know why, but it makes me feel so much better. Weird huh?  
“Thank you, I think I agree.”  
“No problem, it probably felt good to get that of your chest.”  
“Yeah it did. It felt like uncontrollable vomit that I just had to take out. Ha-ha, that sounds very nasty,” I say between laughter.  
“Do you want to do something fun? Watch a movie or..?”  
I interrupt him and propose to go outside.  
He pouts. “Why? It’s cold outside.”  
I laugh. “Don’t worry, you have a strong body to protect you,” I remark playfully, grinning at him. Now that ‘the vomit’ is gone I start to think about his body again… great.  
He laughs awkwardly, seemingly uncomfortable.  
Maybe I’m being really inappropriate and a bad friend of he just doesn’t take compliments well. I’ll go with the second explanations because I don’t consider myself a bad friend. It would be kind of awesome if Liam is a bit shy when he is obviously very good looking. I hate guys who are extremely hot but are arrogant and self-absorbed. Those guys know that they are so handsome and flaunt it in front of everybody, preferably with millions of selfies. You don’t see that very often in the gabber world. People are more focused on the music and friends. That is one of the many other reasons why I love this style so much. Of course there are exceptions, even between the gabbers there are arrogant people. Last year at a hardcore party Emma, or better said Bitch, saw a girl that wore a shirt with the text: ‘I’m so close to perfect, it scares me. Being a Bitch as she can be, she told the girl she was also scared. Obviously the girl didn’t understand what Emma was talking about so she tried to explain it. She said that she would also be scared of herself when you never know when your fake hair, eyelashes or nails. I laughed so hard. Emma can be a real bitch, but this girl sort of had it coming with her shirt.  
“Come, we’re going outside,” I say demanding and I grab him by his upper arm. I can feel his big biceps and it takes an immense willpower to stop thinking about Liam's body. If I won't stop now, I'll probably get turned on, by my friend Liam. Oh dear god, what is happening to me?

\-----

“I had fun,” Liam says as we walk back towards his house.  
“Me too,” I nod with a smile. I really did have fun with Liam. At first I was really nervous and I didn’t know what to expect, but it was really fun and easy.  
“If you want, you can come by tomorrow again? It’s not like you have school or anything,” he teases.  
“Okay, why not?” I wouldn’t see why I wouldn’t go to Liam again. I truly had a nice time with him and I feel like I get to know him better. This is rather silly, given the fact that we have been friends for over four years. Apparently I didn’t know him that well. I certainly didn’t know he had this amazing body. Stop it, Tomlinson! Don’t think about that.  
“I’ll see you tomorrow. Not too early, okay?”  
I raise my eyebrows. “Who do you think I am? I might have a slight anger problem, but I’m not crazy!”  
Liam grins. “Hmmm…if you say so. Bye!” And with that he enters his house and closes his door.  
“Oh you wait and see how crazy I am!’ I yell at his door.  
With a smile plastered on my face I walk towards home. I feel a lot better after hanging out with Liam for a day. All that stress that I felt the last couple of days is completely gone! I’m not that worried anymore about the assignment and I’m certainly not worried about that Zayn guy. Only I’m still a bit pissed. Why? Well…you know me. I always have to be at least slightly angry, or let me rephrase that: when it comes to this year, I'm always at least slightly angry. Beforehand I was like this angel… a perfect angel.  
I can already hear Harry’s laugh inside my head. Okay, maybe I am crazy and I’m certainly no angel, I’ve always been more of a rogue. 

\----------

Since Tuesday, I have visited Liam daily. It’s really fun and I'm not completely bored out of my mind with sitting at home. There are still a few silent moments, but they are not that uncomfortable. I feel like I’ve gain a new friend, or better said: a better friend. We can laugh together, but we can also talk about serious stuff. He is a really great guy and I’m surprised he still doesn’t have a girlfriend (or boyfriend?). I think people have to know him a little better and then they can see what I see now: a great, HOT, nice and funny guy.  
Although for me, he can never be Harry. Nobody can replace him. Just thinking about Harry makes me ache for him. Thankfully I’ll see him tonight! He was very busy the last couple of days, but he still called and texted me whenever he could.  
If there is something in my life people should be jealous about, it is definitely my friends. I have the greatest friends in the whole world!


	6. Project China

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things start to develope between Louis and Zayn...
> 
> If you like this story I would really appreciate comments or kudos!

After two weeks of suspension I’m on my way to school again. I’ve been thinking about school a lot these last couple of weeks. Most of the time I’ve been thinking about Zayn. Even though I tried to get him out of my mind it didn’t help, I kept thinking about him. Mostly bad things, but truthfully sometimes not so bad things.  
Apparently Ms. Boonstra is still at home. My mum said that she became ‘mentally unstable’ after the fight. I think it’s just a pathetic excuse to stay home. After all it was just a fight, come on! If I would say that I became mentally unstable because of what happened people would call me a poser. But of course for the teacher it was a traumatic experience… yeah right.  
Believe me, if I could stay home I would. I really want to turn around, avoid school and preferably never go back. The idea to go back to school is scary and awful, I’m really nervous for today. People already had assumptions about me, but after the fight I’m sure I already got a reputation. I have to enter the hallways and I just know that everyone will stare at me. They will point at me and gossip and say that I’m the boy who got in a fight with his teacher and a student! He is a racist. And probably a faggot too.  
Yeah… I’m totally not looking forward to it.  
I wonder if people will also watch Zayn when he enters the hallways. After all, he is a Muslim boy at a high school with mostly Christian people and he also the one that got into a fight. He probably will feel like a black sheep. Zayn and I are black sheep’s. Zayn because he is Pakistani Muslim and I am because I’m a gabber and a fag. That’s just the way it is. People already have an impression of us, assumptions, without even knowing us.  
When I say it like this it might sound like I feel a sense unity, a bond, with Zayn, but that is most definitely not the case. There is just a small part of me that understands him, understands him for being different, for having prejudices about yourself. Other than that I hate him. I detest him and I’m still furious that he called me a racist. But from this moment forward it won’t matter. The moment has arrived: Louis Tomlinson has to work with Zayn Malik.  
Thanks to Liam I don’t feel that bad about it anymore. I still wish I could avoid it, but just like Liam said: I should try it and give Zayn a chance. That doesn’t mean I didn’t come up with a plan, actually hundreds of plans. All my plans involve as little time with Zayn as possible. I came up with plans in which I won’t have to see him often. My latest idea is to start together on the assignment to divide the work and work on it individually from that moment forward. That is possible right? I just have to see him once or if things don’t work out the way I really want, twice. That is okay. I can handle that right?

\-----

When I finally dared to enter the school it wasn’t even that bad. Some people gave me a quick glance, but that was all. But to avoid certain conversations or conflicts I quickly disappeared to the principal’s office. Before I could go to my first class I had a talk with principal Lens and of course Zayn. Great.  
Surprisingly everything went okay, until the moment we were alone.  
“No I didn’t say I couldn’t, I said I don’t want to,” Zayn responded in a bitter tone.  
With an angry stare I looked back at Zayn. “That will mean we will be stuck with each other more often, is that what you want?” I asked mockingly.  
“I don’t give a crap that you are frustrated or angry. I want a good grade and I’m willing to do something for it.”  
I shook my head. “Then you really have the wrong guy in front of you. It can be easily done in two times and besides I don’t want to see you more often.” I really tried to be nice, but it was like the moment Zayn opened his mouth the anger came back.  
“You have to,” he ordered, voice already raised.  
I shook my head again, extremely irritated. “You can’t tell me what do to!”  
“Alright,” he hissed. “We could work from 7 in the morning till late in the evening.”  
“7 in the morning? Are you fucking crazy?” That is not really a question.  
“For fuck’s sake Louis, you want to finish it so desperately within two days and then I finally propose something and you start to yell again. Fuck!”  
This Zayn guy is really getting on my nerves, but unfortunately he is right. “Alright, alright,” I groan. “Shall we start this Saturday? My place?”  
He inhales a sharp breath before he nods. “Okay. You should start looking for some things on China before Saturday.”  
“Oh and what about you?” I ask indignant, already a tad angry again.  
He rolls his eyes before answering me with an annoyed look: “I’ll do the same. And just so you know, I’m doing this for you so stop fucking whining!”  
He drives me up the wall with his demands, but I don’t want to start fighting again so I agree. “Alright,” I mumble.  
“See you,” he announces before walking away.  
Still slightly amazed and irritated I stand frozen at my place, glaring at Zayn until he is out of sight.  
Only after two minutes I’m able to start to move again, going to my first class after two weeks.

\-----

The rest of the day went, despite the annoying stares of some students, quite well. The teachers acted normal and all my classmates ignored me as before. Of course I still sat alone, but oh well... that will never change and I’m okay with it.  
Overall it went better than I had hoped or expected, aside from a stupid remark from Nick Fucking Grimshaw and the occasional arguments with Zayn know-it-all Malik.  
Nick asked me how my ‘vacation’ was. Of course he tried to fuck with me, make me angry, but I decided to ignore him. I even paid no attention to him when he said that if I ever wanted to work on my anger issues he has some ways to help me. He said it with a big, nasty smirk on his face. It was repulsive and disgusting. Apparently I wasn’t the only one that thought that, since this guy of my class suddenly yelled that he should keep his big, disgusting mouth shut. I chuckled and internally I was cheering the guy on. Frankly, I don’t think he said it to help me, he only said it because he finds Nick as irritating as me, but it doesn’t really matter to me; it was a very nice moment.  
Zayn know-it-all Malik and I made a few stupid arguments whenever the teacher asked one or the other. We need to argue with each other, somehow it feels quite normal. It feels nice to take my irritation out on him and I think he feels the same way. I think he likes it just as much as I like it. It’s not like I really like it, but it does make me feel good. It’s such a wonderful way to express my feelings and it works, for both of us. We can’t stand each other on one hand, but on the other we also find it amusing. Somewhere in one of our heated discussions I saw a little grin on his face. He so enjoyed it!  
Please, don’t get the idea that Zayn and I have a love-hate relationship or any kind of relationship for that matter, because we have absolutely no relationship or whatsoever.

\----------

“What on earth happened in here?” my mother questions as she inspects the room. “It looks like a bomb exploded!”  
“I know,” I reply hastily as I sort through my different shirts.  
The doorbell rings and thankfully my mother decides to open the door as I quickly put on a shirt after changing for at least 3 times. I’m nerves as hell for today. I don’t really know why, but my body is a block of nerves.  
While I put on my shirt I walk downstairs where I hear my mother introduce herself to Zayn. She sounds polite, but not as warm as she normally does. I think she is still cautious. After all, this is the boy who called me a racist and gave me a concussion.  
“Good afterno--, I mean good morning,” I hear Zayn stumble on his words. He seems very nervous and somehow it makes me relax. I’m not the only one who thinks this whole situation is weird and kind of nerve-wrecking. I’m halfway on the stairs but decide not to move any further so that I can secretly listen to their conversation.  
“I’m Zayn,” he introduces himself. “But you probably already knew this.”  
“I did,” she states stern, probably looking at him with her eyes narrowed suspiciously.  
Zayn goes inside alongside my mother. I hear him take a deep breath before he starts his apology. “I’m really sorry about Louis, about what happened between us. It was never my intention to hurt him and I’m genuinely sorry about my behavior.”  
I’m completely baffled by his apology, but quite frankly I only believe half of it. He isn’t genuinely sorry for his behavior, it certainly didn’t seem so the last couple of days at school. He never apologized to me, but now he is sucking up to my mother. How repulsive. Thankfully my mother is always on my side.  
“Thank you for apologizing. I understand that the fight was the fault of both of you. So hereby I forgive you, but don’t ever let it happen again okay?”  
My mouth falls open in complete surprise. What?! Our fault? He was the one that said he didn’t want to work with me! He was the one who called me a fucking racist! AH! I feel like screaming or better yet: fighting!  
“Thank you so much Mrs. Tomlinson,” he replies so well-mannered that it makes me barf.  
“Louis!” my mother shouts from the hallway, probably thinking I’m still in my room.  
I wish I was still in my room, I wish this day would never have to happen.  
“I’ll go check on him, why don’t you sit down in the living room, it’s straight ahead.”  
“Alright, thank you,” he answers as polite as ever.  
My mother walks up the stairs and is almost instantly met with me, her irritated son.  
“Oh there you are, aren’t you coming?” she raises her eyebrows at me.  
I want to whine and sulk at her for not defending me, but I know it won’t make this day any easier. It also won’t make it go by any faster. I just have to deal with it.  
“Yeah, yeah I’m coming,” I mope.  
“You should really give him a chance. He looks nice and seemed sincerely sorry for his behavior.”  
I can’t hold in my laughter anymore. Ha! If she only knew how he really is!  
Ah well, in a few hours she’ll probably think differently. 

A few minutes later I go into the living room. “Sorry, I wasn’t quite ready.”  
“It’s alright,” Zayn nods. “I got tea.”  
It’s alright? Well Zayn it wasn’t really an apology.  
“Come on, let’s start quickly. I’ve already searched some things on China, but there are still a lot of things I don’t know.”  
“Do you have a computer we can work on?”  
I nod. “Mum, can I use your computer?”  
“Why?”  
“Because…” I start, but truthfully I don’t have a good reason. I can’t tell my mum that I don’t want Zayn in my room; not with him beside me. I don’t have another choice than to be with him in my room. My messy room full of hardcore CDs and other stuff. Oh, what a joy it will bring…  
“Never mind,” I shrug. “Come, we’re going to my room.”  
Zayn nods before walking with me to my room.  
A weird feeling creeps over me as we walk upstairs. It’s probably the nerves again.  
“Don’t mind the mess,” I say as a sort of apology.  
I quickly start my computer and grab an extra chair so we can sit next to each other.  
He begins to talk about his research and suddenly I burst out in laughter. From the nerves, excitement and just overall feelings that erupts in my body.  
“Why are you laughing?” he questions irritated.  
You see? His polite attitude is gone the minute we are together. I should be careful or otherwise we’ll start arguing or fighting in no time. I want to make it through this day without a new concussion or bruised hand.  
“It’s nothing.”  
He opens his mouth to say something back, but changes his mind.  
We both sigh deeply and stare at the computer screen in silence.  
I break the silence with a question I actually already know. “Why do we have China?” “Because it was the only country that was still available, at least from the countries we could choose from.”  
“But China is so big!” I complain.  
“You think?” he remarks sarcastically. “I think it only makes it easier for us, there is so much information about China.”  
“Or too many,” I reply.  
“Yeah,” he nods in agreement.  
I open the document that I started on while I see his eyes wander around my room. His gaze stops as he looks at one of my Lonsdale shirts.  
“Why do you look at that?” I ask, already in defensive mode.  
‘Why not?” he argues back.  
I want to sigh again; how is this ever going to work?  
“Okay,” I speak up. “We really have to work quickly now, otherwise my plan failed.”  
“Oh yeah that’s right,” he replies bitterly. “I’m like this thing you want to get rid of as soon as possible right?”  
I know I sound like a real dickhead, but seriously; is it so hard to understand I don’t want to see him more often?  
“Yeah well… no, shit I don’t know. I just thought it would be better for us.”  
“Just look up the climate of China,” he demands with clear irritation in his voice.  
My first reaction is to argue, to shout. He shouldn’t be talking to me like that, in my house for fuck’s sake! But I try not to yell at him, I try to stay calm. Just breathe Lou, breathe.

After a few heated arguments we are finally starting on our project. We only talk when it’s absolutely necessary. And surprisingly it really works this way; we already have a lot of information!  
“Bah, they literally eat anything,” Zayn points out in pure disgust.  
When I turn to the side to look at him I can’t hold in my laughter anymore. He looks so funny with his nose scrunched up from disgust.  
“They also eat whale,” I explain.  
“No way!” Zayn blurts out.  
“No seriously. My uncle has eaten whale there once.”  
He frantically shakes his head. “I don’t believe you!”  
I shrug. “Then don’t.” I say to end the discussion, although I kind of love this harmless argument.  
Apparently Zayn isn’t done yet as he speaks up: “can you prove it?”  
“You can call my uncle? Or you can go to China?”  
He laughs. “Okay! We’re going to China,” he says excitedly with a lovely smile on his face.  
It’s the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on him and I have to admit it looks great on him. He should smile more often.  
I laugh along. “Okay we’ll go and we’ll go eat whale together!”  
“That’s a promise,” he announces with a big grin on his face.  
What a tool, I think to myself, while I chuckle at him. We are laughing and joking: together! It’s a fucking miracle!  
“Alright,” I agree with a smirk. “But I’ll pay the meal if you will pay the tickets.”  
“Ha-ha,” he smiles along with a phony laugh, but I detect a hint of a genuine smile.  
I laugh once more before returning my focus on our project again.  
“We should really go actually,” he marvels. “We could learn the culture, get a better grade and maybe I’ll get to know your nice side. You must have one,” he teases.  
My mouth falls open from astonishment. Seriously? “Thanks,” I reply cynical.  
“You’re welcome,” he beams.  
For a brief moment our eyes connect as we stare at each other. I stare at his dark eyes, with those very long, gorgeous eyelashes. His eyes bore into mine and my body shivers from the intensity.  
Shocked, I turn my head. Did I just feel something? No it can’t be, it’s impossible! Right?  
Zayn clears his throat. “Can I go to the toilet?”  
“Huh what?” I ask disoriented.  
“The toilet?” he asks again.  
“Oh yeah right,” I shake my head. “Go downstairs, first door on the left.”  
He nods and quickly emerges from the room.  
I’m still amazed and perplexed. What the fuck just happened? Zayn looked just as confused as I did. Did he feel something too? No… it can’t be. We can’t feel anything for each other; we hate each other.

\-----

The rest of the morning was extremely awkward. There was this unnerving vibe and I honestly didn’t know how to get rid of it. I tried to ignore any confusion that I felt inside of me by focusing on our assignment, as I planned.  
After hours of working on our project my mother called us for lunch with her and my brother Thomas. Zayn seemed utterly surprised when he saw Thomas. He obviously didn’t expect a black kid in this house. What is he doing in a house of a racist? That is what Zayn thought, I’m positive. If he knew me, really knew me, he would have known that I’m not a fucking racist! But as most people do, he has prejudices. And it really pissed me off, but I kept it to myself this time.  
Besides the moment that I wanted to shout at him, it really wasn’t that bad. During lunch he mostly talked with my mother and little brother while I sat there pretending to listen. Thankfully they didn’t include me much in their conversation. I had absolutely no interested in getting involved since my mind was racing with different thoughts. And if I’m completely honest with myself I once in a while glanced at Zayn. I hate his guts, but as a gay man I obviously noticed that he is attractive. Really attractive. Almost unacceptable handsome.


	7. Kiss or fight

While Zayn writes something for our assignment, I casually scroll on my phone until I notice the time. “Shit! It’s already 8 and we’re not even remotely ready!”  
“I told you that it will take time,” he replies while continuing to type on the computer.  
I raise my eyebrows. “Yeah, and what now? You want a standing ovation?” I tease. It was actually quite a nice day, despite the disagreements that we often had. And truthfully Zayn really isn’t that bad. Maybe that scares me even more. It scares me that parts of me enjoyed today. And that is something that can’t happen, that I can’t handle.  
“No,” he shakes his head as he finishes his last sentence before looking at me. “But we do have to meet again,” he says nonchalant, as if he is not bothered by that.  
“I know,” I sigh deeply.  
“I’ll be going,” he announces, seemingly offended.  
“Yeah,” I nod. Of fucking course he is offended: after all it’s not very nice to show someone you rather don’t want to see them again.  
“Shall we meet tomorrow again? We can do some stuff tonight, then we might finish it tomorrow.”  
“Yeah that’s good, thank you,” I reply somewhat ashamed for my shitty behavior.  
To end today in a slightly better mood I joke: “if it was up to my mother you could come over here every day, ha!”  
He faintly smiles at my last words. “Yeah she is really nice. I’ll see you tomorrow, around 9?”  
“Okay. Bye,” I reply as he walks out of my room and downstairs. The polite thing to do is to follow him till the front door, but instead I slam my own door shut and fall down on my bed. My heart is beating erratically. Why? “Why?” I scream confused. Please don’t tell me you like him? That is not okay, it can’t be….  
Fuck! Why is this happening? Why is everything so difficult? Zayn and I finally got on an actually human level and suddenly it seems like I have some sort of feelings for him.  
I really need to go to Harry. He can always cheer me up and let me forget about everything. Tonight I hope he can let me forget about this Zayn guy.

“MUM!”  
“Yeah?” she replies, the sounds seems to come from my parents’ bedroom.  
I quickly run to the bedroom and open the door. I’m taken by surprise when I see my mother lying in bed, reading a book. It’s only 8; why is she already lying in bed? Normally she’s still running around the house. I want to ask her what is wrong, but for now I have other important things to do.  
“Mummm?” I ask in my sweet, pleading voice. “Can I please stay over at Harry’s home tonight?” It would be so much more practical (and better to forget about Zayn) to sleep over at Harry’s house.  
She chuckles. “Of course you can, I’m surprised you even asked. You practically live there in the weekends.”  
I think about it for a moment and mentally slap myself. It’s Saturday! I forgot because I was too busy with Za… the project.  
“Oh yeah,” I shake my head. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” I walk over to her and give her a kiss on her cheek. Up close I can see how exhausted she looks. How come? Shall I ask her if something is wrong?  
“Have fun,” she smiles before giving me a kiss back.  
I decide to ignore it for now, but I’ll talk to her later.

\-----  
“HAZZA!” I scream from the top of my lungs while I loudly bang on his front door. It appears that Anne and Gemma are out and Harry listens to hardcore music. Apparently very loudly because he doesn’t hear my screams and also doesn’t answer my calls.  
I decide to call Emma; maybe she will answer her bloody phone.

_“Hey Louuu,” Emma answers her call a little too excited._  
 _“Hey Bitch, how’s it going?”_  
 _She laughs loudly through the phone and yells: “STOP IT!”_  
 _I quickly take the phone away from my ear. I don’t want to become deaf because of Emma’s harsh screams._  
 _Emma coughs and laughs at the same time and I’m impatiently waiting till she can talk normal again._  
 _“Sorry,” she explains. “It’s Michael, being a twat as usual.”_  
 _I can hear the fond in her voice as she talks about her boyfriend._  
 _“What were you saying?” she giggles._  
 _“I’m standing in front of Harry’s house but he doesn’t answer the doorbell or my calls.”_  
 _“Oh dear Louis, poor thing!” she says heartfelt, completely sincere. Yeah… as if._  
 _“Anyway,” Emma adds. “Why don’t we go to Plo? Michael needs to leave anyway and I’ll ask the other guys to join us.”_  
 _It wasn’t my original plan, but nonetheless a good distraction. “Alright, I’ll text Hazza. I’m sure he will read it within an hour or so.”_  
 _“Great!” I’ll see you there. Bye Lou.”_

\-----

“Don’t make me beg,” Emma slurs. Niall and Emma are both already pretty wasted but they are the complete opposite of each other whenever they are wasted. Emma gets all clingy, whines about every little thing and is a friggin emotional mess. Niall on the other hand is a loud and energetic drunk guy. To be fair he is just the same as he normally is, but it’s all just a little bit more extreme. Overall Niall is just a very happy and carefree person. Or at least that is what you think when you first see him. I’ve known Niall for a few years now and I know that he has problems at home. He didn’t have the easiest childhood, mostly thanks to his mother. Sometimes I think he compensate or ignores the hard things he’s been through by being overly happily and friendly. Besides, Niall is almost always drunk, stoned or ecstatic from other drugs.  
At the moment, the group (or better said Emma) is begging me to go out with them to a hardcore party. I’ve already said no because I have to work on the assignment tomorrow. I really need a few hours of sleep. And after chilling and laughing at our café for a few hours I already feel a lot better. It really helped me: I almost completely forgot about Zayn! But the fact that I still thought about him frightens me. It’s wrong. I can’t think about him: I hate him! Zayn is aggressive, stubborn and a fucking racist and he thinks the same about me. We can’t stand each other, so why do I think about him? It’s not like we could ever be together. He is a Pakistani Muslim and I’m a white gabber boy. I am a boy, a boy with a penis. I’m gay or as most people like to call me: a faggot. Zayn is straight, I’m positive. And even if he is gay, he would never like me.  
“Hello, are you there?” Harry asks as he pinches my upper arm.  
“Au!” I reply in shock and look up at my friends.  
“Please?” Emma whines again while she looks at me with a pleading, sad pout. “Come with us.”  
I shake my head. “I really have to go, I have to work on that project remember?”  
“Emma, leave Louis alone. He’ll come with us the next time, right?” Liam interferes with an understanding smile.  
I smile back at him and mouth a ‘thank you’. Liam knows a little bit about my situation with Zayn and I’m so grateful that he helped me. If he didn’t, I probably ended up partying till 7 in the morning.  
“Yeah I promise, I’ll go along to the next party.”  
“Okay, time for your beauty sleep,” Harry demands before he suddenly wraps his arms around my waist and pushes me up.  
I yelp. “FUCK! What are you doing?” I ask shocked, in a high-pitched voice.  
“I’m taking you to bed,” he states dead-serious.  
“No way, you should go with them! Have fun!”  
“Yeah Hazza, go with us! Pleaseee,” Emma pleads.  
“Sorry guys, duty calls.”  
“Duty calls? I’m not sick or anything!” I reply in defense.  
Harry only chuckles at reaction while he, with one arm still around my waist, drags me outside. “See you later, bye!” 

When we are outside I push his arm away. “What was that about?” I ask reluctant.  
Harry shrugs. “I don’t know.”  
“Yeah you do,” I answer stubbornly.  
“Something was weird tonight,” he explains warily. “I felt distant from you and I didn’t like it.”  
My heart swells from love and stings from sorrow. Harry is so incredible sweet. I realize I was a little distant and that hurts. It hurts, because I can see that it pained my best friend.  
With my index finger I pull his chin up until he looks directly into my eyes. “I’m sorry if you felt like that, you know I love your right?”  
He nods, still looking slightly conflicted.  
As he’s about to say something I interrupt him by giving him a kiss on his mouth.  
“I love you too,” he replies as we break our kiss.  
“Let’s go to your place and cuddle for a bit?” I suggest.  
He smiles widely. “I’d love that.”

\----------

Today starts just as hectic as yesterday morning. I’m all over the place, quickly grabbing my stuff. Right now the only thing I can think of is Zayn, despite the fact that I try to push those thoughts away. Apparently some thoughts aren’t so easily to put aside or put them in a box.  
I hear Harry groan beside me in his bed. “Lou, please calm down. If you really don’t want to see Zayn call him.”  
I ignore Harry’s ‘wise’ words. Harry thinks I don’t want to see Zayn, but in reality I really want to see him. What a fucking disaster!  
“I’m sorry Haz,” I apologize for my mad behavior on Sunday morning.  
“After today I won’t have to see Zayn anymore or at least not outside of school. So from tomorrow forwards I won’t be so annoying anymore,” I reassure him. I just hope we can really finish the project today and that my words to calm Harry down are true. I hope that after today I can forget about Zayn.  
“Great,” he sighs in relief. “But you owe me for hysterically running around in my room at 8 in the morning!”  
“I know. Bye love,” I say in my sweetest tone before giving him a small kiss.  
He rolls his eyes, but still looks at me with a fond look. “Bye Lou!”  
I quickly walk away and wave at him.  
I can assure you that he will go back to sleep again. 

\-----

Once I arrive home, I run to my room to change my clothes. Also, I fix my hair a little and clean my room (throw my stuff in the closets). This is all for Zayn for crying out loud! It’s fucking ridiculous and pathetic and quite frankly it pisses me off.  
The doorbell rings but I ignore it. I know my mother or father will open the door or otherwise Thomas will jump excitedly to the door.  
Did I hear the bell again? Why doesn’t anyone open?  
I cast a quick glance at myself in the mirror and run downstairs.  
Hastily I open the door. Zayn. Zayn in a leather jacket.  
For a brief moment I can only stare at him, my mind blank.  
“Hey, come in.”  
Zayn faintly smiles at me and enters the house. Where is the rest? Why is my brother not whining for attention?  
“Hold on, I just have to check something,” I say already slightly in panic. I quickly emerge to the living room, but there is still no sight of my parents or little brother.  
Whenever my parents leave the house my mother leaves a note on the kitchen table. I walk over to the kitchen and instantly notice the little note. I grab it harshly and start to read it. They are at grandmas because she had a headache? What the hell? It’s just ridiculous…  
Does it really matter Tomlinson? Yes it does! A lot actually! Now I’m alone with Zayn, fuck!  
I have to ask him to leave. I can’t be alone with him in my house. I’m already so agitated.  
“Are you okay?” Zayn asks me with concern in his voice.  
“No of course I’m not,” I reply unfairly angry. He is trying to be nice and once more I’m a dickhead.  
“Sorry,” I shake my head. “It’s nothing. Do you want something to drink?”  
“Okay,” he shrugs casually.  
He seems so calm and relaxed. How can he be this calm when I’m feeling so anxious? Obviously because he doesn’t feel anything for you, you stupid boy! Why would he like you? There is absolutely no reason for that. Louis Tomlinson you should be happy about that, it’s not like you can ever date him.  
Zayn, with his beautiful dark eyes, stares at me, giving me chills. I can’t decide if the chills are a good or a bad thing.  
I feel restless as he keeps staring at me. “Why are you looking?” I ask slightly irritated.  
“It’s nothing, I just looked,” he replies calmly.  
Why did he look at me like that? Can he see that I feel uncomfortable and on edge?  
I want him out of my house, but we have to work on the assignment. I just have to make it through today. I can do that. I try to calm myself by replying the following words inside my head: it will be okay, today will be okay.  
“Oh, and I didn’t work on our assignment last night,” he adds. “I’ve gone out with a few friends. You?”  
“Me neither,” I reply. “I went to drink something with a few friends and then I stayed over at Hazza’s.”  
“Hazza’s? What is that?” he asks confused.  
I chuckle before I explain: “oh it’s just a nickname for Harry.”  
“Harry? Is he your boyfriend?”  
“No he isn’t, we just have a special bond. But why did you think I was gay?” I question.  
“I just assumed,” he replies nonchalant.  
It pisses me off. ‘He just assumed’. It’s not like I haven’t heard it before. Even when I wear my bomber jacket, sweatpants and my Maxxies people still assume I’m gay. I don’t know what it is, but apparently I scream gay.  
“Do you have a problem with that?” I ask offended, my tone already enraged.  
“No, that would be kind of hypocritical,” he mumbles softly.  
“What?” I ask utterly confused.  
“Never mind,” he mutters.  
Still puzzled by his answer I finally grab a glass and pour him his drink. I want to ask him what he meant with that and ask him if I even heard him correctly, but I don’t want to start fighting again. We need to work on our project.  
I give him his drink, which he gulps down at once.  
“Do you want another drink?”  
“No thank you.”  
“Are you sure you don’t want another drink or something?” I ask him again since he just gulped down his previous drink in what seemed like a split second.  
“I might want something,” he replies with a hint of mischief and a faint smile.  
I’m startled by his answer and tone of mischief. Did I just hear that right? What did he mean by it? Is he playing some sort of sick joke? Or is he flirting?  
It’s probably nothing, but my curiosity takes the upper hand. “So, what do you want then?”  
He is obviously surprised by my boldness, because he doesn’t directly answer me back.  
“You’ve got guts, don’t you?” he questions with a bit of amazement in his voice.

Immediately after our little teasing moment we walk upstairs.  
I start my computer and he takes out his notes. It seems normal, but my mind is still racing and my body is still restless.  
If I want to concentrate on our assignment I really have to listen to some music. It’s the only thing right now that can calm me down.  
“Do you mind if I put some music on?” I ask Zayn mainly to be polite, since it’s my house after all and I could just do whatever I want.  
“Honestly? I rather you don’t. I can’t work with hardcore music on the background. Actually, I can’t do anything with it. I think it’s really horrendous music,” he says it with a look of disgust on his face.  
His face, even with a repulsive look on it, is still gorgeous as ever. His mouth, even with those unnecessary hate comments about hardcore music, is still as luscious as before.  
And partly due to already feeling agitated after yesterday, I suddenly let out all my frustration. I throw out my annoyance with the fact that me made me feel like shit in front of our class, twice. My irritation because he called me a racist on several occasions, in which one time he punched me so hard and often that I ended up sick an injured at home for two weeks. My utter frustration because of the way he looks, especially in that leather jacket. And lastly I throw out my hatred for fucking with my feelings, for making me confused and angry all the time.  
While I uncontrollably and incoherent shout at Zayn, he remains quite calm. That makes me even angrier.  
“Why are you not screaming?” I yell at him, fists already clenched in pure anger.  
“I just don’t see the point to exaggerate right now.”  
“Well excuse me,” I scoff. “Normally you would do the exact same thing!”  
“Maybe, but I can control myself.”  
“That’s not fucking true!” I shout. I know how I can get him angry, how to push his buttons. It’s very simple. “You fucking can’t you stupid Muslim!”  
All of a sudden his eyes turn completely black, he looks totally enraged. It feels like I’m suddenly standing in front of someone else.  
Zayn clenches his fists as well, his torso moves up and down and he breaths loudly. If I don’t do something soon, he will punch me. I can’t let that happen, so I automatically try to defend myself even though he hasn’t done anything yet. I grab his underarm and twist it around. He yelps in pain, but with his left foot he kicks my shin harshly. I cry out loud and instantly let go of his arm.  
We push, hit and kick each other. I feel the pain in my whole body, but the anger is overpowering.  
As he pushes me again I fall down on the ground with a loud thump, a sharp pain spreads through my back.  
Unexpectedly Zayn is now on top of me. I have no idea how he ended up there. I only know and feel that I’m extremely furious. Zayn seems furious too. He grabs both my arms and throws them on the ground. I can’t escape from his forceful grip.  
I try to move my legs in attempts of revenge, but it’s no use. He has straddled my hips and is much stronger than I expected with his thin physique.  
Knowing there is nothing I can do I suddenly scream out in panic: “STOP!”  
My hard and panicky voice obviously affects him. He directly loses his grip on me and even slightly moves away from me.  
I feel tears coming up. Tears of frustration, sadness, pain and confusion. I don’t want to cry in front of him.  
“Get out of my house. NOW!” I demand harshly.  
Zayn doesn’t respond. He sits, seemingly paralyzed, on the floor and stares in the distance.  
I grab his shoulder to take him out of his trance. He has an extremely fast reflection, within a second he grabs my arms again and pushes me to the floor once more.  
“GO AWAY!” I scream desperately. Tears swell up in my eyes and fall down on my cheeks. I can only see a blur of Zayn’s face while tears keep uncontrollably fall down my face.  
I keep crying until I feel lips touching mine. An electric shock runs through my body, my veins. What on earth is going on?  
Abruptly I stop crying and open my eyes to look at Zayn in utter shock. His lips are still on mine, but they don't move.  
I do nothing. I don’t kiss him back, but I also don’t pull away. My arms lie unconsciously on the ground and my head feels like it’s about to explode any minute.  
We have our lips sealed together, without any other movement, without any other sound than my own heart that is pounding loudly in my chest.  
The kiss feels like an eternity, but in reality it’s probably only a few seconds. After that, Zayn literally storms out of my room.  
Still in aftershock and amazement I keep lying on the floor. I can’t feel the pain from the fight anymore; I can only feel the touch of his lips on mine.  
I start to cry again, but this time from sorrow. I regret all of this. This should have never happened. Zayn should have never kissed me.  
No one can know, really nobody. They can’t know that Zayn and I kissed and they absolutely can’t know that I didn’t want it to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like this story please vote or comment =)


	8. Confusion

Yesterday I didn’t go to school. I faked being sick and thankfully my mother believed me. I really couldn’t go to school. Face Zayn after our kiss? I don’t think so. It was too fresh and I was too scared.   
I knew that I had to go to school someday and sadly that day came sooner than I had hoped. My mother took my temperature and noticed I was fine, so now I’m on my way to school. On my way to see Zayn.   
Even if I want to avoid it at all costs, I need to look Zayn in the eye, talk to him and last but definitely not least: we still have to finish our assignment. How am I ever going to do that after Sunday? After our fight and more importantly after our kiss? I’ve been thinking about it nonstop.   
I just have to face him and make it through. The sooner we finish our project the better. I can go back to my old self, my old life, without confusing feelings about some guy who, completely out of the blue, kissed me. I still hate Zayn with a passion, but I also have other feelings. Somehow, in my sick mind, I feel something for him. And that terrifies me. It terrifies me a lot. 

I walk into the classroom and immediately go to my seat with my eyes focused on my table. I can’t look around me and see what is happening, I’m too fucking nervous.   
As I sit down, eyes still glued on the table, I hear all these different kind of noises. I hear students whisper, chewing gum and some even clicking their heels. I try to ignore the sounds, ignore those people and instead I grab my history book and pretend to read it. I have no fucking clue what I am supposedly reading, but honestly I don’t care. I’m just bluntly staring at the page while my mind is continually screaming: Zayn, Zayn, Zayn. It’s fucking driving me crazy and it’s been this way since Sunday. Since the kiss.  
The teacher starts his class by asking some students about the homework. Thankfully, like basically every teacher, he doesn’t ask me a question. And now as everyone is either paying attention or ignoring the teacher, I finally dare to look around me. From the corner of my eye I see Anna (who I still blame) nervously chewing on her pencil. Mikey is writing, or more likely drawing, in his history book. And there is probably a lot more nonsense going on, but luckily as far as I can see from the corner of my eye, hiding behind my history book, no one is looking in my direction.   
Slowly I turn around even more to look in Zayn’s direction. As silly as it may be, I want to see him; I want to see if he is here.   
Completely startled I drop my book. Zayn is here. Zayn is staring directly at me.   
I quickly grab my book and avert my gaze. Oh my…   
The teacher is still talking about whatever, but I can only focus on Zayn’s eyes. In that instant I saw so much. I don’t know what I saw, but why was he looking at me? Does he feel the same way I do? Do we really like each other? What kind of feelings do I have exactly? Do I like him? Do I hate him? Am I in love with him? God… this is utterly confusing. I honestly don’t know how I feel, nor how I can get through this day without screaming of crying; which seems to be a reoccurring event these days. 

“… page 56, and try to answer the questions without reading the chapter first,” mister Talma explains.   
I attempt to read the first question when an all too familiar guy walks up to me.   
“Can I sit next to you?”   
For fuck’s sake why does he has such a beautiful, smooth voice? Why can’t I just hate him? Why, if I’m completely honest with myself, do I feel a little bit excited as he asks me this question? It’s pathetic right? My instinct is telling me to say, no scream, yes, but you should know me by now. “And why would you do that?” I ask reluctant, still not quite meeting his gaze.  
“Because I want to talk to you,” he responds in a serious tone.  
“Okay,” I shrug. “I don’t care, I really don’t give a fuck about anything anymore.”  
“Well, well. That’s a little bit dramatic don’t you think?” he remarks as he sits down in the chair next to mine.  
“Well I’m so sorry,” I reply in a mocking tone, rolling my eyes. Seriously, why can’t I just act normal?   
“Tomorrow we’re of off after fifth period. Shall we work on the project afterwards?”   
I try to sound casual and uninterested as I nod. “Okay.”  
“Okay,” he replies before taking his own history book out. Is he seriously going to sit here and do his schoolwork? What this all he wanted to talk about? I can’t be, right? 

Occasionally I glance at Zayn, but it seems that he doesn’t even notice. He is doing his work and seems quite serious about it too. How is that even possible? How can he function right now? I can barely keep it together with Zayn just a few inches away from me. Bloody hell.   
“Okay,” mister Talma announces after a while. “You can discuss your answers with the person next to you and afterwards check if your answers are correct.”  
Zayn immediately turns around and looks at me. I can feel his eyes bore into me as I keep my own gaze at my history book. Of course I’m not doing anything, but Zayn doesn’t have to know.   
“Ugh,” Zayn groans. “History is so out!”   
I’m surprised by the sudden conversation and even more by the topic. “What?” I ask confused.  
“Out,” he explains with a serious look. “Like as in it’s now history.”  
“You’re crazy,” I chuckle with a slight hint of adoration in my tone. I try not to show it, but I’m probably failing miserably. I like this side of him. He occasionally has such strange remarks.  
“Thanks, I’ll take that as a compliment,” he says with a slight grin on his face.  
“Hmm… I think it was a compliment,” I reply as I look at him with a grin on my face that I can’t seem to hide.  
We look into each other’s eyes for a moment before turning our heads and remaining silent again. We’re probably both thinking about the same thing: the kiss.  
It’s quite for a moment, as I recall what happened on Sunday, until Zayn suddenly moves closer towards me and whispers in my ear: “I have no regrets.”  
His words, along with his breath close to my ear, make me shiver. I don’t regret the kiss either. As much as I don’t want to acknowledge it: I liked it.  
But at the same time I know it’s wrong what we did. Whatever is going on, it shouldn’t be. We don’t belong together in any sort of way.   
Therefore I don’t reply to his words and just silently stare at the teacher, waiting for this class to be over. 

\----------

Within six hours Zayn will come back to my place to work on our project. And if I’m looking forward to it and have barely slept because of it, that’s a secret I will never reveal. And I also will never admit that I’ve been basically thinking about Zayn nonstop. I think about him whenever I’m in my room, when I’m at school and even when I’m with Harry. And even if I want to ignore it, I still have physical and emotional pain about Sunday, making me think about it once more. The physical pain isn’t anything out of the ordinary, just some small bruises and soreness from the fight Zayn and I had, but the emotional pain from the kiss is far more present and deeper. Obviously this kiss itself wasn’t painful, because honestly how can a kiss be painful? No, it’s because I liked it. And I shouldn’t have liked it, not with the guy I hate so much.   
I haven’t told anyone about the kiss, not even Harry. Truthfully, I don’t know how people would react to this news. I don’t think they will understand especially because of the fact that I kept ranting about how much I hate Zayn. They might not even believe me if I told them we kissed and even more so, I doubt they would be happy about the news. Louis and Zayn. Zayn who hates gabbers and bluntly called me a racist. Zayn, a Pakistani Muslim with Louis? That’s impossible! It’s not that I have anything against Muslims, but I don’t even talk or hang out with them. Let alone date one of them. It can’t happen. Just as much as this kiss shouldn’t have happened, but yet it did.  
“Love? Are you there? Please finish your sandwich, you need to go to school.”  
“Yeah mum, I will.” I quickly grab the rest of my sandwich and stuff it into my mouth.   
Just as I want to stand up, my little brother walks over to me.  
“Hey Lou!”   
Thomas knows that I don’t have much time right now, but he behaved so sweet recently that I can’t be mad at him for wanting my attention.   
“Hey tom!” I reply as I pick him up and put him on my head while I spin around.   
Our mother looks at us with a fond expression.  
“So,” I announce as I put Thomas on the ground again. “That’s it for today; I really need to go to school. Oh and mum,” I add. “Zayn will come over today, we are still not finished with our project.”  
“It bothers you, eh?”   
“A little,” I reply half-truthfully. Thankfully she doesn’t ask me anymore questions, just gives me a small kiss.  
“Bye mum, bye Tom!” I wave at them and Thomas immediately waves back with a wide smile on his face. 

\-----

My first class is geography. For the last few weeks we had a replacement for Ms. Boonstra, but something tells me that Ms. Boonstra is back. I don’t know why, but I have a bad feeling as I walk towards the classroom.  
Luck is apparently not on my side. When is it ever? Just a few steps away from me I see Ms. Boonstra in front of the classroom, greeting everyone with a very friendly ‘good morning’. She looks rather happy for someone who was ‘mentally unstable’. I fucking knew it; it was just a simple excuse to get a few weeks of vacation. That witch!  
The moment she spots me her fake smile falters. As I walk towards her she gives me a mildly, make that extremely, disgusted look. I can tell that she wants to say something, but for once she keeps her mouth shut. Finally she does something wise, otherwise I’ll probably end up hitting her again.

When everyone is inside Ms. Boonstra begins her class. Just hearing his nasal, irritating voice makes me sick to the stomach. I haven’t heard her awful tone or seen her Yzma-like appearance in weeks and I definitely haven’t missed it.   
“As I’ve heard from your substitute teacher some of you haven’t even started on your project and most of you have probably only just begun. It’s outrageous!” she spits with a displeased look. “I was going to let you have this hour to work on the project, but after hearing the news I’ve decided not to use this hour for the project. You can finish it, in time, at home.”  
I sigh in relief. Yes! Bloody hell, am I really that happy with this news just so that I can spend more time with Zayn? That’s fucked up, but oh so true. As much as I dread him coming over at my house, I want it even more.   
I quickly turn around to look at Zayn and as usual when I look at him he looks back. This time with a small smile on his face, a smile that is so utterly contagious. He looks just as happy about it as I am, that clearly has to mean something. We clearly don’t just feel hate for each other. We like each other, right?   
I turn around and the smile changes into a frown. Do I really like him? Can I finally admit it that I feel more for Zayn than hate? But what if Zayn doesn’t like me and he is just playing a game with me? Why would he like me? And what does a simple kiss even mean? Ugh, all these questions make me even more confused and honestly even a little bit terrified. 

\-----

Today wasn’t even that bad. I’ve got through geography without any feud, impatiently sat through two hours of English and I could even focus enough on Math to get a few answers right. Altogether it was bearable, even if most of the time I thought of Zayn. Speaking of which, where is he? We agreed to meet each other in the cafeteria but there is no sign of Zayn. Maybe he’s already outside?   
I decide to walk outside and instantly spot Zayn through the crowd, but it doesn’t seem like he is waiting for me.   
I quickly run up to him as I scream: “Zayn! Wait up!”  
After a few screams he finally turns around.  
“Where are you going?” I ask partly out of breath.   
“Sorry I can’t come with you. I’ll go and work on our project at home okay?” Zayn rants anxiously and continues. “Maybe you can do that as well? I’ll try to do as much as possible, alright?”  
No it’s not okay! Of course not you bloody idiot! You should come to my house! Why are you doing this to me?  
“I don’t understand,” I reply confused. Why does he suddenly don’t want to come over and work on the project? Just a few hours ago we looked at each other and smiled for fuck’s sake!   
“I’m sorry, I just can’t,” he answers vaguely.   
Great. Just absolutely brilliant.  
“Well… alright then,” I say with clear disappointment in in my voice. I was finally able to admit that I like Zayn and I wanted him to come over and suddenly ‘he just can’t’.   
Apparently Zayn is taken by surprise by my clear disappointment, that I just couldn’t hide from both my voice and my facial expression, because he looks up at me and a smile appears on his wonderful face. A small smile, but nonetheless a smile. A smile so sweet, with those beautiful soft, gorgeous lips. Lips that have touched mine. A kiss that I don’t regret.  
“I don’t regret it,” I tell him softly.  
He stares at me, but doesn’t reply to my words.   
That hurts, that fucking hurts. Tears swell up in my eyes and I feel a lump in my throat.  
Without saying another word I walk away, instantly regretting my confession, showing my weakness. I hate him. I hate him so fucking much!


	9. Love & Hate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter, finally =) So I don't know how many people (have) read this. But if you do and like it: please tell me by leaving kudos or comment on my story, it would make me really happy =)
> 
> Enjoy this chapter full of drama! ;)

_“Hallo?”_  
 _”Hey Bitch!”_  
 _”Lou!” She says happily. “How’s it going?”_  
 _“I’m fine.” I lie flatly. “You?”_  
 _“I’m good, little busy and stuff. I’ve already had my first exams, school exams, but I believe it all went well!”_  
I genuinely smile. I’m happy for her. Although sometimes I seem jealous of her, mostly I'm happy for her. “That’s great, I’m happy for you.”  
 _“Awhh but I really missed you Saturday Lou! Too bad that you and Hazza didn’t go out with us! But how is it going with you and that boy?” She asks me interested._  
 _“That boy, Zayn, is a fucking jerk.” I say angrily. And this time I’m not even remotely lying._  
 _“I’m sorry Lou! I can’t believe you have to work with him!” Just from the phone I can hear her sympathy._  
 _“I know.” I sigh sadly and I swallow hard._  
 _“It’s fucking unfair!” She yells. “How can you work with someone who is such an idiot and who dares to call you and racist? If you ask me, he is the only racist!”_  
 _If I wasn’t so hurt right now I would probably laugh and agree. He is a fucking asshole and a racist, but he is so much more than that. He became so much more than that. And it hurts. So instead I say “Thanks.”_  
 _“No problem, you know I’m always here for you!” And I know she means it._  
 _“I know, you too.”_  
 _“I have to go, learn for another exam. But I’ll call you soon, okay?”  
_ _“Okay. Bye!”_

Before she can say anything in return, I hang up. I feel deeply sad. God! Does this happen when you hit puberty? Does all this shit happen when you become older? I prefer to stay a child.  
Why did he suddenly not want to come over anymore? Why didn’t he say anything back when I agreed with him on our kiss? I fucking admitted that I had no regrets. How incredibly stupid can you be! He’s probably laughing at me with his friends. Enjoying this. Of course… this was all just a game to him.  
With tears in my eyes I go home. It’s still early so there is a chance that Tom is still at childcare and my mum is doing groceries or is at grandma. Hopefully! Please, I can’t deal with a concerned mother or an annoying little brother right now.  
When I finally arrive home I keep pleading and wishing that nobody is home.  
I open the door. “Hey, is there someone?” I ask and I try to keep my voice steady.  
No answer. Thankfully. Without a warning the tears stream down my face. I’m crying with little hiccups and my body is shaking. I feel terrible. I am so emotional lately! I can’t take it anymore. My life has to be like it was before Zayn appeared in it. I’ll just quickly finish that stupid China project en after that it’s goodbye Zayn. He doesn’t belong in my life. He doesn’t belong with me.  
I grab an Endymion CD, put it on his hardest and start to dance. Hakkuh till I drop! I ignore the tears and soon they stop. The adrenaline is flowing through my body. I forget everything. I’m totally into the music. I can feel the music. Nothing except the loud bass. No sorrow. No pain. Only the bass. Only the music. Just the Hardcore.  
Unfortunately the moment passes very quickly. Zayn is banging loudly on my door. Without seeing him I know it’s him.  
I turn the music off before I walk towards the door. I feel rather empty. That’s good. That way I can seem hard. Good for him.  
As I open the door I ask him uninterested. “What?”  
Zayn doesn’t look at me, he stares at his own feet. “I don’t know, okay!” He yells angry and hysterical. I hear panic in his voice. “I don’t know anymore.” He says confused. He looks at me. His eyes are full of sadness and confusion. I finally see his grief. He finally shows some emotion, apart from the outbursts.  
“I understand.” I say truthfully. “It’s all very confusing.”  
“Yeah.” He admits with a sob.  
I can’t hate him! I really can’t. He looks so small, so vulnerable and oh so good. “Do you want to come in?” I ask.  
“Well I can’t really work on that China project right now.”  
“I understand.” I say with a soft smile.  
“And you don’t mind?” He says surprised. He already seems partly relieved.  
I shake my head. “Come.”  
I plop down on the couch. Zayn does the same. We sit next to each other and remain silent.  
It’s not like my anger has suddenly vanished, but it’s been partly overshadowed by other feelings. Feelings that are still rather hard to explain, let along accept.  
“So.” He says after a long break.  
“So.” I say back. I really don’t know what I want to say to him. I want to thank him for coming over, but I can’t. He really hurt me by embarrassing me just a few hours ago. Why did he do that?  
And just like that my questions are being answered. “I don’t know okay?” He says, a little bit steadier. “When I told you I didn’t regret it and you didn’t answer me, I didn’t know what it meant. I was already fucking confused, but you made it a lot worse. And when you suddenly said you didn’t regret it, I didn’t know how to handle it.”  
I’m overwhelmed by his honesty and openness. All I can do is look him into his eyes and smile. An understanding smile.  
He takes my hand and softly pinches in it. My body shivers from the touch. It’s such a simple affection, but it takes me to cloud nine. A smile appears on his face, a smile appears on my face. Suddenly we both move towards each other and I feel his lips against my lips. I feel his hands on my hips, my hands roaming his body. I smile into the kiss. I fucking can’t stop smiling. I feel so happy right now. It feels so good. He is amazing. I’m not even trying to change my mind about it.  
“I don’t understand why I, from all people in the world, like you so much.” He says after a while of kissing and cuddling. You can take it as a great insult, but I understand.  
I nod. “I know! I don’t get it either. You are really stubborn, you have prejudices and you are aggressive!” I say amazed.  
“You too.” He chuckles. “Why would it be huh?” He adds questionably. “Because you look fucking amazing.” I say with a giggle. It’s the most relaxed I ever felt around him and I’m not lying. Zayn is unbelievable good looking, like on a non-human level.  
“Haha. You look good too Louis. You are so beautiful.” He says with a serious look.  
My heart skips a beat. Somehow hearing him say it makes me swell.  
“But I’ve also fallen on your inside. Can you imagine?” He says playfully.  
“Phew! Yes, I can imagine that very well.” I say grinning. We were just kissing and touching and I felt goose bumps all over my body. Now we are joking and laughing with each other, but it feels just as good. Just as familiar.  
“Me too.” He smiles and together we start to laugh.  
“What the fuck just happened within an hour of time?” I ask between laughter. Not even an hour ago I couldn’t stand him, I fucking hated him. And now we are sitting close next to each other and we occasionally touch hands or brush again each other with our arms or knees. It’s nothing special when you like someone, but it feels very intimate. And for us it feels very special. How did we ever end up like this?  
His left hand comes to the back of my neck and he carefully brings me towards him. He kisses me intensely. With a thumping heartbeat I return the kiss. My body is craving for him and his touch. It feels so nice, so soft and overwhelming.  
He stops the kiss, but he keeps his forehead against mine as he looks deeply in my eyes. His brown, dark eyes stare at me and for the first time I can only see happy emotions. It makes me slightly blush.  
He slowly moves away, but as he does, he gives a light, lingering kiss on my forehead. It makes my body feel on fire, it’s burning with sensation and adoration.  
“I have to go. Shall I come back tomorrow to work on the project?”  
“You can stay?” I propose. From the inside I’m begging him to stay.  
He shakes his head. “I’m sorry, I have to be home for dinner. My parents are very strict about it.”  
I’m bummed out. I don’t want him to go. What does it matter that your parents are strict about it? You’re supposedly in love! So why the fuck do you care about your parents?  
“Okay, I’ll see your tomorrow.” I say slightly offended. I don’t move from the couch, he can let himself out. I’m not really offended, but still feel sad about it. My mood has instantly changed. I don’t look at him anymore and close my eyes. I think about everything that just happened and thoughts drift through my mind. I hear Zayn leave, but he doesn’t say anything anymore.  
Sometimes I can really be irritated with myself. What do I want? I can’t seriously date Zayn, can I? We haven’t even discussed it, but it seems unrealistic. Dating Zayn. Zayn the aggressive, Muslim boy who hates gabbers. Zayn, the boy who takes away my breath when he kisses me. He who makes my heart falter when I look into his beautiful eyes. It’s all just very confusing.  
My mother and Tom can be home any minute, they don’t need to know. Nobody has to know. It will just remain a secret between us two. A secret love.  
Oh, how I want you in my arms again. 

__\-----------------_ _

__“Ha Zayn, come inside.”  
“Hello Ms. Tomlinson, how’s it going?” He asks polite, as he enters the house.  
“Fine and how are---“Johannah gets interrupted by Thomas. “Mum… I please?” He begs with a little pout on his mouth.  
“Yes, you can watch TV.” She says to him and he immediately runs to the living room.  
“As I was about to ask, how are you? How’s the project going? Louis never mentions it.”  
“Thank you, I’m doing well and the project is going okay.” He smiles.  
“Good to hear. Louis is upstairs, I’m afraid he is still asleep. Don’t you two have to go to school today?”  
“No we have, as they call it Study Day, so we have a day off.”  
She nods and chuckles. “Well, I’ve never seen Louis working on schoolwork on a day off. You have quite an impact.”  
Zayn can’t help to smile. “Thanks.”  
“Just go upstairs, but be careful. He can be a bit sulky in the morning.”  
Zayn nods and goes upstairs.  
I can hear voices from downstairs, but I assume it’s my mum and dad. I certainly didn’t expect to suddenly hear a careful knock on my bedroom door.  
“Louis?” I hear Zayn’s soft voice.  
“Shit!” I mumble to myself. What is he doing here, so early? I’m not even dressed, I’m just awake and fuck!  
“Are you okay?” I hear Zayn ask from outside the room.  
“Yeah, just a minute.” Panicky I try to ruffle my hair a bit and make myself look at least a little bit more presentable.  
I open the door, partly ashamed. “Hey.”  
“Hey” He answers and carefully walks inside. He walks near me, but he doesn’t touch me.  
He looks unsure and I’m also not quite sure how to handle this new situation. I feel weird to just go up and kiss him. This feeling of doubt, I never have that when I’m with Hazza. It’s just so easy and comfortable with Hazza. I can kiss or touch him whenever I feel like it and I don’t even think about it for a split second. This is different, everything about this is different. I don’t know how to act.  
“Hmmm... are you ready to work on the project or not?” He asks uncertain.  
“I would like to take a quick shower if that’s okay?”  
He nods. “Of course, no problem, gladly. I don’t want to sit next to someone who stinks.” He says a little bit more comfortable.  
“Oh shut it.” I say playfully. The mood feels slightly better and we smile at each other.  
“Just go shower, I’ll start working.” He offers.  
“No you don’t have to, just go downstairs for a moment. We’ll start when I’m ready, okay?”  
“I don’t mind.” He says shrugging.  
“But I do.” I say bluntly. I can feel that this is going to be a problem. Things like that you just feel.  
“Why?”  
“Well… because.” I say hesitant. “I don’t like it when you are on my computer when I’m not around.”  
He raises his eyebrows in confusion. “Is there something special on your computer? I’m not going to sniff around if that is what you think.”  
“Yeah but,” I can’t continue. There is no good reason why I don’t want him on my computer, other than the fact that I just don’t want it.  
“I get it,” He says pissed. “you don’t trust a Muslim on your computer.”  
“That’s not true!” I say sharp. We look at each other angrily.  
“Oh no! What is than huh?”  
His aggressive tone makes me angry as well. If he doesn’t stop now, I’ll probably punch his gorgeous face.  
“Nothing!” I scream. “It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you’re a Muslim. You always make it about that. That’s just rubbish. This is not about that, it’s about you!” Oh oh, that wasn’t particular smart of me to say.  
“Oh, so I’m not to be trusted? That is what you mean?” He says mockingly.  
This will result in a huge fight, shit! I have to stop it, but I can’t. I feel offended and I’m already in a fucked-up mood right now.  
“Fuck you!” I hiss. “That’s not it and you should stop with it! You don’t know me, you fucking don’t know me at all!” The furious words have already escaped my mouth and I don’t even regret them. I’m so mad at Zayn for assuming the worst.  
“And I don’t even want to know you.” He says bitter.  
It stings a bit, it really does, but I choose to ignore it. “Get out of my house, right NOW!” I scream.  
“Everything is better than being here with you.” He says harshly, with a cold eye.  
That’s it! I’m so fucking upset and angry.  
I’m going to beat him. I’m going to kill him. I’m going to fucking kill him. 

__Zayn left, but I still have my fists clenched. Ready to fight. I don’t hear or see him anymore. All I hear and feel is my loud heartbeat that is stuck in my throat._ _


	10. In love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: New chapter! I don't have much time to write unfortanetly, but I really wanted to post a new chapter. I don't know when I'll post the next one. Thank you for the few people that read my story and the people who left kudos on it. I hope more people will read/vote and I would love it if people would comment if they like it (or not and why?). But we will see, anyway enjoy =)

“Liam? Are you home?” I scream as I ring the doorbell for the second time. Because of everything that happened with Zayn, I’ve really neglected my friends. Especially the new bond that I have with Liam I’ve ignored.  
Since the fight with Zayn – in which I killed him… not really – we haven’t spoken to each other anymore. It’s Sunday, the fight was more than a week ago and since then we have completely ignored each other. We haven’t talked or worked on our project. School is just like before, expect without the occasional bickering that we did before. And every time that I did glance around to look at him, he was looking at something else. Not once have I seen him looking back at me and that hurt more than I care to admit. Other than that it was just completely normal, like before we started on the project. It was yet again the same where everyone ignores me.  
Even though I haven’t spoken to Zayn in over a week, he was still constantly on my mind. The whole week I was so furious at Zayn and if my gaze could kill than he would be death by now. Last week, because of Zayn, I haven’t even seen my friends. Not even Hazza! We did call and texted throughout the week, but only occasionally and always short. And every time he asked to hang out I told an excuse so I didn’t had to. I didn’t feel like hanging out, my mind was too occupied with Zayn. I was scared that if I did go to Hazza that I would just burst out everything. That I would just tell him what happened and how I feel. But that can’t happen, I can’t tell Hazza what happened between Zayn and me.  
I feel really shitty for my behavior. Not only last week, but overall this whole year. I’ve been an emotional and angry mess and I was busier with hating Zayn than I was with my friends.  
But it’s time for change! Everything will be as it was before. Hazza and me. Bitch and me. Hazza, Bitch, Liam, Nialler and me. The whole group again and hopefully I can see Liam more often. I really enjoyed spending more time with Liam.  
“Hi” Liam greets me as he opens the door, panting from exhaustion. He wears shorts and he has a towel over his torso. Nothing else. Just that. God, why does he have to do that to me? I flush and feel embarrassed because of my obvious lust over his body.  
“Hi.” I stammer.  
“Come in.” He smiles.  
“Thanks. Yeah, I was wondering how things are with you? I haven’t talked to you in a while. I was very busy with school and stuff.” That always remains a great and believable excuse.  
He nods. “Last year, huh?” He grabs two glasses and pours me a soda. “I was training, so I didn’t hear the bell. Recently I have my own fitness room!” He says excited.  
“Here.” He hands me my drink.  
“Thanks. That’s amazing! So how’s the gym?” I ask as I sit down on a chair.  
“I’m starting to get used to it, haha! Still a bit strange though.”  
“Yeah I understand, it always takes some time to get used to a workplace!”  
He nods. “Yeah, but I really like it.”  
“So how about my job?” I ask jokingly.  
“Ah unfortunately they don’t need anyone, but when I start my own gym you can work there!” He says proudly.  
“Awesome! That sounds amazing, your own gym! I could never start my own business.” Now that I think about it I realize that I can’t do anything. I’m not good at anything. Damn that sucks.  
“What do you want to do than after you graduate?” He asks interested.  
I’m relieved Liam isn’t angry at me for not contacting him for over a week. It feels good to have sort of an extra friend to talk to. Liam is really a great listener.  
“I don’t know.” I say honestly. Just thinking about it gives me a slight fear. I haven’t really thought about it, but within a half year I’ll probably graduate! That’s so fucking soon!  
When I was younger I had all these career dreams. My first dream job, as far as I can remember, was to be a pilot. For me there was nothing more exciting and thrilling than the idea of flying. A couple of years later I suddenly wanted to be a singer. But I gave that dream up, along with my pilot dream, a long time ago. I’m just not good enough for any of those things. I’m not even sure if there is anything I can do.  
“It’s alright.” Liam says assuring. “As you may remember I quit school because I didn’t like it. I had a lot of trouble to find what I really wanted to do. But eventually I found it and you will as well. Just give it time.”  
“Hopefully, I really have no clue.” I sigh. Just imagine that I would work in a supermarket for the rest of my life. How depressing is that? Sitting behind a cash register every single day! The whole time on my lazy ass! And I have to be polite and nice to people I don’t know. Haha, that’s so not for me.  
“You know what I think suits you?”  
“Do I want to know?” I ask with a nervous chuckle.  
“Maybe.” He laughs.  
What will he say? I don’t even know what suits me, why would he know?  
“I think journalism is something for you. You dare to speak your mind.”  
Liam seems very serious. There is no hint of a smile on his face. I myself start to laugh very loudly. Tears of laughter form in my eyes. Me as a journalist? No way!  
“No!” I say in-between laughter. “That’s really not for me.”  
“Oh.” He shrugs. “Apparently I don’t know you that well.”  
“I don’t even know what I want or can do, so that means I don’t even know me!” To be honest that is the truth. I don’t know myself, or at least not anymore. I haven’t been myself this year. This year has been chaos. Fights. Anger. Pain. Tears. School. Friends. Zayn. I can come up with a lot more stuff, but I’m not going to do that. I just want to forget everything. I want my life to be as it used to be. With my friends. With my music. Without angst, pain, confusion and anger. Perhaps a part inside of me tells me that I want Zayn, but I tend not to listen.  
“So how’s it going with your project?” Liam asks with sympathy in both his voice and his eyes. Fuck! Why does he have to bring that up? I know he means well, but I just don’t want to think about Zayn. I want to forget him! And I’m definitely don’t want to talk about him. I’m scared if I do that I will rant on about him. I can’t stop thinking about Zayn, but I need to.  
“It’s okay.” I say curtly, in the hopes he understand that I don’t want to talk about it anymore.  
“Okay.” Liam says and I let out a grateful sigh.  
I try to change the subject. “Next week I’ll finally go along with you guys! I haven’t been to a rave in like two or three weeks? Maybe even more.”  
He nods. “I guess that’s a good plan. I have an extra ticket for this rave party in Utrecht, you can have it if you want?”  
“Okay, thanks!” I smile. “But why do you have an extra ticket?”  
“Well since Nialler can’t come along, I…” he starts but I interrupt him. “What do you mean?” I ask immediately. Nialler never gives up a party.  
Liam looks at me in shock. “You haven’t heard yet?”  
I look at him in confusion. “I don’t have a clue what you are talking about.”  
“… that’s why he is in prison.” My mouth falls open from astonishment as he tells me the whole story. Nialler in prison? For dealing drugs? I knew that Nialler took quite a lot of XTC and sometimes even speed, but I didn’t know that he dealed in drugs. Whoa. It completely surprises me.  
“How long is he in there?”  
“Since Friday.”  
“Since Friday! How do you know this exactly?”  
He raises his eyebrows. “We are friends right? I heard it from Hazza.”  
I sigh. I really have neglected my friends. I need to go visit Hazza, I need to set things straight. Fuck, I’m a terrible friend! “I feel so sorry for Nialler.” I say with sadness in my voice.  
He nods. “Yeah, I really don’t know what’s going to happen with him, but I was actually planning to go back to my training…” He starts and I interrupt him once more. “What nonsense! You are muscular enough.” Apparently I can’t shut my mouth about his body. I can’t help it! His body is just a beautiful and physical distraction from Zayn and his… STOP! Okay, focus on Liam. No! Don’t focus on Liam’s body, you make him uncomfortable, damn it!  
“Well if I want to keep it that way I have to train, but maybe you want to join?”  
No. “Okay.”  
We walk to the room where he has a lot of sports equipment.  
“Whoa, it looks amazing!” Although it’s nothing I would want stuffed in my room, but it does look amazing. And expensive.  
He smiles proudly. “Yeah, I’m so happy with it!” He gives me a towel and a bottle of water. “I think you need this.” He says with a grin.  
“Thanks.” I smile at him and suddenly without thinking it through I step forward and give him a kiss on his mouth. A kiss? Liam and I? But before I can even process what is happening he breaks the kiss.  
“Sorry.” I say stammering. I look down in shame. I’m shocked by myself. His lips felt nice, but if also felt weird. It wasn’t bad or anything, just weird.  
“Hmmm.” He looks at me in confusion. “What are you doing?”  
“I’m sorry, I don’t know.” I fumble with my hands in nerves. God! Did I just ruin this relationship by a simple kiss?  
“Hey Lou, it is okay.” He says reassuringly and takes my hand. He softly touches it and smiles at me. “You just took me by surprise, is all.”  
“You don’t mind?” I ask partly relieved.  
He shakes his head. “No, but I don’t really know how to react.”  
I chuckle nervously. “I understand. I’m sorry if I made things uncomfortable.”  
I feel so stupid for kissing him out of the blue. I feel bad for him. Liam has only been in one serious relationship with a woman. He is the relationship kind of guy. And not just any relationship, he wants it to be special. He gives his whole heart to someone. And that someone is most likely a girl.  
Unexpectedly Liam suddenly leans in again and kisses me. I kiss him back and before I know it we are really kissing. Not just a simple touch of the lips, but full on snogging. Lips on lips, tongue meets tongue. It feels warm and pretty nice. I suck on his lower lip and I fucking hear him groan low in his throat! Oh my! He kisses me back with just as much heat and starts to nibble on my lip. I open my eyes and all of a sudden Zayn’s head appears. I break the kiss and look at him in shock. Why the fuck did I just saw Zayn for a second?  
“Strange, isn’t it?” Liam’s eyes shine with confusion and uncertainty, just like mine. I nod. This is definitely the pinnacle of surprises! This year so many strange things have happened. I don’t know what this is and I think Liam is even more confused than I am.  
“I don’t think I’m in the mood for training.” I say, still slightly baffled. “I hope we are okay?”  
He nods. “Sure, I never thought about kissing a boy, let a long a good friend of my, but it wasn’t bad.” He frowns. He’s probably a bit shocked by the fact he isn’t that freaked out about it.  
“Hey, it’s okay. You’re not suddenly gay because we kissed.”  
He laughs. “I know! I’m not that thick. It’s just I… don’t think…”  
I interrupt him. “Hey! I understand you are confused, but just let it be what it was okay?”  
“And what was it?” He asks.  
I smile at him. “Well it was a nice kiss.”  
“That indeed.” He smiles and for the first time since I kissed him he looks relaxed. I’m glad he takes it so well and isn’t completely freaked out. Most straight gays (although after the kiss I start to doubt if he is hundred percent straight) would freak! They wouldn’t be so cool about it. It’s nice that whatever it was didn’t make things completely awkward. It just happened. It doesn’t mean anything. 

\-----------------

“Lou!” Hazza smiles his widest smile, which is only reserved for me.  
He hugs me tightly and I lean into the embrace. It feels so familiar and safe wrapped around Hazza’s arms. I breathe a sigh I didn’t even know I was holding in.  
“I missed you.” He says softly. Suddenly Hazza kisses my cheeks and he lowers and softly sucks on my neck. His touches are always so tender, with so much care and love in them. He always treats me like something special and I’m absolutely in ecstasy when he kisses or touches me. I feel so warm inside and loved. It feels so good. But somehow, for the first time, it doesn’t feel right. My body might crave for his touches, but a part of my mind says something else. I know why I feel like this. Because of that fucking asshole Zayn.  
“Hazz—“ I whimper. “Please stop.”  
Hazza ignores my whimpers, as he kisses my face and sucks on my earlobe.  
“Stop Hazza!” I say hard as I push him away. I see him flinch.  
“What’s wrong?” He says with so much hurt in his voice that it almost kills me. What is happening to me?  
“Nothing.” I try to sound nonchalant.  
“That’s bullshit!” He hisses.  
I really don’t know what to say in return. He knows I’m lying. Well of course he knows, Hazza probably knows me better than I do!  
“What is wrong with you? Why are you acting so weird lately?” This time his voice isn’t raised. His voice is higher than normal. He doesn’t have a fucking clue and I know that’s killing him. It’s killing him that I just refused him. And I feel so terrible for it.  
“Please Lou.” He says pleading and he holds my shoulders as he bores into my eyes. Pleading eyes, asking for my honesty. But I can’t give him that. It would most likely destroy him even more than this. He can’t know about Zayn. He certainly can’t know what I feel for Zayn. Besides the obvious hate for him.  
“Tell me Lou, please just tell me. I hate this!” His voice breaks at the end.  
“I kissed Liam.” I blurt out in panic. What?  
“What?” He says in utter shock. “When?”  
“Today. I don’t know why Hazza, I just suddenly kissed him.” I know that Hazza will be devastated, but I also know that this is the perfect excuse.  
“But…” He begins doubtful. He frowns deeply. “I still don’t understand. Is that why you are acting so weird lately?”  
I shrug. It honestly kills me to lie to him, I feel horrid.  
I can see in Hazza’s eyes that he is trying to ‘complete’ the puzzle, trying to wrap his mind around this. “So when you and Liam started hanging out more, you what? Got feelings? And what now? Does he like you?” He rambles on.  
I shush him. “Please Hazza, don’t think about it too much.”  
“Are you in love?” He asks uncertain.  
His question hits me like a ton of bricks. It comes as a very unpleasant sudden surprise. What? Do I love him? I wonder? As much as I like to deny it I do.  
I only nod. Technically I’m not lying. He didn’t ask me if I was in love with Liam. He asked me if I was in love. And I am. I am in love with Zayn.


	11. Truths and lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me if you want me to continue. I don't want to sound desperate, but well if I do sorry :P lol. I just really like to know what people's thoughts are, both the positive comments as the feedback! Because I'm posting this and I only got a few kudos so I have no idea what you guys think of my story
> 
> So I would really appreciate if you would comment and/or leave kudos!
> 
> enjoy =)

After my realization that I love Zayn I’m fucking terrified to go to school. Yesterday, Hazza and I have talked for over an hour about Liam and the more we talked the more I got uncomfortable. But I believe he wasn’t really relaxed either. He kept asking me how it happened and what I felt for Liam. He even wanted to ask Liam to come over and I panicked. I tried to explain to Hazza that Liam is very confused about the kiss, which isn’t far from the truth, and that he needs his time to think. He did understand that, but he kept asking things. To be honest, I’ve never felt so irritated with my Hazza. I tried to change the subject, but apparently it was so important for Hazza that he couldn’t do that. Damn it. After a while I decided to go home, with much protest from Hazza. I was so exhausted and confused. My mind kept drifting off to Zayn, Liam and Hazza. I’m lying to all of them and it makes me really uncomfortable.  
As I enter the classroom I don’t dare to look at Zayn. At the same time I really want to see and talk to him. We still don’t speak and we haven’t talked about the assignment.  
“So class, as you all hopefully know your project is due this Friday.” Ms. Boonstra says with a stern voice. Without thinking it through my eyes drift towards Zayn in panic. This Friday? How can that be? At first he doesn’t look back, so I can just look at him with mixed emotions. That is until this stupid Matt taps on his shoulder and points at my direction. Zayn looks up and I can’t look away. His beautiful dark-brown eyes stare at me. His eyes look kind of sad. It breaks my heart, just as he broke mine with his statements. We both sigh at the same time and look away. We know we have to talk to each other soon and finish our project. And what else? Is there still something? From my part there is, but I don’t know about Zayn. He barely looks at me and he doesn’t even try to talk to me.  
“Tomlinson?” A voice calls me and I look up in shock. Ms. Boonstra is just a few inches away from my face and looks at me with an annoyed look.  
“Yes?” I asks.  
“Have you done your homework, page 75 and 76?” She asks me. Loud and clear with perfect pronunciation. As if I’m too stupid to understand her if she doesn’t speak that way. I fucking hate that bitch!  
“No” I say bluntly. I’m not even trying to lie anymore. What is the point?  
“Okay great, that just costs you three hours of detention!”  
“What? Three hours? That is ridiculous!” I say loudly.  
“Did you say something?” She says with a disgusted look.  
I shake my head and decide not to argue for once. I know it doesn’t matter anyway; I can only make it worse.  
“And that also applies to you Matt and Zayn.”  
Completely baffled I look at her direction. At least she follows the rules. That is something.  
“Ms. Boonstra. I’m really sorry, but I have to go to the orthodontist this afternoon?” Matt says in an innocent, whiny voice. Matt is a pathetic kid and I don’t understand why Zayn even hangs out with such a loser.  
“Alright.” Ms. Boonstra says and with that it’s settled. Of course she falls for such a stupid excuse like this! Matt doesn’t even have Braces! Any excuse is good enough, unless it’s me.  
“And before you come with some brilliant excuse Malik, I don’t want to hear. You have detention and that’s it.”  
Fuck. This means three hours detention with Zayn. The boy who hates me and who I love the most. It’s pathetic. But now that I think about it, it seems like I’m not the only student that Ms. Boonstra hates. She seems to hold some grudges to Zayn as well. Maybe because Zayn likes me? Does he still like me? If so, that should be enough reasons for her to despise him. 

\-----------------

I open the door from the detention class. The moment I open the door I see Zayn. He looks at me, so I quickly turn my head.  
“I have detention. The name is Louis Tomlinson.” I say as polite as I can to the teacher.  
“Thank you, have a seat.” He says nicely. I look back at the almost empty classroom. It’s empty apart from the teacher, Zayn and some other kid I don’t know. So basically I can sit wherever I want. That means I can sit far away from Zayn or incredible close. I decide to sit far away, at the end of the classroom. No I’m not sitting behind Zayn so that at least I can look at him without him noticing, no fucking way.  
Fifteen minutes later the kid leaves, Zayn is still sitting in the same position and I haven’t even touched my books yet. I look intensely and with utter interested at Zayn’s back and every little part of it. I look to his rather broad shoulders in comparison with his thin torso and arms and I look at his exposed thin and long neck.  
“I have to go for a few minutes.” The teacher says as he breaks the silence. “I’ll be back soon and I expect you two to stay.”  
The moment he leaves the room, there is a very uncomfortable silence. I’m still looking at Zayn’s back and I can see his shoulders tense through his shirt. I know he wants to look, I can feel it. Probably as much as I want him to look at me. I want him to say something, because I’m too much of a coward to say something. He doesn’t. Someone has to break the silence before the teacher returns. Just as I’m building up the courage, he suddenly spins around and talks. “I really liked you, but you’ve hurt me. You said that you didn’t trust me and therefore I can’t trust you anymore.”  
I want to say something back, but my words are stuck in my throat. He really liked me. Liked as in not anymore. I want him to like me, I need him to like me. Luckily, as far as you can call it that, he continues. “I’ve never thought that you were a racist, far from it. But when you said you didn’t trust me I felt like being judged. I’m being judged all the time for being Muslim and don’t even get me started on being gay in a world were that simply doesn’t exist. I trusted you, but you broke that.” He looks at me with deep disappointment in his eyes.  
I can’t do anything but stare at the ground. How can I react to something like this? He just basically calls me a racist again and untrustworthy. I should be offended, but I’m not. I just want to make it right. The moment I decide to apologies, the teacher enters the room. “You guys can go.” He says and I close my mouth, taken aback by his sudden interruption. Maybe it’s for the better. Apparently Zayn is ‘over’ me and doesn’t trust me anymore. Without looking at anyone of them I grab my stuff and walk outside.  
\-----------------

With a grateful sigh I sit down on my couch. The school week is over and I can’t be happier. Happy that I don’t have to see Zayn’s face for a least a couple of days. This school week was incredible uncomfortable, even more than before. Some moments I really wanted to talk to Zayn, but I just didn’t know where to start. He doesn’t trust me and it seems that he doesn’t want anything to do with me. Apparently he is so disappointed in me that he can’t even speak to me anymore. That hurts the most if I’m being honest. If he tries to make it work with me, he can forgive me. Make what work? A relationship? So far we’ve kissed and I’ve fallen in love with him. That’s it, nothing more. But there was still a little part of me that hoped for more. I wanted more, but after today I’m almost positive that it won’t happen. Why? You know what he did? He turned in our project without talking with me about it! Zayn has practically written the entire paper, but I didn’t care and I certainly didn’t thank him. I hate him and I blame him. This isn’t fair. Now there is absolutely no reason why we should talk again. I will only see him at school at most of my classes. Nothing less. Nothing more. My chance of ever being with Zayn in any way is over. It is sad. What is even sadder is the fact that I’m thinking about it.  
In a few hours I’m going out with my friends. Instead of being excited I’m nervous as hell. It’s the first time after my kiss with Liam that I’ll see him. I’m afraid that it makes things really awkward. I’m even more afraid about Hazza and the way he will handle it.  
I decide to take a quick nap, just so that I can finally stop thinking. Slowly I drift off into a restless sleep full of nightmares. I dream about Zayn, Hazza, Liam and even Ms. Boonstra. All four of them have knifes and they want to kill me. I run away from them, I keep running and running, but they keep following me. My heartbeat goes rapidly and sweat is forming all over my body. I hear someone call me and suddenly grab my arm. With a terrified yell I quickly awake. I look up and see my father in front of me.  
“Louis? Are you alright?” He asks perplexed.  
I slowly nod. “Yeah, yeah just a dream.” I say, trying to sound as casual as possible.  
“Okay.” He smiles at me and pinches encouraging into my shoulder.  
As soon as he leaves I decide something. This can’t go on like this. I need to talk to Zayn first thing on Monday morning. I don’t care what will happen. There’s already happened so much, it can’t get any worse. Right?

\-----------------

I enter café Plo and I already hear Bitch laughing from a far. When I see them sitting in our regular place I notice that there are two empty spots. I walk over to them and as soon as they spot me they smile. “Lou!” Bitch screams excitedly. I hug her and give her a kiss on her cheek. “Hi love.” I smile. I greet Liam as normal as possible. I sit down on my common chair, alongside Hazza. He gives me a quick kiss on my cheek, but it doesn’t feel as a very warm welcome. I can’t really blame him. Things are a bit weird between us at the moment. I pinch his hand. “Hi Haz.”  
“So how are things?” Bitch asks me and I start to talk nonsense. I avoid everything that has anything to do with Zayn or Liam.  
“What’s up with you guys?” Bitch suddenly asks as she raises her eyebrows. The vibe in the room is completely different from other times. I want to say it’s because Nialler isn’t with us, which is really weird, but I know that is not the only reason.  
“I guess it’s just weird without Nialler.” I try to explain to her.  
“A kiss can make things weird too.” Hazza mumbles under his breath, but still loud enough for me to hear it. I flinch.  
“What?” Bitch asks. Luckily she didn’t hear it.  
“Nothing.” I say dead-serious and glance at Hazza. What is he planning? I quickly look over at Liam who looks at me with a knowing and nervous look. It appears that he heard it or at least he knows what it is about. He doesn’t speak up though and I’m yet again grateful for Liam’s behavior.  
I try to make things as normal as possible so I change the subject to Nialler again. Within minutes everyone is talking about him. All of them have visited him and I feel like a terrible friend because I haven’t yet. I’m going as soon as possible, but first I need to clear my head. I need to talk to Zayn.

\-----------------

After the initial weirdness things start to become more normal. We’re all a bit tipsy and it’s quite noticeable.  
“Would you ever sleep with a girl?” Bitch asks me between giggles. I quickly shake my head and shout “NOOO!” the idea is just repulsive to me. Okay that’s a bit exaggerated but I’m quite scared for the idea of having sex with a woman. Frankly a vagina freaks me out. It looks disgusting. I cringe my nose in disgust.  
We all chuckle loudly at my reaction.  
“And you Hazza? You did have sex with girls before, right?”  
I look over at Hazza as I see him nod. Hazza has never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend, but he did have some affairs. Other than some hook-ups, nothing serious.  
“What is better?” I practically slur. I’m curious since Hazza did fool around with both genders. He doesn’t immediately answer so I practically hang on his arm and plead him to talk. “Come on?” I ask sweetly. Normally that would make him giggle, but right now quite the opposite happens. He shakes his arm out of my grip and I look at him in confusion.  
The chuckles suddenly stop and everyone is silent.  
“Bitch and I are going for a smoke.” Liam suddenly says and they both quickly walk away.  
I immediately focus my attention on Hazza. “What was that about?” I ask slightly irritated.  
“What do you think?” He says annoyed.  
“Is this about Liam?” I ask reluctant. Why the fuck did I have to say I am in love! Now Hazza thinks I’m in love with Liam and it kills him. It affects him more than I expected.  
“Yeah partly.” He says exhausted.  
“Look at me.” I demand. “I’m not in love with Liam.” I say with an earnest expression.  
“Then why did you say that the other day?” He asks me with a puzzled look. You didn’t Haz, I think to myself. You’ve never asked if I was in love with Liam.  
“I don’t know.” I lie bluntly. “But I do know that it isn’t true, you caught me off guard with your question, but the kiss didn’t mean anything. It was a nice kiss, but nothing more than that.” I try to explain as truthful as possible.  
He nods tentatively.  
“I don’t have feelings for Liam, but if I did, why would you be so bothered about it?” I try to ask carefully. I know Hazza and I have a very different friendship, but we’ve both decided that this is the relationship we wanted. Just being together as close, very close friends.  
He shrugs. “I don’t know, it just bothered me so badly. I know we are not in a relationship, but somehow I feel like we are, you know? We talk to each other about everything, we hug and kiss each other, we always text and try to be with each other. I was satisfied with how things were, but then things changed and I thought it was because of Liam. I guess I became jealous.” My heart melts and aches at the same time. Hazza is such a sweetheart, he is my love. “I love you.” I reply and give him a soft peck on his lips. He instantly kisses me back with so much love and passion that it takes my breath away. When we break the kiss I want to ask him about before. “Why didn’t you want to answer when I asked you what is better?”  
He looks at me with an are-you-fucking-serious-look. I can only frown in response. “Isn’t it obvious? Of course it’s best with you, even though we’ve never had sex, everything and every moment of intimacy I’ve had with you are my most valuable moments.”  
I inhale a sharp breath, completely baffled by his honesty. Why does he have to do this right now? Why couldn’t this happen a few month before? Before I met Zayn. Even though I feel the same as Hazza and I love him with whole my heart, some part of me is holding me back. The part that is in love with Zayn.  
“Can things just go like they were before?” He asks softly as he stares in my eyes. Hesitatingly, I nod. His pained expression fades away and a small smile creeps on his face. Hazza wraps his arms around me in a tight hug. I can hear him let out a sigh of relief. I place my head on his shoulder. “Yeah, I like that.” I whisper sweetly in his ear. Why do things have to be so complicated? It’s the truth; I want things to be as they were, but how?


	12. The necklace

“Zayn, wait!” I yell as I run towards him. It’s Monday morning and I try to keep my promise; I need to talk to Zayn. As he turns around and he faces me my words get stuck in my throat. He looks so good. Like always. At most, a little tired, but furthermore he looks absolutely stunning. I feel nervous to talk to him after everything that happened but I mostly feel nervous because every time I see him I want to be with him. And that hurts, especially because I know Zayn doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.   
I try to look as confident as I can be, but that only makes me seem arrogant. “I just wanted to thank you for turning in our project, that’s all.” I say in the most casual voice I can manage.  
He shrugs. “Ah well, you shouldn’t have.”  
“Yes I did!” I practically scream and that’s all I can say, all I know what to say.  
“That’s it?” He asks impatient.  
No of course not Zayn, I want you to kiss me in front of everyone in this school yard! I don’t care if people will judge me, they already do anyway. I want to be with you.  
But instead of saying any of that I only nod in response.  
Without anything more, not even a glance, he walks away.  
I’m so upset with myself, I’m so utterly pathetic! I want to be with Zayn, who doesn’t want to be with me. In my head I’m pleading Zayn to crawl back to me, but from the outside I look as indifferent as possible. Why do I have to make things so complicated? I have an incredible boy that I love most in my life, but still a part of me is craving for Zayn. Why do I feel something for this boy? We don’t have anything in common, apart the fact that we both like to argue and fight. We never really dated, but the two times he kissed me I felt so alive. I felt so amazing and I just want that feeling to return.

\-----------------

School is just extremely awful. Just like last week Zayn has ignored me since our little talk on Monday morning. He hasn’t talked to or looked at me in three days and I try to ignore him as well. I try to look indifferent and bored, but in reality I keep glancing at him. Zayn intoxicates me in different ways.   
First of all with his outer beauty. He is so unbelievable handsome that I sometimes just stare at his facial and body features and admire them in silence.   
Secondly, with the way we interacted. Even though it’s probably really weird, I enjoyed our fights and arguments, which led to a kiss; twice! The way he enraged me within minutes and made me go soft just as rapidly. It made me crazy.   
He also intoxicates me in a completely furious way. I’m still extremely upset about the fact that he doesn’t trust me and that he is upset with me. When he said those words I felt defeated and that soon changed in a lot of anger. I hoped that he just wanted to say those words and we could work from there, but he doesn’t even want to try anything. He doesn’t want to talk to me. I feel so pathetic for even still wanting somebody who doesn’t like me anymore. Anymore? He did say he liked me, but if he really liked me he wouldn’t stop – whatever we had -, for something as stupid as this. Just thinking about it now makes me immensely furious. He can literally crawl under my skin. I ball my fist in anger.   
I feel like a ticking time bomb. School is just awful right now and then there is also the fact that my mother still looks extremely exhausted and Niall is in prison for dealing drugs. I still haven’t visited Niall and that makes me feel really guilty; what kind of friend am I?   
Luckily things between Hazza and me are starting to go back like the used to be. I don’t ignore him anymore and I try to act just like before. Mostly that just goes very easily. I love Hazza and I can be me without being judged. Far from that, I can be me and be loved because of that. I just hold a little secret to myself. Nobody knows and nobody is going to know because I have to move on.  
“Hi.” Someone says and me immediately gets me out of my daze.  
I instantly recognize him. It’s Matt, the boy who always sits next to Zayn. He has a huge satisfied grin on his face as he looks at me. I look back at him with an annoyed look; what does he want from me?  
I don’t understand what he wants, but he soon shows me. He opens his hand so I can see his palm. In his palm lies my necklace! My most valuable gift of all time. The necklace that Hazza gave me a few years ago. I didn’t even notice that it was gone!  
“Give it back.” I hiss angrily. I’m blazing. Who touches my necklace, indirectly touches Hazza and the person that touches Hazza is dead.  
“GOD DAMMIT, GIVE IT BACK!” I shout.   
I can see fear in Matt’s eyes, but he keeps hold on the necklace. People chant his name and cheer him on, which encourage him to impress the class.  
“Stop this!” The teacher says with panic in his voice.   
I have a reputation at this school and apparently even teachers are scared that I would hurt them. Normally I would be happy that people are afraid of me, but right now I’m just so incredible pissed off.   
With a grin on his face Matt shows me the necklace and holds it on two sides. “What are you going to do?” He says playfully as he shows the necklace to the rest of the class.  
With one quick movement I grab his arm and I slightly twist it.   
Matt screams in pain. “Fuck!”  
I grab the necklace out of his hands and put it around my neck. “If you ever do that again I will fucking kill you!” I threaten him with pure hatred in my voice.  
“Stop this now!” This teacher says again. “You two, go to the principal.” He says with a slightly stern look.   
I look around me and everyone is dead silence. Zayn looks right at me, for the first time this week.

\-----------------

“Hey.” A voice calls me. I easily recognize his voice. I look up from my chair – as I wait for my talk with the principal – and see two beautiful dark brown eyes staring at me.   
“Hey.”  
He sits down next to me. “I’m sorry about Matt.”  
I’m too tired to ignore him or to make some snarky comment so I just nod and look back at him. I can’t tell what he is thinking but it’s nice to see him. Even after everything that happened I still feel some sort of happiness when I see him.   
“Why were you so incredible angry?” He asks me in a whispered tone as he comes closer to me.  
I shiver when I hear his breath so close to my ear.   
“Because Hazza gave it to me.” I say and my hand automatically goes towards the little heart.   
“Oh.” He replies.   
I can’t believe I just told him this, something so personal. It’s a secret between Hazza and me. At that instant, when he gave me the necklace, I knew that he will always be a part of me. For me it was like he gave me a piece of his heart. I truly can’t explain what that did with me.   
Only my mum knows about the necklace because I couldn’t stop smiling like an idiot after Hazza gave it to me. Of course my mum noticed this and she kept bugging me until I finally told her about the heart.  
“This Hazza guy is very important for you isn’t he?” Zayn says with a small frown on his face.  
Once again I look at him. “Yeah of course, he is my everything.” I explain and the moment I say this I can see some sort of hurt in his eyes. It pains me to see the hurt in his eyes. Why? Why does it upset him? He was the one who ended ‘it’; he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.   
“Good to know.” He says. I can hear a small hint of sarcasm in his voice.   
“What?”   
“Nothing.” He sighs and he wants to stand up.  
I prevent him from leaving me once again. I grab his arm and with all my strength I put him down again.   
“Why are you doing this to me? You were the one who didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. You were the one who said that I can’t be trusted. And now you are upset because of Hazza?”   
“Of course I am!” He raises his voice.  
“Why?”   
For a moment he laughs, well it’s more like a chuckle. “Are you fucking serious?” He almost spits. “This Hazza...” he begins with anger in his voice.  
That makes me furious as well. How dare he let this be about him. “This is not about Hazza!”   
“Yes it is!” He says. “You told me he was just your friend, which he obviously isn’t.”   
I roll my eyes. “I’ve already told you that he is not my boyfriend.”  
“Oh excuse me, he isn’t your boyfriend, he is just your everything.” He hisses.  
“Seriously?” I answer in disbelief. What is he doing? Why is he doing this?   
“Why are you doing this? Why are you talking shit about my Hazza? You don’t have the rights do to that!” I yell back. I feel so incredible exhausted, but my heart rate increases and I can feel every muscle in my body tense.  
“You know why.” He says a lot calmer.  
I look at him. “I don’t. You don’t want anything to do with me anymore, you don’t even like me!”  
“Of course I like you!” He shouts.   
“What?” What? I can’t wrap my head around this. He likes me? He still likes me? Is this some kind of joke? Why is he doing this to me? No, this must be some sort of joke. This can’t be true. “No.” I shake my head. I can feel tears swell in my eyes. This is too much, I have too much emotions right now. “I don’t believe you.”  
He comes closer and I can see his chest and shoulders going wildly up and down. He looks so frustrated, so angry. He grabs my shirt and brings me closer and suddenly he presses his lips against mine.  
For a moment I’m completely frozen; in utter shock.   
When the initial shock is over I kiss him back. I slowly give a little more pressure against his lips and feel his mouth against mine. It’s warm and slightly sticky, but so nice.  
Soon he releases his lips from mine, but he still has a fist full of my shirt. It gives me a warm lingering feeling inside.   
“I like you.” He sighs. “I still fucking like you.”   
“But you said...” I begin warily. I’m still flabbergasted and in shock about all of this. It’s happening all so soon.  
“When I saw you shouting at Matt, seeing you so incredible furious, it reminded me of the first week of school. You amazed me with your aggression, coming from such a small boy. I missed that fierceness. I missed you.”  
It feels like my heart falters for a brief moment and I can only stare at him in amazement.   
“I’ve missed you too.” I whisper.   
A small smile appears on his face and he let’s go of my shirt.   
I smile back at him and give him a small peck on his lips. I know we still have a lot to talk about, but for the moment I try not to think about it. I just want to consume this feeling, this feeling of love and happiness. I want to kiss him again and I want to feel him again.   
A loud cough interrupts my initial plan. “Mister Tomlinson?” Principal Lens calls me.  
“Yes sir.” I immediately reply and head to his room.  
I turn around to Zayn. “I’ll see you later?” I ask unsure.  
He quickly takes my hand and softly strokes it. That little gesture makes my stomach flip. “Yeah definitely.” He nods.  
And with a complete different feeling I enter the principals’ office.


	13. Zayn

Just when I’m about to walk out of the door, Principal Lens says: “I’m glad you worked things out with Zayn Malik.” A small smile plays across his face.  
I feel myself blush. Not very long ago I sat at his office because I got in a huge fight with Zayn. Now he most likely saw me kissing this same boy! He is probably just as amazed as I am.   
“Thank you Principal Lens.” I say politely and walk out of his office.   
I walk to the corner and bump into someone. “Ouch.” I mumble.   
“Sorry.” An all too familiar, beautiful voice says.  
I smile. “You waited?”   
He shrugs, as if it is just something casual. “How was it?”   
“It was alright, but he kept talking about my grades. He said that he understands how it is to be a teenager and blah blah, but he kept emphasizing on the fact that this is my last year and that within a couple of months I’ll have my final exams.”   
“What about your grades?”   
“Let’s just say that if I make it-“  
“If you make it?” He interrupts me astonished.  
“Yes it’s no big deal.” I say indifferent. I really don’t care about my grades, about school. Okay, I really want to make this year, but that is just so that I can get away from this awful place. Other than that, I really don’t care.  
“Yes it is.” He says with a serious face.  
He looks extremely cute and handsome as he raises his eyebrows and looks at me intensely. He really seems to care about me, or at least about my grades.  
“Okay, okay it is. I’ll be careful.” I say just so I can shut him up. He is very talkative today.   
“And what about Matt?”  
I look at him with a puzzled look. “You ask a lot of questions.”  
He chuckles softly and slightly nervously. “Yeah, can’t help myself.”  
That makes me smile. “Principal Lens only gave me a warning, luckily.”   
“Good.” He nods and he looks at me again. He looks nervous and he even chews the inside of his cheek.   
I can understand that, a lot has happened in a few hours. I’m still confused as well. What happened and above all; what will happen now?  
“Maybe we can talk after school? My place?” I propose. We really need to talk.  
He nods. “Yeah we should. To class I assume?”  
We walk to our class in complete silence. I don’t dare to hold his hand or touch him. I really don’t know what we are right now and I don’t want to make a fool out of myself by doing something he might not want.   
As we enter the classroom, I go to my usual spot. Although we basically just ‘made things up’ that doesn’t necessarily mean things at school will change. Or at least that is what I think until Zayn sits down beside me.  
“Hey.” He whispers as he leans forward and gives me a kiss on the cheek. A shudder rushes through my body and I feel like my skin is on fire, just by such a simple kiss on my cheek.  
I hear a few gasps around me. When I look up almost everyone is staring at us with wide eyes. They look completely flabbergasted, amazed and some even what it seems disgusted.   
Everyone is silent. Dead-silence. Even the teacher is staring at us. All eyes (apart from the few unbothered students who are practically glued to their phones) are on me and Zayn.   
Zayn is the first one to make a noise, a small growl. As usual, he grabs his books, notebook, pencil and looks at the teacher in anticipation. Not showing any discomfort, irritation or whatsoever.  
The teacher shakes his head and starts talking. He tries to sound and act normal but I can see in his eyes that he is shocked.   
After a time of silence, little whispers and confused eyes, things start to get normal again. People pretend to listen to their teacher as they scramble or doodle something useless on their notebooks. I don’t even pretend to listen, I just look at Zayn. Seriously is that all I can do? Well apparently it is.   
“Why did you do that?” I ask after a while. It might be a silly question but I just didn’t expect it. I didn’t expect Zayn to just sit next to me and kiss me!   
He chuckles softly. “I couldn’t contain myself.”   
“I’m glad you couldn’t.” I smile at him.   
“You’re not scared for people’s reaction?”   
“Pff.” I scoff. “I don’t fucking care what these fucking children have to say about it.”   
Zayn’s smile grows wider and I can see a different expression in his eyes.  
“What?”  
“Nothing.” He smiles. “I just love it when you scold like that and I think it’s great you don’t care about what people think about you.”  
“I did care years ago, but after a while of people always judging me for no reason, calling me names, I just didn’t care anymore. They can suck my dick.” Louis grins.  
Zayn’s eyes widen. “I hope not.” He says with a half-serious tone.  
I giggle, I fucking giggle at that!  
“Tomlinson.” Mister Tig warns me.   
“Maybe we can talk later, at your house right?” Zayn asks again.  
I nod and as soon as I do I remember that I had plans with Hazza. I really want to see him, but even more I want to talk with Zayn. Or maybe do even more than just talking.  
I quickly text Hazza.  
Hey Hazza, can’t make it today. What about tomorrow? xx –L   
Zayn curiously looks over my shoulder, trying to read my text. “Who are you texting?” He says in a whispered voice.  
“Hazza.” I automatically reply.   
“Oh.” He sighs.  
I roll my eyes internally; he can’t seriously be disappointed about me texting my best friend? If so, that will be a huge, huge problem.  
“I just had to text him to cancel our plans for today, since we need to talk.”  
A faint smile plays across his face, making him look extremely beautiful. “Oh yeah.”  
Just a few moments later my phone buzzes. A new text from Hazza.  
Oh =( Anything special? X –H   
I type back almost automatically.   
No nothing special, just really need to study. Problems with principal =( –L  
I know it’s really awful that I'm lying to my best friend, but what else could I do? I can’t tell him about Zayn and to be honest it isn’t a real lie; I really do need to study.   
Awhh poor baby, afterwards you can come to me. We could cuddle? xx –H  
I cringe at his sweet message. Normally I would be delighted, I still am, but it makes me feel even guiltier.  
‘Alright?” Zayn asks.  
“Yeah.” No.   
I’ll try! Love u xx –L  
Okay =) Love u more xx –H

\-----------------

“You truly believed that I didn’t like you anymore?”  
“Well yeah.” I say truthfully. “You never even looked at me and I felt like you didn’t really like me. At least not the way I like you.”   
Zayn and I are currently sitting next to each other on my bed. Our legs are touching but other than that we don’t touch. It still feels a bit strange to just be all touchy and clingy, although whenever we do touch it feels incredible. I don’t know why but he makes me feel so alive.  
“How can you be so thick?” He asks amazed.   
I shrug. I really don’t think it was that weird of me. First of all I was figuring out my own feelings while in the meantime all these things happened around me. It was a lot and it made me really confused. Above all I had the feeling that Zayn didn’t really like me and that did hurt.   
“And for the record, I did look at you. Every time you didn’t look I secretly glanced at you.”  
I can’t describe what that does to me, but just hearing him say this makes me so fucking happy. So happy that I want to kiss him, touch him. But I know we still have a lot to talk about. Especially about what will happen now. That is the question that keeps bugging my mind. Of course I felt so amazing when we kissed and when he kissed my cheek in front of the whole class, but I still don’t know what this means. What does he want? And also, what do I want? Do I want a relationship with Zayn? Yes. Do I think it’s a stupid idea? Yes. And mainly, what about Hazza? Just thinking about him makes me cringe. I love him so much and things just started to get back to normal again. I can’t ruin that, I can’t change it again. So should I keep this a secret? I have so far and it didn’t really worked out – for instance, Hazza thinking I am in love with Liam – but I need to. If I want something with Zayn and oh I do. I really do.   
Zayn coughs and slightly ashamed I look up at him. “Sorry, I was thinking.”  
“You think way too much.” Zayn says amused.  
I gasp. “I don’t!”   
“Yeah you do.” Zayn says laid-back.  
Normally I would go in discussion. That is just my thing to do. I always defend myself even if I know someone else is right. I just always want to be right, but right now I’m just in such a great mood that all I can do is pout.   
Suddenly Zayn holds on to my face with both of his hands as he softly chuckles.   
I take in a breath as I feel his hands softly caressing my cheeks. He leans in forward and I can feel his breath that tingles on my face. My body longs for him and my hearts pounds in my chest. He closes the little distance that is still in-between us and he softly kisses my lips. He gives me slow, sweet pecks on my mouth which I easily return.   
After a while of slow kisses and discovering each other, I deepen the kiss. I slowly part my mouth and let him enter me with his tongue. Zayn doesn’t hesitate as he explores my mouth, but luckily he doesn’t use a lot of tongue. He just slowly licks my mouth and often just simply breathes in my mouth as he kisses my lips. I let him do whatever he wants and I return the favor as I enjoy the feeling of his warmth and closeness.   
When we break our kiss and catch our breaths I can see a small frown appear on his face.  
“About this Hazza…” He begins but I interrupt him. “Please don’t talk about him right now.”  
“But I-“  
I place my finger on his lips, in a way to shush him and to be honest just so that I can touch him again.  
He still has a frown on his face and a worried look in his eyes. I just know that this Hazza/Zayn thing will be a problem, but for now I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think about anything other than this. Just me and Zayn. Together.   
“You think way too much.” I say in a slightly mocking, teasing tone.   
He laughs at that and his frown disappears. He moves back towards my skin, this time giving slow kisses to my neck. I easily forget everything around me and quiver at his delicate and smooth touches that seem to burn my skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part was just basically fluffy/sweet Zouis. Because we need some before the drama begins ;) no just kidding, I won't tell you!
> 
> But I do have a question. I was thinking about how I want this story to develop and I have a lot of ideas. I want to use most of those ideas in this fanfic, but that will mean the story will be (very) long. I have no idea how long, because I still have to write everything. But my question is: do you want a long version of this fanfic or do you want me to make an end to this fanfic? (I don't mean right now, but just a little quicker, you know?).  
> Oh and yes this is a Zouis/Larry fanfic. So some chapters have a little bit more Zouis and others more Larry. Just so you know.
> 
> Please leave a comment or kudos, because that keeps me motivated to write! xx


	14. Outsider

I walk towards the cafeteria, looking for Zayn. When I see him he smiles and waves at me. I walk to him, well more like running.   
I’m almost there and I stumble and fall into his arms.  
“Looking elegant.”He grins.  
I shrug with a playful smile. I really don’t give a damn about the fact that it looked stupid. I also don’t give a fuck about all the students and teachers that gape at us. Seriously? Don’t they have anything better to do?   
It has been over a week since 'the cheek kiss' and people are still gossiping about us. I’ve heard some nasty comments from ‘faggot’ till ‘you infected Zayn’ or people who just laugh at us, but never, not once have I heard something positive. That would really bug me if I would give a fuck about these people. I don’t, so I don’t care.   
To be honest, I’ve never felt so good at school since the beginning of the school year. This year was just terrible. I felt alone and I felt like I could cry or burst out in anger any moment.   
Right now, seeing Zayn, all I can do is smile.  
The last week has passed like a blur. I feel like the only thing I have done this week is cuddle and talk with Hazza and kissing, touching and arguing with Zayn. The week was just so perfect, well mostly. When I’m with Hazza I’m thinking about Zayn. I know how much Zayn hates my relationship with Hazza, so every time we cuddle and give each other a little kiss on the cheek, I feel ashamed of my actions. In contrast, every time I’m with Zayn I’m thinking of Hazza. I feel guilty for lying to me best friend, my everything. The person that is always there for me.  
Seriously, I’m so messed up.   
Besides, Zayn and I still haven’t had ‘the talk’. I still don’t know where we stand after everything that happened. Sometimes I really try to talk to him but then I see his face and all I want is to touch and kiss it. His beauty amazes me and even though it sounds really pathetic it seriously is the biggest distraction. Not only his face, but the whole way he looks. From his perfect styled hair (that is ruffled at the end of our make-out session and looks so freaking adorable) to his slender fingers that gently touch my body. And not only does his outside amaze me, so does his personality. Although most of the time we argue, kiss and make-out, but whenever we do talk he astonish me with his sweet and funny personality.  
Zayn takes my hand and strokes it. Despite the fact that it has been only a little more than a week, the touch already feels so familiar, but new and exciting at the same time and I feel myself respond to his touches.   
Whenever he touches me, even so lightly as now, I want to grab him and kiss him. I try to hold my eagerness in. I can’t do that in the middle of the cafeteria. If only we were alone…  
“Instead of lunch, how about a nice walk?” I ask suggestively.   
He nods and together we walk outside. I try to ignore the hateful comments as I take Zayn’s hand in mine.   
When the school is out of our sight we sit down on a bench.   
“You don’t mind all those stupid people?” I ask. I don’t care (or at least I try not to care) about those comments, however I don’t really know how Zayn feels about it.   
“I don’t care, it’s not like they are friends of mine or anything.”   
“What about Matt?”   
“Matt?” He laughs. “That kid annoyed the hell out of me, but I just didn’t want to sit alone so I pretended that I liked him.”  
I nod understandingly. The thing is when I started this school year I was so upset to sit alone again. I absolutely hated it, so I understand his action. Even though I thought Zayn was liked by the rest of the class and I thought that they wanted to sit next to him. Apparently it’s not completely like that. I misjudged him.  
“I know it’s stupid.” He sighs.  
I shake my head. “No it’s not, people don’t want to be the outsider. Believe me I know.”   
“Yeah.” He agrees with a slightly sad tone. “The thing is I always feel like an outsider.” He begins.  
I’m surprised that he tells me this, because he never talks about himself and I normally have to drag questions out of him. Don’t get me wrong, he can be very talkative, but just not about his own life. I only nod, because I want him to continue.   
“I feel an outsider at school, because I have no friends. I’m the only Muslim at our class and there are so little at our school.”  
“But just because there are no Muslims doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with them, right?” I don’t even want to think to becoming friends with one of my classmates. They are so immature, childish and pathetic. But it has nothing to do with their religion.   
“Yeah you’re right, but they treat me different. They don’t understand me, but the truth is that I don’t really do or act that much different than other people my age.”  
“You treated me different in the beginning.” I can’t keep my mouth shut, because as much as I so understand what he is saying, it does bother me. He says people don’t understand him and judge him, but he did exactly the same thing to me.   
“I noticed you the first day I saw you…”  
“Well that wasn’t so hard, considering I was crying.”   
“I liked how you didn’t give a shit about anyone. I liked the fierceness and the way you talked. But it also made me furious. How can you be like that? I didn’t dare, so I sort of envied you. So my immediate reaction was to argue with you, well and we all know how that ended up.” He says with a soft smile.  
That makes me smile a bit. I was crying and so freaking emotional, but apparently Zayn saw it as fierceness. Although it was also a mask to hide my insecurities, I’ve finally accepted me for who I am. I won’t change for anyone.  
“So are all your friends Muslims?”  
“Most of them, but I also have some non-Muslim friends. Almost all of my friends are older than me. The thing is I never feel myself when I’m at school. Not just because I’m the only Muslim, but also partly because of the way they act I guess.”  
“How have you met most of your friends?”  
“I’ve met most of my friends through family, the mosque and my neighborhood.”  
“The mosque? Are you going there?” I ask surprised.  
“Yeah, I sometimes go to the mosque and pray to Allah. Don’t look at me like that.”   
“Like what?” I immediately ask. I knew Zayn was Pakistani and Muslim, but somehow I didn’t real believe he was like a practicing Muslim. He looks so, unreligious. He looks too much like a rebel. He is too hot and dangerous, but I know that doesn’t make any sense.  
“I’m not some old strict man. I’m a Muslim of my generation. I sometimes drink and party with my friends and I just live like every teenager, but I do see myself as a devoted Muslim.”  
“I’m glad you’re not a strict old Muslim.” I say with a pleased look.  
“Why?” He teases.   
I move closer to his face and when I’m almost touching his ear I whisper. “Because the things I want to do to you are not quite appropriate.”   
Zayn gulps as he looks at me with wide eyes.  
I can’t hold back my grin that appears on my face. I love that I can make him feel like this, but I shouldn’t be so easily distracted myself! Zayn is practically telling his life story and here I am seducing him! I am so not religious, I think to myself with a chuckle.  
“Before I can’t contain myself anymore, “ I start. “You said you always feel like an outsider, but what about when you are with your friends?”  
“I also feel like an outsider with my friends. I can only partly be myself around them.”   
I’m unpleasant surprised by his answer. He says it so blase, but I can see that it hurts him. Why can’t he be himself around them? I don’t even want to imagine that I can’t be me around my friends.   
“Why?”   
He inhales a sharp breath. “Because I’m gay.”   
“Do they have a problem with that?” I ask with a frown. I’m not stupid, I know a lot of people still have issues with homosexuality. I’ve experienced it myself when people called me names or threatened to hurt me. I’m no expert on Muslims, but I do think religious people overall have more problems with it.  
He chuckles bitterly. “No, as long as I don’t act on it.”   
“What?”   
“Well some of them know I’m gay. I’ve never said it in so many words, but they know. But in our culture we don’t speak about it.”  
“What about your family?” I ask….   
“I’ve never talked about it with my family, but I do believe my parents and sisters have suspicions.”   
“Why? Have they seen you jerk off to gay porn?” I say teasingly, trying to ease the mood.  
“No.” He says bitter.   
“I’m sorry okay? I was just trying to make you laugh, please just tell me.”   
“I think they know because I never talk about girls and it’s just a feeling I have. But like I said we don’t talk about it in our culture.”   
“What do you mean you don’t talk about it?”   
“My family, from my father’s side, is pretty conservative. My parents are different you know? I can just live life like most boys of my ages. But being homosexual? It’s like it doesn’t exist in the Muslim world. It’s either you choose to be an open homosexual or you choose for your family.”   
“What? That’s outrageous!” I say with anger in my voice. I’ve tried to just ask and listen to Zayn, but I really can’t do that anymore. This makes me so angry.   
I look up at Zayn and he sighs deeply. “You don’t understand.”  
“Why?” I accuse him.   
“Because you are not a Muslim.” He doesn’t say it in accusing way, more like he is explaining something.  
I’m totally flabbergasted. Okay I was very lucky when I came out as gay. The people I really cared about supported me, but still. He can’t accept this right? Why should he have to choose? That is just ridiculous!   
“But I don’t understand.” I say confused. “You even kissed me in front of the whole class.”   
I try to keep the conversation flowing, although I’m not quite sure why. Zayn seems really tense and irritated and I can barely talk without raising my voice.   
“That’s different. They don’t have anything to do with my private life.”   
“So what about me?” I ask and I hate how my voice sounds so broken, so small.   
“I don’t know.” Zayn says truthfully.   
I’m extremely overwhelmed by this conversation. It started pretty nonchalant, but it’s now a heavy and emotional conversation. I don’t even want this talk. I’m already having my own doubts about telling my friends. Well actually mostly about Hazza. How can I ever tell him this? I just promised that things will be as they used to be and now I have to tell him about Zayn? And what for? Zayn isn’t even ‘really’ out to his friends and family.   
“I’m going home.” I say cranky and somehow utterly exhausted. I know I still have a couple of hours at school, but I really don’t want to think about that right now. I need my weekend, I need my Hazza.   
Zayn nods. “I’m really sorry Louis, I like you so much. I’ll text you soon okay?”   
I really don’t know how to react, so I just shrug.   
He quickly gives me a kiss on my cheek and walks away. I stand there completely stunned. Why do I still want him when everything is so complicated?

\-----------------

Once I’m at home things start to escalate. First my brother whines at me for attention and then my father comes in with a troubled look. He sees me fighting with my little brother and automatically chooses Tom’s side. It makes me so freaking angry!  
I stamp towards the refrigerator, take a drink and slam the door shut.   
“Well, well. What did the refrigerator do to you?” My father asks me with a disappointed look.   
I really can’t take this right now! I’m in love with a Muslim boy, who is still in the closet and I’m lying to me best friend, my other friend is in jail and my mother still looks sick as hell! Fuck this shit.  
“Can’t you mind your own business?” I ask him through gritted teeth.  
“Don’t use that tone with me!” He says strict, voice already raised.  
“I’m going to Hazza.” I say pissed off, ignoring his previous ‘request’.   
“Oh no.” My father shakes his head.   
I hate it when he does that! I’m so angry and I’m so confused, I just need my Hazza. He is the only one who can make me feel better.   
“Not until you apologize.”   
I roll my eyes. Why should I apologize? He is just as aggressive! But apparently that is the fucking rule. Parents get to do whatever they want and children just have to obey. Since I really need to go to Hazza I just have to take my pride and hold my anger. “Fine. I’m sorry.” I grumble.   
He nods and without saying anything, I quickly walk out of the house and go to Hazza.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know how I feel about this chapter...  
> It's a bit boring maybe? Well I think that it was important for the story, but I didn't think it would be so long xd   
> I wanted to write more in this chapter (Louis with Hazza) but that will be in the next chapter!
> 
> Still hope you enjoy it though! And I would really appreciate it if you would leave comments (also feedback) and kudos. They keep me motivated.  
> Thank for the people that already left comments and kudos =)


	15. Lovers

“Gem and Anne just practically forced me to sit down with them and chat.” I say as I open the door of Hazza’s room.   
Hazza immediately looks up. “Oh you know how they are, they all want you.” He says with a casual smile as he walks over to me. He takes me into one of his famous hugs. “But I’m the only one who can.” He says satisfied.   
“Well, I have to say that your sister looked very good today.” I say teasingly.  
Hazza holds me even tighter. “Don’t you even think about it, I need you.”   
I smile into his embrace. He needs me, just as much as I need him.  
“I need you too.”   
“Good.” He says as he lets me go and falls down on his beanbag.  
“Were you studying?” His desk is full of books. Seeing this, it once again reminds me I really need to study. But I always have an excuse and right now I just really can’t. I’m too busy in my head to study.   
“Yeah.”   
“Oh do you want me to come back another time?” I really don’t want to leave, but Hazza is always there for me. I can’t always expect Hazza to change his plans for me.  
“No, you sit. I can tell something is bothering you.”   
How can he tell? Well that’s a stupid question. It’s probably written all over my face. And Hazza always knows these things. Especially when I’m sad or confused.  
I sit down next to Hazza and close the distance as I lay my head on his shoulder. I press the rest of my body against his body. This feels so good. Just sitting next to Hazza has a calming effect on me. Just to feel his body, his presence.   
“It’s just… I have a lot on my mind.”   
With his long fingers he combs through my hair. My shoulders immediately relax and I instantly close my eyes. “Hmmm.” I say content.  
“How’s your mum?”   
“Still not better. She is going to the doctor tomorrow.”   
“Okay that’s good I suppose.”   
“Yeah I guess. I just hope it’s nothing serious.” I sigh. I try not to worry about my mother too much, but that’s easier said than done. And I already don’t feel good after the painful conversation I had with Zayn, so suddenly everything seems too much. Everything doesn’t go as planned. Everything that is except with Hazza. Why can’t I just live in a cage with him? We’ll ignore the world around us and just be happy together. Just the two of us.   
“It’s probably nothing serious and even if it is, your mother is a fighter. You have that from your mother. No matter what stands in your way, you always keep fighting.”   
I smile at his sweet words. He always knows how to comfort me.  
“Can’t we just leave our lives and live in a cage? Together?” I practically whine.  
“A cage? Why not a beautiful castle?” He questions.  
I chuckle. “Okay, a castle is fine. As long as I’m together with you.”   
“Deal.” He smiles.  
“But you do know you have to clean everything?” I say seriously.   
“As long as you keep me company, I don’t mind.”   
Oh my, we are such saps. It’s not like we are always like this, a big part of it depends on my mood. When I’m emotional I tend to be more cuddly and needy. I’m always needy when I’m with Hazza, but we can also just watch a movie in silence, talk about the most stupid stuff or prank someone in the neighborhood. Right now I just need my Hazza and need to know that he will be there for me. And I want to show him how I will always be here for him.   
Hazza continues to massage my head and I just sit against him feeling okay. Really okay.   
“But before we go to our castle, I really want to go to Awakenings with you. Since I’ve arranged VIP tickets.”  
“Oh right, that’s in two weeks!”  
“Yeah and Bitch and Liam are going as well. It’s going to be amazing!” He says excitedly.   
“Okay good, I really miss them and I feel so guilty f-”  
“Shush, please don’t think about that right now. Just think about us in the castle.”  
“Okay.” I smile. “What should I think about exactly?”  
“Me cleaning in my French maid costume.” Hazza says jokingly.   
“OMG Hazza you are so full of crap!” I say between laughter.   
Hazza just chuckles into my ear.  
After a while of laughter I ask. “How are you? I feel like we barely talk about you.” I needed him to comfort me and I know he likes to do that. Hazza is so wonderful and selfless, he would be happy to just listen to me all day. But I want to know about him, about his life. Not because I’m obligated as a friend, but because I’m interested in him.   
Although I still see him almost every day it is different now that he is in college and I’m still in high school.  
“Oh it’s okay.” He shrugs.   
“Tell me more. How’s college? Have you made any friends?”   
“College is really good. I’ve met some really nice people, especially Michael. He is incredible, we do a lot together.”  
I frown at his words.  
He looks at me and a grin appears on his face. “Are you jealous?”   
“No.” I say moody. I am. I am jealous and I know it’s just ridiculous! First of all, he is just friends with that guy. I know he doesn’t like him and if he would, he would have told me. He would have, in contrast to me. I’m too pathetic and scared to tell him about Zayn. And secondly, it’s just absurd because I have no rights to be jealous. It’s not like Hazza belongs to me, he isn’t my property. Besides how can I be so possessive with my current ‘relationship’ or whatever it is? I don’t have the rights and it’s so unethical and wrong. But so me.   
I can’t even imagine Harry dating anyone. Seriously, just the thought makes me sick. Luckily for me he only had ‘flings’ and fooled around. He never had anything serious. I don’t even want to think about that, because I don’t want to share my Hazza. Yes, I know how pathetic I am.  
“Aww.” He nuzzles into my side and grabs my waist and pinches it.  
I yelp.   
“You don’t have to worry. I’m all yours.”   
I instantly relax at his words. Even though it’s really selfish of me, I’m so thankful that he thinks this way. At the same time it makes me anxious, because I can’t say the same. I want to be all his. I love Hazza with all my heart and I would do anything for him. I want to be with him forever, but there is still a part of me that craves for Zayn. A part that wants Zayn. And that scares me.   
“Just promise me, that no matter what happens, you’ll be here?” I ask quietly.  
Despite the fact that I can’t see his face, I can practically hear him frown. “Why?”   
“Just please promise me.”  
“Of course Lou. I love you so much and I’ll always be here for you.”  
And with that promise, I fall in a comfortable sleep.

\-----------------

After I spent the night at Hazza’s I felt so much better. My head was so much clearer and my body was more relaxed. I realized that I wasn’t fair to Zayn either. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for him.   
So after a while of pacing through my room I finally decided to text him. I said that I wasn’t completely fair and that I wanted to talk.   
And that’s how we ended up here, in my room. Although I’m still unsure and confused because of our talk that happened Friday, my mood became immediately better when I saw Zayn. Whenever I see him I can’t help but smile and get butterflies in my stomach.  
At the moment we sit down on my bed, Zayn starts to talk. “I’m so sorry for yesterday.”  
“For what exactly?” I ask, slightly curious, slightly nervous.  
He shrugs. “For everything I guess? I’m just really confused about all of this.”  
“Oh.” I say quietly. I knew we needed to have this conversation, but that doesn’t make it easier to hear him say that he is confused. Confused about us. It’s not like I don’t have doubts about all of this, I just really wish it was different. That he wasn’t confused.   
“Louis.” He says and he looks at me, yet again with one of his intense looks. “I want to be with you.”  
My heartbeat stops for a short moment and inwardly I feel warm and feel myself smile. Those words, those words are the words I wanted to hear. I love to hear them. I want him to repeat those words and whisper them in my ear.   
“I don’t know how to handle all of this, but I do know I want to be with you.” Zayn looks determined.   
When he talked about his friends and how they don’t accept/recognize gay people it made me so furious and sick. How can you be friends with people who you can’t be yourself with? And it made me so incredible sad, because it gave me another reason why I shouldn’t even bother with Zayn. But hearing him say those words, with his expression on his stunningly beautiful face, I know I want this. I feel the same way.   
“I want to be with you too.” I say softly as I look into his eyes.   
His eyes shine when I make my confession.   
“Great.” A wide smile appears on his face and he takes my hand and intertwines it with his.   
I gently stroke his thumb, wanting to feel him and show him that yes I want to be with you.   
A whole load of stress falls from my shoulders. He wants to be with me, he wants me as much as I want him.  
But I still have this nagging feeling, I feel that this is far from okay. There are just so many things wrong about this. Those thoughts make me gloomy and unsure of my choice. Is this really a good choice? Do I want a relationship with a boy who probably can’t come out to his friends and family? And what about my own friends? How will they react if I tell them? I’m almost positive that they will all be supportive, at most a little surprised. But what about Hazza? Can I do this to Hazza? It’s not like I’m in a relationship with Hazza, so technically there is nothing wrong with this. But why do I still feel guilty towards Hazza? Why do I still think about him and imagine his troubled expression? I don’t know how to do all of this.  
“Stop thinking.” Zayn says gentle.  
I blink and look up at him. And in that moment I know why I’m doing all this, why I’m making this incredible, silly and stupid decision. Because I like Zayn. It’s that simple.  
“We better not think about all the difficulties, but focus on the fun.” He says with a soft smile.  
And I couldn’t agree more, so I press my lips at his. He grabs my neck and pulls me closer to him.   
After a while of exploring each other’s mouth I want more. I take him by his shoulders and slowly push him downward. Zayn gets my drift and lies down on the bed as I climb on top of him. I kiss him again as I move my body along with his. We start to feel each other’s body. I explore his whole body, from his amazing jaw line to his slender thighs. When I softly touch his inner thigh Zayn’s mouth falls slightly open and a soft groan escapes his lips. I've never seen him look more beautiful. I keep touching his body as my lips move towards his neck. I slightly lick a soft spot on his neck and suck on it. I can hear his breathing going faster, as well as mine.   
“Fuck.” Zayn says breathless after a while of touching and feeling.   
I chuckle at his choice of word as I catch my breath. That is the Zayn I know, the Zayn that scolds just like me. Zayn slightly scoops over so I can lie down next to him, instead of on him. Apparently our little make-out session is over. I’m slightly upset because I liked the warmth of his body against mine.   
But fuck indeed. This whole situation is messed up, but so intense. Just the intensity of our kisses and touches are making me insane. When Zayn kisses me it makes me tingle and burn from the inside. It feels so much better than with any other person I’ve experienced this with. Well except with Hazza. When Zayn kisses me it feels so thrilling and passionate, but still gentle and warm. And when Hazza kisses me I feel so loved, so incredible good and I feel goose bumps erupt all over my body.   
I probably love those kisses both because for both boys I feel love. But my love for Hazza is different. It’s so special, but like in a special friendship kind of way, right?   
Isn’t it strange that I’m thinking of Hazza right now? While I’m in my bed alongside Zayn?   
At the same time I’m always thinking about Zayn at the most inappropriate times. I’m so fucked up. I fail to understand myself and my actions of self-destruction. If only I were smarter, I probably knew how to fix this.  
I’m so stupid and this is such a stupid idea. This is so wrong on so many levels. But if it’s wrong in every possible way, why does it feel so good?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since it's my birthday I wanted to upload a new chapter!
> 
> I hope you like this chapter and I'll really appreciate it if you take the time to comment or leave kudos on my story.


	16. Preparing a birthday party

I slowly wake up from a pleasant dream. I don’t have school today, don’t hear my father yell at me and don’t see my little brother whining at my bed for attention. I feel that this is going to be a good day.  
Besides, after my time with Hazza and my talk with Zayn I feel like smiling again. Of course there are still a lot of things that worry me, but at least for now everything is okay, more than okay, between Hazza and me and Zayn and me. I know that things won’t be easy, but at the moment I don’t want to think about that.  
I asked Hazza about Nialler, who is still in jail. He has a hearing soon and then they will decide what will happen with him. He has been in jail for almost a month and this so called good friend hasn’t even visited him! I really want to visit him, but it never works out. To be completely honest, my mind is everywhere except with Nialler or Liam and Bitch. Luckily I’ll see Liam and Bitch soon because we’re going to Awakenings. And I want to make a promise to myself that I’ll visit Niall before the party. But for now I have to accept that I’m not thinking about them because I have other things on my mind.   
First I need to prepare Thomas’ birthday party. Tom will be five years old and to celebrate that he wants a small party for his friends at our home. I need to write invitations, arrange a clown (Thomas really wants a clown), drinks, sweets, little presents for the guests and more stuff like that.   
Normally I would definitely not look forward for something like this, but I really want to do this for my mother (and even a little for my brother). Mum still doesn’t feel good enough to prepare the party, so I suggested doing it. Yesterday, my mum went to the doctor and they took all kinds of tests. The doctor thought it might be a virus, but since she’s been ill for such a long time it could be something worse. We’ll have the results within 2 weeks. Then we will finally know why my mother is so tired and sick all the time. As much as I’m dreading the moment, I also really just want to know what is going on. This waiting around, not knowing what she has, that is killing me.  
Beside the fact that I want to organize the party for my mother, it might have also helped that my parents agreed to let me go to Awakenings. Although I think Hazza had the most influence on that. He convinced them with his words ‘I arranged VIP-tickets and Louis really deserves it’. Internally I was chuckling when my parents agreed. Even they can’t resist his charms.  
On top of everything I don’t mind organizing this party because of one person: Zayn. Zayn is going to help me this afternoon. So it wouldn’t be that bad. It totally wouldn’t. 

\-----------------

“Mum, do you need anything?”  
“No thanks dear.” My mum says from her place on the couch.   
“Okay.” I smile at her. She doesn’t look good. She looks extremely tired and she doesn’t have her usual bright appearance, she looks flat.   
“Do you need some help with the birthday?”  
I shake thoroughly. “No you need to rest and besides I’ll get help.”  
“Oh great, Hazza is such a sweetheart. Even though he is so busy he still decides to help you.”   
To be honest I haven’t even asked Hazza. I know that if I did he would immediately help me. He is always there for me. But I know he has exams to study for, so I want him to focus on himself and not on me. Aside from that, I’m just really looking forward to spending some time with Zayn.   
“No mum.” I say with doubt in my voice. It’s now or never. I really need to tell someone because holding this a secret (although especially for Hazza) is killing me. Maybe if I tell my mother about my relationship with Zayn I feel less guilty? I might feel better, but how will she react?   
“Hazza won’t be helping me. Zayn will.” I hold my breath and fiddle with my fingers as I await her answer.   
“Oh.” She says nonchalant. “Zayn, the boy you did that project with?”   
I nod nervously, my body is a block of nerves.   
“That’s nice of him. I didn’t know you were actually friends.” She takes her glass of water and takes a sip.  
I feel anxiety building up. Come on Louis Tomlinson, just tell her the truth. If you ever want to tell other people, you sure as hell should be able to tell it to your mum. I take a deep breath. “We’re not friends. Zayn is my boyfriend.”  
She spits her water out and her eyes seem twice as big.   
After a while, of what looks like complete shock, she looks at me. She seems pleasantly surprised. “I’m happy for you Lou, he is a nice boy.” My mum smiles at me. “I’m just a little surprised, that’s all.”   
I nod. I can totally understand that she is surprised, everyone that knows about us is completely shocked. That includes me.   
I know my mum isn’t shocked because it’s a guy, but because it’s Zayn. The guy I had so much problems with. We have even beaten each other up! I hated him with all my heart and a part of me still does. But somehow that hate (which I would rather call extreme irritation) makes me crave for him even more. It’s enticing in a weird way. I love to hate him. And I hate that I love him.   
“Thank you mum.” I say and with slightly more confidence I walk away. That wasn’t so hard. Mum took it very well…   
I don’t even want to think about how Hazza will respond.

\-----------------

“Why pay for a clown if we can do it ourselves?”   
I laugh. “We? Clowns? We don’t even know what to do!”  
He shrugs. “How hard can it be? I’ve always been a little weird and if we buy balloons we can make all kinds of figures. It would be totally awesome!”  
I am amazed by his enthusiasm. When he offered to help me, I just thought that he would help me with planning everything. Apparently he even wants to help me at the party, and not only that, he even wants us to be the clowns! He is so weird!  
“Are you good at making figures with balloons? Because I’m terrible at anything related to crafts and stuff.”   
“Well, people tell me I’m kind of good at artsy things.”   
“Oh yeah?” I smile.   
“Yeah.”  
“I didn’t know.” I say, still with that stupid smile plastered on my face.   
I just always figured that Zayn was this angry, mysterious guy, but this is completely different. He is completely different. I love how enthusiastic he can be about a freaking birthday party! Apparently I don’t know him that well. Actually, I know so little about him.  
“Okay if you insist. But since you are so into this and all, you will do most of the work, okay?” I say teasingly.   
He nods. “Okay.”   
Does he seriously don’t even argue about that? He just agreed? What is happening to this world!   
“You’re pretty sweet.” I say sincere and with probably too much fond that a person should have for such a ridiculous reason.  
“Oh yes, I’m very sweet. You have no idea.” He grins.  
“Oh yeah? Tell me…” I say seductively.  
He slightly turns around, grabs my shoulders and looks me straight in the eyes. He bites his under lip and his eyes seem slightly darker.   
I want to look away, but I can’t. You can’t look away when someone so beautiful looks at you as if you are pure sex. It’s breathtaking, it’s arousing, and it’s so inappropriate with my mother in the next room. But I really don’t care, my body longs for him.   
We kiss each other hotly and my hands automatically slide up and down his legs. My hands are reckless, going on their own account and inch by inch move towards his inner thigh, towards…  
“Lou!”   
I look up startled, break the contact and swiftly move away from Zayn.   
Zayn makes a weird groan as he moves away. “Hi Tom.” He sighs.   
“Lou, whos he?” Thomas asks me as he points to Zayn.  
“That’s Zayn. You’ve seen him before. He is helping me with your party.”   
“Oh great!” He suddenly says extremely excited. And with a small skip he walks away. It takes me by surprise. Normally Tom always demands attention, now he just walked away without me having to yell at him. I know it’s strange, but what is even weirder is that I was just making out with Zayn and here I am worrying about my little brother!   
I turn my attention back to Zayn, who is suddenly busy writing something on a notebook. I can’t read it, because when Tom unexpectedly showed up I moved at least a meter away from Zayn.   
“What are you writing?” I ask curiously as I try to look over his shoulder.  
“Wait.” He says curtly as he continues. He pauses for a short moment, eyebrows furrowed and then he writes again. He writes and he writes.  
“Here.” He says cheerfully.   
With excitement I grab the paper out of his hand and start to read it.   
I’m a little disappointed when I notice what it is. It’s not like I expected it to be love poem in which he describes his undying love for me. I really didn’t. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want that.  
It is none of that; it is an invitation for Tom’s birthday party. I have to admit that he has done a very good job.

\-----  
 _Hey friends,_

_It’s almost my birthday! Hooray! That’s why I’m giving a birthday party on Saturday (24th). So we can celebrate extra-long!  
I’m really looking forward to it. It’s going to be a great party, but it will be much more fun if you came too.   
We have all these fun things to do. There will be games, candy, music and even two clowns!  
We’re going to eat fries with snacks for dinner! So we don’t have to eat any vegetables  _

_Time: 3 till 8  
When: Friday the 24th   
Where: Luikstraat 42_

_Hopefully you can come! If you can’t, just call my mother!_

_Cheers, Tom_

_Ps. bring along dry clothes!_  
\-----

\-----------------

Today was simply put; amazing.   
Zayn and I came up with all these different ideas for the party and it even got me excited for it! We worked on the invitations and Zayn came with this crazy idea that we should be on it, dressed up as clowns. I was laughing so hard, until I saw his face. He honestly meant it, he was completely serious!   
So that’s how I ended up with an invitation on which we are dressed as clowns on the front.   
It actually looks really good. It’s laughable of course, but it’s also a very sweet picture of the two of us. Zayn’s eyes shine with happiness and his expression is very sweet. Almost every time that I’m looking into his eyes (or better said getting lost in his stunning eyes) I see a soft expression. But sometimes it’s exactly the opposite, sometimes his eyes look cold and hard. I thought I saw that hard expression for just a brief moment when Tom ‘interrupted’ us, but I can easily be wrong. When he is looking at Ms. Boonstra he does have this cold, evil glare in his eyes. Whenever we argue, he still has this lovely expression, but whenever we really fight he has the same expression. I don’t want to admit it, but it scares me. Luckily, we haven’t fought the whole day. That’s really an achievement from us.   
Overall it was just a very, very good day.  
I put away the invitation and call everyone for dinner (I have ordered Chinese food, that is the best I can do).   
As soon as my father comes in he says “Why Chinese food again?”  
“Mum is sick and I can’t cook, you know that right?” I ask, already slightly irritated. After such a perfect day, why does my father have to ruin that?  
“Yeah of course I know.”   
“And I ordered chicken especially for you.”   
“Yes chicken is good.” He says as he sits down with a sigh.  
My mother comes in next with a faint smile on her face. “I would like some chicken.” She says cheerfully.  
She surprises me, she is so strong. She doesn’t want to be sick.   
Thomas suddenly runs into the dinner room, with something in his hand. “Nooles!” He says excitedly.   
“Look!” Tom says and proudly gives his invitation for his birthday party to our father.   
“Oh what is this?” He smiles.  
“Louis made it!” Tom says with glistering eyes.   
“Did you?” Father asks questionably as he looks at the lay-out.   
I roll my eyes. Of course my father doesn’t believe that I made it. But to be fair, I really didn’t. It’s just so fucking frustrating that he doesn’t even believe I could do it.  
“Zayn made it.” I explain.  
“Zayn?”  
He probably doesn't even remember Zayn, he has only seem him once.  
“Yeah, this boy from my class…” I say vaguely.  
Without looking at my mother I can feel her eyes burrow into mine. Ugh, I know she wants me to tell it to him. Why not? It’s not like my father would mind, it’s not like he would really care.  
“Yeah Zayn. He is my boyfriend.”  
“I don’t understand.” He says confused.  
Huh? I don’t know how to react to this. I’ve came out to my parents more than a year ago. My father was completely fine with it and that was one of the best moments I had with him. Just to see him react so normal made me feel so relieved. He is still my father after all; he is still the one I looked up at as a kid.  
“Why?” I say, already in defense mode.  
“Aren’t you dating Harry?”  
Ouch. That hurts. That really hurts. How can he subconsciously make me feel even guiltier? Dammit!  
“No dear. Hazza isn't his boyfriend, he is his best friend.” My mother explains for me. I feel thankful for her help, but that doesn't make the knot in my stomach go away. I fucking hate this!  
Father still has a frown on his face. “But you always kiss him a-“  
“STOP!” I scream and slam my hands on the table.  
I furiously walk to my room and slam the door shut. I scream out loud and kick my bed. I really want to punch my father. Why does he have to make me feel like this? Why does he have to ask these questions? I don’t want to think about this, I don’t need this now.  
My heartbeat is incredible fast, it feels like it is stuck in my throat.   
I pace back and forth in my room until my anger slowly fades away. The only feeling that is left is guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like this, I would really love it if you would leave comments or kudos. That keeps me motivated to write and shows me that people like my story!
> 
> Well anyway, hope you enjoyed and till the next time!


	17. Nialler

“Hi, I'm here for Nialler.”   
The police woman, or whatever she is, looks at me with a puzzled look which soon turns into an annoyed expression. The look on her face says ‘I have better things to do’, but before she can say something I restore myself. “Sorry I mean Niall Horan. He should be in here.”   
The woman nods. “Yeah that’s right.” And without further ado she walks away.  
I quickly walk after her, from one hall to another. I curiously look around. It doesn’t look as bad as it does in the movies, but it definitely would not win the price for best looking or comfy place.  
The woman abruptly stops, which almost makes me run into her. “Sorry.” I mumble.   
She opens a door and says. “Sit here and wait for Niall. You have 30 minutes, no longer.”   
I nod. Normally I would never be polite to such a grumpy and vile woman, but I know that this isn’t the person or the place to open my big mouth once again. Yeah, I did that before. Twice as a matter of fact, but once I was completely innocent!   
I walked with my group of ‘gabber’ friends and as usual people automatically assume the worst. They looked at us as if we were strange, scary creatures just because we were in a group and our appearance is different from the standards. We didn’t do anything, but because everyone was watching us with a careful, slightly scared eye, the policeman noticed this. He came to us and fucking asked us. “What do you guys think you are doing?”   
I was just so incredibly pissed off! We were just walking in the city and because of some judgmental people we were seen as the bad guys. Of course I couldn’t shut my mouth and with an irritated tone I said “What does it look like?” And so it began and I was arrested for aggressive behavior.   
That happened once more, but that time I wasn't completely innocent. I had taken an XTC pill and I felt so freaking amazing. Even when we left the party and me and my group of friends walked towards the car, I still felt the XTC running through my body. Everything felt so intense and I was so energetic. I felt like I could do anything and I was even clingier than usual. I grabbed Hazza for dear life and started to kiss him all over. To be honest, I wasn't just kissing him I was practically groping him. I pushed him against a brick wall and started to grind myself up against him as I stroked his dick. My heart rate increased heavily by the XTC along with the excitement of our bodies pressed together. I was in such a great mood, I was so horny and flushed and I felt Hazza hard against my hand and thigh. Until suddenly this nasty guy walked by and made a comment along the lines of ‘ugh that’s disgusting’. That awful comment made me so incredibly furious, much more than other times. I abruptly moved away from Hazza, ran after the guy and kicked him in his back. We were fighting until Hazza and some policeman had to break us up.  
After a minute or two the woman comes back along with Niall. He looks grumpy and tired, but does not seem unpleasantly surprised by my visit.  
“Hey.” He says as he sits down across me.  
“Hey.” I say back, feeling slightly uncomfortable in this unfamiliar environment. When I got arrested I had to go to the local police station, which is just a small place. This is different. This is jail, a fucking large prison with lots of criminals. It doesn’t only look different, it feels different. And the sad part is that Nialler is well-known with this place by now. He probably knows his room inside-out. I wonder what his room looks like. Is it like in the series? I hope not…  
“How are you?” What a fucking stupid question! As if he is going to say ‘it’s going exquisitely well’.  
He doesn’t look particularly cheerful, which is very logical, but still surprising for me. Nialler is always happy and energetic. Now he looks exhausted and even a bit sad.  
“It’s okay I guess. Let’s just say I’ve learned from this.”  
“Oh yeah?”  
“Yeah, I really need to be more careful next time.”  
“That’s such a Nialler answer.” I say with a laugh. The laughing makes my nerves go down a bit. This is typical Niall, no matter what happens he always keeps fighting and smiling. But if I understand correctly, he wants to keep going with dealing drugs. That is so stupid.  
“You really have to quit Nialler, with dealing. It’s way too dangerous.” I say in a whispered tone. “There are a lot of ways to earn money.”  
“I know.” He sighs. “But it was just easy you know?”  
“Well I wouldn't call this easy.” I say as I gesture to the place we are in right now.  
He chuckles. “Yeah that’s true. And I will be in here for at least another month and after that I’ll still be under surveillance.” His eyes turn sad and he sighs heavily. “I just really don’t know what do to.”  
“Aren’t there other things you want to do?” This question makes me think about Liam. Liam basically asked me the same question. I really didn’t have an idea about what I wanted to do nor do I have now. That makes you unsure and uncertain. So if I’m totally honest, I get that Nialler did this. He already knew a lot of people in the drugs circuit, thus for Nialler it seemed like an easy way to earn money.  
“Yeah some unrealistic crap, like being a professional race car driver or DJ.”  
“DJ doesn’t seem so unrealistic. If you work hard for it I think you can be an amazing Hardcore-DJ.” I smile encouragingly to him.  
“Thank Lou.” He smiles back. “I’m really glad that you came to visit. I fucking hate it here, it’s a disaster. I’ve never imagined that I would say this, but I really want to go home.”  
I didn’t except that either, especially because of his mother. His mother is an alcoholic and she had a postpartum depression after getting Niall. She blames her alcohol problem on Niall and cheerfully tells people how awful her son is. It’s disgusting and it makes me so incredible pissed off.  
His father on the other hand is a nice guy. He does care about Niall, but doesn’t know how to express this. Besides, he has his own company so he is always working on his business. All his energy goes into his company. Just thinking about all of this, I feel so sorry for Niall.  
“Are you okay?” I ask with sympathy. I have experienced some problems of my own and I know how important friends are when things don’t go well. “If there is anything I can do you just have to say it.”  
“Visit more often.”   
A blush of shame instantly forms on my cheeks. He’s been in here for so long and this is first time that I visit him. Lately I’m doing so many things that make me feel guilty. I’ve tried to suppress those feelings and just live my life, but now I am really trying to change that.   
“I’m sorry.” I say ashamed. “I’ve done a lot of stupid things lately. I’ve neglected you, but also the rest of our group.”  
He shrugs. “It’s okay, you probably have things on your mind. If I have problems, I am also selfish. Shit, I don’t mean it like that. It’s just that when you are too busy in your head you sometimes can’t take anything else.”  
“Exactly.” I say with a faint smile. “But what about you? You are always there for others!”  
“Well, I know I have a lot of shit at home, but mostly I’m just very happy. This is mainly due to my friends and my music. But right now, I don’t feel that great.” He says with an exhausted tone.  
“I understand.” I’m so tired of everything that is going on in my life, just imagine what Niall has to go through. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that is.  
“But I’ve got myself in this shit, so I have to accept it.”  
“Some very wise words there Nialler. Time in jail does wonders for you.” I say teasingly.  
Nialler laughs, he finally laughs again. “Lou is back.”

\-----------------

The next day after school I went to Nialler again. I could see that he really liked it. We had fun just talking and laughing about stupid stuff. That is our relationship, mostly fun and music.   
I had also brought him a gift. ‘WAUS!’ He had screamed loudly when I gave it to him, annoying people around him. I gave him my I-pod. I had put more than 500 songs on it. I filled the I-pod completely with Hardcore, Speedcore and Terror. Oh and as a joke I put the theme song of Sesame Street on it. He doesn’t know it yet. I can already imagine his face as he suddenly listens to that song, the sight alone makes me chuckle.   
He was so freaking happy with the gift and I felt so relieved. Besides his friends, music is the most important thing in his life. He didn’t understand how I could give him such a present. The truth is; I gave it to him because I felt guilty. I felt guilty for not visiting him sooner and neglecting him as friend.  
Plus, tomorrow is Awakenings. I knew how much he wanted to go. Although the music is kind of soft for Nialler’s taste, it is still one of the most amazing rave parties you could go to. It has everything from music, light shows till different kind of foods and of course a lot of drugs.   
After my visit I promised a few things to myself. From now one I’ll go visit Nialler at least once a week, I want to be there more for my other friends, especially Hazza and I also need to take care of my mother. Besides all of this I need (although it’s more about wanting it so badly) to spend enough time with Zayn outside of school. Besides the frequent bickering, it goes miraculously well between Zayn and I.  
We always sit together in class and at lunchtime and we basically ignore all the other students (or better said: children). That annoying Matt is suddenly good friends with Nick. Those two children are perfect for each other. Zayn doesn't hang out with Matt anymore, I believe that they haven’t even exchanged a single word to each other since ‘the necklace incident’. I’m glad, because I truly hate Matt, especially after what he tried to do with my necklace.  
Sometimes Zayn and I argue (quietly or so we try) about things like music or stupid stuff like food, but most of the time we just enjoy each other’s presence. I like his presence so much that I’m suddenly looking forward to school. I only like it so that I can be with Zayn and I certainly enjoy staring at him or touching and kissing him whenever there is a possibility. I play gently with his hands, sneakily move my hand to his thigh or give him kisses all over his face. Zayn doesn't like that and that’s another thing we argue about. He wants me to pay attention to class, to the teachers. I love it when he is so serious about school, because he has this serious expression on his face which I adore. He is like my own stern teacher, but a very hot one. At the same time I hate it when he wants me to be serious about school. He can’t expect me to be the same as him. I’m not made for school; I’m made for touching Zayn and Hazza, partying and sleeping. Yeah, that’s basically it. And besides I just made a promise to myself, so with everything that I want to do it’s not that strange that I spend so little time on school and homework right? Can I use that as a brilliant excuse?  
There are a couple of teachers, especially the older ones, who didn’t know about our relationship. With a dumbfounded look they stared at us as I try to steal little kisses. I feel Zayn’s body react when I kiss or touch him, but his expression stays the same. He tries to hide the obvious pleasure and that only makes it more fun for me to tease him. I know I have to be careful, because not everyone is open-minded about two students (especially two boys) kissing in class. Luckily, the only real reaction we got was from our mentor Ms. Boonstra. ‘What is this nonsense?’ she asked appalled. Of course there were a few kids, such as Nick fucking Grimshaw, who were as eager as ever to tell every single detail to her.   
Seriously, half of the school knows about us. More than half of the story is fake and seriously ridiculous, but Zayn and I don’t care. We have each other and that is all we need.   
To be honest, most of the time I find it very amusing how people are so interested in our relationship. That is, if I’m not worried that the news will spread and my friends will hear about it from someone. Luckily, as far as I know they still don’t know anything and I want to keep it like that. At least for now.   
I know it’s stupid and wrong to hide a relationship, but I’m not the only one who keeps this a secret. Just because I haven’t built up the courage to tell my friends doesn’t mean that I’m not serious about this. I’m so in love with Zayn. Yeah we argue a lot and our relationship might be a tad weird, but that is part of the appeal, part of our relationship.  
It’s touching, fighting, kissing, arguing, making out, laughing, secrets and talking. And that pretty much sums up our whole relationship. However, I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Even with the secrets, it’s so beautiful.


	18. Awakenings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally an update! I was really busy and somehow writing this chapter didn't go so easy =( but I do hope you like it, because I really tried making something of it.  
> Please leave kudos and comment! I really want to hear what you guys think and having more reads, kudos and comments makes me more eager/motivated to write.

“AWAKENINGS HERE WE COME!” Hazza and I scream in unison. With our arms hooked we skip past Liam and Bitch.  
“See you soon! BYE!” We yell hysterically, pumped with adrenaline. Because we have VIP-tickets we have a different entry. As a VIP-guest at Awakenings we have the best places in the areas, get each two free drinks, a T-shirt and a gift-bag! I’m so freaking excited! I’ll eagerly take everything I can get, except the great places. We always go with our group of friends and always try to stick together.  
Hazza and I stand in line to show our tickets. Seriously, a line for the VIP entrance? What’s VIP about that? And where is the champagne?  
As I look in front of us there is a couple licking each other’s faces off. It’s truly disgusting how they lick more like dogs than actual human beings. At the same time, I can totally understand it. If you like someone so much, you just want to touch and kiss that person whenever you can.  
My mind automatically drifts off to Zayn. I really, really like Zayn. So much that I want to lick his face just as much as the couple in front of me. And maybe I want to lick even more than his face. I want to be with him and I want to stay with him.  
I look over at my right and I sigh. Hazza smiles at me, his widest smile which is only reserved for me. He leans down to give a kiss on my temple. My lovely Haz arranged VIP-tickets for Awakenings and here I am thinking of Zayn! I need to stop this, I need to do something about all of this.  
My father basically accused me of having two relationships (okay he didn't actually say those exact words, but that is how he made me feel). I already blamed myself for this mess and he only made it harder for me. I blame myself because I also have questions, just like my father did. I was probably so furious because I understood him.  
I know that Zayn is still suspicious about me and Hazza and he doesn’t even know how Hazza and I really interact with each other. Zayn doesn’t know how Hazza and I touch each other. If he knew, he would probably freak out. And just like my father he would think that I am in a relationship with Hazza. But am I in a relationship with him? We might act like we do, but we are not. Right? I’m so confused about all of this, but I do know how I feel about Zayn and about Hazza.  
I know I’m in love with Zayn and that I want to be with him. He makes me feel so alive and good. I am in love with him and I long for him. I can’t truly describe how me makes me feel, but most of the times it’s just so amazing. It’s such an amazing feeling.  
But at the same time there is Hazza. I know the way I interact with Hazza isn’t quite normal for other people. People don’t understand how we can act and be around each other and just be friends. But they don’t get that Harry isn’t just a friend for me. Like I said before, he is truly my everything. I can’t live without him. I don’t think that I’m in love with Hazza, because I’ve already been there. I might be still in love with Hazza, but it is more than that. It’s another, a deeper, level of love.  
Hazza and I never wanted to define what we were for each other. It’s something special, but it is something between us. We didn’t have to give our relationship a name, it was what it was. Maybe it was strange for others, but it was what Hazza and I both wanted and needed. I never bothered giving it a name since then, because it didn’t matter. I didn’t have to explain my actions because I didn’t have someone to explain it to. Now that I have, I owe it to myself, Hazza and Zayn to be honest. First of all I need to talk to Hazza. I’m not going to tell Hazza about Zayn, I just need to know where he stands and what he wants.  
And also what do I want? To be completely honest I don’t know. I’m dreading to talk to Hazza about it. I know it won’t be easy and I know things will change after that and I don’t think I’m ready for change.  
Without noticing, we suddenly stand at the end of the line. Hazza gives our tickets and we go inside. I don’t want things to change, I don’t even want to think about what’s going to happen. I’m scared, because somehow I feel like I’m going to lose something or someone.  
I can’t think about that right now. I can’t be consumed by the fear of change and the fear of honesty. Right now is the time to enjoy. To forget. Just like I usually do.  
“Awakenings is the most amazing party of the year. We are going to have so much fun! PARTY TILL WE’RE DEATH!” I scream the last words as loudly as possible.

\-----------------

“BITCH! LIAM! OVER HERE!” I wave my arm until they see me. They walk towards us with beers in their hands.  
As they give all of us a beer we take our cups. “Cheers!” We scream as we bump our plastic cups together.  
I don’t think it will take that much effort to forget my problems. The music with the loud bass is already overwhelming me and the most amazing DJ’s haven’t even performed yet! The best DJ’s from all across the world will come tonight. Although my favorite DJ of all time, Endymion, won’t be here tonight, I’m still so excited.  
Bitch is mostly excited about Tieum. He is a France DJ and Bitch is absolutely fond of him (oh yeah and of his music).  
“Ready for Tieum?” I practically scream in her ear.  
She nods thoroughly and she screams above the music. “I brought my good camera and Hazza will take the picture. Since some people can’t even take a decent picture.” She says it with so much anger and through gritted teeth as she points at Liam.  
I laugh as I recall that moment. It was over a year ago. The five of us were at a considerable small rave party in which Tieum would spin. I had never seen Bitch so extremely excited. She was so high on excitement that she didn’t even want some XTC or other stuff. We were all in a great mood. It was such a fun party with great people.  
When Tieum arrived for his set Bitch yelled from the top of her lungs. I knew girls could scream loud and I knew that for a boy I could scream loud too, but this, I have never heard. She tried to be as close to him as possible, squeezing herself through the crowd and danced liked a maniac on crack. It was hilarious to see her like that.  
When Tieum almost ended his set Bitch came back to us and said that she wanted to take a picture with him. She tried to drag me along, but I was too fucking wasted to move. So she forced Liam to come with her. As Tieum ended his set, Bitch immediately walked over to him with Liam behind her. Liam could barely walk and stumbled behind her. He had taken 2 pills, a joint and he had drunk I don’t know how many mixed drinks.  
Nialler, Hazza and I laughed at the sight in front of us. We couldn’t hear what they were saying, but just from the looks we could guess the conversation.  
Bitch basically forced Tieum for a photo, pressing her phone almost in his face. He agreed and with the brightest smile I have ever seen she gave Liam her phone to take a picture. But the thing was, Liam was so fucking strunk that he couldn’t make a good picture. He tried to make a picture, but his hands were shaking. After he had taken the picture he gave a thumbs up and Bitch was smiling from ear to ear.  
Bitch squealed happily and jumped up and down as she walked over to us. She proudly wanted to show us her picture, but the expression on her face changed into a mix of incredible sadness and fury when she looked at the picture herself. The picture was shaky and blurry. She was so incredible pissed at Liam for taking such a bad photo. She yelled at poor Liam, who didn't even really knew what was going on.  
That is Bitch. She is a very loyal and intelligent friend, but she can be really nasty about some stuff. The day after Liam apologized and that was the end of it. It was all good after that, but I still think it’s an hilarious story.  
“Ha, I think that’s a great idea. You know you can trust Hazza with anything.” I smile up at him, feeling immense proud of him and being with him. Not with him like I’m with Zayn, but just being with him. Fuck. I really need to work my shit out.  
“Hey! I can be trusted!” Liam says fake outraged.  
Bitch rolls her eyes. “Yeah when you are sober.”  
We all agree with laughter, but something is missing.  
“I wish Nialler was with us. He always brings a party to the next level.” Liam says with sadness in his voice.  
“Yeah, let’s drink on Nialler!” Hazza proposes as he raises his cup.  
“Nialler has his own party.” I say with a soft smile, thinking about Nialler.  
All three of them look at me quizzically.  
“I gave him my I-pod and put over 500 songs of music on it.” I explain.  
Hazza’s eyes shine in the lights as he looks at me. He leans forward and gives me a kiss on the cheek. “You are so sweet Lou.” My cheek glows from his affection. As if his love goes right through me. Hazza and me. That’s for sure. That will never go away.  
“We will always be together!” I cling myself firmly against his body and pamper his face with little kisses. Okay, this might not be the best plan while I’m figuring everything out, but right now I don’t care. I need my Hazza.  
He grins at me and shakes his head with a chuckle. I know what he is thinking at this moment. ‘You are crazy, but I love you so much.’ And I love him so much.

\-----------------

As Tieum is being introduced the whole area goes wild. Everyone is screaming, shouting and grunting. It’s so funny to witness.  
“HOLLAND ARE YOU READY TO PARTY?” He screams.  
Bitch is right beside me and she screams from the top of her lungs. Her eyes twinkle and although he hasn’t even started the music she is already jumping.  
People dance with their arms in the air, they jump, they look like they have a seizure and people are hakken. Hakken is something you learn in a heartbeat. It’s actually very easy, especially if you listen to the right kind of music. Like Tieum. You just feel the beat, you feel the bass and your body automatically moves along with it.  
The fun part about Hakken is that it doesn’t involve other people. It’s just you and the music. It’s the bass and the beat. You in a trance, because you really are in a trance when you dance on the bass. You can just focus on the music and forget everything around you. That is probably why I love it so much. I’m always thinking about so many things and this way I can easily forget. It’s like an outlet. It gives me so much energy.  
I think Hazza and Bitch mostly enjoy it so they can dance like idiots without people judging how they look like. Liam is more like me in that way. He also thinks too much about stuff and his outlet is partying or going to the gym.  
I dance with my friends and happiness surrounds me.

\-----------------

It’s six o’clock and I cannot feel my legs anymore. I am tired, completely drained from all the dancing. I look to my right and see Hazza sipping his beer as he nods his head along with the music. If you know Hazza like I know, you know he is tired. When he is excited, especially for such a party as this, he can’t stop moving. He has such a weird way of dancing, it’s so funny but lovely. But when he can’t actually dance anymore, but doesn’t want to stop he just moves his head. It looks even sillier than his dance moves.  
I look just a little further and see Bitch and Liam jumping up and down with big smiles on their faces. They are still as active as they were a few hours ago. Which mean they must have used something. At every party they have a ‘valid’ reason like ‘I had a busy week’, ‘this is such a special party’. I really don’t care if they take something, it’s their choice. They have more fun with it. Normally I don’t need it and I enjoy it without something, but sometimes I really do crave for it. Just like Hazza. Just a few hours ago he practically begged me to take something. And I know it’s just so that he can take something. I told him no and after a few pleads and pouts that was the end of it. I know Hazza and he doesn’t want me to be the only one who is clean. So he didn’t take anything himself. Seriously, he would absolutely do anything for me. And I would do it for him. No matter what he asks of me, I would always do it. ‘If he jumps, I jump’. That’s it and we know it.  
With an exhausted sigh I lay my head down on Hazza’s shoulder and whine. “I’m exhausted."  
He turns around and holds my waist as I now reposition myself until my head falls against his chest. “Me too.” He says.  
I look up at him and smile. “But the party was amazing!”  
“It was, wasn’t it?” He grins.  
“Thank you Haz.” I say and I’m not only saying it for this party, but for everything he does for me. He is my rock and I don’t know what I would do without him.  
‘Shall we go home? I really don’t have any energy left.” Obviously, home means Hazza’s house.  
“Yeah you sure?”  
I nod. “Yeah I should be home in time for the children’s party.”  
“Oh, you give a children’s party? In honor of what?”  
“Jerk!” I say as I smack his chest. “You haven’t forgotten!”  
“Of course not.” He says with a smirk. “I’ll go get Bitch and Liam or at least I’ll try.”  
“Thank you! Oh my dear Harold!” I say dramatically. “What should I do without you?”  
“Oh my dear Louis, you absolutely can’t live without me!” He grins at me and he walks to Liam and Bitch.  
He doesn’t even realize what he just said. It’s absolutely terrifying, because it’s true. I can’t live without him. But what will happen if we have ‘the talk’ and more importantly what will happen if I tell about Zayn?  
I can’t talk to him right now, now is not the time. I don’t want to break this amazing moment, this amazing night. I will talk to him later. Preferably never.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hakken is a Dutch word, I explained it before.  
> I don't know if the right term for a combination of drugs and alcohol is Strunk, but it sounds fantastic lol.  
> And lastly: Awakenings is a real party, but it is actually a Techno party (but just pretend for this story that it is a Hardcore party, the music kind :P)


	19. Birthday Party

I run towards my home as quickly as I can. Luckily, Hazza’s house isn’t that far so I think I will manage without dying. At most I will be gasping for air.  
When I woke up in Hazza’s arms he was already half awake. I felt so exhausted and I still felt the beat pumping through my head. Even though I knew that I would see Zayn in a couple hours, it still didn’t make me excited. I just wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to do the party and dress up like a fucking clown! And that’s when it hit me. My mother. I quickly searched for my phone in my backpack, my jeans and I searched on and around the bed. Friday afternoon she had an appointment with the doctor and she would finally hear the results. I went straight to Hazza after school, but she would call me if she heard the news. I completely forgot about it and apparently I also forgot my phone. Hazza tried to comfort me as I freaked out about my mother. He soothed me as he rubbed my back and he said that if it was something really bad that she would have called him or his mum. I relaxed under his touch and to calm myself I agreed, but I still went home as quickly as I could. 

I finally arrive home, completely out of breath. I step inside the house and my little brother practically jumps on top of me.  
“Party, party!” He yells.  
Normally, especially after just a couple hours of sleep, I would be so irritated, but right now I can only smile. He is just excited about his birthday party and I don’t want to ruin that.  
“Yes! We are going to have a lot of fun soon.”  
His eyes shine happily and I quickly ruffle his hair affectionately and walk past Tom to the living room. “Shit. I’m so sorry mum.” I say as I barge into the room.  
My mother is reading a magazine on the couch while my father is watching television. It looks completely normal, nothing unusual, but is it?  
She looks up. “Hey.”  
“I totally forgot about your appointment! And I forgot my phone, dammit! But Hazza said that if it w-” I ramble until she cuts me of.  
“It’s okay dear, did you have fun?”  
I nod. “So what happened? Did you have the results?” What if she has something really bad? What if-  
“They still don’t know what it is.” My father begins, eyes drifting away from the television and he looks at me. “She tested negative for a lot of things, but they think it might be a virus.”  
I sit down next to my mother and take her hand in mine. She looks completely drained, I don’t have another word for this. I feel so sorry for her. She is just like me, she hates it if she can’t do a lot of stuff. She hates being sick.  
“So what does that mean?” I ask them.  
“They have given her antibiotics and we have to wait another two weeks to know if that will work. And if that won’t work she has to do more tests.”  
“But can they just give antibiotics without even knowing what you have?” I ask confused. I feel sort of relieved that, at least for now, it isn’t something bad. But it is still so frustrated that we don’t even know what she has.  
“Apparently.” My father says with an exhausted sigh. I always feel like things don’t really effect or bother him, but as I look at him right now I can see the tiredness in his face. It’s just a fucking frustrating situation.  
“Hey.” My mum says and she lays her hand on my shoulder. “Sweety, I know it will help. I’ll feel better in no time and I can do things again!” She says with a demanding look, but there is a glint of worry in her eyes. I feel like she doesn’t really believe her own words, but wants me to believe it. She doesn’t want me to worry.  
And I want to give her that hope, if that will help her. “Yeah it will! It is only a virus, you will feel much better soon!”  
“Yes.” She smiles widely and playfully adds. “And we can go hakkûh together!” She stands from her seat and attempts to hakken.  
I giggle, she is really terrible at it. But I love how she tries, she tries so hard. She is such a fighter.  
When she stops and sits down again with a chuckle, I can hear her heavy breathing. She is so easily out of breath, after just a few seconds of dancing. It scares me, but I don’t want to lose hope. Maybe it really is just a virus and with an antibiotics treatment she will recover. I hope for the best, but fear the worst.  
“Well-.” My father begins but is interrupted by the bell.  
I quickly stand up before my mother can. I want her to get better which means she really needs to rest.  
I open the door and I’m delighted when I see its Zayn. Just knowing that he is here makes me feel so much better. Well, that is until I look closer at his face. I can immediately tell something is wrong.  
“Can I talk to you?” He asks.  
With a lot of hesitation I nod. I don’t want to talk, I’m already agitated and on edge and I just want him to hold and kiss me.  
We walk to my room and when we enter he gives me a small, but sweet peck on my lips. It makes me smile despite my worry. His affection does a lot to me.  
“I can’t help you today.” He suddenly blurts out.  
“What?” I ask surprised. Zayn was so excited about all of this, I don’t believe him! But the look on his face tells me that I have to believe it.  
“Why?”  
“Well I tried to call you yesterday and left you a bunch of messages.” He begins to explain.  
“I was with Hazza.”  
He rolls his eyes. “Of course you were.”  
“Don’t you dare do this. You come to my house and suddenly tell me you can’t help. So don’t make this about Hazza.”  
“It just bothers me.” He shrugs.  
I sigh tiredly. It’s not like I don’t know it bothers him, he repeats it again and again. “I don’t want to talk about that, why can’t you help?”  
“I have a wedding this afternoon.”  
“A wedding?”  
“Yeah I completely forgot about it, it’s the wedding of my cousin I barely know.”  
“Do you have to go?”  
“Yeah.” He says without any hesitation, as if it’s so obvious. “It’s family.”  
“Well, but you just said that you barely know him and besides that, you had agreed to help me.” I feel the anger boiling up inside of me. I feel so irritated with him.  
“I know, I’m so sorry Louis. I tried to get out of it, but then they asked me what would be so important that I would miss my cousin's wedding and I couldn’t do that.”  
“So you didn't tell your family you had other plans?”  
“No.”  
“No?” I reply, completely taken aback by his honesty. Fuck, he couldn’t even tell them!  
I know his family still doesn’t know we are together. He can’t tell them he is in a relationship with a boy. At first I didn’t really bother me. Why would it? It was just Zayn and me and I enjoyed that. It felt like I lived in this dream and all I felt was love. But right now it makes me very angry. He chooses his cousin, who he barely knows, over me! That really pisses me off! And the fact that he didn’t even told his parents that he had other plans.  
“And you couldn’t even tell them you have plans with a friend?”  
“No they wouldn’t understand, family always goes first.”  
I’m so angry, so angry. How can he do this to me?  
“Fuck you Zayn. You can’t treat me like this. You make me feel like shit and you make me feel like you don’t really care about me. About us.” I say with clear resentment and hurt in my voice.  
“Fuck, I do care.” Zayn says frustrated.  
His frustration only makes me angrier. “I hate you for doing this to me! Hazza would never do that to me.” I spit out. I know I just went too far, this is too harsh, but I just really hate him at the moment.  
I look at him and it's like a flash of fire burns in his eyes. He seems beyond furious, but there is something else in his eyes that I can’t place. I don’t even want to know, I just want to hurt him, the way he hurts me. And the best way for me not to burst out in tears is by making him angry which ensures in me being angry as hell. That is the only thing I want to focus on, the only think I can do at the moment.  
“Fuck you Louis, I’m so close t-“  
“To what huh?” I provoke. “What do you want to do?”  
My eyes slowly drift off to his hands as he clenches them into a fist. I know what will happen, I know it, but honestly I don’t care.  
“FUCK!” He hisses and he grabs my shoulders.  
I flinch at his sudden touch and I hate that I flinch. I don’t want him to think I’m scared, because I’m not, not really.  
He breathes heavily as he intensely stares in my eyes.  
I can only look back at him, not knowing what to say or do. My anger slowly reduces and I feel tears swelling up.  
“I’m so sorry Louis.” He says softly and he moves his face closer to me. His breathe tingles my face, his face comes closer and closer… oh no, not again. As much as I want to kiss him, I can’t. I feel like I’m bursting out of tears. How can he do this to me? Making me feel so confused, hurt and at the same time so wanted. It’s too much.  
I push his arms off my shoulders. “I can’t do this.”  
“What?”  
“Us!” My voice cracks.  
“What?” He says confused. “Because I can’t help you today?”  
I bitterly laugh at him. “Seriously? You think it’s about that? Yes maybe partly, but it’s about the fact that you didn't even try to get out of it, that you can’t help me because you can’t even tell your parents about us!” I hiss angrily. I’m so beyond furious. He can’t even tell them that we are friends. He doesn’t care enough about me. He is ashamed of me!  
“You can’t expect me to just run around and scream that we are together. You haven’t told your dearest Hazza yet.” He says mockingly.  
He has a point. But still. He is wrong. He lets his family get in the way of us. He doesn’t care enough for me and he ditches me while we would do a party together.  
“I don’t want to see you again, EVER!” I scream my last words in desperation, trying so hard not to cry. I know it’s impossible to never see him again, since we are in the same class, but that is something I don’t want to think about right now.  
“Go.” I say flatly, although from the inside I’m screaming.  
“No please don’t Louis.” He practically begs.  
I hate you so much Zayn. I want to hit you so hard, I fucking hate you. I hate what you do to me. And I hate it that I still want to kiss you. I hate you so freaking much. I want to beat you, scream at you, hold you, kiss you. Fuck this.  
“GO!” I scream and I practically shove him out of my room. “Go to your family and leave me alone!”

\-----------------

After I practically shoved Zayn out of my house and tried to calm down, my mother came over to hug me. I broke down in tears. All my emotions came rushing in. It was like an explosion.  
I needed my Hazza.  
“Thank you for coming last minute, I know you should study, so thank you. You are truly amazing.” I say with a sigh of relief as I hug him very tightly.  
He returns the hug and embraces me with a tight grip. “It’s okay, I’m glad I can help.”  
“HARRI!” Tom screams and he tugs on Hazza’s jeans. Tom is very fond of Hazza (well who isn’t?). I think it also has something to with the birthday present he gave Tom on his birthday. Today is his birthday party, but a few days ago he celebrated his real birthday with the family. Of course, as a member of the family, he came to visit and bought Tom Disney’s Cars Lego.  
“Are you excited about your party?” Hazza asks him with huge enthusiasm.  
Tom nods happily. “Yeah.”  
With a big smile on his face, Hazza grabs Tom and he holds him up. He hurls him around. I hear Thomas giggling in Hazza’s ears and I finally feel like smiling again.  
This, this feels good. No trouble, just wonderful.  
“I love you Haz.” I say and my voice breaks a little, I’m apparently still quite emotional.  
-  
He chuckles when he sees the clown suits. He holds one and looks at the other. “Why are there two clown suits?”  
“One was for my mother.” The lie just rolls easily out of my mouth. I’m unpleasant surprised by myself. Once again I lie to him. This is not healthy and the worst part is that it goes so easily. It’s like i'm caught in a web of lies.  
“Oh yeah of course.” He says with an understanding smile.  
No! Why are you so perfect Harold?! Don’t believe me! Keep asking, keep interrogating me! You need to know the truth and I can’t tell you. Please drag it out of me. Keep asking. You know I’m lying and then I need to say it. Ask me about Zayn. About the asshole that keeps hurting me but that I still love. 

\-----------------

I step out of my clothes until I’m only wearing my boxers. I lie down in bed and scoop over to the left. Hazza crawls down next to me and his arm creeps over my waist.  
The party was still an absolute success. Thomas had the day of his life and even I had fun. Mostly thanks to Hazza. We did the most silly and random things as clowns. We were awful, but it was hilarious. Hazza was amazing with the kids and I looked at him in awe. Everything was amazing and even if a little voice in my head was thinking about Zayn, I pushed it away. I didn't and still don’t want to think about him. I am so mad and mainly wounded for how he treated me. He doesn't care as much about me as I care for him. He doesn't really love me. That is what hurts me the most, that is what kills me inside. It will never be completely right and I finally realize that.  
He might never tell his parents or friends about me and I don’t think I can live with that. I don’t think I want to be just one part of his life, I don’t want to be ‘second best’. I want to be completely with him and I want to be his top priority. I might sound hypocritical because I haven’t told my friends yet, but I’m too hurt to really understand that. The thing is, I know that when I’m with Hazza it is okay. There is nobody in this world that loves me more than him or than I love him. He is my best friend, my soul mate and maybe also the love of my life? He can be, if I let it be.  
And unexpectedly I crave for Hazza. I always want to touch and kiss him, but this is different. This is not just about hormones, this is about feeling safe and loved. I can’t suppress the words that come out of my mouth.  
“Touch me Hazza. I want to feel your love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh oh, drama time!
> 
> Although I didn't get as much kudos or comments on the previous chapter as I hoped, I still decided to post a new chapter!  
> I hope you liked this chapter (full of drama): I would really appreciate it if you would comment (what you think about the story, also if you don't like it!) or leave a kudo.


	20. Guilty pleasure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> First of I want to thank you for all the reads, kudos and comments on my story! You really don’t have any idea how much that means to me! I’m not feeling very well and it really makes my day when I know people enjoy my story. That is basically all I want =) So I hope more people will comment or leave kudos (and of course read it!)
> 
> I’m still not feeling very well, but at least I’m feeling good enough to write! Well sort of…  
> This chapter sucks, literally and figuratively lol. I love Larry and Larry chapters but this chapter just didn’t go the way I wanted =( But I really had to write this chapter, because it’s an important one for the story. I could either change this chapter thousands of times or just post it. Since I really wanted to post for you guys I did just that.  
> I guess I’m just a little bit out of my story. I know what I want, but I don’t want to disappoint you guys! (With this chapter, but also in general with how the story develops).
> 
> Despite my rant on how I didn’t really like this chapter, I do hope you like it! I’m trying! And I just hope that people continue to read, vote and comment on my story!
> 
> I’ll stop, this is already too long xd

“Touch me Hazza. I want to feel your love.”  
He smiles and nods at me before he crawls on top of me.  
This is so pure and perfect and so Hazza. He doesn't need to know what is going on. He just sees that I need him and he will touch me without asking me anything.  
What if he did ask me just a simple ‘Why?’. I’m scared that if he did ask me that I would basically admit everything. I feel so fucking vulnerable right now, the words (probably along with massive tears) would just slip out of my mouth.  
Thank goodness he doesn't ask me anything and just attaches his lips on my neck. He gives me soft and lingering kisses on my neck, making my body shudder from his soft and sweet touches. His touches make my body feel warm and loved.  
With one hand he holds himself up so he won't suffocate me with his weight. Although right now, I probably won't mind to feel his heavy weight on top of me. It would make me feel safe and that is what I need. I need Hazza.  
Sometimes I’m scared that I need Hazza too much, that I'm too attached to him. But right now I don’t even want to think about that. Because even it that is true, it wouldn't change anything. Hazza is the most important person in my life, he is the person that I love the most. When I need him, he is here for me. And right now I just really need him. I don’t want to feel upset about Zayn and how he treats me, because I have such a wonderful boy beside me right now. A boy that will do anything for me. A boy that I love.  
One of Harry’s hands slowly travels down my body. He caresses my arms, chest, waist and lastly my hips with gentle but firm touches. His large hand moves along my body and I feel warmth and pleasure surrounding me.  
I surrender to this lovely physical contact and try to forget about everything else that comes into my mind. He strokes my thighs with slow but long movements, making me yearn for more contact, more Hazza.   
After a few minutes of pleasing my neck Harry moves down until his face is right above my belly. He kisses my belly and my body uncontrollably moves towards his kisses.   
He licks my belly button and I can’t suppress a giggle.   
“I love the way you respond to my touches.” Hazza says with so much admiration in his voice.   
I softly trace my fingers down his back as he continues to touch my body. I hum in delight. This feels so amazing, so good. I feel loved, cherished and warm. So why is it that I feel so guilty?

\-----

I fall down on the mattress. Completely overwhelmed, satisfied and exhausted. My heart is racing and I feel insanely sweaty with drops of sweat all over my body. Hazza is perfection.   
Hazza lies down next to me. He moves his head towards my ear and whispers. “The broken sound you made when you came in my mouth was perfection.”   
As he whispers those words in my ear, a broken sob escapes my mouth. My body feels heavenly, but my mind feels utterly guilty. Why do I feel so guilty lately? Well maybe that is because you are doing so many things wrong Tomlinson! My subconscious yells at me.   
“Hey what is wrong?” He asks me, completely taken by surprise with my response, or better said my pathetic sob. “Was my blowjob that bad?” He asks half-jokingly, half-questionably.   
I snort as more tears fall down on my cheeks. “No of course not.”   
“Oh good, because that would really hurt my ego.” He says with a soft grin. With his thumbs he removes the tears from my cheeks. I cautiously look him in the eyes and am faced with the most love, adoration and worry in someone’s eyes I have ever seen. Hazza truly loves me. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live with this guilt anymore. I wanted to avoid this conversation so badly. I didn't want to, but somehow I feel this is the only time that I can.  
“Your blowjob is amazing, like always, it’s just… I feel…” I take a deep breath and for the first time in forever I don’t tell a lie. “Guilty.”   
“Guilty?” He questions.  
“Yeah.” I say in a whispered voice. The amazing feeling I just had is completely gone.   
He sits up and shakes his head in confusion. “I don’t understand.”   
I also sit up until my back is against the headboard. “What are we?”  
Hazza raises his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”  
“Just tell me.” I practically beg him.  
“We are Hazza and Lou of course...”   
I shake my head. He doesn't understand what I mean, what I want. I want clarification. I need to know what this is. What we are. “No, but what are we? Like…”  
“You are acting strange again.” He admits with a frown on his face.  
“I’m not.” I say in defense.   
“Yeah you are.” He scrapes his throat. “I’ve noticed it for quite a while now, but I didn't want to push it. I thought you were stressed because of everything that is happening with your mother. Sometimes you are just distance, but most of the time you are you and happy so I didn't want to say anything.”  
“There is nothing.” I say without any moment of hesitation. But of course there is something and Hazza knows it. Hazza knows something is up. I mean who else would cry after such an amazing blowjob?   
“Is it Liam?”  
“Liam?” I ask confused.  
“Do you still like him?”  
I’m completely taken by surprise. Does he think I’m into Liam? “What? Huh? No of course not!”   
“Wait!” He says and with a horrified expression he looks into my eyes.  
I feel my heart drop. He has figured it out. He knows what’s going on. Oh god please Hazza, just don’t. Just forget all of this. We can go back to how things were before! I don’t want to lose you, I just want you and only you. My mind is racing and my heart is beating fast.   
“You kissed Niall!”   
“WHAT?” I ask stunned.   
“Yeah.” He nods, mostly to himself, like he just figured everything out. “Last time you sort of behaved like this you were spending more time with Liam and now you are spending more time with Niall.”  
I was so freaking scared that he finally knew the truth. I felt so anxious and nervous, but this is what he thinks? I can’t help but to roll my eyes. “Seriously? Haz! I’m not some slut! I don’t just go around and kiss my friends!” I practically yell the last part. I know I haven’t been honest to Hazza lately and it’s tearing me apart, but I’m also slightly upset that he thinks I kissed Niall!   
“Well what is it then?” He asks me with determination in his voice, but I can also detect fear in his eyes.   
“I-i…” I stammer unsure. What can I say? I don’t even know what is going on right now. Just a few hours ago I had this huge fight with Zayn in which we basically broke up. I dragged him out of my house and told him I never wanted to see him again. I was so freaking angry at Zayn for treating me the way he did. Hazza would never treat me like Zayn did. He would never be ashamed of me.   
So is this it? Is this the end between Zayn and me? I know that it would probably be for the best. But if I really didn't want anything to do with Zayn anymore, than why would I care? Why would I feel so guilty and be such a mess right now, when I have this perfect boy right next to me?  
“Shit.” I mutter, mostly to myself.  
“Why do you feel so guilty?” He asks and even without looking back I can feel his stare.  
Oh god no Hazza, I can’t do this. I can’t lose you. Not over a guy that isn’t worth it. Because he isn’t. Right?  
“I just want to know what we are. You just gave me a blowjob Hazza and if I wasn't so emotional, selfish and fucked up I would have returned the favor.”  
“Hey, you don’t ever have to do anything you don’t want to. Besides, you freaking out on me doesn't really make me aroused. Far from it actually.”   
“I’m sorry.” I say and I break down. Hard this time. I’m crying with loud noises and I shake uncontrollably. I cry because of Zayn, because of the way that I treat Hazza. I cry because I’m so fucked up.  
“Hey it’s okay.” He soothes me and he rubs my back.  
You see! He even soothes me after I fucking burst down in tears! He shouldn't be this good to me. I don’t deserve him.

He keeps soothing me until I’m slightly calmed down.  
“What are you sorry for?” He asks me.  
“Everything!” I say between sniffs. “For always wanting you near me, wanting to feel your love, but not giving you anything in return, fo-“  
“Stop.” Hazza demands. “That is such crap Lou. You know I love you so much that I would do anything for you! I do it because I love you with all my heart. And you give me plenty in return. Just seeing your smile, hearing you talk, being around you. Just you.”  
I can only sob in response. His words freaking kill me. Hazza is the most amazing person ever and even though I know I don’t deserve him, I want him, I need him.   
“But,” Hazza continues. “The way you are now, it hurts me. It hurts me to see you like this and I don’t know why and I don’t know how to help you.” He seems completely heart-broken about the fact that he can’t help me. He doesn’t know what’s going on because I’m too scared to tell him. But he needs to know that I love him so much and that I can’t live without him. “You help me Haz. More than you will ever know.” I try to assure him. “It’s just… I feel so confused lately.”   
“Yeah me too.” He says with an exhausted sigh. Hazza has his hands in his hair, pulling at it with frustration and desperation.   
For a few minutes it’s completely silence. The both of us keep our mouth shut, but I can practically see all the questions in Harry’s mind swarming through the room, along with all my emotions and thoughts. It’s already so busy and unclear in my head, I don’t know how I can make this better.  
Hazza is the first to break the silence. “Why did you ask who we are? Why? You never cared about that… You never wanted us to be labeled, we were just us.”   
“I know, but some people just don’t understand our relationship.”  
“Well fuck them.” Hazza immediately says.  
Dammit Hazza, you don't make it any easier. I don’t want to hear what I already know, I want to know how you see us. What we are for each other.  
“But what if we, you know, get a relationship with someone else or something like that?” I try to stay calm, but from the inside I’m screaming.   
Hazza looks at me with a very intense gaze. “Are you?” He asks.   
I firmly shake my head. “No.” And technically I’m not lying. A few hours ago I did dramatically tell Zayn that it was over and that I didn't want to see him again. It might not be what I really want, but I know that it’s for the best. As long as I have Hazza, I know it will be okay.


	21. Apologies & forgiveness

It’s the day after the party and I’m fucking exhausted. I never had such an emotional day with that much mixed emotions. I was a freaking emotional mess, even though that isn’t something new these days.  
After a lot of persuasion on my side Hazza finally left my house. I didn't want him to leave, because like always I’m very needy when it comes to Hazza. But I knew he had to study and as much as I hated it I needed some time alone. He will always choose me before everything else and I can’t let him do that. Not after everything I did to him.  
Yesterday I was the most honest I have been since a long time, but I still haven’t really told him anything. Or at least not about Zayn. I could see in his eyes that he still had so many questions. Hazza is no fool, he knows something is up. I tried to reassure him that everything is okay. I don’t think it really worked, but at least I tried. When I was trying to reassure him that everything is okay and that there is nothing going on, I also was trying to reassure myself. I was trying to make me believe my own words, but of course that didn’t help. I’m still fucking confused.  
Hazza didn't make it any better. I’m still at a loss about how he sees us. Does he think we are in a relationship? Or are we friends with benefits? I think that he doesn't even know it himself, because he doesn't care. Before I met Zayn I felt the same. I honestly don't care what we were or how people saw us because I was happy. I was happy and content with the way things were. But then I met Zayn and he turned my world upside down. Suddenly everything changed. I became very aware, thanks to my father and mostly Zayn, of my supposedly weird friendship with Hazza. Zayn instantly hated the relationship I had with Hazza. I always tried to defend my relationship, because for me it was very normal. But as time grew and things between Zayn and me got more serious I felt more and more confused. And guilty. Zayn really changed my life for the better ánd the worse. Never have I met someone that crawls under my skin like Zayn does. I never been so furious with anyone in my life, but I also have never felt so alive.

After Hazza finally left my house, sadly still with a frown on his face, I looked at my phone to see if Zayn had tried to contact me. I was seriously nervous to look and I felt a battle within me. A big part of me prayed that Zayn didn't try to contact me. I hoped it so much just so that I could forget about him and move on with my life. With Hazza.  
But there also was a part of me, bigger than I will ever admit, that wanted him. That despite the fact that Zayn has shattered me, I still wanted him to contact me. I still want him.  
When I finally had built up the courage to check my phone, I saw that Zayn did try to contact me. In that instant, when I didn't think about the consequences, I felt so much relieve in my bones. He had left me over 40 messages and called me at least 15 times. The messages basically all had the same memo: I’m so sorry.  
I was so relieved. Mostly because I think that it would have hurt me so much more if he would just go on with his life without a fight. I think that would hurt the most, because I still want him. I want him to fight for me and I want to lose that fight and give in.  
But as much as I want to forgive him – and believe me, I want to forgive him so badly and run to him – I know I shouldn’t.  
Why? Yeah even partly because of the party. It made me feel like I can’t count on him when we have plans. But the biggest part is that he didn't even try to tell his family about me. He is so ashamed of us. He doesn't want me to exist in his world outside of school. A part of me really tries to understand it from his perspective because of his religion, but most of times I’m just so upset and angry. He told me himself that although in his culture and religion homosexuality ‘doesn't exist’, that his parents are rather unconventional. That is what pissed me off. He could have at least said something, but instead he chose to be quiet.  
Apart from all of this, is of course Hazza. I shouldn't forgive Zayn for what he did, because of Hazza. Hazza is always there for me and we just got intimate with each other. And except the utter guilt I felt, I felt wonderful. It felt like I belonged there. That Hazza is how it was supposed to be. Where I’m supposed to be.  
I’m just so fucking scared for school tomorrow, when I have to face Zayn. Even though I know I shouldn’t be with him, I know I can be weak when it comes to Zayn. After all, some parts of me still long for him and want him. Despite everything I’m still in love.  
I’m scared that if I see him that I will forgive him.

\-----------------

As I arrive at school I’m dreading this day like no day before. It feels even worse than my first day of school and that is saying something. I try to act normal and even a bit nonchalant as I walk inside the school. In my mind I repeat ‘don’t talk to Zayn, don’t forgive him’. But like every other thing that I plan, of course my plan could only fail.  
“Louis!” Zayn screams as he runs towards me. “Please talk to me!” He begs, partly out of breath.  
“No.” I say steadily and I keep walking in a normal pace. ‘Don’t look at him; you know you will give in when you look at his gorgeous face.’  
“Please.” He gently takes my wrist and my body reacts automatically. I shiver from his delicate, but still firm hand wrapped around my wrist. As much as I want to suppress it, it feels nice. Goddammit!  
“Please.” He begs again.  
I constantly repeat ‘no’ in my head, but that only lasts for like five whole seconds. I’m just so pathetic!  
“Okay.” I sigh and I let him lead me to a quiet place.

When we arrive in a more secluded part of our school I finally look at him. He looks stressed, but beautiful as ever.  
He still has his hand wrapped around my wrist and with his thumb he softly strokes my skin. “I’m so sorry Louis. I want to change things.” Zayn says with so much regret in his voice.  
I can’t ignore his voice, his pleads. His words fill my heart with warmth. Fuck this! I want to tell him to piss off. I want to tell him again and again how much he has hurt me. But I can’t. God, I’m so frustrated with myself.  
“One minute you are this gigantic asshole and the next minute you are kissing me and making me feel like… like.” I can’t finish my sentence.  
“Like what?”  
I’m not able to speak, I’m scared what will come out of my mouth.  
“Like what Louis?” He asks again. His voice low and persistent.  
“Like I’ve never felt before. OKAY?” I yell desperately. “But I can’t, I can’t do this!”  
“I know I’ve hurt you-“ Zayn begins but I interrupt him. “Yes you did, you really did. You didn't even tried to talk to your parents! You are so ashamed of us! Do you have any idea how many times I’m with Hazza and I want to tell him about you! I want the world to know about us, but I’m scared okay? I’m scared of losing Hazza.” And that my friend, is everything. The thought of losing Hazza is too terrifying to even think about. Just saying it out loud makes me feel like I’ve been stabbed right in my heart. That is what hurt the most. I can handle anything, anything but losing Hazza. How can Zayn expect me to tell Hazza if he can’t even tell his own parents? He can’t even tell them we are friends… and no matter how in love I am, it is not something worth losing Hazza over.  
The realization just hit me, as I screamed the words in panic. I’ve known it for a while, but I finally am able to really admit it. The reason why I haven’t told Hazza is because I’m scared of losing him. The thing is, as long as I keep my relationship with Zayn a secret I don’t really have anything to worry about it. I know that I can always fall back on Hazza. Like I did after the huge fight Zayn and I had. If something happens between Zayn and me, I can just crawl back to Hazza.   
Saying it like this makes me feel ashamed. It sounds like Hazza is my second option, my safety when everything else falls apart. However it’s so much more than that. He is so much more than that.  
But what will happen if he knows about Zayn? Will he still be here the way he is there for me now? Because let’s face it I can’t live without Hazza.   
“Please give me another chance to prove to you how much I love you.” He practically begs.  
And in this instance I know I can’t say no. As much as my mind screams no, my heart says yes. Yes, yes, yes! With Zayn it’s just so extremely exciting. It’s like a whole new world I’m exploring. It’s so intriguing. One minute I want to punch him in the face and the next I desire him, his face and his touch. It’s exhilarating.   
I still want things to change and he really needs to explain himself, but in this moment, when he looks at me like that, tenderly holds my wrist and basically pleads for another chance, I immediate forgive him.   
Now I just have to forgive myself for what I have done with Hazza.   
Technically we had broken up, but I still feel so guilty about it. Guilty towards Zayn and Hazza. It feels like I’ve used Hazza, which was not the case. I can never intentionally use him. I just need him.  
I also feel wrong, because I basically cheated on Zayn with Hazza. Zayn is already so agitated when I only mention Hazza’s name. He doesn’t even know half about our relationship. I’ve told him Hazza and I are friends and not lovers, but how can he believe me when I’ve gone further with Hazza than I have with Zayn? Will Zayn still trust me? And what about Hazza? What will happen between Hazza and me?  
Ugh! Why can’t I stop thinking?   
“Louis?” Zayn carefully asks.   
I look up to Zayn and realize why I’m doing this to myself. It’s all so complicated, but this is what I want. I want Zayn.   
“I forgive you.” I say with a faint smile and he instantly crushes me with a tight hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter =)  
> Sadly only a few people read this story, but the people that do and mostly the people that comment make me really happy! I really appreciate it =)
> 
> Larry is my otp, I truly believe that Larry is real and I fight for their love. But I also kind of love the Zouis in this to be honest <3 What do you guys think?  
> And what will happen? More drama? ;)
> 
> I hoped you liked this new chapter! I would really love it if you would comment or leave kudos! Or if you share it; that would be awesome too!
> 
> I wrote down all the things that I still want to happen for this story, so I can tell you how many chapters you can still expect. This story will have around 35 chapters total (so that means that there are still 14 more to come). This is a guess, because I still have to write most of it. But it will be around 14 chapters. I hope you guys don't mind ^^
> 
> and lastly: I try to upload at least once a week but because of my fucking disease I can't promise it!


	22. Mr. & Mrs. Malik

After our intense conversation, Zayn and I quickly run to our class. Ms. Boonstra’s class. We storm into the classroom, just merely on time. I can see the pure hatred in her eyes as she stares at us. She probably wished we were too late, so she could give us detention. Sadly for her, she can’t.  
We sit down at our places and I’m holding Zayn’s hand under the table. I know Ms. Boonstra’s rules, she will never allow any form of intimacy.   
I’m still a bit overwhelmed with everything that just happened, but mainly I’m relieved. As much as my mind goes crazy with different thoughts and I feel so many mixed emotions, I also feel so happy and in love.   
We’ve only ‘broken up’ for two days, but it was extremely intense so it feels like more. I know things have to change, but this time I want to take that step. I want this relationship to go somewhere so it’s not just Zayn and me in my bedroom. I want it to be more than that, even though I’m scared shitless.

“In less than two months the final exams begin. If you prepare wisely, you should not have any problems with the exams.” Ms. Boonstra says with a strict tone. Suddenly she looks at me. “Some of you don’t see the need to study, which will have consequences. Not that I care.”  
Internally I roll my eyes. She is such a bitch! I hate her for saying it and basically directing it to me. But it also makes me nervous, because as much as I hate that bitch, she is right. I’m so wrapped up with other things like my mum, Nialler, Zayn and Hazza… I always ‘forget’ to make my homework or study. What if I won’t make it? That would mean I have to be in this hell hole for another year! I can’t have that. I need to make it! I need to make it so that I finally can get away from this awful place. And, I really want my summer vacation. I really need my vacation. Just imagining my vacation makes me smile, it sounds so wonderful to my ears. As if you are saved from evil, which you are in a way. Especially if you have Ms. Boonstra as a teacher. Fortunately she is often absent because of her ‘mental state’.  
“Okay, open your books at page 79 and read the first three paragraphs.”  
I open my book at a random page just so I can pretend I’m reading. Meanwhile my mind is everywhere except with school.

Suddenly Zayn’s breath is tickling my ear. I suppress a chuckle.   
“I want you to meet my family.” He whispers.  
I quickly turn my head, my eyes wide. “What?!”  
“I want you to meet them and I want them to meet you.”  
A grin appears on my face. “I would love that.” I quietly reply. Holy fuck! I wanted things to change, but this is not just a step this is huge!  
“But I…” He begins unsure. “I want them to meet you as my friend. For now okay?” I can see the uncertainty in his eyes as he says that. I feel for him. He is really trying and that is enough for me.  
I nod and agree. “Okay.”   
Zayn seems to physically relax from my simple agreement. I don’t expect Zayn to suddenly run inside the mosque and scream from the top of his lungs that he is in a relationship with a boy. An English boy. That would be interesting though.  
No, we have to take it slow and I want that. I want to see what happens and then, then I might feel brave enough to tell Hazza.  
“My mother will be so happy, she absolutely adores you.” I say with a playful smile on my face.  
Zayn grins back, all the tension and turmoil seems to be vanished. “Oh so your mother huh? You aren’t happy?”  
I shake my head. “Of course not, I hate this so fucking much.” I say as I grin like a moron.  
He shrugs. “Okay, so then I won’t kiss. Since you hate that too.”  
I shake my head. “Nu-uh, I never said anything about kissing. I like the kissing.” I say with a smirk and add. “And I love the touching.”  
Zayn chuckles. “I like it too. Very much.” He brings his hands to my face and slowly moves towards me. I can feel his breath on my face, coming closer and closer. I can’t wait any longer and practically slam my lips on his, having missed his lovely lips that taste so sweetly.   
We’ve completely forgotten that we are in the middle of the class room until we hear a few whistles and barf sounds and then suddenly we hear a very angry but anxious, high-pitched voice. “OUT! Out of my classroom!”

\-----------------

Once we arrive at Zayn’s family house I feel the anxiety in my stomach. When Zayn told me that he wanted me to meet his parents I didn’t think it would be the very next day! I hoped I had some time to prepare for it, but that would probably only make it worse. Because, in the few hours I've known about this, I already imagined all the worst scenarios in my head. And they terrify me.  
I just hope a miracle happens; that Zayn’s parents will like me. Zayn will only introduce me as a friend, but I still want them to like me. I want the start to be good. I want to be a part of Zayn’s life, aside from school.  
I suddenly realize, as I am about the meet his parents, that Zayn and I haven’t even been on a real date. Whenever we see each other outside of school it is always at my house. At school we are as ‘out and proud’ as we can be, but outside of school it’s completely different. To be honest, I haven’t even considered going on a date. I like it too much when he is in my house. In my room. Preferably on my bed.  
But as much as I may like to be alone with Zayn in my room, it shouldn’t only be like that. We should do more than making out and arguing. We should go on a date and we shouldn’t be afraid of people’s reactions. But is that possible? Is Zayn ready for that? What if he sees someone from the mosque? His friends? And what if I see my friends? I don’t think either of us can handle that right now. We have to take little steps and I feel like we are finally making those steps.  
Maybe we can be more open in a while. I would love if it I could just kiss him in front his family. I don’t know if that can or will ever happen, but I can hope for it.  
For now, I just really need to make a good impression. Luckily I only have to impress the folks. His sisters are at grandma and I can’t be more relieved. I don’t think I can handle his parents and sisters in one afternoon. Let alone his whole family.  
“Shall we go?” Zayn softly pinches my hand before releasing it.  
“Yes.” I sigh. I swallow, feeling so anxious and tired. But nowadays feeling tired isn’t something special, I’m always exhausted. I’m exhausted because of everything that is going on with my mother (she still isn’t feeling better), Nialler, with Hazza and Zayn.   
Quite often I just want everything to be as they were before. No problems, stress and guilt. It would be so much easier. But I realize that it would mean I have to miss this beautiful boy next to me and the amazing moments we share together. That would a shame, right? Yeah, totally.   
“It’s going to be okay.” He says as he smiles at me.   
Zayn takes his keys out of his pocket and opens the door.

We stand together in the hallway and I just want to run away. I want to run outside. The thing is, this is what I wanted. I wanted to meet his family. I wanted to be a part of his life. I still want that, but it also terrifies me. Mostly because I don’t think I belong.   
“It’s just a casual conversation. No pressure.” Zayn tries to calm me again and his soothing voice kind of helps.   
Zayn doesn’t touch me, not even a calming hand pressed to my lower back. It’s different. We always touch. I didn’t expect him to touch me, but I already miss it. I want to feel close to him. He gives me warmth and comfort when he touches me, but right now we are ‘just friends’, so I better start to act like one.  
I take a deep breath and follow Zayn in (what I’m assuming) is the living room.   
As I step into the living room the first things that I notice are the bright colors and the smell. The house smells sweet, like cinnamon and the room has a lot of different colors and motives.   
The second thing I notice is Zayn’s father. He sits on the couch and he reads the newspaper.  
Zayn coughs. “Father, this is my friend Louis.” Zayn introduces me.  
I try to act nonchalant as he looks up from his newspaper and his eyes bore into mine. It feels very unpleasant, but I try to smile politely. I move closer to the couch to introduce myself. He stands up from his seat and shakes my hand.   
“Hi, I’m Louis.”  
“I’m Yaser.” He looks at me with an investigative look. It gives me the creeps. What does he think? Do I even want to know? “Pleasure to meet you.”  
“Likewise.” I agree with a smile.   
“Ah you must be Louis.” A warm, motherly voice says. I turn around to Zayn’s mother. She holds a plate with little snacks.  
“Yeah I am, pleasure to meet you.”  
She greets me with a warm smile. “Welcome, I’m Patricia, come sit. Have something to eat.”  
“Thank you.” I smile.  
“Do you want some tea?” Zayn’s mother asks me and I already know the answer. Zayn said that I should not refuse her tea and that I should try some of her sweets to win her over. Since that is my mission I definitely won’t decline, even if my teeth will fall out of my mouth because of all the sugar.  
“Yes please.”  
I sit down at the couch opposite of the one Zayn’s father sits in. I really don’t want to sit next to him. I’m scared he can hear or maybe even smell my fear. Not a great way to start.  
Zayn plops down next to me and my first instinct is to take his hand. I quickly remove my hand and awkwardly scratch my neck. I already feel so embarrassed, but luckily nobody noticed.

“Here you are.” Zayn’s mum gives me my tea. “And please have some sweets. I’ve made a lot of them.” She says as she sits down next to Yaser.  
“Oh it looks lovely.” I answer and look at all the different pastries Zayn's mother made. They look beautiful!  
I take a pastry and take a bite. “It’s delicious.” I compliment the mother and I’m not only saying it to be nice. It’s really fucking delicious!  
“Good.” She smiles at me with a friendly smile.  
So far everything is going okay. I breathe a sigh of relief. You can do this Tomlinson, I say to myself.  
“Louis, are you in the same class as my son?” She asks me with curiosity.  
I nod. “Yes ma’am. Since this year.”  
“He never brings friends from school.” His father states as he suddenly joins the conversation.  
I try not to show any discomfort and just politely nod at his words.   
“Yeah,” His mother agrees. “I’ve never heard him say anything about a friend from school.”  
I don’t really know what to say, luckily Zayn beats me. “I know, but we did an assignment together and we really enjoyed working on the project together.” His voice is steady and calm. I’m impressed with the way he talks to them. If I would say it I would probably have a smile on my face that I can’t suppress. I’m not very good at hiding my emotions.   
“Is Louis the boy you had that awful fight with?” His mother suddenly asks, frowning at Zayn.  
Oh no, this is not good. This is definitely not good. I feel ashamed, but I don’t know what to say or do that will make this situation less awkward.   
“Yes mother, he is. But it was just a misunderstanding.” Zayn explains to his mother, and partly to his father who mostly seems to listen to the conversation.  
I quietly agree with Zayn.  
“A misunderstanding?” She says amazed. “I won’t call that a misunderstanding. You were suspended from school for two weeks!”  
“I know, but we worked it out.” Zayn immediately replies, his tone a little bit harder.  
I’m thankful that Zayn talks to his mother about this and that he doesn’t let me handle this on my own. I really don’t know what to say.   
“You worked it out? You told me he was a racist?”  
My cheeks heat up and I feel a sting in my stomach. Ouch. This is too painful to watch, let alone be a part of. This is a fucking disaster. His mother thinks I am a racist. Fucking great. She seemed like such a nice woman, but she proves quite the opposite. Why would I fucking hang out with Zayn if I was racist? And even more: why would I kiss and touch Zayn if I was a fucking racist?   
If only she knew, or does she?   
“Mother, can you please stop? Louis is not a racist. Yes we might have some argument now and then, but most of the times we hang out we just have fun together.”  
In other circumstance I would tease him about the ‘fun’ we have together, but right now I’m too scared to even smile. I know this isn’t going well. I can feel the mother’s resentment and I fucking hate it. I want to crawl into a shell, preferably with my Hazza.  
“I see.” She says curtly.   
I quietly drink my tea. I look at the table in front of me, too scared to look at his mother. Even without looking, I can feel her watching me. Does she know? Does she know something more is going on? I haven’t given anything away, have I?  
“Well I guess it’s just a surprise that you want to be friends with someone like him.” She says in a very casual tone, but I can hear a under layer of repulsion.  
With utter confusion, I look up at her. I’m completely in shock. That is such a fucking rude comment! Someone like me? WTF? What is she referring to? My half shaven head? My ‘gayness’? Whatever it is, I feel fucking attacked! Normally, if anyone would make such a nasty comment about me, I would immediately defend myself. But right now, I know I can’t. Even though I’m screaming from the inside. I need to make sure this doesn't go even worse. If that is even possible.  
Zayn is angry about his mother’s comment and I love that he defends me. He says something to her in Urdu (or at least that is what I assume). I know she is from England herself, but apparently she can still understand this language. To hear Urdu or whatever this is from Zayn’s mouth sounds like heaven. His rich, warm voice seems somewhat stronger. It’s lovely. I want him to speak in Urdu to me when we make out.  
I look up, feeling extremely uncomfortable. Firstly because of his mother’s rude comments and her suspicious glares and secondly because of my own thought that just crept into my mind. My naughty thought, which I really shouldn’t have when I’m meeting Zayn’s parents for the first time. Certainly since I’m only here as a friend of Zayn.  
“Do you want another glass of tea?” The mother suddenly asks more friendly again.  
I nod kindly. “Thank you.” I can’t refuse. I need to make an effort, although the mother already seems to hate me.

The rest of the afternoon went fine, thankfully. Zayn’s father asked me a couple questions, but nothing too serious. After all, I was just there as a friend. I was kind of scared for Zayn’s father, but he was a very nice man. He was calm and quiet, but polite and friendly. He didn't look at me with questioning or angry eyes, like you normally suspect with the father. It was definitely the other way around.  
After the rude comment Zayn’s mother had made, she seemed to act normal again. She was polite, smiled at me and offered me a lot of tea and sweets. But the thing that made me feel so uncomfortable was her stare. And when we said our goodbyes she intensely looked at me and said. “A friend is always welcome in our house.” She emphasized on the word ‘friend’. I really wanted to look at Zayn and communicate with him about it, but I was too scared to do that. What if we would give anything away with looking at each other?  
To be honest, I think she knows. My mother once told me: ‘a mother always knows, or at least suspects.’ Zayn’s mother probably knows or suspects that Zayn is gay and that I am his boyfriend. The question is: If she knows, what will happen? Will she approve?  
Sadly, from what I have seen, I’m not having high hopes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a very long chapter; my apologies.  
> But what did you think of this chapter? Sad/angry about the mum? Did you expect it? (for the record, I believe Patricia is a wonderful mother, this is purely for the story and it's fiction so yeah). 
> 
> Thank you for the few people that keep commenting on my story (or one person maybe lol) but anyway I really appreciate it. I just hope that more people will read and like this story...
> 
> So I would really appreciate it that if you read this that you would leave kudos or comments on my story. That way I know people enjoy it.


	23. Family

Today Niall will finally be released from prison! He was there for nearly four months! I’m really excited and happy for him that he will finally be free. As a 'welcome home gift' I arranged a little surprise party. With our club of friends we wait for him to arrive home. It’s just a small party with balloons, cake and of course the essentials: beer, joints and Hardcore Music.  
I wonder what his reaction will be. Hopefully he likes it… How would I react after such a long time in jail? I really have no idea.   
Suddenly I start to doubt myself. “Is this a good idea?” I ask the rest.  
They all nod. “I’m sure he’ll love it.” Liam says.   
I haven’t seen Liam a lot lately, but he seems so much happier. He finally has ‘his act’ together. He can do what he always wanted and get paid for it! He is so fucking lucky. I want that too.  
Bitch is mostly tired. I also don’t see her as much as I used to, but we have texted throughout the weeks. She is extremely busy with college and partly because of that she has problems with her boyfriend Michael. When she texted me about her problems with Michael I really wanted to tell her about Zayn. I think she can really help me and give me some advice. But I just didn’t dare to tell her, with the idea that Hazza might found out about Zayn. I absolutely trust Bitch, but when she has a little bit too much to drink or is a bit too high, she might spill the beans.   
Hazza is still confused and upset about everything that is going on with me. I can notice it from afar. Even in his texts it’s noticeable. I can see it in everything. Just like today when we greeted each other. Normally whenever he sees me he gets this wide grin on his face. He smiles at me like he never smiles at someone else. It always made me feel special. This time his face was more neutral and he only had a faint smile. And we always give each other a small kiss on the lips when we greet each other, but this time he only gave me a hug. I tried to act like it didn’t bothered me, but it really pained me.   
Overall he seems far more nonchalant when he looks at me. We try to be as normal as ever, but something has changed. It hurts me so fucking bad, but I can’t expect him to treat me like he did when I can’t even be honest with him.

We hear a lot of noise and rattling. We quickly move down and wait till the door opens.   
I carefully look to the door from my spot behind the couch.   
When the door opens we quickly stand up and scream in unison. “SURPRISE!”   
Nialler is startled for a short moment, but I can also see a faint smile on his face. “Fuck! You guys scared the shit out of me.” I hear sympathy in his tired voice.  
I’m relieved that he isn’t completely appalled to this idea. I would hate to disappoint another friend of mine.  
“Come, let’s have a drink.” Hazza proposes.

“It’s so crazy to be home again. I don’t feel as happy as I expected to be honest.” Nialler chuckles awkwardly. Niall is always our bouncing, cheerful buddy, but I’m glad that he is finally able to show us more than that.   
“I think that’s totally logical Nialler,” Bitch says as she takes the joint and inhales and passes it on to Liam. She blows the smoke out. “You have to get used to this again. You have been in prison for quite some time, so I understand that it can be quite weird to be home again.”  
“Yes.” Nialler agrees with a sigh.  
“We are really glad that you are home again.” Liam pats Nialler on the back.   
“Thank you guys. For everything. For visiting and stuff.”  
“No problem.” I instantly say. “But I don’t want to you see you in prison ever again, okay?”   
Nialler chuckles. “Yeah I know.”  
“You are not going to deal anymore right?” Hazza asks seriously.   
Nialler shakes his head. “No way mate. I have to be honest, it took me a while to finally realize it. It seemed like such easy money, you know? But I know it’s too dangerous.”  
“Damn right it is!” Bitch states seriously and I can’t help but to grin at that, considering all the drugs she consumes at parties.   
“I’m glad Nialler, but are they just gonna let you go like this?” Hazza questions.  
“You mean ‘my boss’?” Niall asks as he air quotes 'my boss'. He nods. "Yeah, I don’t have any debts by him or anyone for that matter. Besides, I’m still under surveillance for at least another four months and I have a weekly checkup. They would be fucking crazy to come near me; it would be too dangerous for them.”  
“That’s good I guess?” Liam inquires and everyone agrees.   
“Oh by the way, your father was really sorry he couldn’t make it. He had an important business appointment.” I say with sorrow in my voice. Nialler just got out of fucking jail and his parents aren’t even here to ‘celebrate’ it with him! What a great welcome. Not.   
“As usual.” He shrugs indifferently. He doesn’t seem to upset about it. Sadly, that is probably because he is used to it by now.   
“So what are you going to do now?” Hazza asks concerned.   
Nialler shrugs and sighs deeply. “I really don’t know.”   
“I can ask my boss if you can help a bit around the gym?” Liam proposes.   
“That would be great. Thanks Liam.” Nialler smiles relieved.  
I’m so grateful that Liam instantly tries to help him. I really have such an amazing group of friends. No matter what happens, we always stick together! Right?  
I look to my right and Hazza is looking at me with an almost sad expression. I smile at him and he briefly smiles back. It doesn’t feel like a genuine smile and I know things have to change. 

\-----------------

“LouLou!” Tom says cheerfully. I smile back at him. Since I’ve organized his birthday party and dressed up as a clown, Tom is far less annoying. It’s like he doesn’t want to irritate me, because what I have done was something so amazing and huge. Which in his eyes, it probably was. Even though I felt so incredible awful that day, it was so nice to see such a huge smile on my brother’s face. His eyes twinkled and I was just happy that I could at least make him happy.   
“Hey Tom! How are you?” I say as I ruffle his hair.  
“I made Lego spacy thing with Cas! Do u see it?” He asks excitedly.   
I nod. “That’s great, I will look in a minute. I just need to talk to mum.”  
“Okay.” He nods. You see? As long as I stay calm and show my interest he can be pretty okay.   
I walk upstairs to my parents’ bedroom. Lately my mother spends most of her time in bed. She freaking hates it, but she just still doesn’t feel good.  
“Hey mum.” I say as I enter her bedroom and sit down next to her. “How are you?”  
“Alright.” She says with tenacity in her voice, but I can hear the tiredness. “Since the antibiotics don’t seem to work I have another appointment with the doctor. They will do a bunch of tests again.”  
“More tests? Fuck, why can’t they just know what it is!” I say irritated. Aren’t doctors supposed to be genius? Well they certainly don’t act like that.   
“They think it might be an old bacterium. They have spotted little dots on my lungs and it could be a bacterium.”  
“Oh, is that bad?” I really don’t know a lot about this kind of stuff, but dots on someone’s lungs? That doesn’t sound good?  
“If it is a bacterium, they might cure it with prednisone.” My mother says hopeful.   
“Prednisone? Isn’t that what uncle John had?” I ask.   
She nods.   
I was around 9 years old, but I still remember it so clearly. My uncle John was sick and had to go to the hospital. I hadn’t seen him for at least a year, so when we visited him at the hospital I was so shocked. His whole face was blown up. It looked like some sort of football and his looked like it could burst at any moment. I really didn’t know how to react. His face seemed so abnormal. For a moment I legitimately believed that John was abducted by aliens and that the aliens had changed him.   
“I’m sorry mum.”   
“It’s okay.” She says reassuringly. “I just hope that they can finally make me feel better, even if I look like an alien.” She says with a playful wink.  
“I hope that too.” I nod. I move a little closer and she instantly embraces me in one of her motherly hugs. It’s so freaking comfy and I might be a little old for it, but right now I don’t give a fuck. I need it. My mother needs it.   
“How are you?” She says with her warm, soothing voice.  
“Nialler is out of prison, but he doesn’t feel so good.” I explain.   
“That’s understandable after such an experience.”  
“Yeah that’s true.” I agree.  
“So how are you? How are things between Zayn and you?”   
“Good.” I say with a smile on my face. Between Zayn and me it’s going amazing. We have so much fun together. We still love to argue, but that is just our thing. We get into a heated argument and before I know it we end up in my room, on my bed, in another form of heating. Sometimes when Zayn and I make out, I see flashes of me and Hazza and I suddenly start to panic. Zayn doesn’t know what happened after Tom’s birthday party and I plan to keep it that way. I just know that if I would tell or he would find out that this is over. That he doesn’t want to see me again. I don’t want that, because it’s going so well between Zayn and me.   
Sadly it isn’t just me and Zayn. It’s also about Hazza, who I can see I have hurt. He doesn’t tell me, but the change in his attitude shows me enough. Besides that there are also my other friends and his family, friends and community. Zayn told me that his father thought I was a nice, respectful boy. I asked what his mother thought and he just sighed. That was more than enough. He told me that it wasn’t personal, but he thought that she knew something was up. He said that she kept asking things to Zayn about me. I bet it wasn’t because she wanted to get to know me, but because she wanted to find out. She wanted to find out if something more was up. Luckily Zayn can act so calmly so she probably only suspects now. But what if she would find out? How would she react?   
I suddenly realize how fortunate I am with my own family. My family would only want what is best for me. And if that means that person is a guy than who the fuck cares?  
“Shall we do something fun together? You, me, dad and Tom?” I propose. It’s been a while since we have done something together as a family. Hopefully it will cheer mum up.  
“That sounds lovely.” She nods.

“Monopli!” Tom screams. Whenever I propose to do something together he always wants to play Monopoly. Although he can’t even play the game, he still wants to do it. My dad hates Monopoly and I’m not very fond of games either. Especially games like Monopoly that can take for hours. It’s just too fucking long.   
So quite logically, I’m setting up Monopoly. Don’t ask me why, it doesn’t make any sense. But it’s not even about the game, it’s about doing something together.   
I’m sorting the cards when my phone rings.  
A smile appears on my face when I see that its Zayn. “Hey Zayn.”   
“How are you?” He asks me.   
“Well, we are just getting ready to play monopoly.”  
“Monopoly? Isn’t that the game with hotels and stuff?”  
“You’ve never played it?” I ask amazed.   
“No.”  
“You can join us?” I suggest.   
“But I don’t even know how to play.”   
“Trust me.” I chuckle. “That really isn’t a problem.”  
“Okay, I would like that. Be there as quick as I can.”   
I hang up with a satisfied smile on my face. Suddenly I’m not that against playing Monopoly. When I’m bored as fuck with the game, at least my hands will be occupied, I think with a smug smile.

When he finally arrives he looks dazzling handsome like always.  
“Hey.” I greet him and I just can’t wait to kiss him again. It’s only been a day, but I’m just obsessed with kissing him.  
I kiss him intensely and don’t stop kissing and touching him until my brother whines.   
“LOU!” He screams from inside the kitchen.  
“Oh right, we have to play.” I sigh. “WE’RE COMING!” I yell back.  
“I’m glad you could come.” I smile widely at him as I softly touch his hands.  
“Me too.” Zayn beams. “Although my mother wasn’t too pleased.” He sighs. “She asked me why I spent so much of my time with you.”  
“Well no matter how she feels about us, I’m glad you introduced me to them.” I say with a smile. And that’s the truth. Zayn and I can finally see each other and he doesn’t have to lie to his parents. We just have to twist the truth a little bit. So I guess we will be playing a lot of ‘Monopoly’.   
Zayn smiles back at me. “Yeah me too, I liked it, even though it was quite awkward because of my mot-.”   
“Stop.” I shush him. “Please say something in Urdu to me.”  
He looks up at me in surprise. He holds his intense gaze on me as thinks for a moment before he says something in Urdu to me.  
I don’t know what he just said, but it still makes me glow. His eyes speak a thousand words. “What did you say?” I ask curiously.  
“I said that you are so beautiful and perfection to me. If my mother could see you through my eyes she would be so in love with you.” Zayn says with so much adoration in his voice.  
A blush spreads on my cheeks as he says those lovely words. I giggle. “You are lovely, but that would actually be quite disturbing.”   
We chuckle and hand-in-hand we walk towards my family.   
Zayn has been here for numerous times, but he never really interacted with my family. Yeah he has spoken to my mother a couple of times, but this is different. It feels different. I like this.   
“Do you know how to play?” I ask Zayn as we sit down.   
Zayn shakes his head.  
I’m surprised; he really has never played Monopoly! I nod and try to explain the basics to him.   
He quickly understands the game and we are all ready to play.   
“Yes! I want dog!” Tom immediately grabs the dog charm.

We play, or better said, just do whatever we want. Tom takes money from the bank whenever he thinks he needs it. When Zayn can’t afford to buy a station Tom gives him money from dad’s own bank. We are all laughing very loudly. It’s just so amazing. My mother looks so happy and delighted. And even my father, who always has something to complain about, has a satisfied smile on his face. He really seems to think Zayn is okay. Maybe even more than just okay.  
It gives me such a wonderful feeling inside that my family really seems to like him. We have so much fun together. In this moment I feel even more in love with Zayn than I already did.  
A few months ago I couldn’t imagine falling in love with the boy I hated so much. But now, as I see him, I understand. There are still a lot of issues and unsolved problems around us, but this, me and Zayn, feels right. And suddenly it hits me. I know what to do.   
I am going to tell Hazza. I am going to tell Hazza about Zayn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally Louis will tell Hazza! Finally, am I right?  
> What did you think of this chapter? I hope you liked it!
> 
> I would really love it if you would share your opinion, vote, comment, share or whatever!  
> And I know that my story doesn't have a lot of viewers/reads and also not a lot of 'hits'. How can I have more people to read this? I personally like this story (or course, else I wouldn't write it), but I know I'm not the best writer, but I think it's worth more kudos or not?
> 
> Oh and lastly: about the sickness of Louis' mother (in the story), this isn't made up: I know someone who has these issues!


	24. The moment of truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a new chapter!  
> I haven't been able to upload because I wasn't feeling well. I hope to upload frequently but because of my health I can't always promise!
> 
> And besides that I was so upset about the tweets from Louis' twitter account. I know it wasn't Louis, because he seems like such an incredible and loving person and in interviews and stuff he showed that he loves all his fans! But it made me so sad and angry that they are going through so much lengths to 'prove' Louis isn't gay and that he is upset because someone wrote a positive article about him support LGBT rights! Fucking absurd and ridiculous! So that really freaked me out, what about you guys? Just know that I love you no matter what gender, sexual orientation, race, religion or anything <3
> 
> Lastly I want to thank the people that comment/give feedback on this story! That really means the world to me <3

After I came to the conclusion that I really wanted to tell Hazza about Zayn I panicked. Of course I panicked, what did you expect? I kept imagining the worst-case scenarios in my head. I kept asking myself ‘is this a good idea?’. I knew it was the right thing to do, but not a good thing.  
It literally took me over a day to gather all my courage and finally call Hazza. I told him that I wanted to talk to him. I didn't even have to tell him more, it was like he could already hear, merely by my voice, that it wasn't just a normal talk. That it wasn't just a normal day with cuddles and a movie. When I hung up I really believed I heard him mumble ‘finally’.  
Lately things haven’t been like they used to be. I know that it’s entirely my fault because I couldn't be honest with him. I couldn't be honest to the person that means most to me. Even though I have told him before that nothing is wrong, he knows it. He knows something is up. And I also know how much it kills him that I can’t be honest with him. It pains him that I keep something to myself. He has no fucking clue what it is, but he knows something is different.  
As much as I fear the moment like I never have in my entire life, I really want to tell him. Or better yet, I need to. If I want things to be like they used to be (although in my mind I know they probably won’t) I need to fix this. I need to tell him. This is so important to me and I can’t leave him out of this. Hazza is too important for me.

It’s been at least an hour since I’ve called Hazza and I told him that I would come over as quickly as possible. A part of me just really wants to do it and get it over with, but the biggest part of me is too fucking scared.  
In this last hour I’ve tried to convince myself that this is not a big deal. I kept repeating to myself that it will all be fine. That he will be absolutely fine with it. But the thing is, I know he won’t. I have no idea what will happen if I tell him, but I’m positive that he won’t congratulate me with tears of joy. Do you remember how he reacted when he thought I was in love with Liam? He was such a pathetic, jealous and agitated boy. He hated it, so how can he be okay with this?  
He can’t, because this is not what he wants. Hazza wants it to be like it used to be. Just Hazza and Lou. The thing is, I desperately want that too. I feel like that would solve a lot of my problems. Besides that, I would be so happy. I wouldn't have to worry about his family finding out, or that his friends suspect that we are a couple. I wouldn’t have to argue about every single detail. Hazza knows me inside and out. It would make it so much better and easier. But something inside me is yearning for those problems, for all those difficulties. It’s something thrilling. It’s Zayn.  
“Shouldn’t you go sweetie?” Mother gently smiles at me.  
When I finally came to the conclusion that I wanted to tell Hazza about Zayn I felt so anxious. After Zayn left the house I was literally shaking and pacing restlessly around the room. Of course my mother noticed my odd behavior, especially after the wonderful time I just had with Zayn and my family. So suddenly, as she asked me the common words ‘What’s wrong sweetheart?’ I just blurted it out. It was like a waterfall. I rambled on about everything that has happened. I honestly don’t know for how long I had been ranting, but she continued to listen and calming me by caressing my hair. Afterwards I felt guilty (again) because I saw how tired she was. She isn’t healthy enough to hear about my dramatic teen life, but at that moment I just didn't think about that. For me it’s not just some drama, it’s so much more than that. My mother knows that. She knows how nervous I am.  
“Sweetheart?” My mother asks me carefully.  
And now, the moment of truth has finally arrived. It’s time to go, I can’t go back.  
“You’re right, I’m going.” I sigh very deeply.  
She gives me an encouraging nod and wishes me luck. She looks proudly in my direction. Is this something to be proud of? That I can finally be honest with my best friend? I would rather call it pathetic. I can’t even tell my best friend about this without being scared out of my mind. But that is just it. Hazza isn't just my best friend. My family knows it, Zayn knows it and I know it. Hazza is my everything. And I can’t lose everything.

\-----------------

The moment I arrive at Hazza’s house the front door swings open. Hazza. I’m startled for a short moment as I look at him with big, terrified eyes. You have no idea how relieved I am to see my Hazza, but at the same time I’ve never felt so incredible fearful.  
“Do I look that bad today?” He says jokingly, or at least he attempts to joke. The worry on his face and in his voice shows me that he is just as nervous. It was just a small gesture to ease us, because you can cut our tension with a knife. The tension is so evident, it’s overpowering us.  
So instead of replying with a teasing joke, I decide to just smile at him.  
“Mum is home, but we can go to my room?” Hazza suggests.  
I nod relieved. “Yeah.” I love Anne so much, she is like my second mother, but right now I can’t bear to see her. One look at my face and she will start to worry.  
We immediately go to his room and before I can even sit down he cuts right to the chase. “What did you wanted to tell me?” He urges me. Hazza doesn’t even sit down but stands in the middle of the room, waiting for me to say something.  
I’ve prepared all different kinds of monologues. I’ve rehearsed them over and over again in my head, but as I look into his worried eyes, I’ve seem to forget everything. This is not the same like when you rehearse it. This is the moment of truth and I just really, really need to take a piss.  
“I’m sorry.” I begin doubtfully. I really don’t know what else to say than I am sorry. I am sorry for so many things.  
“Fuck Louis, just tell me.” He says with clear irritation in his voice.  
I’m surprised by his quick agitation, but I could have seen this coming. Of course he doesn’t want to listen to my apologies over and over again, while I burst out of tears and he tries to soothe and comfort me. Just like what happened last time. He wants answers and I have to give it to him. That is the least he deserves.  
“I have a boyfriend.” Fuck. It pours out of my mouth like vomit and I want to take it all back. Collect it quickly and take it back in, maybe even lock it in a cage.  
At the same time, some tension seems to leave my muscles. It feels like a part of me can breathe, just a little part though. It’s finally out in the open and I can’t do anything anymore. I can’t take it back. It’s not in my hands anymore. I’ve lost control, but I pray to God I haven’t lost Hazza.  
“What?” He asks me confused; he seems to be completely taken aback by my confession.  
He shakes his head and stares at the ground. He seems utterly confused, like he can’t comprehend this news.  
I can tell, just by looking at his whole posture, that he is thinking extremely hard. He probably accuses himself for not knowing and he will probably relive the last few months and questions everything. Hazza mumbles incoherent, shaking his head.  
“Can you please say anything? Ask me anything.” I plead.  
“To be honest, I don’t know what to say.” He stares at me blankly and slightly shakes his head. “I really don’t know.” He sighs deeply. It looks like his brain is on overdrive. I know he is questioning everything right now. The blank expression is still on his face, but there is also a big frown on his forehead.  
I don’t know what he is thinking. Should I tell him more? Or should I just wait till he asks me something?  
I decide to wait and let him take in this, probably very shocking news. I’m nervously fidgeting with my hands as I wait. My mind is racing as well. What does he think? Is he mad? Is he surprised? Disappointed?  
“Who?” He asks me all of a sudden.  
I swallow. “Zayn.”  
“Zayn? Wait- Zayn? Zayn the guy you had that fight with, who hit you? The guy that –” He doesn’t finish his sentence as he nervously rubs his hands in circling motions.  
I nod my head in embarrassment. From the beginning I have told Hazza how much I hated Zayn, how we fought at school. He knew how much I hated Zayn and Hazza was always there to support and comfort me. As usual.  
“FUCK!” He suddenly screams. I can hear the frustration in his voice, the rage building up inside of him.  
“I know it’s unbelievable, but yes. It’s Zayn.” 

After a moment of uncomfortable silence he speaks again. “You lied to me.” Hazza states with sadness and exhaustion.  
“I’m so sorry.” I instantly beg. “I am so sorry for lying to you. I–.”  
He interjects me. “Stop!” He sighs frustrated and with clear irritation in his voice he says; “STOP with the shit apologies. I don’t fucking want to hear it, goddammit!”  
I slightly flinch. I’ve never heard him cuss as much as now. I want to say I’m sorry again, but I know that will only make him more furious. Believe me, Hazza is the calmest person I know, but if he is really, really angry he can be absolutely terrifying. I’ve only seen it once and I never want to see it again. “FUCK Louis, I don’t know what to say.” He grabs a fistful of his hair and pulls at it. He seems so extremely frustrated. He seems so freaking upset and it takes so much power not to grovel or cry.  
“For how long?” Hazza asks steady, but harsh.  
His low, persistent, angry voice sets me off. How long? I don’t know for how long.  
I try to remember when I suddenly hear a low growl. “HOW FUCKING LONG?” He screams.  
I burst out in tears. Why do I always fucking cry? I don’t want to cry, but I can’t help it. “I- I don’t know. I’m sorry.” I say between hiccups.  
“I don’t want your FUCKING APOLOGY! SHIT! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?” He yells in pure anger and desperation.  
I keep on crying, I’m shaking very hard. I don’t know what to do, I have never seen Hazza like this. “I- I love you.” Is all that I manage to get out between my cries. I want to repeat I am sorry over and over again, want to beg, tell him this is all a lie. I don’t want Hazza to be upset or angry with me. I want things to be okay again. “I love you Hazza.” I say desperately, crying out loud. My heart feels like it’s pounding violently in my chest.  
“Please go Louis.” Hazza says coldly as he walks back and forth the room, fingers still pulling at his own hair.  
“I don’t want to go.” I cry. I need Hazza. I need to know things are still okay, although right now they clearly don’t seem okay. Hazza is pacing around the room, hands clenched into a fist and he keeps mumbling. He keeps shaking his head, questioning everything.  
“Do you still love me?” I ask between sobs. My heart is pounding in my chest and it feels broken. I need to hear it. Need him to confirm it.  
Hazza only responds with another plea for me to go, and that makes me cry even harder. I can’t leave. Not like this.  
“I- I can’t believe this.” He murmurs to himself, but this time loud enough for me to hear it. I want to make this okay, I don’t want this. “Please Hazza, don't. I need you.”  
“GO!” He yells again in a desperate manner.  
I can’t see through the pool of tears but out of nowhere I hear a loud bang against the wall and my heart stops for a split second from the sudden intense sound to my left ear. In complete shock I look to my left and see broken pieces of glass shattered on the ground.  
“Please go Louis, please go before I do something I regret.” He says harshly. His expression alone says enough. He looks at me with pure anger and even from a small distance I can see his chest rising up and down.  
And suddenly, through my pain and tears, I know I have to leave. This is not Hazza right now. I don't know what he's capable of when he is as angry as he is now.  
I quickly emerge from the room and practically run out of his house. I run as fast as I can go, my heart racing. My whole body is shaken.  
In that short moment, after he threw something at the wall and looked at me with so much anger, I was absolutely petrified of Hazza. I’ve never been so scared of him.  
And I’ve never felt so broken because of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys hate me after this sad chapter? What did you think? And what do you think will happen now?  
> Just want to clear one thing up; this is just for the drama of this fanfiction, all FICTION! xx


	25. Love Hurts

I’m lying in my bed, crying loudly. My heart feels shattered, broken. My chest never felt so tight, so painful. I feel like I am gasping for air, like there is almost no air in my lungs.  
It’s been hours after my terrible fight with Hazza but I still haven’t stopped crying. My chest hurts from all the crying, but I’m just not able to stop. I feel suffocated, but at the same time lost, without Hazza.  
Normally whenever I sort of feel like this, I would have Hazza to comfort me. But right now it’s Hazza who did this. And that’s more than I can cope with. It hurts within the deepest of my heart. It pains me so much that I physically feel ill. I literally can’t breathe without him.  
It’s just… I’m so shattered and heartbroken. Have I really lost Hazza? I don’t even want to think about that for a brief moment, knowing it will make me stop breathing. I know I haven’t lost him. I simply just can’t. I can’t lose my Hazza. I’ll do anything to have him back, even after he scared the shit out of me.  
I was so freaking terrified of Hazza after he threw something at the wall and stared at me with pure anger in his eyes, just thinking back about that moment makes me want to cry even harder. It’s like I’m reliving that moment again. That moment I felt like Hazza didn’t love me anymore. As if we didn’t belong anymore.  
I scream it out in panic, frustration and in pain. I don’t know what to do to make this pain go away. I feel so hopeless. I need my Hazza.

When I barged into the house after the fight with Hazza, my mother instantly knew something was wrong. She quickly called Tom over to her so I could have my peace. If I was in my right mind at that time I would have thanked her. Instead I just ran to my room, smashed the door shut and lay down in utter panic. I immediately started crying again, sobbing loudly.  
After I don’t know for how long my mum carefully opened my door and sat down next to me. At first she just rubbed her hand along my back. Normally it would have calmed me down, but this time it didn’t work. I was in such a bad state and I didn’t know how to get out of it.  
Things became even worse when she said her common caring words ‘oh honey’. I don’t know what happened, but it was like those words set me off. All of a sudden I screamed out in utter desperation. My body shook like it had never done before. I moved around restless in my bed, from one position to another. I was clasping the sheets, throwing the sheets of me, sitting down, crying, screaming and even laughing. It was a tangle of emotions and movements. My chest was rising, my heartbeat was out of control and my muscles were tensed. It was like I wasn’t there anymore. It was like something had grasped me and took control over me. I couldn’t control my emotions, my body and even my breath. It was incredible overwhelming and terrifying. It was like I became a maniac. I truly felt crazy and my father had to come in to pin me down. He hugged me extremely tight, more like he was suffocating me, to calm me down. After a while it helped. I was still crying and shaking, but my muscles slightly relaxed, my heartbeat evened out and I could finally breathe again.  
When I was almost completely in control of myself my father left the room and let me and my mother talk. Well mainly she just hugged me and comforted me. I wasn’t ready to talk, I couldn’t talk.  
So after a while she decided to leave me alone, but before she closed my door she told me that Zayn had called me. I felt the panic rising in my chest again. I didn’t want to speak to Zayn and I still don’t want to talk to him and I definitely don’t want to see him. I can’t bear it right now. I’m incredible furious at Zayn. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have this fight with Hazza. If it wasn’t for Zayn all these problems wouldn’t have been here. Deep down I know that it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair to accuse Zayn of this, but right now I’m not able to think rational. I’m too heartbroken.  
I’m scared that if I’ll answer Zayn’s calls that I would just shout at him. I would accuse him of this and basically off all my other problems. I would scream at him and I would do anything in my power to hurt him. To yell at him and say that I never want to see him again. That it’s over. And if I would do that, I know that it will be over. He will never forgive me for my unjustified outburst. And that would mean all this pain was for nothing. Then I won’t only have lost Hazza, but also Zayn. I can’t handle this, how can I handle being completely alone?

\-----------------

I cried myself to sleep and when I woke up a few hours ago, I felt sick. Not just emotionally sick, but also physically sick. I threw up some nasty slime from my stomach. It didn’t content any food, because I haven’t eaten anything since my fight with Hazza.  
I’m still lying in my bed, feeling extremely nauseous and weak, but I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to move, do anything. I feel like I deserve this. I need to feel physically sick and weak to even remotely come close to how I feel emotionally.  
Surprisingly my mother hasn’t told me to move, to go to school. Normally if I would stay in bed she would yell at me and tell me to hurry for school. It seems like she understands that this is not a poor excuse to miss school.  
I knew beforehand that Hazza wouldn’t be okay we this. I knew he would be upset, although I never imagined that he would be as angry as he was. Still, I knew I shouldn’t have told him about Zayn. I just fucking knew it but stupid me had to ruin everything. As usual.  
Now Hazza is angrier at me than he has ever been before.  
We have had fights before, but we always made up. The fights made us stronger, better. But now I feel like it won’t be okay. I never felt like this and definitely not because of Hazza. I’ve never been afraid of him in my life. I know, without having spoken to him that he feels terrible about what he has done. I know him so well that he is probably beating himself up with regret. Regret of his actions. Just as I regret mine.  
I regret telling him about Zayn. I can’t feel liberated or relieved because I told him. It suffocates me, because I can’t live without Hazza. I feel a few tears fallen from my face onto my pillow. I’m surprised that I still have tears left. My throat is too broken to wail, but I’m still silently sobbing. I really don’t know what to do. I feel like everything I do only makes it worse.

“Lou?” I hear Hazza’s whispered tone coming from behind the door. I let out a long, exhausted sigh. Somehow feeling like crying again, but this time because I’m relieved. Relieved that Hazza is here.  
“Lou?” He asks again, very quietly, voice raw.  
I can hear by his voice that he has been crying. He stands behind the door and I know that he will wait to enter until I tell him to come in. He knows he crossed the line when he threw something to the wall pretty near to me.  
“Yeah.” I say softly. Yesterday was the first time I felt threatened by Hazza. I’ve never shaken so hard or felt my heart pounded with so much force in my chest. My father can raise his voice, sometimes even hit me, Zayn can look at me with pure hatred in my eyes, but still I have never been so scared in my life. Never been so broken.  
The door carefully creaks open and I hear hesitantly footsteps coming over to me. My back is facing the door and Hazza. I want to turn around in my bed and look at him, but I’m physically not able to move.

Hazza sits down and also lets out a very emotional sigh. He heavily breathes in and out before he begins to talk. “I can’t tell you how ashamed I am, how much remorse I have over how I reacted and what I did. All I ever wanted to do was be there for you. I wanted to protect you, love you.” I hear Hazza softly sob. “I just wanted to be everything you needed, but I couldn’t. I let you down. I’m so incredible sorry and so full of guilt. I would do anything to take that back. I was so close to h-“ He doesn’t finish he sentence. Probably the words alone leave him with an extremely painful feeling in the gut.  
I have to say that I don’t want to hear them either, because I knew, I felt, that he was so close to hurting me with that glass. And just the realization of that makes it feel like thousands of knives are stabbing my heart.  
“I can never excuse or explain my actions that will make this right in anyway, but please know that the reason – even though it’s too fucked up – is that I care so incredible deeply for you. It pained me so much that you lied to me. It felt like I wasn’t enough for you.”  
I slightly nod. I know his actions come from pure love and I know he would never be able to physically hurt me. Even in his pure rage, he could still slightly control himself. Instead of hurting me in the moment of pure anger and pain, he still smashed the glass to the wall.  
“I don’t know were all that rage came from.” He continues. “I think it’s a mix of everything. I already felt so agitated the last two weeks. I didn’t know what was wrong with you and I was so worried. I felt so weak, because I couldn’t do anything. And then you suddenly planned this bomb on me by telling me you have a boyfriend. I felt so betrayed. It can never excuse my behavior, but I just – I had to come. I needed to see you.”  
“I need you to Haz, more than you will ever know.” I breathe out. Part of the hurt, of the feeling like I’m suffocated, seems to vanish.  
“Can I touch you?” He carefully asks.  
And it’s the most stupid thing he had ever asked. It’s even sadder that he feels like he needs to ask me for permission. It makes all the pain, all the trouble, feel more real.  
I nod and he carefully lays his hand on my neck. With his thumb he softly strokes my neck.  
“I felt so incredible awful after what happened.”  
“Me too.” I whisper. Speaking hurts my throat after all the crying and screaming that I have done for the last 24 hours. “Felt like I couldn’t breathe.” I tell him.  
As I tell him those words I hear a sob escape Hazza’s mouth. “God Louis, I’m so sorry. I love you so much.”  
I hear Hazza moving closer to me before I feel a small kiss on the back of my head. It feels warm and pleasant and after everything that has happened, it feels so good. Almost normal. But I know it isn’t. Hazza isn’t the only one who should apologize. Yes, for his outburst he should, but other than that it’s my entire fault. I was the one who lied to him about Zayn. I was the one who kept it a secret for so long.  
With all the energy I have left I turn around so that I can face him as I tell him: “I will break up with him.”  
He shakes his head in confusion. “What? Why?”  
“If that is what you want, I would do that.”  
“You would do that for me?” He asks amazed.  
If I wasn’t so tired and sick I would have rolled my eyes and hit him in the chest. Now I can only slightly shake my head in confusion. “How can you even ask me that? I would do anything for you. You are the most important person in my life. Always have been, always will.”  
He smiles at my confession. Although he already knows this, after what happened, he just needed to hear that. He gives me another kiss, this time on my cheek.  
Hazza shakes his head. “No I don’t want you to break up with him. I’m still processing what you told me yesterday though. I was in shock and so furious. First of all because it’s Zayn. You told me how much you hated that guy! For Christ’s sake Louis, he even put you in a hospital! I can’t just forget about that!” He says aggravated. “And mainly.” He adds. “I knew something was up, but you didn’t tell me. You lied to me! That hurts so fucking bad. It literally killed me.”  
My throat is itching and swelling, but I have to tell him. “I’m so sorry I lied to you, you have no idea how much it’s been eating me up. I feel so terrible. I really wanted to tell you sooner, but I was so scared of losing you. That is the reason Hazza. I can’t lose you.” I say anxiously.  
“Why would you lose me? You will never lose me.” He states determined as he stares at me.  
“But after what happened with Liam, you told me you wanted thinks to be the way they are before.”  
“Yeah of course, I still want that.” He nods. “I just love you so much Louis.”  
“I love you too Haz.” I say emotionally, yet again I feel tears falling down my cheek.  
“Hey love, don’t cry. We'll be okay.” He assures me.  
“Yeah?” I inquire.  
“Yeah.” Hazza faintly smiles at me before he comes closer to give me a warm, tight hug.  
I know I’m filthy right now and I probably smell like shit, but I just need to feel Hazza close to me. I tighten my arms around him, needing him extremely close to me. Feeling him. Afraid of letting him go. Needing to be with each other, holding onto each other. Like without the other we can’t breathe. Like without each other we are emotionally and physically not able to live.  
“What now?” I mumble in thought.  
Hazza slightly moves away and looks at me. “I just want you to be happy Lou.” Hazza says as he gently moves a strand of hair out of my face. He sighs deeply. “And if that is with Zayn, than that’s okay.”  
“You sure?” I ask dubiously.  
Hazza nods and he lies down next to me. “I’m sure.”  
I finally feel at rest and at home. Knowing it will all be okay. I breathe out in relief and after all the exhaustion I feel myself drifting off to sleep.  
I’m too far dozed off to hear the words that Hazza quietly whispers in my ear. “I just want you Lou. Only you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think about this chapter? I personally really liked it (though I always feel stupid saying that about my own story/chapters). But I do feel sorry for Hazza =(
> 
> I would really love it if you would vote, comment or share my story. It keeps me motivated when I hear that people like this story.  
> Also if you don't like this, I would also appreciate feedback.
> 
> Oh lastly, I just uploaded a new One Shot called Gay Cruise (it's pure smut & fluff). If you like smut & fluff, you could check it out =)
> 
> Anyway, have a lovely day <3


	26. Happiness

After Hazza and I pretty much made up, I felt so much better. I felt so relieved and it felt like I could breathe again. I know things are not perfect yet, but they are so much better. Probably even better than the last few months have been. It was me who made all this mess. I lied to Hazza for so long with the idea that I would have lost him otherwise. I panicked and before I knew it I didn’t know how to change things. It felt like I lived this double life.   
Now, everything is in the open. I don’t have any secrets towards Hazza anymore and that makes me feel so good. I can finally be around him without feeling guilty. Without feeling like I have to hide something.   
I fell asleep within minutes with Hazza closely by my side. I needed him so much, needed to know things were okay and needed to know that he still loved me. And it did. It worked out after all. All thanks to my wonderful Hazza.   
I obviously haven’t forgotten the fight that happened two days ago, but I don’t feel that upset about it anymore. As terrible as I felt, I know things are okay. At least I hope so.   
Hazza was already gone when I woke up, but he did left a wonderful note:  
Hey beautiful, didn’t want to wake you. I went to college. Hope you feel better. I love you and I just want you to be happy. Call you soon. Love, H. x

As I rolled out of bed, feeling weak because of the lack of food and water in my system, I finally dared to look at my phone. I had ignored Zayn for the last two days, not able to speak or see him. The messages on my phone increased quickly and they changed from just casual, sweet messages, into worried messages and calls.   
After a quick shower and some food and water, I finally replied. I apologized for my absence and told him that I wanted to speak to him. I proposed that he would come to my house after school, since I wasn’t fit enough to go to school. I instantly got a message back that he would come as quick as possible.  
I smiled. I smiled because of Hazza and I smiled because of Zayn. 

\----------

When Zayn finally arrives I immediately explain what happened. Of course I let out some of the details, knowing it would only make things worse. I mostly just tell him the good news.   
At first he seems a bit apprehensive, probably still a bit irritated about the fact that I have ignored him for two days. But as I keep telling him about what happened, his mood seems to change quite quickly.   
“He just wants me to be happy and if that’s with you, he is okay with that.” I say with a proud smile, feeling immense love for Hazza. He would do anything for my happiness.   
“I’m so happy.” Zayn hugs me tightly. Normally whenever I even mention Hazza I can see Zayn’s mood change. It’s like he is suddenly Grumpy Cat, looking extremely annoyed. Now though, he can’t be more excited. A huge smile plays across his face.   
I’m drained and exhausted from everything that has happened, but overall I feel good. Really good. You have no idea how happy it makes me that Hazza wants to give Zayn a chance. When he said those lovely words it felt like a heavy weight fell off my shoulders.  
“This is good.” Zayn smiles as he squeezes my hand. “One less thing to worry about.”  
I nod in agreement. Although for me it’s not just one thing. It is everything. Hazza is everything. I knew from the get-go that if Hazza didn’t want me to be with Zayn, I simply just wouldn’t be. I know that’s just plainly harsh, but it is the truth. As much as I am in love with Zayn, Hazza is more important to me.   
But Hazza is okay with it. He wants me to be happy and that makes me feel so wonderful. So wonderful, that I don’t even care about the rest anymore. I don’t care about Zayn’s suspicious mother or the fact that Zayn’s friends might never know about us. Okay… knowing myself, I will have problems with that eventually, but right now I honestly don’t care. I just feel so good, so at ease. I just feel so lucky with both of them.   
“Do you want to meet him?” I ask carefully. As much as Zayn may be delighted that Hazza basically gave his approval, I’m not quite sure if Zayn wants to meet Hazza, and vice versa.  
“Who?”   
“Who do you think? The Queen of England course!” I say sarcastically.  
“The Queen? Nah I’m not a big fan of the Royal family.” Zayn replies teasingly. “No, I would like to meet Hazza… I think.” He slightly frowns.  
“I would love for you to meet him.” I smile at him. I’m not going to tell him that I’m scared shitless of them meeting each other. Today is not a day of worry. Today is a day of happiness.  
Zayn slightly moves until his leg is brushing mine. He turns his head towards me.   
He sighs with a sad expression. “I’m sorry.”  
Without him having to tell where he is sorry for, I know what this is about. He is sorry for not doing the same thing. For not telling his friends about us.  
“Hey.” I say as I tilt his chin up to meet my eyes again. I move towards him until I’m just a few inches away. “I know you’re trying and I’m really thankful.” I know how much he is trying, like when he introduced me to his family. I know he tries, but he needs to take it slow, one step at a time. He once told me that some of his friends suspect he is gay, but it’s something they never speak about. It’s a secret and it’s supposed to be like that. It’s something that has to be kept silent. I can’t even imagine how it must feel to be in such a position. To know that who you are is something your religion, your culture and your friends, don’t want to acknowledge, don’t agree with.  
I briefly smile at him before I give him a lingering kiss on the lips.

\-----------------

Yesterday I decided not to go to school (surprisingly with permission of my mum) and instead I visited Hazza after he was done with his lecture. It was good to see Hazza again and to feel him in my arms again. We hugged each other for a long time, just as last time. It’s like we needed to be together, feel each other. He sighed in my embrace and somehow it felt a bit sad. I ignored that feeling, wanted everything to be okay again. So we did what we do most of our times spent together; watch a movie on his beanbag with his cat and cuddle together. Although I wanted everything to be normal, it didn't feel like that. Things are still a bit odd between us and that is extremely weird. Never have I felt unfamiliar when it comes to Hazza. Never did it feel weird. Yes I know that in the eyes of other people our relationship is bizarre, but we honestly don't care. We knew what we were and it felt right. It felt wonderful. It felt as if we belonged there, just how things were.  
But as much as I don’t want to acknowledge it, things have changed. The fight is still in the back of our minds. And probably more importantly things really do have changed; I have a boyfriend and Hazza knows about it. Somehow it does change us. It’s not really that something has happened; it was a feeling that lingered in the room. An awkward, painful feeling.  
I basically knew this was going to happen and I hate it. I hate that it has to affect the relationship I have with Hazza, but I have to deal with it. I have to deal with the fact that things are different now. Somehow, unspoken, we have to make new rules and new ways of interacting and being with each other.   
As much as I don’t want to change things, I know we will be okay. I still have my Hazza and I can finally be with Zayn without feeling guilty. This is not the perfect way that I hoped for everything to work out, but this is reality. And as much as that hurts sometimes, it’s also very wonderful.

And today I finally went to school again, but I wasn't able to concentrate. All I wanted to do is touch Zayn. That isn’t something new, but the big difference today was that Zayn couldn't concentrate either. He couldn't keep his hands of me and instead of paying attention to the teachers in front of us he kept glancing at me. Looking at me with so much desire it made me wanted to ravish him right there. I wanted to jump on his lap, kiss him violently. Groping his body and grinding myself against him. Luckily I could control my thirst at school and mainly kept it at teasing him.

\-----------------

We practically run up to Zayn’s room, giggling like little school girls. Since our talk about Hazza, it’s like something is different between us. It’s like we both feel this huge relief which results into lust.   
Luckily we both could hold in our lust for a couple of hours at school, but when we know we are alone in Zayn’s house (Zayn thoroughly checked his whole house), we can’t.  
The moment I close Zayn’s bedroom door he is suddenly behind me, pressing his body against me, kissing my neck. He softly nibbles at the skin, making me hum in pleasure. I'm pleasantly surprised by his forceful behavior, after all it is his house. We are alone, but still.  
His hands trace my body, softly feeling every inch of my body. He lingers on my waist and slightly pinches it.  
I yelp in surprise, body twitching.   
He chuckles before he gives my neck even more pressure, sucking on the skin.  
I feel his warm touch linger inside me.   
His hand moves back to my waist and they slowly trail down. His warm hands carefully move under my shirt, slightly lifting my shirt up in the process. Making my body shiver from his touch and the cold air that hits my bare skin.  
His fingernails gently scrape on my torso and my back arches into the touch. Feeling needy and wanting.   
I turn around until I'm at eye level with Zayn. He stares at me with an enticing look, making my stomach flip.   
I move towards him and give him a small kiss on the mouth.   
The kiss gets more heated, more touching of skin and before I can control myself I let out a long, whiny grunt.  
All of a sudden Zayn detaches his lips from mine.  
“Shush!” He whispers, eyes slightly widen in panic, hands frozen on my hips. “I heard something.”  
Abruptly, the heated moment seems to be lost.

Zayn moves away from me and I want to whine from the sudden loss of contact and warmth of his touch and body.  
He looks so stressed and panicked, just by a single sound. I know why. We are in his house and the last time I was here, I couldn't even hold his hand. Besides the immense feeling of lust, Zayn probably also feels cautious and slightly jittery. He is worried that someone will catch us making out.  
Zayn opens his door again and he listens intently. “Hello?” He screams.  
No answer.  
“It’s probably nothing.” I assure him.  
“Hold on.” He whispers and he walks out of the room. I hear him walk downstairs and I frown. Is he seriously that scared? It’s not like we wouldn't hear it if someone would come upstairs… but apparently he needs to be really sure.

In a heartbeat he is back, looking a little better. “The coast is clear.”   
But instead of taking up where we left off, he moves past me towards his desk. He slightly bends over the desk, opening his laptop. Is he seriously just letting this go? Does he really expect me to just forget about my cravings and instead go watch a movie together?  
“What are you doing?” I whisper. I'm not entirely sure why I am whispering, but I am.  
I move towards him as I see him searching through his series and he eventually clicks on House M.D..   
“House?” I ask in surprise. Is he fucking serious?  
“Yeah, just in case someone comes home. We need to have something on, so they will think we’re watching a series.” He says in all seriousness.   
If I wasn't so horny I would have been completely bewildered by his crazy plan. “You really thought this true huh?” I ask in amazement as I push my body against his slightly bend body.   
“Yeah.” He breathes out and adds. “House is definitely not sexy.”  
“House isn’t sexy?” I reply as I graze my fingernails on his arms. “Have you seen his eyes?”   
Zayn chuckles and turns around. “I meant the series.”  
“Oh.” I smile in adoration. What a weird boy.   
“I chose an episode that doesn't have any sexual content in it.”  
I roll my eyes. “Way to kill the mood.” I say dryly.  
He chuckles, moves his laptop until the screen is pointed towards the bed and turns around to me with a soft smile.   
“What about a real date?” I suddenly propose.   
“A date?” He questions.  
I nod. “Yeah… We’ve never been on a real date. It’s always us in my or your room.”   
“I kinda like it.” Zayn smirks at me and attaches his lips to mine again.  
I automatically kiss him back, as if my lips crave to be touched by Zayn’s.   
Zayn detaches his lips from mine as he speaks. “Yeah.” He breathes out. “I would love that.”  
I smile. “Okay.”  
“Okay.” He nods as he trails his fingers down my arms.   
The heated moment seems to be on full speed again. Before I know it we are kissing roughly, fighting for dominance. It’s a sloppy and eager kiss and the roughness of his stubble occasionally scratches my skin. But it’s so wonderful.   
We break the kiss for a short moment as we lie down on his bed. I crawl on top of Zayn and continue to kiss and touch him. We are rutting our bodies together, going further and wilder each time. Our movements almost violently, making me a panting (attempting in silence) mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have mixed emotions about this chapter... but yeah... I updated again! And I do hope you liked some heated ;) Zouis moments.
> 
> I want to thank the people that are still reading this and have left comments (you guys really are so amazing <3)!   
> I hope more people on AO3 will read this and if you have any feedback tell me, I always appreciate it! 
> 
> Have a good day xx


	27. Introduction

They say you can instinctively feel things. When something bad is going to happen, you know in advance. Like a bad vibe that surrounds you, your gut feeling. Sadly that is bullshit.

The day started as a normal day. After shutting down my alarm and falling asleep again for at least 15 minutes, my brother Tom woke me up with too much enthusiasm. As usual I wanted to shove him out of my room, but for the last couple of weeks I’m trying to be more thoughtful. So I gently told him to fuck off. Afterwards my mother came into the room, yelling. Normally that would piss me off, but this was the first time I felt happy about it. Happy that she even had the energy to yell at me. It has only been a few days since she is on prednisone, but I can already see some little changes. Especially in her eyes, they have a little life in them again. It made me so happy that I stood up without arguing.   
As I got down for breakfast my father was his cranky self again. He kept muttering behind the newspaper as he ate a sandwich. Muttering about his work and how people make the most stupid mistakes. I didn’t listen and I just quickly shoved a sandwich in my mouth and left the house.

When I came at school I felt pretty good. I greeted Zayn with a small kiss and an over the top fond look. There are still some people who gape at us or make nasty comments, but most of the students don’t even care anymore. The biggest fascination for two guys (one an English gabber and one a Pakistani Muslim) seems to be gone.  
All through the first few lessons it felt like it was a normal day: me trying to concentrate (not really trying) and irritating Zayn by teasing and touching him. My phone was on silent the whole time and I didn’t check it.   
At lunch break Zayn and I sat outside, as usual. We never talk to anyone else and just sit with each other. I can only be grateful about it since I hate every student in this school, especially the ones in my class. I looked at Zayn who was staring in the distance. He does that a lot, just sitting and staring. Not talking. He likes it that way. Of course I always need to be preoccupied so I decided to check my phone. The first thing I noticed was two missed calls from Bitch. I started to freak out. Yeah, she likes to talk and talk for hours, but she basically never calls during school hours. Especially not twice. My first reaction was that there was something wrong with her. Did something happen with Michael? Or something else?   
But then I quickly realized why she called. She knows about Zayn and me. Hazza told her! He couldn’t keep his big mouth shut. Dammit Hazza! I really wanted to tell her myself. I knew she would be totally offended that I haven’t told her.

I immediately called her back and offered my apology before she could even say ‘hello’.   
She didn’t know what I was talking about it. She fucking didn’t know! Once again I assumed things that weren’t true. Fucking stupid Tomlinson, how dare you suspect Hazza of something like that? He never broke any promise, he never was not trustworthy. Unlike yourself. He is the greatest person on earth, how could you have ever doubt him? Shit.  
It gave me another sense of guilt towards Hazza. I’m just not able to do things right.  
Of course I couldn’t avoid the conversation that was bound to happen after my heart wrenched apology. I told her the biggest part of the story and she listened in silence (trust me that never happens). Yeah she sometimes gasped or said ‘no way’, but that was basically it. I was upset that I had to tell her the news on the phone, but it wasn’t nearly as hard as when I had to tell Hazza.  
She was shocked when I told her about Zayn, but she also seemed happy for me. She did however insist for me to come over very soon and tell me all about it. I was thankful that she wasn’t mad about the fact that I didn’t tell her. She was a bit upset, because she said she could have been trusted. I nodded my head in shame and suddenly felt so stupid. I kept this a secret for my friends for so long: and what for? What happened that was so bad? Apart from the huge fight I had with Hazza, so far it’s all been good. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I just wasn’t so scared to tell them. But sadly those realizations always come when it’s already too late. It doesn’t change things anymore. It happened and thanks to my wonderful friends Hazza and Bitch the anxiety and guilt I felt was now almost completely gone. Things really seemed to be going well, great even.  
I hung up after I promised to visit her as soon as possible. I felt so relieved and thankful.

It was such a normal, but overall exceptional good day, that the idea suddenly popped in my mind: I want Zayn and Hazza to meet each other. As soon as possible. Today.  
I quickly set my plan in action, moved away from Zayn and called Hazza. His voice sounded slightly off, but he did agree to my plan. He only had a short lecture and the rest of the time he wanted to spend in the school’s liberal, studying.  
So without consulting Zayn, I told him that we would come by.  
I smiled as I walked back to Zayn and told him the news. He was taken aback by my sudden idea, but nodded anyway. I saw fear in his eyes which I tried to soothe.  
As much as I wanted to shush him and tell him that everything would be okay, I could also understand his fear. I talk about Hazza constantly. I have told Zayn that he is ‘my everything’. I can only imagine how much pressure that gives someone.  
But somehow I wasn't scared. I felt good. For the first time in forever I just felt good. And the rest of the periods I was even able to concentrate for a fair amount of time.

And then it was time. Time for Hazza and Zayn to meet each other.

\---------- 

“Hey Lou.” Hazza greets me and on instinct we give each other a kiss on the lips. It just goes so easy, so mindless, that is until I see Zayn’s face. He is glaring at us. I quickly move away from Hazza.  
“Haz, this is Zayn. Zayn this is Harry.” I introduce them to each other and let them do the rest.  
They shake hands and politely say hi, but the tension in the room is extremely present and painful. I think people from afar can even notice the awkward vibe.   
Hazza and Zayn stare at each for a short moment, turn their heads to look at me in anticipation and stay silent. Awaiting.   
Suddenly it doesn’t feel as right as a few hours ago. I have a feeling that I’m going to regret this, but I can only hope for the best. And it seems that I am the person who has to try to make the best out of it.  
“So why don’t you give us a tour of your school?” I propose.   
Hazza nods. “Follow me.” He grabs (literally grabs) my hand. It feels possessive and I don’t like it in the slightest. Hazza always touches me with love, with care but now he is basically dragging me along, pushing me near him.  
Zayn trudges behind us, probably not knowing what to do. To be honest, I don’t really know what to do. I give Zayn an apologetic smile, but keep close to Hazza. The thing is, when Hazza and I are together we always have to touch in some way. Whatever it is a simple touch of our arms brushing together while we walk, our hands tangled or an arm around the waist. We just always touch. It’s the opposite with Zayn and me. We never really touch, let alone intimately, when we walk together. Maybe it’s because we are still cautious, but something tells me that even when everything is completely out in the open we would still just walk next to each other, casually.  
I just can’t let go of Hazza’s hand. I’m scared that he will be hurt or pissed off. Besides, he already tries so much for me and I want to show him that things don’t really have to change between us. I want to convince him that things can be like they always were.   
Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m trying to convince him or myself…

We keep walking like this, me close to Hazza’s side, hands clasped together and Zayn walking behind us. It’s wrong on so many levels and I feel ashamed, but I don’t know what to do about it. I can only hope that Zayn will accept this and as always I just hope things will resolve on its own. Although they probably won’t.   
Hazza is showing us (or better said me) different places. At first sight Hazza seems his normal self. Sweet and charming. But I can feel something is different. Just by the fact that he hasn’t said a single word but ‘hi’ to Zayn. Hazza is always nice to everyone, including people who say bad things about him. This is the first time Hazza doesn’t act nice or even slightly polite. I honestly don’t understand. He said he was okay with this then why is he acting like such a jealous fool? And since when is Zayn like this? He doesn’t even argue, but just lets it all happen. What the fuck can I do about it?  
“This is the best room in the whole building.” Hazza smiles as he shows us the bathroom. “Totally the best!” I chuckle. “What do you think Zayn?” I ask him in a pathetic attempt to involve him in our conversation.   
He shrugs and doesn’t reply.  
Internally I groan. They don’t even fucking try! I really need to do something, because this clearly isn’t going alright. I just really need to piss and think about it.  
“I’m just going for a wee.” I say as I quickly barge into the bathroom. I’m not sure if this is the best idea, but I have to do something.   
I let out a very big sigh. This feels so awkward and awful. Why does Hazza act so possessive and why does Zayn just stand there and let it happen?   
I exhale in relief as I feel the pee leave my body. That is at least a problem that I can solve easily. I try to relax for a moment when I hear growls, dark hisses. It can be anything. It can be a couple of guys who just happen to walk by, or a teacher giving a lecture to one of his students, but something tells me it’s not. I just know it’s not.  
“Shit.” I mutter as I try to finish my wee as quickly as possible.   
I hastily pull up my underwear and pants and walk out of the bathroom without washing my hands. The voices are getting harder and harder.  
“… Not as much as me! Or you wouldn’t do this!” Hazza claims enraged.   
“Fuck you. You don’t know anything.” I hear Zayn hiss angrily, pointing his finger at Hazza. They stand incredible close to each other, foreheads almost bumping, chests raised, provoking each other with their so called ‘manly’ behavior.   
“What is this?” I ask shocked and in fury.   
“This Zayn guy –” Hazza says irritated.  
“Stop.” I growl irritated but they keep arguing angrily back and forth, voices getting louder and angrier by the minute.  
I squeeze myself between them and push them apart. “FUCKING STOP THIS OKAY?” I interrupt them with a scream so loud that I’m sure the whole school can hear. But honestly right now I don’t fucking care. The people I want to get along with each other, the people that I love, are fighting.   
“Please stop this.” I sigh tiredly.  
They still look rather angry, but they listen and step away from each other.  
I give them a moment to cool down before I ask. “What happened?”   
They both stay silent. Oh great! Now suddenly they keep their mouths shut? They can’t even tell me what the fuck just happened? What the fuck were they arguing about?   
“Okay fine.” I say with clear irritation in my voice. If they don’t want to talk about it, then I’m not going to talk either. I’m just going to stand here, being stubborn and childish. Putting my arms over my chest I sulk like a little child.   
I can only hold my posture for one minute, before the agitation, the unrest gets to me. I need to do something, make this at least a little better. If that is even possible.   
“What about a little drink at the cafeteria?” I suggest. And that is seriously my last idea. Honestly, if they don’t make an effort real soon I’m going to just leave them here and walk away.   
They both agree with a shrug. Jesus, can they be even more talkative?   
Hazza wants to grab my hand again but I refuse. He frowns at me, but I try not to let it hurt me.   
I walk beside Zayn for a bit, as Hazza leads us the way, but I don’t hold his hand. It feels so extremely awkward and I’m pissed at both. Pissed that they don’t even fucking try to get along. I get that this is awkward for them, for all of us, but that doesn't mean they couldn't at least try. For me. They don’t even make an effort to get along, to get to know each other! Instead they acted like pathetic and aggressive animals! I honestly don't know what would have happened if I didn't stop them.   
Hazza walks in front of us, but he doesn’t speak. We just walk along with him, but none of us talks.   
“I’ll get drinks.” Hazza says when we arrive at the cafeteria. “What do you want Zayn?” He asks and I quickly smile at Hazza. It’s a simple gesture, but it’s something. I’m thankful.  
Zayn seems to be surprised and it takes him a moment to answer. “Coke is fine.”  
Hazza nods and he walks away to get our drinks.  
“He didn't ask you what you want.”  
“He already knows.” I easily say.  
Zayn rolls his eyes in annoyance and bitterly mutters “Of course.”  
I glare at Zayn. Why is he suddenly such an immature, stupid child? He is never like this. Both of them are never like this.  
“Here.” Hazza says curtly as he hands us our drinks. He sits down next to me, but he doesn’t even try to touch me. Zayn doesn’t touch me either. They just sip at their drinks in silence. And all I want to do is scream.

After a long, uncomfortable drink at the cafeteria I decide to just stop this ridiculous thing.   
I tell Hazza that we are leaving, because this clearly will not lead to anything good. He only nods in response.  
I say my goodbyes to Hazza, but we don’t hug or kiss. We just stand there, awkwardly looking at each other. He is staring at me with an annoyed and sad expression. It makes me want to talk to him, want to comfort him. It also makes me want to slap him, kick him, for being the way he is.   
Instead I just wave at Hazza and walk away.  
Rather than walking beside me, Zayn trudges behind me.   
As soon as we leave the building he mutters. “I’m going.” That’s all. He doesn’t even say goodbye. Nothing. He just walks away.  
And I stand there, frozen in shock, feeling so much confusion, exhaustion and irritation.  
I am so fucking tired because of everything that has happened the last week. I don’t have the energy to run after Zayn and talk to him. Honestly, I don’t even want to. I’m just so fucking upset and irritated with both of them.   
And with myself. Probably most of all with myself for even thinking that this could work. That they would just get along. That they would smile, hug each other and be happy with how things are. I’m just so fucking stupid!

I literally stomp the whole way back to my house. Fuming with rage.   
Once I arrive home, I storm to my room, throw my door shut and lie down on my bed. I fucking hate how it went. Goddammit. I feel my anger increase and even though I am extremely exhausted I can’t stay still. I have to do something with my anger, with my sudden burst of energy. I walk back and forth in my room, pulling my hair in frustration. I need to do something. I want to yell at Zayn and Hazza and I want to yell at myself.   
Instead I kick hard against my door. I kick and I kick. I am so incredibly annoyed with myself.   
“FUCK!” I screamed loudly. I’m absolutely gutted that it went like shit. And I don’t even want to think about what is yet to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to upload sooner but I wasn't feeling well.
> 
> Anyway, back to this story: Oh, oh! a lot of drama! As usual lol! I hope you liked this chapter... I sometimes feel insecure about chapters/storylines but yeah...  
> I'm almost scared to ask but are you team Zouis or team Larry? (ofc I mean in this story). No matter what you guys say it won't change my ending, because I already know how I want to end it. If I would change it I will only get more confused lol. 
> 
> Thank you for the people that keep reading this story and show their support; I appreciate you dearly <3


	28. Bitch

I’m on my way to Emma aka Bitch. When we talked on the phone she insisted that I would come over as soon as possible to tell her about Zayn. I was so happy with the way she reacted, I wanted to tell her all the amazing things about Zayn. I was so freaking ecstatic that I was stupid enough to believe that even Hazza and Zayn could get along. I was in such a good mood that I thought it was a good idea (no, I even thought it was a great idea) for them to meet. I thought nothing could go wrong. I desperately wanted the two persons I love so dearly to like each other, get to know each other. But I was just fucking stupid.  
The moment they saw each other it was clear that they didn’t like each other. In that instant I knew and I felt something was wrong. The whole encounter was just awful and immensely uncomfortable. They didn’t even make an effort to ask one another about each other, instead they begin arguing the minute I was gone.  
It made me so fucking exhausted and angry that I didn’t want to speak to them. Clearly, they also didn’t want to speak to me. Both of them didn’t call or text that day and I was too pissed off to care.

The next day I felt slightly better. The biggest anger and disappointment was gone. I realized that maybe I was too optimistic, maybe I expected too much of them. That realization made it a little bit better. I came to the conclusion that they probably have to get used to each other. Get used to being part of each other’s life.  
Or at least, that is what I utterly hoped. It was the only thing that made me feel like things would be okay. It was the only thing that kept me from worrying what to do.  
With that hope in mind I went to school. Zayn tried to be his normal self by greeting me with a kiss and having his hand on my thigh, but something was off. His posture seemed tense. And every time I tried to ask him about yesterday and asked what they argued about, he just shushed me. He said that he wanted to pay attention. It was crystal clear to me that he just wanted to avoid the conversation. He didn’t want to tell me what happened yesterday or how he felt about it. It annoyed me so freaking much.  
I’m not used to the silent treatment from Zayn. Normally whenever something happens he opens his mouth. We argue. We fight. We make up. We make out. That is our thing. But all of a sudden he didn’t want to talk.

When school finished I decided to go home, alone. Zayn seemed upset about it, but didn’t say anything. I just needed some time alone and more importantly I needed to speak with Hazza.  
I called Hazza, expecting him to tell me what happened. But surprisingly he also gave me the silent treatment and didn’t tell me what they argued about. It pissed me off, because I could tell that something was bothering him. Just as with Zayn. I’m not even sure why I pushed him to tell me what happened. I assumed I didn’t even want to know the real answer, since it probably would only make things worse. However, I kept pushing. It was like a part of me needed to know what happened. It seemed like I was searching for the drama, as if I needed it to live.  
“Fuck Hazza.” I said. “Just fucking tell me what you think.” I demanded.  
“It wouldn’t matter.” He said in response.  
“Why the fuck wouldn’t it matter?” I asked with clear irritation in my voice, not understanding what he meant.  
“I don’t know.” He said vaguely.  
“Haz, out with it.”  
After a lot of persuasion on my side he finally said something honest.  
“I hated it okay?” He said with much desperation.  
“Okay.” I breathed out, at least thankful for his honesty. “Why?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Well why did you hate it?” I asked.  
“I don’t know.” He said again.  
I rolled my eyes in annoyance. “Can you please stop with this and just tell me the truth?” In some ways it looked like the time I told him about Zayn. But this time it’s Hazza that didn’t want to tell me the truth.  
“I just want to make you happy.” He answered.  
“Do I sound happy to you?” I asked bitterly. “I want you to be honest. I don’t want you to make me supposedly happy, which I’m not for the record. I want to know what you want.”  
“You know what I want!” He said desperately.  
“No I don’t!” I yelled frantically. “Tell me.”  
“If you don’t know what this is about, I don’t want to tell you. It’s fine.”  
“No it’s not! Stop being so immature and tell me what the fuck is wrong.” I hissed, getting angrier by the minute. All my good hope for a fresh start just seemed to have disappeared.  
“I can’t! Besides it wouldn’t make a difference.”  
“How the fuck do you know that if you won’t tell me?”  
“Just go to Zayn and be happy.”  
“Seriously? Are you going to do this?”  
Hazza didn’t reply, just breathed into the phone. He was being such an immature child and I didn’t know how to handle it.  
“Well call me back when you do, okay?” I hung up frustrated.

\---------- 

“Bitch!” I wave at her.  
With a smile on her face she looks in my direction. “Hehe, there you are! Where have you been?”  
“Where have I been? I already was here like a half hour ago, waiting for you!” I lied to her.  
“Yeah right.” She rolls her eyes. “Come on in.”  
“Yeah really.” I smirk. I step off my bike and follow her into her unbelievable immense and lovely house.  
“So how are you?” I ask as we walk to the kitchen.  
She shrugs. “Very busy with essays and stuff. It takes so many time and energy. I barely see Michael and when I do things aren’t that great.”  
“I’m sorry.” I genuinely say. She has been with Michael for over 4 years. It seems like the most bizarre combination, but it really works. “And yeah, I know all about studying. It’s fucking terrible!”  
“Oh right, it’s almost time for your exams right?”  
I nod. “And I still haven’t done anything.”  
“You will make it. You always do. Barely, but you manage.” She grins at me.  
It’s great to finally see Bitch again. I became friends with her through Hazza, but I instantly loved her. She is so crazy and fun, but she can be a very good friend when you really need one. Right now I can really use one. We sit down at the dining table. “So tell me about this Zayn huh?”  
“Well first of sorry for the way you had to find out.” I apologize. It certainly wasn’t the way I wanted to tell her.  
“Yeah I was kind of shocked to be honest. Why couldn’t you tell me?”  
“To be honest. Mostly because of Hazza. I didn’t want him to know, so I kept it a secret for all of you.”  
“Hmmm. I kind of get that. I might have a big mouth, but I wouldn’t have told Hazza.” Bitch assures me.  
I nod slightly embarrassed. “Yeah I know or I should have known. It just kept getting worse and worse, I was in this web of lies and I didn’t know how to get out of it.”  
“You told me Zayn is that guy from your class? The one you hated so much? I remembered when you called me and you were so angry and upset about him. I really thought you hated him.” She chuckles.  
I nod frantically. “I really hated him. I hated him so freaking much. But somehow I also found him intriguing. He is amazing really.”  
Bitch smiles at me. “I’m glad to hear that, but somehow you don’t seem so happy?”  
I look up at her and sigh. “It’s just all so fucking complicated. I finally had the courage to tell Hazza, but he completely freaked out! Afterwards he told me that he was okay with it so I wanted them to meet, but let’s just say that it didn’t go well. When we called the next day Hazza told me that he hated it but he didn’t tell me why. I didn't know what to do so I hung up... and now Hazza doesn’t even return my calls.” As I blurt out all those words, my concerns, I feel a sting in my stomach.  
“To be honest I am not that surprised.” Bitch tells me.  
“Why?”  
Bitch shrugs casually. “Why? Well I always assumed that you guys were in a relationship, although you guys didn’t want to use that word.”  
“Yeah but it’s different.” I immediately say in defense.  
“Does Hazza feel the same?” Bitch questions.  
“I thought so.” I admit. “But right now I am not so sure.”  
“Yeah I understand.”  
“Do you know something?” I ask carefully.  
Bitch shakes her head. “No it’s not like he told me something. It’s just the way he looks at you, the way he cares for you. Basically in everything that he does it screams love.”  
“But I love him too!” I quickly reply.  
“I know you do. I can tell that you love him so much, but are you in love?”  
Am I in love? I question myself. I honestly don’t know. I feel so much love for Hazza, but am I in love? I think I am in love with Hazza, but I’m also in love with Zayn. Is that possible?  
“I feel like it’s more than that. I don’t really know how to say it.” I breathe out heavily, feeling the sadness and confusion taking control of me.  
“Hey Lou? It’s okay. You don’t need to have everything figured out right now.”  
I give her a small grateful smile. “Yeah okay.”  
“Besides, I want to know more about this Zayn boy you find so intriguing!” She says teasingly.  
“Okay.” I agree with a chuckle. I can mope around feeling sorry for myself, making myself go crazy with anxiety, guilt and sadness, but right now I don’t want to do that. Honestly, I rather just want to forget about both of them right now. But I understand that Bitch wants to know about Zayn. And, besides his immature behavior when it comes to Hazza, Zayn really is amazing.  
“He really is amazing and he is unbelievable beautiful. Like almost unhuman, it’s breathtaking but so annoying.” As I talk about Zayn I feel a faint smile appear on my face.  
“That sounds very promising, when will I meet him?”  
“You have to wait a while. He just met Hazza and it was ugly. They didn’t even try to get along and the minute I was in the bathroom they started arguing, it almost turned into a fight! And something about Zayn is different since he met Hazza, but he doesn’t want to tell me what happened. He acts normal and we are just like before, but something has changed.”  
“Jeez Lou, I can only imagine how awful that must have been.”  
“THANK YOU!” I exhale in relief. “Finally someone who understands me! It was a fucking disaster. Everything is a disaster! Zayn is in the closet because he is a Muslim and–.” I ramble on until Bitch cuts me off.  
“He is a Muslim?” Bitch gasps. For a moment she seems completely flabbergasted, but collects herself just as easily. “Whoa, didn’t expect that.”  
“Yeah I know. It’s all just freaking insane. The whole school basically knows about us, but for the rest it is all a big secret.”  
“I’m surprised we haven’t heard of it. You would think it will spread like fire! I mean a Muslim boy with a Gabber boy. It’s freaking hilarious!” She laughs.  
“Well I don’t think it’s fucking hilarious.” I say moody and slightly irritated. “A lot of people at our school give us shit, his community and even his fucking friends and family can’t know about us and fucking Hazz– .”  
“Hey calm down. I know it’s hard, hell, it even gives me perspective on my relationship, but if you really want to be with this Zayn guy, you have to sacrifice for love right?”  
“Yeah I suppose…” I say with doubt in my voice. Right now I’m not sure of anything.  
“What do you say we forget about this drama and have some fun? We can call Niall ask if he wants to join?”  
“Good idea. I can use some distraction. I’ll call Niall.”

“Hello.”  
“Hi, it’s Louis. Is Nialler there?”  
“Nialler?” His mother asks confused.  
“Niall? Is Niall home?” I ask again.  
“Oh… I think so. Hold on.” His mother says. Ugh I really hate that bitch! She wasn’t even home when he got released out of jail!  
I hear a lot of rumbling from the other side and then someone coughs loudly into the phone. “Who are you?” She asks with suspicion in her voice.  
I’m dumbfounded. She doesn’t even realize who I am? “I’m Louis, a friend of Niall.”  
“Oh.” She says curtly and she’s gone.  
I wait at least a minute on the phone until I finally hear Niall’s voice.  
“Hey.”  
“Hey Nialler.”  
“Louis!” He says cheerfully.  
“Gosh, your mother didn’t even know who I was!”  
“Yeah I know.” Niall chuckles embarrassed. “Things are not very good right now. She isn’t feeling well lately and she blames me.” He says with a sigh.  
“What a bitch!” The words just come out of my mouth. “Sorry Niall, I just think that’s bullshit.”  
“It’s okay, I know you mean well.”  
“Yeah I do. So how are things?”  
“Well I’m not feeling very well, but luckily I can clean at the gym Liam works at.”  
“Liam lets you clean? What a great friend!” I say mockingly.  
Nialler laughs, a full on laugh. “Yeah, he even lets me clean his shit on the toilet!”  
“Fucking nasty! How fucking dares he! We are so going to take him back!” I grin.  
“Yeah.” Nialler chuckles. “It’s the best he could do for me.”  
“I know, but he is still going to be sorry. Mark my words!” I say persistent.  
“Okay that’s a promise.”  
“What do you say we have a little party of our own at Bitches house? Just you, me and Bitch?”  
“I would love that.” He agrees.  
“Yeah we can all use some fun and distraction.”  
“Yes! Fuck drama, let’s have a party!”  
“LET’S HAVE A PARTY!” Bitch and I scream in the phone before we hang up.  
I just want to forget everything and have fun with a couple of my amazing friends.  
“I love you.” I say emotionally and tightly hug Bitch. I’m so glad I have such wonderful friends.  
“Did you use XTC?” She teases me, knowing I’m always more clingy and emotional whenever I use.  
“Ah fuck off.” I grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter!
> 
> Thank you all for your comments =) I noticed that it was fairly equal between team Larry and team Zouis. I'm not going to tell you what happens, but the only thing that I can say is that there will be a lot of drama, but also some very sweet moments! (for both Larry and Zouis)
> 
> 9 chapters to go or maybe 10 (honestly I'm not sure bc I still have to write most of it, but probably circa 10). A LOT will happen in those chapters!
> 
> Hope you liked this chapter and I hope people want to stay till the end of this story! Your support means the world and makes me want to dance (and believe me I don't dance!)


	29. Date

I stayed at Bitch house till 4 in the morning. Right then I didn’t regret anything. It was fucking amazing. I haven’t had so much fun in a while and I really needed it. But as I sit down for English I suddenly regret my decision. I have a huge headache and I feel like I have to barf.  
“Hey Lou,” Zayn sits down next to me and gives me a soft kiss on the cheek.  
“Hey,” I mumble back.  
Mister Whitman rambles on about the book we have to read, which I of course haven’t even started yet. I don’t even know how the book looks like.  
“How are you?” He softly touches my hand under the table.  
“Well not so good,” I whisper. “Hazza and you don’t get along.”  
Zayn still hasn’t talked about it or shared his opinion (although his silence probably says enough), but he finally speaks up.  
“I know. Your best friend till eternity and I don’t get along.” He sounds almost mockingly.  
I shrug casually. “Well we haven’t spoken for two days and that’s fine with me.” Of course it’s not fine with me and I’ve tried to talk to Hazza but he still ignores me.  
“Yeah but we all know you can’t stay away from each other. And the fights probably only make you stronger, right?”  
I raise my eyebrows. “Yeah that’s true. But why are you saying this?”  
He shrugs. “I’m just checking the reality here.”  
“The reality?” I ask confused.  
“That I can’t compete,” he says in all seriousness.  
“What?” I reply stunned.  
“Mister Tomlinson? Care to join something with us?” Mister Whitman asks.  
I shake my head, “no sir.”  
I stay quiet for a while but I’m still looking at Zayn with a dumbfounded expression. It’s way too early and I feel way too sick for such a conversation, but I can’t ignore this.  
“Hey,” I whisper softly. “It’s not a competition.”  
Zayn doesn’t reply or react to my words, only stares in the distance. His posture, along with his stare, gives it all a sad vibe. He feels like this is a competition and that he can’t win.  
The sad part is, maybe somehow that is true.  
Hazza is more important to me, always has been, always will. Although right now it obviously doesn’t seem like it. At the moment I honestly don’t know what to do with Hazza. He is ignoring me and it’s extremely hard for me to handle. I’ve texted and called him but he doesn’t reply or answer me. I want to go to him and yell at him. Yell at him for… I don’t know… for screwing up, for not being okay with Zayn and me. But mostly, for his silence. For not really telling me what he feels. What he wants. As long as Hazza stays stubbornly silent and doesn’t tell me what he really wants or how he really feels, I want to give Zayn a chance. Zayn is so wonderful and I like him so much. I want to show him that. I want to show him that I want to be with him. I just really want to try this. Even as complicated as it all is, I really love Zayn.  
“Zayn, I want to be with you.” I say slightly harder, firm and determinate. As per usual I’m not sure about anything, mostly because of Hazza, but right now I know I want to be with Zayn. I want to give him a fair chance.  
Zayn looks back at me with a faint smile. “Okay.”  
“Okay,” I agree happily.

\-----------------

Its day three and Hazza still ignores my calls. Even with help from Bitch he doesn’t want to return my calls or talk to Bitch about it. Apparently he is ignoring the whole group.  
I try not to worry too much, but of course I do. It’s like a silent thing I do. I tend, or at least try, not to show it to people around me, but it is obviously there in my mind.  
They say that guys worry less, but most of the guys I know are all massive stressed. I think the difference between guys and girls is that girls tend to be more open about their worries and problems, whereas guys hold it in. Just as I do now; or at least I attempt. I try to act like I don’t care that Hazza and I haven’t spoken for three days, but inside it freaking hurts. And as the open book I apparently am, it probably does show.  
I’m just so confused about everything. My emotions are all over the place.  
I felt so fucking wonderful, so good when Hazza wanted me to be happy with Zayn. I could have my most important person in the world and be with Zayn. It felt like a fairy tale. But very soon it became obvious that it wouldn't be as simple and perfect as in fairy tales. I wouldn't have my happily ever after. Zayn and Hazza almost fought when they first met each other, Zayn feels like he can’t compete and Hazza is angry with me because I don’t see what he wants from me. And as long as he ignores me, I probably still won’t know.  
Besides all of that I’m even more confused after my talk with Bitch (although I’ve forgotten half of it because of the amount of alcohol I consumed at her place). She seemed to be convinced that Hazza and I were in a relationship, just like my father did. She made it seem like Hazza wants more from me. And as much as I try to wrap my mind around it; I really don’t understand. We always said that we didn’t want our relationship to be labeled; we wanted to be us and everything seemed great. So why all of a sudden it feels like it has burst? Why does it feel like we are not like that anymore? As if things have changed? Is it because of Zayn or was it already before that? I felt so happy, but what about Hazza?

The doorbell rings and I jump out of my seat, both from excitement and nerves. I have to put aside my worries about Hazza for now, because at the moment I have something else to worry about. Something far more nerve racking: my date with Zayn.  
Yes, I’m finally going on a date with Zayn! After I decided that I wanted to give Zayn a chance and told him that I wanted to be with him, he proposed to do the date that we talked about. I was surprised by his sudden excitement, but it was a pleasant surprise. I was glad that my words somehow meant so much to him, made him relax. They did however make me feel guilty and awful towards Hazza. Giving Zayn a chance, after Hazza clearly stated his displeasure, makes me feel like I’m drifting further away from Hazza. Every step I take with Zayn makes me feel like I’m losing pieces of Hazza. And losing pieces of Hazza is like losing parts of my own soul.  
As I walk towards the door my mind is still occupied with Hazza and the image of a sad, sulking boy. This wonderful boy who always wants to make me happy, wants the best for me, but what about him? I really want to understand him, knowing what’s going on, be there for him, but if he doesn’t want to talk, what can I do? I just know that he can’t keep this up, he can’t avoid me forever. We need to talk. Soon.  
I open the door and Zayn stands there with a small smile on his face, making me instantly a little bit happier. “Hey.”  
“Hey,” he whispers back, staring at me with a lustful look. “You look amazing.”  
“Thanks,” I say quietly. I’ve changed my outfit four times and it was then that I suddenly realized how real this is. It’s not like I didn’t know before, I’m not an idiot… or at least not that much of an idiot. But somehow this makes it all more real. A date. It makes it all so official.  
Normally I wear t-shirts, sweatpants or sometimes tracksuits. Just very comfy, sporty stuff. But somehow I didn’t want to wear that on our first date. I know it’s pathetic, but yes I wanted to look nice for Zayn. So instead of my normal clothes I’m wearing tight, black jeans with a jeans button up shirt. It’s still me, still casual, but a little more chic.  
“You too, as always.” Seriously, there hasn’t been one day that Zayn didn’t look completely fabulous. He always looks amazing.

\-----

We sit down at the best pizza restaurant in the city: Piccolo Italia. It’s a particular small, old restaurant, but the food is seriously the best. They make the best pizzas of the town.  
A waiter gives us our menus and we order our food. Of course I’ll have a pizza, but surprisingly Zayn has the Pasta Bolognese.  
“Are you seriously having pasta at the restaurant that is famous for their pizzas?” I ask in complete surprise.  
Zayn laughs. “Yeah, I’m not a big fan of pizza.”  
“WHAT?” I say shocked. I got to know Zayn in the last couple of months but I didn’t know about this ‘small’ detail. “You’re not a fan of pizza? How can a person not be a fan of pizza?”  
Zayn shrugs. “Well I don’t really like it… I don’t know why.”  
“It’s absurd,” I exclaim with a serious expression, but I honestly enjoy this small argument. It doesn’t seem awkward, it’s just us as we are normally are. Disagreeing about what is right or wrong.  
“It’s not. It’s absurd that you don’t like fries.”  
“Fries are disgusting. Home mash potatoes are way better.”  
“Na-ah,” Zayn shakes his head. “Fries.”  
“Potatoes.”  
“Fries,” Zayn says almost childish.  
“I don’t think we will come to an agreement,” I say with a playful smile.  
Zayn grins at me. “I don’t think so either. What to do now?”  
“Well,” I smirk at him. I kick off my left shoe and with my foot I search for the end of his jeans as I playfully try to crawl under it and teasingly want to touch his leg. Of course failing miserably, making the moment kind of silly and definitely not flirtatious. I try to heat up the moment again with my words. “We could do what we normally do when we argue?” I suggest with a sly smile.  
“Oh yeah?” he asks suggestively, looking at me as he licks his lips. “And what is that?”  
I look at him with a fake-innocent look. “I honestly don’t know, what do I normally do huh?” I question.  
“Stuff,” Zayn whispers bashfully, suddenly looking slightly uncomfortable.  
I love to see him like this and I want to continue. I want to make him feel extremely uncomfortable.  
“What kind of stuff Zayn?” I urge.  
Zayn already looks worked up as he stutters, “Y-you know w-what.”  
I shake my head. “I honestly don’t know.”  
“Tease,” Zayn mutters.  
“You call this teasing? Apparently you haven’t had my blowjobs yet.” The words come out before I can even filter them.  
Zayn coughs, eyes widen. “Louuuueh,” he drags my name out in embarrassment, but something tells me a part of it sounds more like a desperate whine.  
Mission accomplished, I think with a self-satisfied grin. Although… I’m also blushing furiously and squirming in my seat at our little conversation.

\-----

We walk outside of the restaurant with a fulfilled stomach and a clear delightful smile on our faces. Our flirty talk stopped the minute the waiter arrived with our food. We immediately dug into our foods and got into another argument about who had the best food. After that we just talked about meaningless things, but it felt good. It felt nice. The thing that made it so special was the fact that it didn’t feel so extremely important. It almost seemed like two lads having dinner, except for the occasional sexual innuendos and the love-sick heart eyes that we kept giving each other. Okay, it definitely wasn’t like mates, but I was just glad that it didn’t feel forced. It was just natural and like us.  
“What should we do next?” I honestly don’t want this night to stop. It finally got my mind to stop worrying and thinking about Hazza, or at least partly.  
“What do you want to do?”  
“We could watch a movie or we c–.” I stop the moment I hear someone behind us call Zayn’s name.  
Zayn and I don’t touch but I can feel him tense next to me. He suddenly stops, carefully looks over his shoulder and whispers to me, “shit, those are friends of mine.”  
We turn around and I look back at Zayn, seeing a small hint of fear in his eyes. His friends? His fucking friends are here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to upload because you are all so freaking amazing! I felt so wonderful after reading those sweet comments.  
> I truly hope you like this chapter, I'm always insecure about it, but I hope it was worth the wait! And if not; sorry!  
> If you are a Zouis shipper I think you enjoyed this chapter, am I right? Poor Hazza though, especially for the Larry shippers! All I can say is: don't worry too much about Hazza!
> 
> I wanted to say thank you for the get better soon wishes! I feel a little bit better, but it's all a very long and tiring process. To clarify (because I have been so vague about it, mostly because I normally don't tell people about it and because I don't feel like people are interested, but yeah): I have Crohn's disease and for a while now I have inflammations in my small intestine (I think you call it that lol). Do you guys know it? Maybe even have it? Let's just say it's shit to have it, but I have to learn to live with it. 
> 
> Lastly, I hope you all had a great holiday and hopefully a wonderful new year with lots of love, fun and amazing moments!


	30. Zayn's friends

The smile that couldn't leave my face after our great date disappears quickly. Instead I now have clammy hands and my legs are slightly shaken. Without any warning or time to prepare I’m suddenly meeting Zayn’s friends. Fuck. I’m so not ready for this. If it will be anything like the encounter between Hazza and Zayn, I’m screwed. Basically, I’m just screwed.  
“I knew it was you, hey!” This boy says who is apparently a friend of Zayn.  
Zayn says something back to the boy in Urdu (or at least I suspect) and they give each other a pat. Two other boys walk towards us and greet Zayn in Urdu as well.  
I stand there, trying to act nonchalant, but feeling completely out of my element.  
“This is Louis, a friend from school, we were just about to go home,” Zayn lies.  
Maybe I should be happy that I’m finally meeting his friends, but right now it only makes me irritated. It’s not like I’m meeting Zayn’s friends because Zayn wanted me to meet them but because of unfortunate circumstances. And even though I knew he would never introduce me as his boyfriend; it still makes me upset to hear him introduce me as a friend from school. Should I be grateful that he at least introduces me as a friend? Not as a classmate? Maybe I should, but after the wonderful dinner we had I can’t really hide my displeasure. Basically it just stings.  
Zayn’s friends nod and they greet me, but some of them still eye me suspiciously. Ugh this feels awful. I don’t know where to look or how to act, so I just politely greet them back as they tell me their names. Names I don’t know how to pronounce and probably will forget in a blink of an eye.  
“Why don’t you come have a drink with us?” one of Zayn’s friends proposes. I believe his name is Jazad or something along those lines.  
“I really think we should get going,” Zayn tries, but his friends don’t leave it at that.  
“Ah come on Javadd, one drink at Mila?”  
Zayn scratches his neck, looking conflicted. He shifts his eyes from his friends to me and back to his friends and finally speaks. “Well okay, if it’s alright with Louis.” Zayn looks at me with an expectantly look and I can only shrug. What else can I do? Zayn probably would feel hurt if I would decline. Hazza and I are already not on speaking terms, I can’t manage Zayn to ignore me as well. Besides, if I would say no I’m positive that it will only make us seem more suspicious. And why am I so afraid of these boys? Zayn and I were just walking next to each other on the streets, there was nothing suspicious about that. Especially not from the back, since you couldn’t see our extremely happy faces. So it’s quite ridiculous to feel so nervous. They are just friends of Zayn. And at the moment I have to act like I’m one of Zayn’s friends as well. That is probably what makes me feel so awkward. Zayn and I are a lot of things, but we are clearly not friends. And quite frankly, I don’t know if I can act that way, especially after the amazing date we just had. I want to end today as lovers. Not as friends.  
This is seriously messed up.  
“Okay great,” Shahid says delighted.  
We walk along with Zayn’s friends and it feels absolutely weird. A typical (okay maybe not so typical) English boy between four Muslim boys! I would never suspect that this would ever happen in the beginning of the school year. This seriously can’t be crazier. Or more terrifying.  
Thankfully Zayn keeps walking beside me, although the distance is bigger than before. 

\-----

We walk inside this multicultural café called Mila. I’ve heard of this place but never been. I always go to my home café Plo.  
Zayn and his friends obviously have been here before, as they greet multiply people in the café. Oh dear, suddenly I’m really missing the support of my friends.  
We sit down at a table nearby the pool table and Zayn decided to get drinks for us.  
“What will it be boys?”  
“Coke,” Zayn’s friends say in unison, the same moment I say ‘beer’. If I want to make it through this evening I really need some alcohol in my system.  
I want to walk with Zayn to the bar, because I don’t want to be alone with his friends, but he shakes his head and gestures for me to stay put. I roll my eyes. This wasn’t the way I expected our date to end. And this certainly wasn’t the way I expected to meet his friends.  
“Louis right?” Hamza asks.  
I quickly turn around towards the voice and nod.  
“You are in Zayn’s class?” One of the other boys asks me politely.  
Well Zayn’s friends actually try to start a conversation with me, I probably should react.  
“Yeah since this year,” I respond.  
Zayn returns with the drinks and hands them to us. I quickly gulp my beer down and let the alcohol slowly digest inside my body. I need more alcohol though.

Occasionally Zayn’s friends ask me a few questions, but most of the time they interact with each other. Zayn really tries to involve me in their conversations, but I’m not really making an effort. It’s not like I really have anything interesting to say about the topics of conversations, which mostly are about music (not my kind of music) and girls. Both are clearly not my kind of interests. And I don’t think Zayn would really appreciate my real opinion about both topics. So instead, I just try to listen to them talk and occasionally glance at Zayn to see him interact with his friends. It’s a nice surprise to see that Zayn doesn’t really act differently around his friends’ then he acts when he is with me. He still mostly listens and sometimes stares in the distance. However, it pains me to see whenever Zayn eagerly agrees when his friends talk about ‘fine’ girls. It’s not like he is saying something himself, but just the way he easily agrees or laughs with them makes me sick to the stomach, makes me cringe inwardly.  
I really need a new beer. And because I don’t want to look like a complete dickhead I ask the rest what they want as well.  
They tell me what they want and I stand up from my seat to order the drinks.  
“I’m helping you,” Zayn says as he walks along with me to the bar.  
As we wait at the bar Zayn suddenly turns around and faces me completely, looking at me with a worried look. “Are you okay?”  
My immediate response is to say ‘just fine’ but clearly that’s not how I really feel. “Not really,” I say truthfully.  
Zayn sighs frustrated. “I’m really sorry about all of this; this was not the way I wanted today to end.”  
I shrug. “I know, me neither.”  
As I look down I can see that Zayn is fidgeting with his fingers and looking at me with a pained expression. I have a feeling that he wants to comfort me and now I just as badly want to comfort him, want to touch him. Instead I elbow his side in a friendly way and attempt to smile at him as I say: “Come let’s have fun,” although I’m not believing my own words. 

\-----

The more drinks we order, the more I’m starting to think and the more I get annoyed. The music doesn’t help at all, only making me more agitated.  
As a new song comes on all of them suddenly listen very carefully.  
“Sick!” Hamza screams excitedly as he bobs his head along with the music. Some fucking shit music like a mix of R&B and Jazz, or something like that. Just plainly annoying.  
Apparently I’m not very good at hiding my irritation for this particular song, along with all the rest of my frustration.  
“Something wrong?” Shahid ask me with a raised eyebrow.  
“Just don’t like the song, s’all.” I try to say laid back.  
“You don’t like this kind of music?”  
I quickly shake my head. “No way, this is not my music. I like hardcore music. I am a gabber.” I don’t know why I’m suddenly telling all of this but I want to. It’s like my way of showing my irritation of tonight, even though so far it hasn’t been awful. Maybe I’m trying to test them, or test Zayn, and I know that’s not fair, but I’m still doing it. Why do I always try to cause drama?  
“You are a gabber?” They sound surprised.  
“Yes,” I reply harshly.  
“Oh,” they respond, probably not knowing what to say or do.  
It’s quiet until one of them asks something to Zayn. “Is this the boy you talked about?”  
I’m surprised Zayn has told them about me. I know he is pretty secretive with his friends. I didn’t think he would tell them about me, about his gabber boyfriend. Of course he did not use those exact words. His friends probably know me like his mother did: the boy who hit him. The boy who got him two weeks of suspension. Of fucking course.  
“Uh yeah,” Zayn nods embarrassed. “It was all just a misunderstanding, we are friends now.”  
Jazade says something to Zayn, probably in Urdu. Zayn looks a bit uncomfortable as he answers. Somehow I feel the need to defend myself even though I don’t know what they are saying.  
“I’m not a racist if that is what you guys think,” I say to no one in particular. “If I was one did you really thing I was friends with Zayn?” The words sound bitter in my mouth. I’m not friends with Zayn, we are together! And I’ve already had all these months in which I lied about it to my friends, I don’t want to continue with the lying. I want to be open. I want people besides the stupid assholes in our school to know we are together. But we can’t. Zayn can’t. ‘Hazza would never do this to me,’ I mumble to myself in a whispered tone. I can always be myself around him and be fucking worshipped because of it. With Zayn I have to keep up a posture, an attitude or else they might suspect. And as much as I try to understand it from Zayn’s point of view, I absolutely hate it.  
Zayn chuckles awkwardly and distracts from the conversation by asking his friends about music. They immediately respond with long answers and lots of laughs, ignoring my little outburst.  
I’m frozen in my seat, my mind however is racing. Here I am for Zayn lying to his friends, while I’m still on edge because of Hazza. When Zayn and I had our lovely meal I partly forgot about it, but as I’m sitting here feeling like I don’t belong, the worry starts to come back even harder. It returns in such a rate that my heart is pounding in my chest.  
I feel like I’m betraying Hazza and that is the most awful feeling in the world.

\-----

After the beers I started ordering tequila’s, which much displeasure of Zayn (if his looks had anything to say about it). He kept glancing at me with a disapproving look on his face, but didn’t say anything. Since I’m only ‘a school friend’, Zayn couldn’t really say anything about it without making him look like a possessive and worried boyfriend. That was at least one advantage of this horrid night.  
And thanks to the drinks I now feel a lot better. Everything seems a lot more relaxed. I don’t even care what language they are speaking or what they are talking about. I’m in my own little, drunk world. Somewhere in the distance I hear them talk, along with laughter of other people and annoying music in the background.  
As I gulp down my latest tequila my vision suddenly starts to blur and I feel dizzy. Okay… I really need to stop drinking now.  
“Can we go?” I whine to Zayn, clinging to his side. I’m so far out of it that I don’t see the confused looks and raised eyebrows of Zayn’s friends, I do however feel Zayn’s hand forcefully shoving me away. He looks extremely annoyed. Fuck you Zayn.  
“Yeah, I think we’re going.”  
“Yeah sure, see you later.” Shahid, or whoever, says.  
“Nice meeting you Louis,” they all say nicely. It’s just like with Zayn’s mother. Just fucking fake. They don’t like me, but they are too fucking polite to tell it in my face.  
“Yeah,” I practically slur to them, not having the energy to say anything else. I walk outside of the café with wobbly feet and a blurry vision.  
“What are you doing?” Zayn hisses the minute we stand outside the café.  
The cold air hits my face and makes me feel like I need to barf. Or more likely it’s because of Zayn and his stupid question. What the fuck does it seem like I’m doing?  
“I’m ju–,” before I can finish my sentence I start throwing up in the middle of the streets.  
“Fuck!” Zayn says angrily. However, I still feel a soothing hand rubbing my back as I keep throwing up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter :)  
> Lots of drama, am I right? 
> 
> Only around 6/7 chapters to go… That's so weird to say!  
> And the next chapter will be one of the most important ones of this story. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for your support on this story, I’m so delighted ^^  
> And really hope you don’t hate me with the direction this story is going! But yeah we will see lol


	31. Diary

I slowly stretch my body and blink my eyes a couple of times, adjusting to the light. The smell of sweet tobacco and vanilla dominates the air. I feel quite sick and the smell doesn’t particular help me with the nausea. The smell is familiar but it’s definitely not the way my room smells. Also my bed never felt so small. I look around me to recognize where I am.  
Bloody hell. I’m at Zayn’s house, on the couch in the living room. Only he is nowhere to be seen. I also don’t see or hear his parents or sisters.  
Oh god. I suddenly realize what happened yesterday. After our perfect beginning of the date we ran into his friends. I hated that I had to pretend that I was just a friend. I certainly didn’t feel like I belonged there. It was just painful and awkward. And since I’m not good with awkward situations I decided to drink away my sorrow. I drank until I was completely wasted. And afterwards I puked in the middle of the streets. Zayn was furious with me, but apparently not angry enough to leave me alone in my vomiting state. Instead he must have dragged me to his house and let me sleep on his couch. I don’t even want to know what his parents have to say, seeing Zayn’s ‘friend’ lying almost unconsciously on their couch, breath reeking of alcohol. My parents would only shake their heads disapprovingly, but I don’t think Zayn’s parents will be so nonchalant about this. They probably think I’m this extremely bad influence on Zayn. Fuck.  
But, where the fuck is everyone? Are they all still asleep? I look at my phone and see that it’s already past noon. Oh shit, it's a school day and here I am in Zayn's house. Did Zayn really leave me here and went to school? I need to go to his room to find out.  
I have no missed calls or texts from Hazza. Dammit. I do however have 3 missed calls from my mother and 2 texts:  
 _How is it? When will you be home? X_  
 _ANSWER ME TOMLINSON!_  
Oops. I totally forgot to text or call my mother. Truthfully, I probably wasn’t even able to text. I quickly text her back that everything is fine and I’ll be home soon.  
I try to stand up and suddenly the room starts to spin, giving me a splitting headache. I need food in my stomach; I need some energy after I puked everything out.  
With careful steps I walk to the kitchen; the smell of the vanilla scent growing even stronger. I’m just going to eat something very quickly and quietly walk upstairs to Zayn’s room. And hope to god that I don’t see anyone.  
I open a cabinet above the stove. There are all these kinds of herbs which I’ve never heard of and I wouldn’t even know how to pronounce. I open another cabinet and luckily find a role of biscuits. It’s already open so I don’t think they would mind if I’ll take a few biscuits.  
The biscuits taste old and disgusting; reluctantly I shove a few biscuits in my mouth.

As silently as possible, on my tiptoes, I maneuver around the room. I’m just a few steps away from the door when it suddenly opens. I’m startled and my heart drops. “Fuck,” I hiss under my breath as I take a few step back.  
The moment Zayn’s mother walks inside the room I want to say fuck again, but luckily I can hold it in.  
“Louis,” she nods.  
“Hi,” I shriek.  
“Why don’t you sit down again?” she asks me nicely, but demanding.  
I quickly nod and swallow nervously. Dammit, where is Zayn?  
I walk towards the couch and sit down again. Zayn’s mother sits down on the opposite side, staring at me with a look I don’t really understand.  
“How are you?”  
“Uhh…” I begin doubtfully. “I’m alright I guess.” I try to stay casually, but from the inside I’m a nervous wreck with a huge hangover.  
“Zayn told me that you hung out with some friends of his and you got sick,” she states in all seriousness.  
Did Zayn tell her why I got sick? I honestly don’t think he did, I better follow Zayn’s lead and go with that. “Yeah I didn’t feel well.”  
“I see,” she says sternly.  
I can tell that she doesn’t believe me. I can feel her eyes peering into mine, wanting to know the truth. I need to keep it together, because I can’t tell her what really happened. So instead I say, “I’m sorry that I slept on your couch.” I nervously scratch my neck.  
“No problem,” she instantly replies. “I think it’s responsible of Zayn that he didn’t let you go home alone when you were feeling so sick. He is a very nice boy.”  
I nod in agreement and without thinking about my answer I say, “very nice yeah.”  
“Very nice huh?” she inquires.  
I inwardly cringe. Shit. I probably sounded a bit too fond for a casual friend. I try to stay calm and shrug. “Yeah, it was very nice of him to let me stay here when I was dru- sick, you know?” I try to keep my face neutral as I speak but I feel like this is getting worse by the minute. Why can’t I just leave? Somehow her forceful stare tells me I need to stay put.  
“He is always very thoughtful towards his friends. He is kind, sweet, and sometimes a bit stubborn.”  
I want to chuckle. Zayn can be really stubborn. How many times have we bickered about the silliest things we didn’t agree on?  
“You seem to agree,” she says with an examined look.  
“Pardon?”  
“You had this smile on your face when I talked about my son.”  
My eyes slightly widen in panic. “Oh well yeah I just think you have a great son. Speaking off… where is Zayn?” I try to deflect.  
“He is at school as he should be. He wanted to stay here for you but I told him I would take care of you,” she explains. “He is indeed wonderful, thank you.” And for the first time I see a genuine smile on her face. She really loves her son.  
I politely smile back, “okay.”  
There is an uncomfortable long silence before she speaks again.  
“I don’t think you’re a bad kid Louis, but you have to understand that Zayn has a different life. He comes from another background, lives in a particular community, with other norms and values. He isn’t like you.”  
I’m completely baffled by her words and I have no idea how to respond. “Oh,” I breathe out, for lack of better word. I just really need some time to think about everything that has happened. Preferably at home, but right now Zayn’s room has to suffice. I’m overwhelmed by everything. From Zayn and Hazza bickering to Hazza ignoring me and from faking it in front of Zayn’s friends to his mother and her overpowering words. All together with this bloody hangover. “Is it okay if I go to the bathroom to clean myself?”  
She nods. “Sure.”  
I nod thankfully and start to walk out of the room, to Zayn’s room.  
“Don’t you want to know where the bathroom is?”  
I freeze in my step, cheeks flushing. “Oh yeah,” I stammer. “Where is it?”  
“Upstairs, first door on the left.” 

I open the door to Zayn’s room and I can finally breathe a sigh of relief. That was completely awkward. It felt so tense downstairs and I just want to lie down for a minute and wake up when I feel less nauseous.  
She doesn’t know that I have been here after our first time meeting. She doesn’t know that I have made out with Zayn on his bed. Well truthfully I think she knows. She might not know the details, but she does know more than meets the eye. Her knowing looks, her words; it all says enough. But what did she want to convey with her words? I’m really too exhausted and sick to think it over.  
I plop down on Zayn’s bed, my head lies comfortably on his pillow. Initially I notice the smell. It’s a combination of a very fresh and sweet scent. It smells like Zayn’s perfume and surprisingly it helps me to feel better. I bury my head even more into his pillow, realizing how odd this probably seems, when I feel something hard underneath the pillow.  
Surprised, I sit up and lift the pillow and look at the object underneath me. In complete shock I stare at the object.  
Oh my… there it is. The scariest and most feared object: his diary! It must be his diary. It looks similar to the one I once had, but I only wrote it in for two days. After those days I completely forgot about it.  
I take the diary in my hand and notice that the lock is open. I feel my heartbeat rise, this is it. Different thoughts go through me. My first instinct is to recklessly open the book and read it. I want to know what he has written in his diary. What does he really think? How does he really feel? Somehow I feel like all the answers might be in this book.  
The thing is, just because I’m pretty intimate with Zayn doesn’t mean I know him that well. Yeah, he told me things about his family, friends and community, but truth be told; most of the time we make out. Or argue (although lately, we mostly kiss and grind onto each other’s body). I really can’t complain about that, but it does make me curious. What does he keep from me? What has he written?  
It could also be just a simple logbook, something utterly boring. I won’t know until I open it, but something is stopping me. My moral sense. Yes I do have some, just not much. If I open this book I will invade his privacy on so many levels, it’s just so wrong. And what if he finds out? Will he trust me after this? I seriously doubt it… and I will feel terrible about it.

I still have the diary in my hand, sitting frozen. I know I shouldn’t read it, but my curiosity takes the overhand. And let’s be real, I never do the right thing. Might as well do something wrong again. Might as well just get it over with and read it.  
With slightly trembling hands I open the diary at a random page.  
The time seems to be standing still and I hear no sound except for my own heartbeat which is pounding loudly in my chest.  
My eyes fall directly on the following words: 

- _It’s just so hard feeling the way I do, having those feelings, knowing that its wrong. I don’t think it’s wrong to feel love for another boy but sadly other people do. People don’t understand how hard it is to never be truly myself. For always having to lie about who I truly am, with everyone. I can only be fully myself when I am alone and then I’m still feeling like I’m betraying my family. My community. My religion.  
_ _Sometimes I don’t know how to deal with it, to live with it. My parents will not understand. Lou can’t understand it. Nobody can._ -

As I read those words I feel a lump in my throat and tears form in my eyes. The pain he feels makes me so sad. As much as I knew how hard this all was for him, I didn’t know it was like this. I didn’t know it was something that is tearing him apart. And he is right. I can’t really understand how he feels because I’m not in his situation.  
I swallow and sniff, trying to keep my sounds as quiet as possible. I don’t want Zayn’s mother to sneak up on me and see me reading Zayn’s diary. I already feel so awful reading this.  
A big part of me wants to shut the diary down and go away, but this little part inside of me needs to continue. I can finally know what Zayn thinks of me, thinks of all the things he doesn’t speak about. I just need to know.  
I look further in the book until I’m at the last thing he has written and I start to read again:

- _It was a disaster! The date went so well until we ran into my friends. When my friends saw Louis I knew in that instant that they knew something more was up. They would never believe that I would be just friends with Louis. Shahid knows about my situation, but he would never speak of it, just like my family._  
 _To be honest, a few months ago I wouldn’t have believed it myself that I would be friends with Louis. That is the thing. If I haven’t gotten to know Louis because of our assignment I would probably still hate him. I would still think he is a racist. I would probably still feel like we just don’t belong. Just like all the others that think that we don’t belong._  
 _And why? Because people are judgmental, looking at the outside and judge. Judge the way they look and the world they live in._  
 _Louis and I are completely opposite when you look with that perspective. Louis is a white gabber boy and I’m a Pakistani Muslim. We have nothing in common, except something that my world doesn’t accept: Love._  
 _When you finally try to look past all the judgments, you look at the inside. And from the inside we are the same. We do belong with each other.  
Sadly the world can’t or doesn’t want to see that. The world isn’t ready for it. My world isn’t ready for it._ -

I feel so stunned reading this. I honestly don’t even know how to feel or what to think except feeling sick to my stomach. I feel the nausea coming up, making me feel dizzy. As terrible as I feel reading those words, like an autopilot I keep reading the diary, transfixed on reading. On knowing.  
I quickly scan further through the pages until I notice he has written about the encounter between him, me and Hazza. My hands are shaking, my body feels overheated, my mouth is dry, but I read the part:

- _The moment we walked towards this Harry I noticed something different with Louis. I don’t know what it was exactly, but somehow he seemed at ease. That is the best way I can describe it. And I hated to see the change, because it was a good one. Just writing it I feel upset about it. But it was nothing like the feeling I had when I looked into Harry’s eyes, who was looking at Louis. When I saw him looking at Louis, I realized that he is madly in love with him. It was as clear as day. And it made me so angry. It wounded me._  
 _They hugged and kissed each other and in that moment I realized. I knew it all along; they love each other._  
 _I felt so out of place, I felt my heartbeat rise, but I couldn’t do anything. I tried to pretend that I wasn’t so affected, but for my feeling I failed miserably._  
 _When I shook H’s hand I smiled, but it felt more like a grimace. How could I act normal after this? After seeing Louis so comfortable and in love with this ‘Hazza’, knowing that this guy is also madly in love with Louis, with my boyfriend._  
 _The moment Louis went to the bathroom we confronted each other. Well actually I confronted H. I told him that he would never accept me and Louis. I didn’t need to say that and I certainly didn’t need to add that he is in love with Louis, because that is like stating the obvious. He was clearly annoyed by my words and he told me that it wasn’t true. We argued for a moment, I honestly can’t remember what we said. Until he said the words that are still engraved in my mind: ‘I would do anything for Louis’ happiness, unlike you.’ He said that he would always make Louis his top priority and he would never make him lie or not be his perfect and complete self. He said that it wasn’t fair that I expected him to hide for me, to not be fully part of my world.  
_ _I hated him so much when he dared to tell me that. I hated him more than anyone in my life and I really, really wanted to hurt him. I wanted to hurt him for judging about my life without knowing what it’s like, for being in love with Louis, but above all I hated him because I knew he was right.-_

I collapse on the bed, feeling completely crushed. Tears uncontrollably fall down on my cheeks. I feel the wetness on my skin but it’s nothing like the feeling inside. The feeling of being stabbed in the heart. I keep swallowing the tears away and wipe them with my shirt, but the tears just keep coming. It takes all the willpower within me not to just cry out loud. It hurts so badly, finally knowing the truth. It hurts more than I could have anticipated on. The reality hits me right in the face like a forceful slap.  
All I hear are the thoughts running through my mind:  
We don’t belong. Zayn’s world will never accept our love. His friends and family will never accept our love.  
Hazza will never accept our love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From the very beginning this was one of the chapters I knew that needed to be in the book!  
> It's a very long and emotional chapter and I'm really curious what you guys think of it.
> 
> And one promise: Hazza will be in the next chapter, yeey!


	32. Decision

Even through my foggy vision and disoriented mind I’m able to put the diary back in place. I take a deep breath, trying to collect myself as far as possible. As quietly as I can I leave Zayn’s room, trying to escape the house without running into Zayn’s mother. I can’t face her. And I definitely can’t face Zayn. Not after everything I just read. After finding out the truth so suddenly. It’s overwhelming me and truthfully too much for me to handle.  
I tiptoe down the stairs; I cringe every time I make a sound. Holding my breath, I eventually make it all the way down and immediately race to the door. I quickly open it and rush outside the house, not even thinking about closing the door. Running like a mad man, escaping Zayn’s house in a state of disorientation.

I keep running, sprinting towards my house; or wherever. I try to focus on the run that takes me so much effort and give me a stabbing pain in my side, but my head is still making over-hours. My mind is everywhere, running even harder than my legs. I finally know the truth about basically everything. I finally know how hard it is for Zayn to be gay and how his world will never accept it. How he feels utterly conflicted and pained. I know about the argument between Hazza and Zayn, which I desperately wanted to know about; until now. I know that Hazza is in love with me. I know all of it and it feels like my head is going to explode.  
I finally know and instead of feeling relieved to have answers, I have even more questions. How can I be with Zayn if his world won't accept us? When Hazza won't accept us? And why? Why couldn’t Hazza tell me? And why couldn’t I see it? His actions spoke louder than his words. I just didn’t want to see them. I wanted to believe what he told me. When he said that he was okay with me and Zayn I should have known that he wasn’t. I should have known, just by the way he reacted when he thought I liked Liam, by the way he ignored me for days. How could I have been so blind all this time?

I stop running, trying to catch my breath and making an effort not to barf on the streets. Again. The pain in my side is getting worse and I feel woozy. I try not to panic but it feels like I can’t breathe as the tightness in my chest is getting worse. I’m not even sure if I feel so suffocated because of the run or because of everything I just learned. Either way I need to do something.  
I stand tall, trying to breathe in and out. Breathe Tomlinson. Just breathe. Even short breaths, little exhales. Everything is fine. Everything will be fine.  
Right?

When I can finally breathe pretty steadily I decide to walk again. I try to comprehend the news, maybe even accept it. But there is still one question that is driving me insane. One question I’m too scared to answer: what now?  
I tried to push the thought away for so long. I wanted to avoid it with all costs but now I know. I can’t avoid it any longer. I have to choose between Hazza and Zayn.  
It kills me that I have to choose between someone that is more important to me than the world and someone I’m so madly in love with. It feels so extremely unfair that I even have to make such a hard, impossible decision. But after today I know that it’s something I have to do. Besides, I’ve already hurt both of them. With every choice I have made in the last couple of months I have hurt someone. I have lied, I have caused drama and I have been unfair to both of them. I know I have to make a choice. And whatever choice I’m making next, I will break someone’s heart, including mine.

\-----

In an extremely slow pace, feeling defeated and drained I finally arrive home. When I walk up to the front door I am met with the sight of a worried Hazza. Hazza is here.  
I breathe a sigh of relief. We walk closer towards each other and without saying anything we instantly crush each other in a powerful hug. Hugging each other so forcefully, panting together, and feeling like we missed each other for ages.  
I feel new tears filling my already red, swollen and painful eyes. I’m not sure if I’m crying because I feel pain, disappointment, anger, relief or love. Or maybe it’s all of the above.  
“Haz-“ I say in a broken, husky voice.  
Still holding me tightly, breathing into me he speaks up, “your mother was worried about you when the school called and said you weren’t there. She called me, wanted to know if I knew where you were. I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t ignore you. I called you so many times. I was so worried.”  
“You were?” I sniff.  
He loses his grip on me and slightly moves backwards, resting his hand on my cheek. “Of course,” he sighs. “No matter what happens I’ll always care for you. I always worry.”  
I look up at Hazza and see concerned eyes staring into mine. “What happened? Were you with Zayn?”  
Suddenly I cry out loud. Feeling so hurt, so broken and so utterly unstable as I think about everything I have read, everything I know.  
“What did he do to you? I’m going to-“  
I shake my head. “He didn’t do anything. Not really. I-I just… I don’t know anymore.”  
This whole year has been one of the most emotionally turbulent periods of my life. Making me feel the best I ever felt and the worst.  
“God,” Hazza breathes out. “I’ve missed you so much. I am so sorry.”  
“I’m still angry at you,” I say not even remotely convincing. I am angry, but right now I’m too exhausted and it’s too nice to finally have Hazza at my side again.  
Hazza nods and he carefully strokes my cheeks with his thumb. “I know. I know we have a lot to talk about, but right now you need to go inside and relax.”  
Even if I didn’t want to listen, I don’t have the energy to resist against him.  
Hazza puts an arm around my waist as he helps me inside and carefully helps me sit down on the couch. Before I can grab him to sit down beside me he walks further into the house.  
After a short moment of what seems like complete silence I hear his deep voice and the voice of my mother and brother. They are talking with each other, but I don’t understand what they are saying. For me it sounds like mumbling. Ah well, I don’t even have to eavesdrop to know what they are talking about. 

Hazza comes back and surprisingly without my worried mother or annoying little brother. He sits down beside me and protectively puts his arm around me and I instantly let my head fall down on his chest, leaning and cuddling against him. I know we still have so much to talk about, I still have so much I want to ask and say, but right now I’m just not able to. It’s too good and familiar to be in his arms again, I need it at the moment. Need to feel him beside me and feel his love before we talk. Need the calm before the storm.  
Apparently my body agrees as I almost instantly drift off to sleep. 

\-----

After waking up from my power nap I am finally able to talk. All my questions, my irritations, my confessions, I want to spit all of it out. Almost instantly, still half lying on top of Hazza, I ask him in a desperate manner, “why didn’t you tell me?! Why did you ignore me for so long?”  
Hazza quickly turns his body to look at me. He seems completely taken aback for a moment. “What?”  
“Why didn’t you tell me the truth? WHY?” I scoop closer to him on the couch and forcefully grab his shoulders, clinging so desperately.  
Hazza sighs deeply and looks at me. “I thought my silence was enough.”  
“NO IT WASN’T!” I yell frustrated. “And how could you say all that to Zayn? Tell him that he isn’t good for me! How fucking dare you!”  
“I’m sorry okay?”  
I shake my head. “Sorry isn’t going to make things better. Sorry isn’t enough!”  
“I tried everything Louis, I don’t know what you want from me!” he yells back, seemingly just as frustrated.  
“Why didn’t you tell me you loved me? WHY?” The more we argue, the more I feel the clear irritation in my body, in my veins. As stupid as it may sound: I’m pissed at Hazza for doing this to me. For loving me, for his silence and for making me believe things could work out. For giving me false hope that everything would just be okay.  
He violently shakes his shoulders, getting out of my embrace. “WHY?” he asks with a raised voice as he stands up from his place on the couch. “Why? Because I love you! I tried everything Louis. I did it for you!” his voice breaks on the last words.  
“That’s bullocks!”  
“I can’t take this anymore Lou,” Hazza says with pure sadness in his voice, all of a sudden looking completely broken.  
I don’t know how to reply, I can only stare at him.  
Tears fall down Hazza’s cheeks. I try to reach him, but he takes a step back. Ouch.  
For a short moment there is this icy silence and distance between us. I only hear his soft sniffs and my own heartbeat.  
“Am I not enough?” he asks in a shattered voice, sounding so weak and looking so small even though he towers over me.  
Now it’s my turn to be completely baffled. “What?”  
“Am I not enough for you?” he repeats in a broken voice.  
I quickly stand up from my place on the couch and close the distance between us. I embrace him for a second time today with a strong hug. “Fucking asshole, how can you even say something like that? Don’t do that, don’t say that love,” my last words feel stuck in my throat. Seeing my Hazza so broken, so fucking vulnerable, it breaks my heart. “Don’t ever say that again. I love you,” I speak in a desperate plea.  
“I thought I did what was best for both of us, but I can’t be without you Lou.”  
“I can’t be without you either Haz. You are my everything.”  
We cry together in our embrace, feeling vulnerable and loved at the same time.

\-----

“Why haven’t you told me the truth?” I ask him again after we have calmed down.  
“I thought you knew,” he replies honestly.  
I shake my head, I didn’t know. Not really.  
“When you told me about Zayn I was so angry. I was so angry at you for loving someone else. It took me over a day to calm down. I just didn’t understand…”  
“I didn’t choose to be in love with Zayn,” I reply. Just saying this out loud I can see the pain in his eyes. The pain of knowing I’m in love with someone else. “I’m sorry.”  
Hazza slightly shakes his head and shrugs. “You can’t help it, it’s just… it didn’t even cross my mind that you could fall for someone else you know? I was just so angry because I didn’t think it would ever happen, but I wanted you to be happy. I would do anything for your happiness, even-.” “Even let me be together with Zayn,” I finish.  
“Yeah, or at least I tried,” he sighs and adds, “I really tried Lou, I really did. But when I saw him I got so angry. It felt so wrong. I couldn’t be okay with it, but I didn’t want to hurt you like last time so I tried to ignore you.”  
“You can’t ignore me Haz, I can’t live without you.”  
Hazza’s voice slightly trembles as he speaks, “I can’t live without you either Lou, but…” He seems to hesitate and ponder on his next words. “I don’t think I can go back to how things were before.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I was okay with how things were, because it was just you and me. But now, with Zayn, things have changed. I can’t just be your friend Lou.”  
“You know you are so much more than that,” I express in a serious tone.  
Hazza sighs deeply. “I know, but I want more.”  
“Hazza,” I say in a whispered, but demanding tone as I dare him to look right at me as I speak. “What do you really want?”  
“I just want you. Only you.”  
I grab his trembling hands and fold them around mine, trying to make him relax. Showing him how much I care, how much he means to me. Even if a part of me is still angry and confused, I love him. I love him so much and that matters most.  
“And not just like before,” he speaks again. “I want us to be together, in an official relationship. That is what I want, but I can’t ask you to do that.”  
“Yes you can,” I reply honestly.  
“No, I want you to be happy. And if that is wit-,”  
“No,” I interrupt him steadily and firm. Yes, most of the time Zayn really makes me happy. And a part of me wants to be with Zayn, but it’s so difficult. And as much as I’m in love with Zayn, I can’t lose Hazza. I love him. Hazza makes me happy, makes me feel loved, and makes me feel special. I know this is good, this is right.  
He shakes his head. “No, don’t say that. Not because of me.”  
“But I can’t just ignore what you just said, what you want.”  
“I don’t want you to be with me because you feel sorry for me.” Sadness and defeat is written all over his face and it breaks my heart. That such a wonderful guy, that I probably love more than I love myself, would think that I would date him because I pity him. I can never pity him, I can only feel love.  
“I love you dearly Hazza. God, I just love you so fucking much.”  
Zayn was right. Even though Hazza technically wasn’t my boyfriend, he is the most important person in my life. Hazza is in love with me, but I am also in love with him. Zayn saw it the instant they met. He saw what I couldn’t or didn't want see. He knew. Oh Zayn…  
“I love you too, so, so much,” Hazza says in a warm tone, looking at me with a faint smile.  
I know what to do. I should have done it a long time ago and spare Hazza, Zayn and me the pain all of this has caused. I need to choose. I need to do what’s right, even if it will leave me heartbroken.  
I need to break up with Zayn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so hard to write. I wanted it to be good, because it's such an important chapter, but I'm not sure how I feel about it.  
> I do love the sweet and tender moments between Larry though <3 and I hope you guys liked the chapter!
> 
> Did you guys suspect this would happen? And how do you feel about it (some people are going to be pissed; but please keep it polite, ha!)
> 
> Thank you for the people that support this story with comments, kudos and also reads; it means so much to me!


	33. Breaking up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really busy, but I really wanted to post a chapter. I haven't replied to your comments but thank you so much for the people that took the time and effort to comment; that really means a lot!
> 
> I haven't read this chapter through so I'm sorry if there a mistakes or when it's confusing or anything lol.  
> And if you felt sorry for Zayn in the previous chapter, you are going to feel sorry for him in this chapter!

Hazza stayed the night with me. We were both drained and exhausted from all the emotions, but we still talked till the morning hours. There was so much we needed to talk about. So many things I wanted to say to him, ask him.  
I told Hazza how I found out about most of the things: by reading Zayn’s diary. Even if there was a small sense of guilt knowing I read something so personal, I mainly felt like I needed to read it. I needed to know. Finally I got my answers, even if the answers left me shattered.  
It was hard to tell Hazza about everything that I've read, but I needed to tell him and explain. I needed to clear my conscious. I also told him about the date and even though I saw how hard it was for Hazza to know about it, I felt like it was the honorable thing to do. No more secrets. No more lies.  
And as much as Hazza didn’t want to hear those things and hates Zayn because he loves me, I could see some sort of compassion for Zayn. Hazza is not a heartless pig, hearing how difficult Zayn’s life is affected him as well. It made us both realize how fortunate we are; even though we sometimes still feel like second-class citizens. Zayn is in such a complicated situation and talking about it again, reliving the things I’ve read, made me feel so incredible sad. It made me think of Zayn and how difficult his life is and that was heart wrenching.  
The worst part is that I am going to make it even harder for him. I am going to make it worse by breaking up.

I told Hazza that I wanted to be with him; in a relationship. I was completely sincere about my words, but it still left me in two minds. It definitely wasn’t like I don’t want to be with Hazza. I want to be with him; it feels right. But I asked him for time because of Zayn. I need some time to process this all. I need some time to do this the right way. I can’t just completely throw myself at Hazza after everything I’ve been through with Zayn, after my whole world has been turned upside down.  
Thankfully Hazza understood and agreed. He said so himself that we don’t need to hurry. We can take it easy: “we have all the time in the world. You know I’m waiting for you.”  
I’m grateful that he gives me the time I need because I’m still in love with Zayn.  
I still love Zayn so much and a part of me wants to be with him. That feeling isn’t just going away.  
But as much as I love him I know it can’t work out. There are just too many problems surrounding us.  
All this time I hoped so deeply that it all could just work out, all could turn out perfectly. How could I have been so naïve?  
Yes Zayn and I are in love and we want to be together. But is that enough? Clearly it isn’t.  
If it was only Zayn and me then it might have worked, but it’s so much more than that. It’s all so much more complicated. Zayn wrote it himself: we don’t belong together. The world will never accept our love. His world will never accept our love. My world will never accept our love.

\-----

Yesterday I finally realized what I should do. I need to break up with Zayn.  
The strange thing is, as I walk to my class, towards Zayn, I don’t even feel that awful. Actually I feel kind of relieved. It’s like I finally know what to do, I finally made a choice. Somehow that gives me peace of mind. This is all for the better. This is how it should be.  
After all this going back and forth between Hazza and Zayn, hurting everyone in the process, I’m finally willing to do the right thing. Finally make a choice, be honest, be a man.

With a new found confidence I walk inside the classroom. My eyes immediately focus on Zayn.  
Oh dear. He looks at me with a sad expression. It’s like in some way he already knows. He knows something is up, something isn’t right, but does he know what I’m planning to do? Does he realize I’m going to break his heart? That I’m going to break my heart?  
Suddenly this wonderful idea doesn’t seem so right anymore.  
“Lost your ability to walk Tomlinson?” Nick speaks up, laughing along with Matt.  
I ignore his stupidity as I walk towards Zayn. The closer I get to this beautiful, lovely, broken boy, the more I want to move back. With every step I take further, I want to run away. Move away from him.  
When I’m finally at our table I breathe in very deeply. Come on Tomlinson, be a man.  
I sit down next to Zayn and give him a kiss on his cheek. A long but airy kiss. For me it’s a goodbye kiss, a sigh that this really is the end.  
Zayn moves his hand until it’s wrapped around mine as he slightly pinches in it. It’s such a small gesture, such a small touch, but it leaves me breathless. I feel overwhelmed. Words are stuck in my throat. I can’t even say hi. I look at him for a moment, hoping that my eyes can convey what my voice can’t seem to do.  
This is it.

\-----

The moment the bell rings everyone immediately stands up from their place and walks away. Everyone that is except for me and Zayn. Zayn probably feels my hesitation, my worry. I haven’t said a word since class started. I just stared at the teacher, giving him the impression I was paying attention when truthfully my mind felt numb.  
Words are still stuck in my throat and I honestly don’t know how to do this.  
Zayn turns his attention towards me and I can feel his eyes bore into me. I can’t ignore him any longer. I have to do this now.  
I slightly turn around, not quite meeting his eyes. “I’m sorry,” I mumble.  
Zayn inhales a sharp breath.  
“So this is it?” he asks remarkably calm, after a moment of complete silence.  
It’s like I didn’t even have to say anything else. It’s like he formed the puzzle himself, words are unnecessary.  
“Yeah,” I whisper.  
“It’s because of Hazza isn’t it?”  
I violently shake my head, “no.” It frustrates me that he blames this on Hazza. How can he blame Hazza after all that he did for me? Hazza finally told me the truth and still wanted me to be with Zayn so I could be happy. He is so amazing and he doesn’t deserve anyone blaming him.  
“It’s not about him,” I try to explain without showing my irritation, my pain. “It’s about everything.” If Zayn needs to blame someone it should be me for making this fucking mess. For starting something that obviously couldn’t work. These months have been fantastic and extremely difficult. All the lying and guilt, next to my mother’s illness and my friend in jail, made me go crazy. I loved to be with Zayn but there was always a problem. I know Zayn will probably never be completely open about his sexuality. I will always be a ‘friend’ to his family and friends. He will always be cautious and scared. I can’t deal with that.  
After reading Zayn’s diary I now finally understand that he tried so hard. He did all that he could do within his limits. I want to tell Zayn how sorry I am that he has to live this lie, this complicated life. I want to comfort him and tell him that I finally know how hard all of this is for him, but it probably only makes him angry. Pissed off that I've read his diary, that I've invaded his privacy.  
Besides, I will never fully understand his situation. I can only wish things will be better for him, but I can’t be a part of that.  
“I’m sorry; I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t live a lie.”  
“I know it was hard for you, but you wanted to give me a chance,” Zayn states, seemingly confused. “What changed?”  
Your diary has changed me, Hazza has changed me. “Me,” I reply.  
Zayn sighs deeply. “I just want an answer.”  
“I just gave you one.”  
Zayn shakes his head. “I know it’s not about me, about my life, it’s about Hazza.”  
“Why are you trying to blame Hazza?” I say irritated, feeling like I need to stand up for him.  
“Cause it’s the truth!” he yells angrily, slamming his fists on the table.  
“That’s a load of shit!” I reply, feeling all my emotions rush in.  
“Please just tell me the truth?” he asks me desperately.  
Now that my emotions are involved I feel the anger coming up. I tried to do this the nice way, knowing how hard everything is for him, but he can’t always blame Hazza for everything. He blamed Harry from the beginning. Every time I even mentioned his name he became clearly irritated. Most of our arguments started with his name. He always gave Hazza the fault. Like he is the reason this relationship isn’t working and that really pisses me off.  
“I just fucking told you the truth! It’s because of you! It’s because I have to live a lie when I’m with you!” I yell at him. I know this is hurting him and it’s just as pathetic as Zayn is for blaming Hazza. I am blaming Zayn. I know what I say is wrong and childish. I’m only making it worse, but somehow I can’t change it. I just basically told him what Hazza also told him in the argument, what made him feel like Hazza was right; that Zayn isn’t enough for me.  
“Fuck you,” he hisses.  
I can see the fire in his eyes. The anger I feel inside are reflected in his eyes.  
The thing is, I’m not even angry at Zayn, I’m just so bloody frustrated about this whole situation. I’m angry that I have to break up with such an amazing guy. I’m angry about everything.  
This is all so seriously messed up and I hate it. I hate this feeling, the feeling of being stuck. Instead of showing my true feelings, my love, my pain, I feel the anger take control of me. I’m so angry and frustrated and I’m taken it out on Zayn. I’m frustrated because I’m still so in love with Zayn and I don’t want to lose him, but I know I have to.  
“No, fuck you!” I scream angrily, standing up with so much force my chair falls down with a loud bang. I clench my fists, feeling my heart rise. If I had never met him, I wouldn’t have to stand here feeling so enraged and broken. “FUCK YOU FOR COMING IN MY LIFE!” I can’t control the words that come out of my mouth. “I HATE YOU!”  
Without having noticed, suddenly different students stand with us in the classroom. They probably hope to see a fight, wanting to see the action. And if Zayn won’t leave soon, it might happen. I want to break his gorgeous face for letting me fall in love with him.  
“You’re pathetic,” he spits.  
Before I can even reply or do something he walks away, shoving his chair back and stomping to the exit. I’m still breathing erratically as I stare at the door that Zayn walks through, seeing the students back away from him.  
When Zayn is gone the students walk away as well, leaving me alone in the classroom together with my rage and shame.  
They don’t care about me; all they wanted was to witness a fight. I honestly don’t care. Since the first day of this school year I hated this place and mostly the people in it. I hated everyone so much. That hasn’t changed. I still hate them. I hate all of them. Especially Zayn.


	34. Heartbreak

The last few days I was a crying, sobbing mess. I didn’t go to school on Friday and I stayed in bed for the whole weekend (not that that is anything unusual nowadays).   
When I finally left the classroom (was ordered by a teacher) I was still fuming with rage. It was like the anger completely took control of me. And for the first time I was also really angry with Hazza. Why did he have to love me? If Hazza wouldn’t have said those words he said, would I have been standing there screaming to Zayn? Is it true that I broke up because I didn’t belong in Zayn’s world? Because his family and friends will not accept me? Or does it all come back to Hazza like Zayn said?  
I was so full of rage that I honestly don’t even remember half of how I felt or what I did. The rage possessed me and I could only go along with it.  
It took a few hours to minimize my anger. After the rage subsided I realized what I did. I broke up with Zayn and I told him I hated him. I blamed him for everything. The realization came crashing in and overwhelmed me once more. I felt so awful about it and suddenly I couldn’t stop crying. It’s a vicious circle. Every time something happens I get angry, I cry and I’m broken. Feelings completely overwhelm me and I honestly don’t know how to change it.  
Why didn’t I tell him the truth? Why did I let the anger get the best of me? I made myself angry by just a few simple irritations because the underlying emotions were so much scarier. It’s hard for me to be open and honest about my emotions, admitting my real feelings. So instead of showing him how much I still loved him, I became angry; furious even.

After a terrible night, feeling so heartbroken and ashamed, Hazza came to comfort me. He never pushed me for anything; just held me in his embrace and soothed me as he rubbed my back and stroked my hair. And as amazing as Hazza’s support felt and feeling him beside me again, I also felt conflicted as he soothed me. I wanted him near me, I needed it, but I also couldn’t deal with it.   
I felt so awful about the way I handled things with Zayn, hurting him more than I ever intended to do. Hazza understood my pain, or in all honesty he tried. He tried his best to be there for me without being too close, but I could see that it took willpower. He finally got his happy ending, but I wasn’t ready to give myself completely. Not yet.   
I was so broken about Zayn. If I just gave myself to Hazza, both emotionally and physically, I couldn’t forgive myself. Zayn at least deserved that I mourned. I wanted, needed to feel the pain, the sorrow, the heartbreak. I deserved all the pain after my pathetic way of breaking up with such a wonderful guy. I don’t suddenly think that Zayn is perfect, far from it, but he didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve my harsh words, especially after everything I read about him. I only made it worse and that feels terrible. That feels heart wrenching.   
Besides, even if I wanted to give myself to Hazza I just simply wasn’t able to. The last few days have been hell.

Tomorrow I have to go to school; it’s a requirement because they will give us information about our final exams. I need to survive one school day seeing Zayn and being confronted with his presence and his beauty.  
Thankfully, after tomorrow we have two free weeks to study for our exams. The comfort of knowing that is the only thing that keeps me from falling down completely. 

\---------------

“Students, can I get your attention?” Mrs. Liang speaks loudly. “The principal wants to talk to each of you individually.”  
That catches everyone’s attention. All the students look up in surprise.   
“It probably has something to do with Louis,” Matt immediately replies and everyone starts to laugh and look at me. Everyone except for Zayn. He hasn’t looked at me once.   
Today was the first time in my whole high school period that I was 15 minutes early. I wanted to arrive before Zayn so I could sit down and hide behind my books. As everyone else walked inside the classroom I secretly glanced at them, but as soon as someone looked back I duck my head down. I wanted to avoid the stares, the conversations. The moment Zayn arrived I did however look a bit longer. He never, not even once, looked at my direction and sat as far away from our standard place as possible. It was almost as infuriating as the fact that he still looked so incredible handsome.   
“Come on, we don’t have all day,” Mrs. Liang says irritated. “You can go first mister Gloom.”   
Matt Gloom chuckles in response, probably thinking he is so cool and tough. Alongside Nick Grimshaw, he is the biggest idiot of this school, or at least of this class. He is extremely arrogant, but actually mostly just a sad, pathetic child. I can’t believe that Zayn was friends with him! Unbelievable!  
Zayn…  
No Tomlinson! Don’t look at him and don’t think about him. Try to accept the sadness. Accept the fact that it’s over and that it will never be anything anymore. Don’t think about the fact that Zayn has no problems with you crying in your bed. No. Think about Hazza. Hazza: the guy who loves you unconditionally. They guy that gave everything up just to make you happy. Hazza also had a lot of pain. He missed you.   
Oh Hazza. What you have done for me? All of it.   
Shit. Here I am making myself even more depressed.   
“You’re next Tomlinson,” Matt grins.  
“Oooh,” everyone calls in unison, looking at me with lots of curiosity as they whisper to each other. Again, everyone except Zayn. Ouch.

When I go into the Principal’s office I’m unpleasantly surprised to see that Ms. Boonstra is there as well. Oh shit.   
“Ha mister Tomlinson, glad you are here. Sit down.” Principal Lens gestures for me to sit.   
Stiff with nerves I sit down, like a plastic doll that is still in its package. My face is white and I stare at them with big, terrified eyes. I just know something is wrong, especially with Ms. Boonstra in the room.   
“Relax Louis, we just have some questions for you. First of all, why are you so nerves?”  
“Well everyone in the class claimed it had to do with me… so yeah.”   
Principal Lens quietly chuckles. “There is always a fall guy in the classroom.”  
Excuse me? “I’m not a whipping boy,” I mumble irritated.   
“Alright,” he nods. “Let’s get down to business shall we? Ms. Boonstra’s exam got stolen.”  
“STOLEN?” I ask amazed.  
“Yes.”  
And suddenly I understand. Fucking Ms. Boonstra thinks I did it! WTF?  
“So Ms. Boonstra thinks I did it right?” I say harshly as I look at Ms. Boonstra.  
“Well, she suspects it, but of course there is no evidence.”  
“Well this is fucking bullshit!” I scream.   
“Language! Mister Tomlinson,” Principal Lens says sternly.  
“Sorry but this is seriously fuc- I mean stupid.”  
“I get that you don’t like the accusation.”  
Of fucking course not!   
“So maybe you can tell me in all honesty: have you stolen the exam?”  
“No of course not,” I shake my head.  
Principal Lens nods thankfully, “alright.”  
For a moment Ms. Boonstra looks completely flabbergasted. “How do we know he isn’t lying?”   
“I believe in the honesty of my students Ms. Boonstra”  
Boonstra huffs with an annoyed look, but doesn’t say anything else.   
What a fucking bitch! How dare she accuse me of this? Of everything! The moment I came into her class she hated me and she used it against me. It’s all because of her! She decided to put Zayn and me together for an assignment. If we never did that assignment together I would have never fallen in love with Zayn! I would have never broken up with him! I would have never felt so much pain! It’s because of this bitch. Everything always is.   
I’m furiously chewing my gum, glaring at her with fire in my eyes. I’m so close, I can easily hit her. Just a swipe and she would have a nosebleed or maybe even a broken nose. It would be so amazing, finally letting all my anger out. Giving her what she rightfully deserves. But I would be suspended and I can’t permit that right before the exams.   
I try to calm myself down by putting my hands underneath my legs. I feel my legs tremble and my hands automatically move into a fist, fingernails pressing against my own skin.   
“That will be all, you can go Tomlinson.”   
Without another word I stomp away from the office. I walk through the hall, towards the classroom. I open the door with so much force that it hits the wall. I feel so much anger inside me and just one wrong word and I’m about to hit someone. I walk inside the class and everyone looks up, startled, no one dares to ask or say anything.   
Briefly I look back at the only person that matters to me. He doesn’t look back at me, is just staring at his book. It hurts so bad that he doesn’t even look at me. I want to scream at him, I want him to look at me; but why? I was the one who broke up with him. I was the one who made this mess, with the help of my lovely teacher Ms. Boonstra.  
I grab my bag and storm out of the room, running away from the school. I can’t deal, I can’t deal with this. I can’t deal with the pain.

\-----------------

It’s a week and a day after I last saw Zayn. I’m so thankful that we got two weeks off to study for our exams. I should use this time to study for my exams, but of course I still haven’t done anything for school. I am too busy trying to occupy my mind with anything except Zayn.  
It should be a blessing that I don’t have to see him right now. Yes, partly it is. I’m not getting distracted by his beautiful face. But at the other hand, it feels like I miss him even more.   
I know I’m pretty pathetic. First I break it up in such an immature way, saying I hate him and the next minute I yearn for him. It’s too freaking funny, but I’m not the one who is laughing. I’m bitterly grimacing at the world. It really makes me question my sanity. I just fuck everything up.  
I try to get my mind off of Zayn by irritating my friends by visiting unannounced and beg them to entertain me. I just really need someone around me. I can’t be alone. I could never handle it, but right now it’s even worse. Obviously I mostly visit Hazza and he is the only one (of fucking course) who doesn’t tell me to ‘fuck off’. He seems far too happy whenever I’m with him, even though he should study and even if half of the time I’m whining and sulking. As much as I enjoy being with Hazza and feeling him close to me, every time I’m with him I can’t seem to forget about Zayn. Even though it sounds extremely odd, it almost feels like they are connected with each other. I think it’s just because I’m still so sad. I know that being heartbroken takes a lot of time to heal, but it’s just so hard to cope with.   
I should feel relieved that it’s finally over, that I finally made a decision. But instead I now feel heartbroken.   
I’m just thankful that I have my friends, and above all that I have my Hazza. Without him I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t cope. He is so patient with me. He is so special. He knows I need time to get over Zayn. He gets that I’m not cheerful right now. After everything I put him through I’m amazed he understands. That he has the patient. That he gets me. I’m just so fortunate. And as long as I have him, I’m alright.  
“It’s alright,” I finally answer my mother.  
“But you’re still hurt right?” she asks me with a sad, knowing smile while she rubs my hand.  
I nod. It still hurts. It hurts a lot.  
“I know sweetheart, but it will take time. It’s normal to feel like this.”  
“Yeah you are probably right…” my voice trails off as I think about Zayn.   
“Lou?” My mother asks me and I look up at her. “Have you made the right choice?”   
“Yes,” I say without any doubt.  
A bit surprised she looks at me, but I can also see proud in her eyes.   
You probably don’t believe me, but yes I really feel that I’ve made the right choice. And this isn’t the immature Louis Tomlinson speaking. I really mean it. That doesn’t mean I have accepted it already. I can’t. I still love Zayn. I still want to be with him. I just know I shouldn’t.  
Besides, after the way I spoke to him I doubt he will even want me back. It’s for the best. It shouldn’t happen again, it’s in the past. It was an amazing part of my life. It was lovely, exciting, nerve-racking and frustrating but so incredible. It just doesn’t work. Zayn and I don’t belong. Hazza and I do.   
“But how are you feeling?” I ask her. Okay my mind hasn’t exactly been with my mother a lot, but she is still my mother. I love her so much and I just want her to be healthy. My mother is always there for me when I need her even when she is sick. It’s now almost a month that she is on prednisone. In the beginning we saw a lot of big changes. She had a lot more energy, was brighter and she was less stuffy. But lately I don’t really see big changes or improvement. She still can’t work or do heavy stuff and she’s still easily out of breath.   
“Alright,” she shrugs. “The doctor thinks it was an old bacterium and the prednisone should be able to take it away, but they told me to be patient. Apparently it will take a lot of time to heal.”  
“Well thankfully you have utter patient,” I chuckle sarcastically. My mother is just as antsy as me. She can never sit still or do nothing.   
“I know right?” she smiles back and gives me a quick kiss on my cheek.  
“But I’m glad that, even if it takes a lot of time, you keep getting better.”   
“Yeah me too, I just think because it goes so slowly I almost don’t see the changes, but they are definitely there. I feel better.”  
“That’s great mum,” I say with a smile as I give her a big hug. “I’m tired, I’m going to bed. Bye mum.”

I know I should be studying for my exams but every time I even take a look at my book the letters are blurry. Somehow I can’t read and take it in. I’m too confused, too hurt.   
I lay down on my bed without changing or even brushing my teeth. Whenever it’s daytime I can occupy myself with Hazza or other stuff, but when it’s time to sleep I have time to think, time to feel. I’m yearning for Zayn so badly that it hurts. I miss his smell, his touch, his laugh. How long will this last? How long will I feel this pain?  
“I’ve made the right choice. I’ve made the right choice,” I keep repeating to myself, as long as it takes for me to finally believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is another sad chapter but I promise that more happy moments will come soon (partly of course, since this story is all about the drama lol).  
> But I think this chapter was absolutely necessary, I try to make it as realistic as possible and I don't think it would be realistic if Louis suddenly wasn't sad about Zayn and what he did to him!
> 
> I've guessed numbers before (never correct lol), but this time I'm almost 100 percent sure that there will be 4 more chapters. So it's really close to the end now! 
> 
> I've already posted the first chapter of my new book I want to write and I hope you check it out and tell me if you want me to write that story. Here is a little info about it.  
> Holiday Secrets:  
> Harry Styles is in his second year of University, studying abroad in the United States.  
> When Harry can’t afford to go home for Christmas, his roommate William Tomlinson decides to take him along with his family.   
> William barely talks about his family and is very secretive about his twin brother Louis Tomlinson.   
> When Harry meets the family he is instantly intrigued with Louis. Louis is beautiful and sweet but extremely shy and secretive, especially around Harry.   
> As time progresses Harry learns more about Louis, but what is Louis hiding? What is his secret?


	35. Exams

Days pass. Sometimes it feels like the days go by in a flash and other times it feels like time stands still.  
Whenever I think about Zayn it feels like the clock is ticking without moving. But whenever I think about my exams the time suddenly goes extremely fast; growing closer and closer towards my exams even though I’m not even remotely ready. Tomorrow I’ll have my first official exam. The nerves run through my body, making me feel nauseous. The relax vibe and the ‘it-will-be-alright’ kind of attitude I had this year when it comes to school is completely gone. It’s so bloody close now. Only one day, or to be precise: thirteen hours and four minutes, and I’m about to start my first three-hour exam English.  
Besides my stress about the exams and all the moments that I think of Zayn, I also feel stress about my future. I personally don’t want to think about it but my parents have persuaded me to look for schools after I graduate. My mother keeps pushing me and giving me ideas for appropriate schools. I know she means well and she only tries to help, but frankly I can’t have that right now. I already have so many things to worry about. And I don’t even know if I want to go to college. It will probably be like high school: everyone will hate me from the get go. They will think I’m a racist and they will not even give me a chance. I don’t want to go through another few years of hell. I want to be free. Besides, after my poor attempts of learning for the last couple of weeks I doubt I’ll graduate. Meaning: I need to survive another year at this god-forsaken school.  
Right now I have the choice to bust my ass off for tomorrow’s exam or I can go to Hazza. The choice is rather easy.

\-----

“I’ll be there in a jiffy, just need to make a phone call for school.”  
I nod as I automatically go upstairs to his room. I sit down on his beanbag and grab Dusty, putting him on my lap. He struggles for a moment, until he finds a comfortable position on my lap. As I pet him I hear loud purring sounds.  
“You are such a sweet cat, such a beautiful cat,” I say in an extremely high-pitched and childish voice, making him spin even faster and louder.  
“Ready,” Hazza says as he plops down next to me and gives me a kiss on the cheek.  
“Shall we watch a movie?” I propose.  
Hazza nods and turns around to look at me. “You look better,” he states with a relieved smile.  
“Well apart from my stomach that is flipping from nerves, I do feel better.” It’s true, I do feel better. I can now be with Hazza without constantly thinking about Zayn. I’m still not a ray of sunshine, but I do notice a difference within me. I still think about Zayn all the time, but it hurts less. I don’t cry myself to sleep anymore, or feel completely shattered. I still miss him and am still in love with him, but I finally learnt to accept it.  
Beforehand I had mixed feeling about yearning for Zayn so deeply. Did I make the wrong choice? How could I say that I loved Hazza so much and wanted to be with him when I still had doubts about my decision?  
Now I realize that it’s normal that I still have feelings for Zayn. Such strong feelings don’t just go away. That doesn’t mean I made the wrong choice, it only means I feel so much love for Zayn. It also doesn’t change the love that I feel for Hazza. It doesn’t make it less real or less strong. I love Hazza so dearly. The love I feel for Hazza is unique. Loving someone else doesn’t change that.  
“I’m so happy to see you feel better,” Hazza says with so much tenderness, resting his hand on my knee.

\-----

The rest of the day we basically pretend to watch a silly romantic movie, but mostly just talk, cuddle and have fun together.  
That’s the beauty with Hazza. Besides everything he is also my best friend. We can chill and laugh together without having to worry about anything. It’s just so comfortable, so easy. ‘He is at ease’ as Zayn wrote in his diary… ouch.  
“What’s wrong?” Hazza raises his eyebrows, instantly knowing something is up.  
“Nothing,” I smile reassuringly. And it’s true. As much as it pains me that Zayn felt so awful about it, it makes me happy. Yeah I am at ease with Hazza. It feels so natural, so good. It’s all I need. He is all I need.  
Hazza gives me space when I need it, comforts me whenever I feel lonely and makes me laugh whenever I feel sad. He is just so amazing through all of this and I can’t be more grateful to have such a wonderful person in my life.  
It was always Hazza. Hazza was always the one I could count on. He was there for me and did basically everything for me. And now I want to give back; I want to be there for him, love him and make him happy. Yeah, I especially want to make him happy. He deserves it and I want to do it. I want to be there for him as he is there for me. I love him so much.  
“I want to grow old with you,” I add.  
Hazza looks at me with the biggest smile on his face since ages. It’s his special smile that he only shows when he looks at me. His most loving smile which shows off his cute dimples, make the corners of his eyes crinkle and make his green eyes sparkle.

\-----------------

It’s a Tuesday, I’m in the middle of my exams and where am I right now? At a hardcore party. It’s a simple, illegal party at a secluded, empty house. It’s nothing spectacular (what can you expect on a Tuesday?) but it is exactly what I need.  
I hadn’t seen Zayn for over two weeks, until yesterday at our first exam. As long as I didn’t saw Zayn I could at least try and make a poor attempt of not missing him. And as much as I yearned for him, I slowly but surely felt a bit better, less heartbroken. I still missed him like crazy, but it didn’t hurt so much as the first two weeks.  
But then as I suddenly saw him again on Monday and all the pain came rushing back in. Yesterday was the first time he looked back at me as I walked inside the room. When our eyes connected his serious expression faltered and he looked at me with a pained expression. He looked sad, very sad. It was overwhelming to see the pain in his eyes, I just wanted to scream. I was the reason that he was like this. I did it. It killed me so much to see him and his pain that all I wanted to do was go to him, talk to him and even kiss him.  
I did nothing.  
Instead I sat down on my place and repeated that this is for the best. It’s over, it’s okay. But when the examiner gave me my exam all I could think about was Zayn. I tried to concentrate on my exam, but my vision kept showing me the look on Zayn’s face when our eyes connected.  
I couldn’t handle the fact that I caused his sadness and I kept thinking about it even after my exam. I couldn’t focus on studying; I couldn’t even talk with Hazza to make me feel better. There was only one thing that could take my mind off of Zayn and his beautiful face and sad expression, or at least partly. Partying.  
So that is why I’m here at a hardcore party with XTC running through my veins. Hakken on the music, going along with the beat. Dancing like a fool and feeling the bass in my body, like I’m one with the music. The music possesses me. I can only feel the music and there is nothing like it. The adrenaline rush, it makes your go numb, go in a trance. And that is all I want. To forget everything and just feel the music, feel the drugs in my body. Feel the greatness of life.  
“HARDCORE TILL WE DIE!” I scream with one hand in the air as I keep dancing.

\-----------------

I am freaking exhausted as I sit down for my Science Exam. I practically partied until I fell down on the ground. Because of the adrenaline and the wonderful feeling I had during the party I didn’t even feel tired. It was my way to escape and I finally was able to. I finally could forget about everything. I didn’t worry about my mom, about my exams, my future, about Zayn or about Hazza. For the first time in forever I didn’t feel guilty or felt like I let someone down. I felt amazing, like I could handle anything. Like the world was just the beginning of my greatness, I could do all, achieve all.  
Unfortunately, that amazing feeling completely dies the next day. When you wake up it feels like the worst hangover you have ever experienced. You feel sad, depressed and unbalanced. Yesterday it seemed like the greatest idea of all time, but at the moment it feels like the most idiotic thing I’ve ever done. Obviously it doesn’t even come close to the stupidest thing I’ve done. I’ve done worse, far worse. The decisions I made this year are proof of that. Basically I’m just such a failure. Ugh.  
I don’t look at Zayn this time. I don’t want to see his face or even acknowledge his presence. I know he is in the room, but I ignore it. It’s something I’m not very good at, but at least I can try.  
As the teacher walks to my table to give me my exam I want to ignore that as well. Why bother trying? Why sit here feeling fucking miserable when I know I’ll fail my exam and probably all my exams?  
All the teachers, especially Ms. Boonstra, always reminded us how your future depends on these few weeks. They say it in the most subtle way possible: ‘if you fail you will be nowhere, you will be forever washing dishes. Is that what you want?’ Basically they say: don’t fuck it up or you won’t achieve anything. And that should make people feel better? It’s bloody ridiculous!  
“And it’s time to start, good luck.”  
I stare at my pieces of paper. Right now washing dishes seems like a wonderful job. Just something simple. No worries, just dishes. I can’t possibly fuck that up too can I?

\-----------------

After my horrible exam I ride back to my home. I still feel gloomy and like I can’t do anything right. My instinct is to call Hazza, wanting him near me. But Hazza is working on a project with fellow students and I don’t want to bother him. If I would call him to tell him I’m not feeling well he would instantly come over. I don’t want him to ditch his fellow students because I’m such a fucking mess. This failure needs to handle things without Hazza.  
I arrive home, step of my bike and lock it, and walk to the backyard, hearing laughter. As I move closer I see Tom and Cas playing football. My mother is sitting on a bench, looking at them with a satisfied smile on her face. She is still not back to her old self, but there is a certain light in her eyes. I see happiness.  
“Be careful!” she yells at the boys as Tom kicks the ball in her precious plants.  
Suddenly I think back to my own childhood.  
We had a swing in the garden, which my father had made himself. It was made out of wood and it creaked terribly. But that didn’t bother me at all, I loved it. I loved the feeling of flying, of going as high as possible. My mother however was terrified of that thing. She always kept an eye on me whenever I was on the swing. She was absolutely sure that one day that thing would break. I laughed and swung while my mother looked at me anxiously. With each cracking sound she screamed frightened: “careful! Not too hard.”  
I loved the swing and I didn’t feel any fear whatsoever, until the accident. Apparently (although I barely remember) the rope broke on one side. I fell down and broke my wrist. It was the first time I broke something and I cried loudly, feeling the worst pain a kid could feel. Before the accident I faked a lot of tears and pretended that I fell all the time, but after that time I didn’t. The fun about faking pain was completely gone.  
“Hey love,” my mother calls me as she waves at me.  
I snap out of my daze and look back at her. She smiles at me with motherly warmth and love. Back then when I broke my wrist my mother was there to comfort me. And even now when I’m older I know she is still there for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank the few people with their support because that means so much to me!  
> I hope that more people take the time/effort to comment or vote on my story though; it makes me motivated to write (and write sooner).  
> I don't want to be pushy, but comments and votes show me that people appreciate my chapter/story that I write for you guys. Also if you have feedback or something; tell me.
> 
> Okay so I hope you liked this chapter (a lot is going on, sorry if it's too much). And now there are only 3 more to go! 
> 
> If you want you can check out my new story, called: Holiday Secrets (Larry au).


	36. Prince Charming

The exams are almost over and I’m not even tired. All my ‘nice’ fellow students seem completely destroyed and exhausted. Why not me?  
Well basically it’s because of Zayn. After seeing him again last Monday he was all that I could think about. His sad expression, which I caused, was all that mattered. Somehow school didn’t matter anymore. I made all my exams with the idea of failing in my mind, making them without fear, without being afraid of the results.  
Sometimes, in fact every time I saw Zayn, I had the tendency to go to him, but I stopped myself from doing that. What could I have done that would make it better? I could have talked to him and what, apologize? Would that have made a difference? Somehow I feel like a simple chat won’t change things.  
I just have to live with the pain of missing him.  
“Just one exam to go, right?” my father asks me between taking a bite of his pasta.  
I sigh relieved, “yes.” Just one more day of seeing Zayn, I can handle that.  
“How is Zayn?”  
He has pain, grief. I saw it in his eyes. I saw it everywhere I looked. His whole facial and body expression screamed sadness.  
“How the fuck am I supposed to know?” I reply extremely irritated.  
“Sorry, I won’t ask it again,” my mother smiles understandingly.  
“It’s okay,” I try to say calmly, try to be friendly. I don’t want to fight with my mum; she already has enough to deal with.  
“Lou?” Thomas asks me. “Are you sad?”  
We all look up at him in surprise. Normally whenever Tom asks me something it’s for attention, to play, not to ask me how I feel.  
I briefly smile at him. “A little, but it will be alright.”  
“Hazza wants you to smile again, me too.”  
An inaudible gasp escapes my mouth. Oh, I didn’t know that. I know Hazza wants me to be happy again, but apparently so does Tom and that makes me so incredible happy. As much as my little brother annoys me, I do care about him. We care about each other.  
I quickly stand up from my seat and walk towards Tom to give him a hug. I grab him under his arms, slightly move away from the table and spin him around, making him laugh. He smiles widely as I play with him and thankfully without throwing up his pasta.  
I put him down and ruffle his hair. “Thanks little brother, I’ll be alright.”

Hours later, I wake up from a terrible nightmare with tears in my eyes. I keep imagining Zayn’s sad expression, Hazza’s disappointment in me, Ms. Boonstra who tells me I'm failure and my mother who can’t handle it anymore. I feel so bad, I’m sweating and my body trembles. I wrap my sheets closer around me and move back and forth. From the inside I’m screaming.

\-------------

“Sir, when we’ll we hear?” Matt asks anxiously.  
“You mean if you passed the exams?”  
Matt nods. “Yes I really want to know.”  
That annoying, hopeless and pathetic boy is acting even more pathetic than usual. But this time it is in a different way. He doesn’t joke around or try to be macho; he seems dead serious and scared. It’s like he desperately needs to graduate from high school. And something tells me that his parents are behind this. You have parents that force their children to do extremely well at school, to persevere at all costs. They give their children so much pressure.  
And suddenly I feel (slightly) kind of sorry for this awful kid. I can’t even imagine how frustrating it would be to have parents like that.  
“You will know in two weeks.” Mr. Whitman replies.  
“Two weeks?” I hear a lot of people in my class mumble.  
They are all extremely anxious about the results, but I am not. Not really. I’m almost certain that I failed most of my exams since they went disastrous. So it wouldn’t come as a surprise if I would hear I failed. But the thing that does make me antsy and panicky is the fact that failing means I have to stay at this awful place for another year. Of course all my classmates will hate me again and I’ll probably get Ms. Boonstra as a teacher again. Just to make my life hellish. That would seriously make this year complete.  
My phone buzzes and I quickly open the message:  
 _Hey Lou! Congrats! Exams are over, yeey! I just finished my last paper =D Talk to you soon X Bitch_  
With a big smile on my face I read the text. Whatever the outcome, I can finally enjoy some free time. Some time away from school.  
“Okay students you can go and you’ll hear from us soon,” Mr. Whitman announces enthusiastically.  
Everyone quickly emerges from the room, including Zayn.  
By the look on Matt’s face he certainly won’t enjoy his free time until he knows the results, as probably a lot of other students. Zayn on the other hand will enjoy his free time. Without having spoken to him I know that he made it, most likely with the best grades of the whole class. Zayn has always been very serious about his school work and even if he didn’t learn he would probably still make it. Besides, just a few minutes ago (I totally wasn’t looking…) I saw a faint relieved smile on his face. High school is over for him. From now on everything about this place will be behind him, be in his past.  
Even I will be in his past.

\-----------------

“HAZZ!” I scream from outside his house. Apparently nobody except Hazza is home and he will clearly not hear my yelling above the music. He is playing his music extremely loud, as usual. I can even hear the vibrations of the bass from outside!  
“HAZZA!” I burst out from the top of my lungs with all the energy I have in me. Still nothing.  
Attentively I listen to the bass, feel the bass and wait. When this song finishes and before a new song starts I’ll scream.  
Now. “HAROLD!” I scream with all my lung capacity.  
It seems as if nothing happens for a moment, but soon enough he opens his window and sticks his head out. He smiles at me. “I’m coming.”  
Within a couple of minutes he is downstairs and quickly opens the door for me. “Lou,” he says happily.  
“That was about time,” I grin as I give him a simple kiss on the mouth.  
“Done with your exams?”  
“Yes,” I nod enthusiastically. Of course there is this huge chance I failed, but for now I don’t want to think about that. I’m done with school for this year, done with obligations. Why bother worry about what might happen next when I have a whole summer to enjoy? A summer filled with my group of friends and hardcore parties! A summer to forget about this year, leave it in the past.  
“We are going to party so freaking hard this summer!” I bounce excitedly, pinching Hazza’s cheeks.  
He stares at me, seemingly surprised.  
“What?” I laugh.  
He shakes his head and with a goofy smile on his face he confesses: “nothing. It’s just… you’re so cheerful.”  
“Oh do you rather want me to be grumpy?”  
“Ha-ha, no thank you,” Hazza laughs. 

\-----

We’re lying together in the park, enjoying the beginning of the summer. I hadn’t noticed the heat before because I was too busy with my exams (or better said with Zayn). But now as I lie with my head on Hazza’s stomach, while the sun shines on our bodies, I feel the warmth. I feel the start of the summer.  
I wish that Hazza was done with his first year of college as well (he still has three weeks to go) so that we could run away together. I want to have a fresh start, a fresh start with Hazza and forget about everything. And with everything yes I mean Zayn. Getting away from this place can take my mind off of him. A holiday could do that. Maybe go on a holiday to Spain? I’ve been there before and I absolutely loved it. The people were friendly, the sun was constantly shining and the food was fantastic. Someday I’m going to live there together with Hazza.  
“You will always be with me right?” I wonder.  
“Of course,” he says without a minute of hesitation, holding my hand even firmer. “No matter what happens, we will always be together. We belong together.”  
“Forever,” I add with a smile.  
He strokes my hand with his thumb as a form of agreement.  
We belong together; that is exactly how I feel.  
For a moment I end up back in dreamland. I often think about my dreamland and about perfection. I strive for perfection, even though I know it doesn’t exist. I just wish I could have everything I ever wanted, have my perfect life. But what is perfection? When can I be completely satisfied with what I have? Is that moment now as my relationship with Hazza becomes more serious? Or will it be in time when I’m living together with him?  
I don’t feel like I already found that ultimate satisfaction, feeling completely happy. Yes I do have such wonderful and amazing moments whenever I’m with Hazza but when those moments are gone I think about other stuff. At the moment it’s Zayn. Even though I feel so much better and less hurt, he is still constantly on my mind. Some parts of me still want to be with him. Be with Zayn and live in a fairy tale. But seriously; who doesn’t want that? Who doesn’t want that dream castle, all the money in the world and a prince charming on a white horse? Zayn is my prince charming. No! I mean I thought he was. Zayn is not my prince and he never will be.  
Hazza is my prince. From the first day I saw him he was my prince. He saved me, he was there for me and he loved me. I love him so much.  
“You are my prince.”  
“On a white scooter,” he laughs jokingly. He slightly moves his head to give me a soft kiss on my cheek.  
His soft touch lingers inside of me, leaving a feeling of warmth, protection and love.  
I don’t want to think about my past anymore, about my failures and about my problems. I want to live in the now. I want to enjoy what I have and want to think forward, excitingly awaiting my future. My future with my Hazza.  
And for the first time in forever I don’t feel sad. I’m happy with Hazza. I know my life is not perfect, but Hazza is perfect for me.  
I sit up from the soft place on his tummy and turn around to face him completely. I look at him with a serious expression. “You really are though, my prince that is. I want to be with. Really be with you.”  
Hazza looks completely flabbergasted and enamored at the same time, looking at me with twinkles in his eyes.  
I close the distance between Hazza and me and give him a lingering kiss. It’s different from the other kisses that we have shared the last couple of weeks. It’s not a simple, friendly kiss: it’s a kiss for lovers.  
As we detach our lips Hazza stares at me like I’m the sun, like I’m his sun. And with so much warmth and adoration in his voice he declares: “you are my prince as well, always have been and always will.”  
He closes the distance once more to fully kiss me again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although I'm never completely satisfied, I do love this chapter <3 I love the Larry in this; what did you think about this chapter?
> 
> This is so weird... only 2 to go! What do you think will happen in those chapters?


	37. Celebrating

Harry slowly removes his clothes until he is completely naked. After removing all of his clothes he turns his gaze back at me, staring intensely.  
I feel breathless, standing just a few inches away from him.  
At a very slow pace I start to remove my clothes as well. My breath is warm and erratic and with every piece I loose I feel like I bare more of my soul. It’s both liberating and terrifying. We’ve seen each other naked a hundred times, but this is entirely different. This moment is something we haven’t experienced before. It doesn’t even remotely compare to the other sexual things we’ve done. This moment isn’t just sexual, it’s love. It’s that moment of anticipation before the passion, the moment before we give our all.  
As I remove my boxer shorts and look up at Hazza my breath hitches. He stares at me with an alluring and sensual look and a touch of mischief.  
Glancing back in his eyes a red blush forms on my cheeks, knowing I’m going to experience this moment with Hazza, my everything, the most important person in my life.  
Hazza takes a step forward and holds my hands in his. “Are you sure?”  
Hazza has been more than wonderful the last couple of weeks, months even, and has been so incredibly patient. He didn’t push me to do anything and as much as I appreciated and needed it at the time, I’m still a boy with needs. Wanking off in the shower is not the best way for relief, especially when your little brother tells your mother that he heard weird noises coming from the bathroom. Yeah totally not perfect.  
More importantly, after our declarations of ultimate love, that happened two weeks ago, I know I’m ready. Since that moment I felt something different. I finally felt good. I wasn’t sad anymore. I suddenly knew what I wanted: I wanted to be with Hazza. I realized that he was my prince charming all along. He is the love of my life, the one I want to be with till the end. And I finally felt like I was able to give myself completely. Before that moment I couldn’t. It was too soon and too painful after my break up with Zayn. Now I was ready, now I am ready.  
We still decided to take it slow for two weeks, with small progressions and caution from Hazza’s side, but I know this is right. I know I want this.  
“I’m fucking sure,” I nod with a new found confidence, scolding at such a romantic moment making Hazza chuckle. 

I lie down on his bed as Hazza climbs on top of me. Feeling his body, that completely engulfs me, pressing on mine like never before. We close the small distance until our lips are barely touching. Once more we look into each other’s eyes, breathing into each other’s mouths. It’s that moment before the kiss, the moment before the heat.  
I take the first step by tenderly pressing my lips on his. The small touch makes my heart flutter.  
After a delicate start I close my eyes and we kiss each other more passionately and aggressively. Hazza grabs my neck, pulls me closer and pants into my mouth. We kiss breathless, with tongue, little bites on the lip and small kisses on the side. It’s messy and uncoordinated, but it feels fantastic.  
My hands go anywhere they can touch, moving along his gorgeous body. I scrape my fingernails on his back as he softly bites my neck.  
Hazza trails his long fingers along my inner thighs making me shiver and gasp. He gives me an overwhelming euphoric, desirable feeling, far better than any drugs I’ve ever taken.

\-----

I awake in Hazza’s arms, completely warm and satisfied.  
“Morning,” Hazza greets in his sleepy morning voice, snuggling closer towards me.  
“Morning,” I smile at him, cuddling even closer. We’ve never been one for distance, but after last night it seems that every space between us is too much. We’ve never been and felt so close (besides the literally meaning) and I want to relive that amazing feeling. Feeling his body heat against mine, hearing his little growls, smelling his scent. Everything.  
Hazza gives me a small, closed mouthed kiss which I softly return.  
We give each other a few little kisses and touch each other’s bodies with tenderness, with love. We look at one another and smile.  
“Last night was perfect,” Hazza whispers lovingly, looking so content. He strokes my cheeks and beams.  
“Yeah it was,” I whisper back. “It really was.”  
“Are you nervous?”  
I shake my head, knowing he is talking about my exams. “No. I’m almost certain I didn’t make it anyway. A few weeks ago I felt like I couldn’t deal with that, with another failure from my – no Hazza don’t look at me like that, it really feels like I’ve failed. I failed this year by hurting the people I love most.”  
Just by looking in Hazza’s eyes I can tell how much he hates it whenever I say that I feel like a failure. He wants to tell me that I haven’t failed. He always tries to make me feel better, even when it’s the truth. I did hurt so many people. I’ve neglected my friends, wasn’t really there for my family and above all I have hurt Zayn and Hazza on several occasions. I’ve made a mess this year.  
“But,” I continue. “I’m finally in a good place. And as long as I have you I’ll make it through. Even if it means I have to stay another year at that fucking shitass school.”  
“You will have me forever,” he replies, softly caressing my waist.  
Forever.

\----------

I fucking passed my exams! I freaking graduated! I’m done with high school!  
I know it for over an hour, but I still can’t really comprehend the news. I want to congratulate myself, but I’m still so fucking flabbergasted. I fucking made it? How is that even possible? I feel like I only stared at the pieces of paper. I feel like I didn’t do anything. But here I am: a graduate!  
“CONGRATS!” The group yells the moment I enter café Plo. Hazza demanded to celebrate and he even got Liam, Niall and Bitch to leave their work and school earlier, just to celebrate.  
I feel overwhelmed with joy and pleasure as I walk towards my friends.  
“LOUIS YOU LUCKY SON OF A BITCH! Niall screams, patting me on the back. “Congrats.”  
“Thanks,” I smile as I give him a simple hug back and sit down next to Bitch.  
“How the fuck did you manage this?” Bitch questions with a smirk.  
“Well isn’t it always like this?” Liam replies, looking back at forth between me and Bitch. “Just barely making it, but still doing it, ha!”  
“I know right?” I grin. “I have absolutely no idea how it’s fucking possible.”  
“BEERS!” Niall yells demanding, motioning Hazza to get us drinks.  
Hazza rolls his eyes at him but obeys. Before he walks over to the bar he gives me a lingering kiss on the mouth, making my thighs clench a little too excited just by the feeling of his lips and recalling what happened last night.  
Bitch raises her eyebrows, staring at me intensely.  
“What?”  
“Something is different,” she states with an investigative look.  
Liam and Niall curiously turn their heads to me and wait for my reply.  
“I don’t know what you are talking about,” I shrug innocently.  
“Yeah right,” Bitch says sarcastically. “Speak up.”  
They already know that Hazza and I are together, since we have been quite reckless about it in our groups’ app, but they don’t know what happened last night. Also I’m not sure if it’s something they should know.  
"Tell us!" they chant.  
Before I can decide if I should tell them or not Hazza returns with the beers, hearing small parts of the conversation and speaks up: “we butt-fucked last night, happy?”  
“WHAT?”  
Niall laughs hysterically, Liam is completely taken aback for a moment and Bitch is just smirking like a mad man.  
“So who bottomed?” Bitch asks curiously, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.  
“That’s for me to know and you to find out,” Hazza replies with a self-indulged smirk.  
I grin back at Hazza, while in the corner of my eyes I see Bitch pout.  
“I want to know,” she practically whines, hoping her puppy eyes can make a difference.  
“Anyway,” Hazza distracts as he hands everyone a beer. “Let’s toast on Louis!”  
Everyone agrees, taking their beers and smashing them together. “Cheers!”  
“To the future!” I add, raising my glass.  
“I’m going to find out,” Bitch whispers in my ear.  
It takes me a few seconds to realize what on earth she is talking about. “And how are you going to do that?”  
“When we guys leave this bar I’m going to check which one of you is walking funny.”  
My mouth falls open in surprise. “You’re crazy!”  
“Ah well, it’s not something to be ashamed of. Nothing I haven’t done before,” she shrugs casually.  
“Wait- what?”  
“We have another thing to celebrate,” Niall points out.  
We all look in Niall’s direction, although I’m still a bit dumbfounded by Bitch and her butt-sex announcement…  
“From tomorrow forward I’ll be a free man, I’ll be no longer on probation!”  
“That’s fucking great Niall,” Hazza responds proudly. “After the shitty year you had you totally deserve it!”  
“Thanks,” he smiles. “And even though I have a record I’m still trying to find a new job.”  
“Sick of cleaning up Liam’s shit?” I grin.  
“Heyyyy,” Liam says mock-insulted. “It’s all I could do!”

We are all laughing and catching up on each other’s lives.  
Liam is doing great at the gym, Bitch is on better terms with her boyfriend and Niall really makes an effort to change his life for the better. Niall’s mother is still the same fucking terrible mother she was before, but I’m glad that Niall feels better. He wants to move out as soon as he can afford it.  
And Hazza, Hazza is finally completely happy.  
But, as I chat with and look at my wonderful group of friends and my amazing boyfriend things still don’t feel completely right. There is still one thing I need to do. I just really need to talk to him. I need to go to Zayn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think of this chapter? I know the beginning was incredible cheesy but I couldn't help myself xd  
> and... oh oh, Louis is going to talk to Zayn! 
> 
> Only 1 more to go! Wooow... I won't be able to upload from march for at least a month, so I hope I can end this story before that time!


	38. Final chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the LAST chapter of this story and that is so weird to say. I've invested so much of my time with this story, but it was an amazing ride.  
> In the beginning my story had absolutely no reads, kudos and comments and it made me really unsure about my story and mostly my writing skills, but thankfully after a while more people started reading this story and that made me really happy!
> 
> You guys are wonderful! I'm so grateful that a few people consistently showed their support with their comments. I loved and appreciated the comments so much and they really kept me motivated to write.
> 
> And finally: hopefully you will enjoy this last chapter and I hope that this chapter does justice to this story and is a nice ending.

I’m in front of Zayn’s house, index finger just an inch away from the doorbell. My hands tremble and my heart beats loudly with fear and happiness.  
I slightly push my finger forward until it touches the doorbell. A soft ring echoes around the house. It’s such as soft sound that I’m not sure if they have heard it.  
Anxiously I’m waiting for the door. What if his mother opens the door? Or what if his entire family is there?  
I hear some movement inside and a soft cough before the door slowly opens with a cracking sound.  
Zayn’s mother. Of fucking course.  
“Hi,” I begin doubtfully.  
“Hey Louis,” she answers kindly.  
Oddly she seems very nice and pleasant. I know she doesn’t hate me, she even said so herself, but I always felt that something was off. I know she wasn’t too happy that I was ‘friends’ with Zayn. Maybe now that it’s over she feels differently?  
“I just wanted to congratulate Zayn.”  
She smiles. “Thank you, that’s very kind of you. I’ll get him; he is upstairs with a couple of his cousins.”  
I keep waiting in the door opening, feeling confused. I’ve only been here a couple of times but standing here it feels very familiar and how weird as it may sound even nice. But it also feels like a place I don’t belong, probably because in some ways I never did. Yes I belonged with Zayn, but not with his family and not with his world.

Zayn comes to the door, together with his mother.  
“Hey Louis,” he mumbles without really looking at me.  
“Hi,” I reply uncomfortably, scratching my neck. I had hoped for a moment alone with Zayn, unfortunately his mother remains by the door, just a few steps away from us.  
Zayn doesn’t say anything about his mother so I decide to let it go. “I just wanted to congratulate you; I already knew you would make it.”  
“Thank you and I’m glad you made it too,” he responds sincerely.  
I’m surprised. How does he know I've passed my exams? I’ve only known it for a couple of hours myself…  
I smile at him. “Thanks.”  
“So,” Zayn’s mother interferes. “It was very nice of you to visit, but we would like to celebrate this day with our family.”  
This is her friendly way to get rid of me. Of course I don’t say anything about it and just politely nod and obey. “Yes… I guess it’s time for me to go. Have fun.”  
This was certainly not the way I had planned it when I needed to see Zayn. Not with his mother just a few inches away and Zayn who barely looks or talks to me.  
It’s probably better this way, better that I have to leave so soon. It confirms that I shouldn’t have done this. I don’t belong with Zayn and this day has confirmed it again, just like so many other days.  
“Congrats again Zayn and good luck with everything I guess?” I feel like I’m stumbling over my words. I feel like I need closure, but this is just so awkward and painful.  
I walk outside, not knowing how to feel.  
“Wait,” Zayn calls after me.  
I quickly turn around and look at him.  
“Mum can I walk along with Louis for a bit? I’ll be back in half an hour.”  
His mother furrows her eyebrows, seemingly in conflict, but eventually nods. “Fifteen minutes.”

I thank his mother and along with Zayn I walk away from his house. We walk very closely next to each other. Although we haven’t spoken to each other in a few weeks it still feels awfully familiar, but strange at the same time.  
Today might be the last day I’ll see him. I don’t want this to end in a disaster. Not like the last time when I was broken for weeks. I have missed Zayn for over 5 weeks. Yes of course it’s different than in the beginning. In the beginning I wanted to just forget about the break up and be with him again. I don’t have those urges anymore. I’m happy with where I am. I just feel like I need closure. I want answers and peace. I feel like I at least need to apologize and be true to Zayn. I owe him that after everything that has happened.  
“How did you know I made it?” I ask as a poor attempt of starting the conversation.  
Zayn sighs deeply before answering. “After we broke up I tried to accept it. I tried to move on. But that wasn’t as easy as I hoped it would be. Let’s just say I felt like shit. But slowly I learned to accept it, accept the fact that it was over. It doesn’t mean I didn’t think of you. I thought about you a lot. I liked you so much Lou, or let’s say I still like you. Things may have ended but I still wanted to know if you made it. I still care for you.”  
My heart flutters because of his honest and heartbreaking, but sweet words. “I do too,” I reply with sincerity.  
We look at each other and smile. It feels good to see each other again. Too good. I feel butterflies in my stomach. 

We walk together in silence as I try to form the right words, until I blurt out: “I’m sorry, you were right.”  
He seems to ponder for a moment what I’m talking about before he understands.  
As much as I hated the fact that we couldn’t be together as boyfriends in front of his family or friends, as much as I hated that I never really was a part of his life, or even belonged there; it was about Hazza. It always was and always will be. Zayn knew this all along. Hazza was the reason I broke up with Zayn. I didn’t want to admit that at first and instead I let the anger get the best of me and said things I wish I had never said.  
He nods knowingly. “I’ve told my parents.”  
“About us?” I ask stunned.  
“About me,” he clarifies.  
“That’s great Zayn. I’m so fucking proud of you! How did they react?”  
“The best way they could, under the circumstances. They don’t want me to live the life of a homosexual, but no matter what I chose to do, I will always be their son, they will always love me. But they did tell me that I can’t expect the same from a lot of people in our community or even from my own family.”  
“I’m so happy that your parents are okay with it, as far as they can be.”  
“Yeah, it’s the first step,” he smiles. “Thank you.”  
“Thank me? What for?” I ask bewildered. After everything I did, after my hurtful words, he is thanking me?  
“If it wasn’t for you I would probably still be quiet. I would have never built up the courage to tell them. I’m not ready to be completely open, but at least I want to do something. I want to be myself, even if that means that people will judge me.”  
“I’m sorry that –“  
“It’s okay. We both know that it wouldn’t make a difference.”  
This time I won’t argue, because he is right. If Zayn’s world can’t accept me and will judge me, I can find a way to deal with it. But if my world, my Hazza, can’t accept it, I can’t.  
“Don’t feel guilty,” Zayn adds with determination in his eyes. “I did it for me. I just want to be who I truly am.”  
“That’s amazing Zayn,” I say sincerely. “And you deserve to find someone who can fully be with you.”  
He inhales a sharp breath; he knows what I mean. I love Zayn so fucking much and I always will, but I couldn’t give him everything. I couldn’t give myself fully to him. He deserves to be with someone who can give him everything.  
“And I hope that more people will be as your parents. I hope more people can accept you so that you can be yourself, be happy. You deserve it so much Zayn,” I state, feeling so strongly about my words. I really mean it. He deserves the world.  
He smiles at my words. “Thanks.”  
I smile back and take his hand and intertwine it with mine. We stop walking and turn towards each other.  
Zayn moves closer towards my face, towards my ear, his lips are barely touching me. I feel his breath tingle my face, making me shiver as he softly whispers in my ear: “I love you.”  
I love you.  
I don’t know if he ever said those words before, but they have never had so much meaning as now. I've never felt so much love and heartache together in one single moment.  
“I love you,” I whisper back. “I love you too.”  
I tilt my head to the side as my body and mouth are moving towards him. I place my mouth on his, sealing our lips in a delicate touch. He kisses me back with the same attentive, romantic touch. It’s a small, soft kiss, but it feels so wonderful and painful.

We detach our lips and stand there for a moment, hand-in-hand, in bliss and misery. Sometimes love isn’t enough.  
We give each other one last faint smile. This is our goodbye, but I will cherish the moments forever in my heart.  
Zayn softly rubs my hand before letting go and walking away. He slowly fades into the distance.  
I stand there until he is completely out of my sight. Out of my life.

That Zayn and I will not see each other anymore doesn’t mean anything. He will be in my mind and in my heart, forever. Every time that I will think about him, a small smile will spread on my face. I will remember his stunning eyes, his beautiful smile, his sweet but fierce personality but most of all I will remember his love. He will always have a piece in my heart. I will always love him. 

After what seems like an eternity, I finally start to walk home, to Hazza. That is where I belong. That is where the world wants me to be. Hazza is where I want and need to be. I love him so much.

I love you both: Zayn and Hazza.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think of this last chapter? I have no clue… but I hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> I've already posted two chapters of the new story I'm writing: Holiday Secrets. It's a Larry University/Holiday AU. As I said before, I won't be able to write in March because of health issues, but hopefully I will see you guys later.
> 
> Oh and lastly: I’m rewriting this story or mainly the first chapters. It won’t be a major editing, the storyline itself will not change, I'm just editing a few errors and stuff.


End file.
